I always try to be as authentic as possible on this blog. When you have a disability, you get lots of stares and assumptions from people, so I’ve sort of learned not to pay attention to what other people think about me. With that said, though, I am human, and it does bother me to some degree. I am, in no way, completely immune to being affected by what others think of me. I preface that because I am sure some people are going to think my biggest fear is silly, but I’m just keepin’ it real on here.
My biggest fear is never getting married. I should clarify that to say not being in a happy marriage. I get proposals from homeless men on the street all the time. I am sure if I didn’t have high standards and wanted to settle, I could, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be married for the sake of being married. I don’t want to be married because it is what I am supposed to do in life. I want to be married because I want to share that deep love and bond with another person. Life is meant to be lived and shared and we are meant to be with another. I want to raise a family. I want to be my husband’s biggest fan. I want to love and support him and his family. I want to experience all of the peaks and valleys with the love of my life, my teammate. I know what it is like to have a deep connection and unbreakable bond with another person. I want that again – and then some more. Like a few kiddos and a dog, too. It’s my biggest fear because it is somewhat out of my control. If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it is that God is in control and I am not. That sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget when times are good. When deep sorrow and heartache enter the scene, the loss of control stares you dead in the face. I can certainly do things to help myself find the person I am going to marry, but ultimately, God is the best one to pick out my husband.
I wholeheartedly believe I will be married one day. But, what if I am wrong? I don’t want to be wrong. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to settle for fear of being alone. I hope and pray that God brings my husband – and soon.
I look at my friends’ lives and feel so far behind sometimes. I know it is not all a bowl of cherries for them. In some cases, I see couples and think I do not want that. But, what I do want is a loving, lifelong relationship with the one God created for me.
I pray that is what God wants for me, too.