Learning to Dance with the Limp

I am finally feeling the deep grief start to dissipate.  This year kicked off with a lovely invitation from my neighbor who invited me to her annual New Year’s Eve party.  I knew I wouldn’t know many people there, but was thrilled to have been thought of and was excited to go.  Last year, I would have immediately declined the invitation because I couldn’t handle the fact that I was in an unfamiliar situation.  It would have taken far too much energy to fake having a good time.  And, yes, I would have faked it because legitimately celebrating a new year was not possible.  This year, I tried on four different outfits before deciding on the perfect one and happily joined in on the festivities.  Almost everyone I talked to I had just met and the conversation did not feel exhausting as it had in the past.  This party was a big step for me and I knew if I had a good time then 2014 would start off on the right foot!

Just two and a half weeks after that I flew to Texas to celebrate my birthday with my dear friends.  Normally I go to Texas in the summer, but it was Carmen’s idea that I come for my birthday this year and what a brilliant idea that was!  I don’t worry about anything with these friends.  I can completely be myself, whatever that looks like.  Last year, I went to visit, and Carmen and Jason had so many fun things planned.  The Houston Rodeo topped the list!  I cherished every minute with them and appreciated all that they had done for me, but it felt difficult to truly enjoy it all.  I was grateful to be there, but I was anxious. I was sad.  But I was trying.  This year it was a true gift to be able to celebrate – to celebrate my birthday, to celebrate our friendship, and to celebrate the ability to feel joy and recognize it as such.  As Carmen noted, last year I was not myself, I wasn’t all there, but this year, I’m back! I boarded the plane back to DC thanking God for a heartfelt and joyous weekend with such dear friends in which I was able to fully participate.  I’ll post a separate blog on all that I did to usher in 32.

I’m also pretty excited about my upcoming ski trip, some fun weekends ahead, and my family vacation to the Caribbean.  Our trip, of course, purposefully corresponds with the anniversary of Dude’s death, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to enjoy some fun in the sun and sand with a drink in my hand.  It lessens the pain just a little.  Grief counselors told me there would come a time where I could mix joy with pain.  I looked at them like there were nuts and believed that might be the case for other people, but certainly not for me.  Now I see it.  There are still days or moments when I slammed with pain, but I can now recognize and appreciate happy times, too.

Ann Lamott sums it up perfectly:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.  But this is also the good news.  They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up.  And you come through.  It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
 

For me, 2014 is the year to learn to dance with the limp.

Zero to 60 in....2 years?

The months, if not the year, before Dude’s death were troublesome.  He was so sick and in and out of the hospital.  And he wanted all of it to be kept a secret.  I still feel bad that many of his close friends did not know what was going on, but I encouraged him over and over to share with them.  He refused, and I had to honor that for him. All of the effort put into making him feel like life was worth living ultimately ended in failure, but I hope that it kept him alive for a little while longer.  Towards the end, he took extremely good care of me despite his own pain.  I didn’t know what was about to happen, but he knew, and I am forever grateful to him for the love he showed me up until the last minute.        

April 4, 2012 – the day I was officially notified of Dude’s death is also the day I hit rock bottom.  Intuitively, I knew he was dead on April 3rd, but my fears weren’t confirmed until the next day.  When I hit rock bottom, I hit it HARD.  I felt like I had just been in ripped in two, like my heart looked like the Grand Canyon, and someone took what was left and was just simultaneously and repeatedly stabbing me with swords and punching me.  My prayers alternated between “Please God. Just keep my heart beating” to “Forget it.  I can’t live like this.  I would rather be with him.  I won’t take my own life, but heaven is where I want to be.  Make it happen. ”  My faith, my family and friends, and some grief counseling carried me, but I was in bad, bad shape.  My world as I’d known it was blown wide open.  Forever changed.  I had to start all over.

Law school has always been in the back of my mind.  My parents encouraged me to attend law school immediately after undergrad. I told them that I was not ready for that. It is a HUGE commitment and I feel you need a good reason to go to law school.  At the time, “my parents think I’d be a good attorney” did not qualify as a good reason, so I said no, and ventured into the workforce.  Dude and I discussed the possibility of my returning to school and a move to London seemed much more appealing.  This relocation never (or hasn’t yet) happened.  As I continue to advance in my career, law school kept popping up and seemed to make more and more sense.  After Dude’s death, the grief counselors encouraged me to get a goal to push me forward into this “new life”.  I told them I wanted to go to law school.  Without missing a beat, they said, “go for it!” So I did.

I told my friends and family of my plan and got some crazy looks.  Some questioned my ability to take on such a huge commitment of studying for the LSAT during a time of such deep grief.  A few encouraged me to go find a husband and have some children instead.  Some thought one masters was enough.  Many didn’t say anything discouraging, but I think they were thinking this was a crisis move.  I tossed around the idea with my bosses and other colleagues to ensure I wasn’t just overreacting to trauma.  The response was overwhelmingly positive, so I continued.

And then I ran into speed bumps…but God being as awesome as He is, gave me a mentor.  And not just any mentor, but one who is ridiculously respected in the legal community across the US.  And then I applied to law school and had nothing but a pile of rejection letters. My mentor believed in me when no one else did and backed me 100% when I told her I was not giving up.

I sued LSAC (the testing board) for violating the American Disabilities Act.  We settled three days before the October exam.  I was sick at the time, but was not going to miss an opportunity that I’d worked so hard for, and I took the exam. My score was much improved, which meant I’d reapply. 

I submitted my applications and said a prayer.  Within 4 days, I received my first admission decision.  It was an ACCEPTANCE to American University Washington College of Law.  At first, I thought it was just a second email acknowledging they’d received my application.  I was annoyed because they’d already notified me that they had my package and earlier that day declined to meet with me.  I opened it up and the first word I see is “CONGRATULATIONS!!” Not used to seeing those words, I keep re-reading it.  They just got my application on Monday and it was Friday.  It had to be a joke.  It had to be a mistake.  But it wasn’t.  I now have the paper letter and a magnet to prove it. It was God’s confirmation that despite all of the tragedy and trouble and crazy looks that have come my way over the last 1.5 -2 years, He has a plan for me.  Dude has left, but I have work left to do on earth.      
A firm believer in needing a reason to go to law school, I now have two interests – government procurement law and disability rights law.  I feel strongly about doing disability rights law pro bono because I can’t bear to have others pay the amount I did to simply get the accommodations they need and are lawfully entitled to have.  In addition to my new interests, I also gained the most amazing mentor who is overwhelmed with joy at the news of my acceptance. Best of all, this man,

the “Most Outstanding Student” of UR Law Class of 2007 watches over me.  

It’s been a slow climb up from rock bottom.  I am still working on it.  Law school brings with it loads of work, but a hope for the future – a new life.  I get sad that Dude is not physically here to be with me on this new adventure, but as two of his friends told me when I shared the news, “Mike knows.  He is very proud and is smiling down on you”  Yes, yes he is. And life is getting much better.

“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”
- Psalm 34:18, The Message

         "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you hope and a future"  - Jeremiah 29:11

A Prayer for Relief

I've been rather absent from my blog for the last couple months.  That's mostly because I have been trying to stay away from the computer and enjoy the sunshine, time with family and friends, the pool, everything summer has to offer.  I've been trying to look at the lighter side of life even though I feel like life is heavy.

If you didn't know, I am currently in a law suit with LSAC.  That's all I'll say about that because my attorney would probably scold me for discussing the details.  I received the formal complaint that was filed in court the other day and began to read through it.  I got to one point and burst out laughing.  The section where my specific requests are listed is called "Prayer for Relief".

Prayer for Relief, I thought.  Yeah, that sounds about right.  I am in need of a prayer for relief.  

I don't like to whine, but I've had a heavy load lately  Just when I think I'm ahead, I get knocked back a little bit.  I'm not sure why I've had to experience any of the pain of the last year and a half.  Maybe one day I will know.  I might never know.  I have to be OK with it either way.  And, I am thankful for the little ways God shows me that despite all of this, He is still there...

I'm burning the candle at both ends these days.  Dealing with LSAC is a struggle, but if a blind student didn't get accommodations for the LSAT, why should I?!?!?!  Fundraising for Mike's scholarship is hard work.  It's rewarding and he deserves it.  But, it's hard work -- and at times, it just knocks me for a loop.  I can't believe I have a reason to actually do this.  But he deserves it, so I press on.  The weight of grief is not as heavy as it used to be, but it's there.  Moving forward from such a tragedy takes work, too.

God and I need to talk. Two things Dude's family and I have said even since his death are:  God is good - all.the.time & happiness is just around the corner.  I see glimpses, but.... 

 I need a prayer for relief in more than just the legal sense.

Day 13: My Life Goals

I had trouble writing this post.  At first, I was just going to list my life goals.  The list includes, going to law school, having a happy and lifelong marriage, mothering children, making a difference in the world, being an inspiration to someone….
Then I realized some of these are completely out of my control. I want to make goals that I know are achievable.  Consequently, my life goals are to be content in my circumstances and to trust God.

I have learned over the last year that life can change in an instant.  I have learned that you can go from contentment to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds.  I have learned to appreciate the little things in life.  I have learned that sometimes you can do your best and still feel like you’ve failed. I have learned that I am not in control.

This past year has been full of sadness and struggle.  Not just with the death of my very best friend, but with my parents’ health issues, and my ongoing law school saga.  I’d think my life would make a pretty good soap opera these days.  Just when things start to look up, something else happens and I just can’t seem to get ahead.  It’s been rough.  It’s been devastating.  It’s been full of grief.  It’s been ever changing.  But, the one constant is that

God has been present amidst it all.

I never want to forget that.

I haven’t been happy.  I am ready to let this grief and happiness co-mingle.  I am ready for bright, sunny days – literally and figuratively.  I also haven’t trusted God the way I should.  I have been angry at Him.  Frustrated.  Sad.  Confused. Worried.  But He is still there.

So, my life goal is to be content and to trust in Him.  I have a lot of work to do in this area, but that’s OK.  I am not expected to be there right now.  That’s why it is called a goal and not an accomplishment.

Day 12: I believe

I believe....

• Life is too short and fragile not to laugh and smile every day regardless of the circumstances.

• You should always eat cake on your birthday.  Eat it for breakfast.  Make it a la mode.  However, whenever.  Just do it.

• Using a water bottle or hairbrush as a microphone makes you sound better when singing.      

• Dessert should be eaten at least once a week

•  The beach calms the soul

• Dogs are often the best medicine

• God answers prayers

• In miracles

• Wine and cupcakes make almost anything better

• In treating everyone the way you want to be treated regardless of whether or not they can do anything for you.

• Drinking water while working makes you more effective (this is a little quirk of mine).

• You can never say “I love you” too many times to those who love you back.

• You can learn a great deal from those who are different than you.

• Traveling is not only fun, it is necessary for growth.

• Jesus is the son of God

• In myself

Day 10: My Biggest Fear

I always try to be as authentic as possible on this blog.  When you have a disability, you get lots of stares and assumptions from people, so I’ve sort of learned not to pay attention to what other people think about me.  With that said, though, I am human, and it does bother me to some degree.  I am, in no way, completely immune to being affected by what others think of me. I preface that because I am sure some people are going to think my biggest fear is silly, but I’m just keepin’ it real on here.

My biggest fear is never getting married.  I should clarify that to say not being in a happy marriage.  I get proposals from homeless men on the street all the time.  I am sure if I didn’t have high standards and wanted to settle, I could, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to be married for the sake of being married.  I don’t want to be married because it is what I am supposed to do in life.  I want to be married because I want to share that deep love and bond with another person.  Life is meant to be lived and shared and we are meant to be with another.  I want to raise a family.  I want to be my husband’s biggest fan.  I want to love and support him and his family.  I want to experience all of the peaks and valleys with the love of my life, my teammate.   I know what it is like to have a deep connection and unbreakable bond with another person.  I want that again – and then some more.  Like a few kiddos and a dog, too.  It’s my biggest fear because it is somewhat out of my control.  If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it is that God is in control and I am not.  That sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget when times are good.  When deep sorrow and heartache enter the scene, the loss of control stares you dead in the face.  I can certainly do things to help myself find the person I am going to marry, but ultimately, God is the best one to pick out my husband.

I wholeheartedly believe I will be married one day.  But, what if I am wrong?  I don’t want to be wrong.  I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to settle for fear of being alone.  I hope and pray that God brings my husband – and soon. 

I look at my friends’ lives and feel so far behind sometimes.  I know it is not all a bowl of cherries for them.  In some cases, I see couples and think I do not want that.  But, what I do want is a loving, lifelong relationship with the one God created for me.

I pray that is what God wants for me, too. 

All The Single Ladies

I should be ashamed of myself!

Hi Single Ladies,

How you doin’?  If you are anything like me, you are doing your best to be content with your single girl status, but if you are really honest with yourself, you are flat out tired of it!

You have thrown numerous bridal and baby showers and wonder when it will be your turn to be showered. 

You have 10 less than flattering colored dresses hanging in your closet and long to say yes to that white dress!! 

As a side note, does anyone else have a thing about wearing a dress you wore as a bridesmaid to another wedding?  I will NOT do it.  I think it is because I feel like I will look like bridesmaid because well, the last time I wore this dress I was one.  Maybe it’s just me and maybe I am being silly because not all of my bridesmaid dresses have been ugly less than flattering, but everyone has quirks and that’s just one of mine. 

If you are like me, you have had some disastrous dates.  Married people try to encourage you and tell you that dating is fun.  You kindly remind them that dating IS fun when you meet the right person.  They’ve forgotten that part because they have been blessed to be with the right person for a long time. The free dinners, the “good stories that come from the disastrous dates” are not worth it.  The movie “27 dresses” is not all that funny because you feel like you are watching your life play out on the silver screen.
 (It does have a good ending, but still….)

If you are anything like me, you subconsciously observe your married friends’ relationships a lot.  You learn from them.  You might come home and cry your eyes out because you WANT THAT!  You also might see others and think if that is what my life would be like, I’d rather be single.  But, the truth is, you don’t want to be single!!

You want to find your husband, your teammate for life (as I like to refer to him).
 

Dating seems way more complicated than it used to be.  You’re not looking for a “morally causal” relationship.  You want one with Christ in the center; one on solid ground that will withstand the storms of life. 

You want a man that “will like it and put TWO rings on it!”

Today, I was reading this blog and found this.  Jenna is doing an online seminar about dating with intention.  I’ve been out of the dating world for awhile to focus on myself and deal with everything that has happened to me over the last year, but I have to get back in the game.  I don’t want to end up an old maid!!! 

I firmly believe that if God places a desire in your heart, He will fulfill that promise.  I deeply desire to be married with a family.   I was really excited to learn that Jenna is doing this and signed up right away!  It’s on April 22 from 9-10pm EST.  Jenna is talking about dating from a Christian perspective, so if you prefer to be “morally casual” this probably isn’t for you. 

If you are looking for that lifelong commitment with the teammate God’s made for you, sign up!  Spots are limited, so hurry up and do it!  If you do sign up, let me know in the comments.  Maybe we can discuss it afterwards.  All of my friends are married, so I am always looking to meet more awesome single gals….and guys (but this one is just for the ladies!)     

My first VICTORY!!

Responding to the Storms of Life

Ever feel like you are exactly where you need to be?  I rarely feel that way these days, but sitting in church on Sunday, I knew I was supposed to be there, at that specific church, to hear that particular message.  My dad and I were hesitant to go to church on Sunday because we were tired.  I reasoned that we hadn't been there for two weeks because we were in Aruba and we should suck up our sleepiness and go.  So we did.  When we got there, it turns out it was the 210th anniversary of the church and there was going to be a celebration.  Awesome. They are going to take a walk down memory lane and we aren't going to be able to relate to any of this because we've just started going to this church.  We could have slept in, I thought.  Boy, was I wrong!  They did take a little walk down memory lane, but the pastor discussed the storms in life and touched on the storms the church has gone through in its 210 year history.

In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world 

John 16:33    

Ah, yes.  In this world, I will have trouble.  In this world, there will be storms.  How I know that so well.  If you've followed my blog for any amount of time recently, you will know that I've had a lot of trouble.  It might be easiest to break it out into three storms -- the death of my very best friend, my dad's unknown heart condition, and my struggles to get into law school.  The pastor addressed the congregation saying that you are either about to head into a storm, are in the middle of a storm, or are just coming out of a storm.  Uh huh.  Hopefully, we are just coming out of the storm related to my dad's health and I will know by the end of August about law school.  As for the storm of Dude's death, well, that will most likely be an ongoing storm -- not a full blown tornado, but the rain from that will periodically fall for the rest of my life.  Suicide survivors are ripped apart at the core of their very being, but at the same time, are united under a pain that is unlike any other.  It's something I will live with for the rest of my life, but I know that Dude did not realize the devastation and lifelong effects that would result from his decision.  He would want me to move forward and be happy, so I am committed to looking for the rainbows amidst the rain of this lifelong storm.  So, storms.  I know storms.  But what does all of this mean?

The pastor discussed two responses to the storms of life:  FEAR and FAITH.  F-E-A-R stands for "False Expectations Appearing Real" and F-A-I-T-H stands for "Forsaking all, I Trust Him."  Fear is a natural and self-preserving response.  I've written here about how grief can manifest itself into all encompassing fear.  But, as the deep grief dissipates little by little, you come to realize that you are still here -- and you are still here for a purpose.  What my "new life" will look like is totally terrifying at times, but that's when faith becomes the best response.

"Forsaking all" -- Before Dude's death, I held onto him tightly, and honestly, would not have forsaken him at any cost.  But, he ripped himself from me.  I have unwillingly given one of the most important people in the my life. With that, I have given up the life that was comfortable and familiar to me; the life I enjoyed even in the hard times.

Starting April 4, 2012, I began to live a new life -- a life completely unfamiliar and painful and full of fear; a life that did not involve Dude in the way I thought it would.  This "new life" has potentially set me on a path to law school.  That has not been a cake walk.  We'll see what happens with that.  And, to top it all off, this "new life" involved my Dad, my hero, being rushed to the hospital and undergoing heart surgery.  First, my best friend removes himself from my life forever. Then I encounter obstacles in a dream I have put off for too long.  And my dad, my hero, was almost taken from me....

So far, I am not a fan of this "new life".  It's confusing and frustrating and lacks some serious clarity.  However, it is in these times, when I/you truly do surrender all to God -- even if only because I/you just don't know what else to do. 

I am completely out of control.  He is in complete control.

Forsaking all, I trust Him. 

Trust me, and don't be afraid.  Many things feel out of control...Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.  Jesus Calling, April 15.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.  Isaiah 12:2

Unconditional love

Over the last year and a half, I have learned what it means to love and be loved unconditionally.  I don't think you realize how much you truly love someone until you are at risk of losing them.  It was around this time last year that Dude's behavior took an odd and troublesome turn.  As I have said to the countless friends who have asked me what happened, in the end, he was not himself.  He was unrecognizable, even.  In one of our last conversations, I remember "yelling", "Who ARE you? I don't even know who I am talking to anymore!" It was sad and frustrating and confusing to watch my best friend, the man who knew me better than anyone else and vice versa, transform into a different person. With that, came some very difficult times. But, it was during this time that I knew how much I loved him and wouldn't be able to stand to lose him.  Regardless of the erratic behavior, I would not walk away.  I would love him unconditionally. Being loved by him in return was such a blessing.

Then the unspeakable, the unthinkable happened. My world was rocked.  My heart was broken.  He was gone.  Forever.

Admittedly, the last 10 months have been quite an adjustment for me.  I have never experienced such pain and been in such a low spot in my life.  I am not the same person I was when Dude was alive and am learning what it means to live with the loss. I am learning that the relationship has transformed, but the love remains.

If I am honest, I have not been the most fun person to be around.  I am not constantly crying, but the spark that I once had (Anyone see The Bachelor this week?  Tierra is quoted saying she has sparkle!) is a little dim.  But, my friends have been amazing.  Many have done what they can to show me how much I am loved and to uncover my sparkle, as Tierra would say.  (This was intended to be a serious post, but Tierra and her uncontrollable eyebrow just fit in perfectly!)  They have invited me to do things with them.  Sometimes I accept the invitation.  Sometimes I decline.  It feels like some people have walked away.  But the ones that are there, are there and I am just so thankful. The roller coaster of emotions that you experience in grief is certainly not fun for the griever, but it can't possibly be a thrill ride for those who have been beside me. However, as a close friend wrote in a birthday card this year, "I'm eager to continue to walk this road with you and to see what God has in store." Can you say amazing? She is not at all related to this tragedy.  Talk about unconditional love.  It is so easy for me to fall into the woe-is-me-all-of-this-is-so-sad territory, but just when I start to choose that path, God slaps me in the face with blessings and love.  That I cannot miss. Unconditional love.  And, it is awesome.

Speaking of God, there have been so many times in the last 10 months that I have been all out angry with Him.  I'm talking fuming type of angry.  Why oh why oh why did any of this happen?  It seems senseless and pointless....and maybe it is.  I believe Dude taking his own life broke God's heart as much as it has broken mine.  But, I also believe that God scooped Dude up into His loving arms and brought him to heaven at the time of his death.  And I believe that as mad as I can get at God at times for all that has happened, He is still there for me and He loves me.   Each time I am tempted to turn away, He is there, listening patiently, crying with me, showing me unconditional love.

So, today is Valentine's Day.  Many people are going to celebrate with the love of their life.  They are so blessed.  I don't have a Valentine this year.  One day, I will.  No valentine, but I am blessed too.  I have learned what it means to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally in return.

One day, my sparkle will return.  But, today, I am celebrating Valentine's Day by getting a haircut.  And, while I'm at it, I should make sure those eyebrows are under control because sparkle with uncontrollable eyebrows is just unacceptable!!  You'd still love me unconditionally, though, wouldn't you? Sorry had to do it.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but it rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7   

In 2013, I wanna...

I hate making New Year resolutions, but for some reason, I feel compelled to do so every year.  I love to make lists, but never go back and look at them.  I’m not one for structure.  I like to think I am, but in reality, why should one feel the need to stick to a list?  Live a little!

Despite my natural tendencies, maybe if I make a list and put it in cyberspace someone will hold me accountable and ask me how I am doing on my resolutions?  People joke that nothing’s official until it’s on Facebook.  Well, I won’t stick to this list unless it’s on my blog.  So, here goes.

In 2013, I wanna –

* Find a way to curb my sweet tooth. It is out of control. Maybe I should start by quitting cake. Thank goodness Mike’s mom is a certified diabetes educator, but I am hoping I never have to use her services. On second thought, maybe I should enlist her now for some prevention techniques.

* Take off all of the weight I’ve gained thanks to grief indulgences and incredible stress. Twenty pounds has to be gone by April. And, no, that is not extreme weight loss.  I was 20lbs lighter 4 years ago before a 3 week trip to Italy, numerous weddings, and my obsession with cake.

* Start a foundation and/or something extraordinary in memory of Dude. We had been working on one together but it didn’t too far off the ground. So, I’m revitalizing my desire. Not sure what it will be yet, but he deserves something extraordinary so whatever comes together will be exactly that.

* Take more risks

* Find a church home

* Make 3 new friends


I'll report back, but feel free to hold me accountable.

Life Lessons from the Redskins

The city of Washington, DC and the surrounding metropolitan area are electric today!  We’ve been rocking since our big win over Dallas last night!! This was HUGE! Not only did we beat our arch-rival in a do or die game, we became NFC East Champions and secured a spot in the playoffs! We haven’t had such success since 1999. The year may turn to 2013 tomorrow, but for now, we are partying like it’s 1999!!

I am very tired today.  As Faith Hill sings, “I waited all day for Sunday night”.  Sunday, I was anxious, excited, and nervous for this big game.  It was as if I was awaiting the arrival of my first child.  I watched Chicago beat Detroit and got nervous. Then I watched Minnesota beat the Packers and said “Well, it wouldn’t have mattered if Detroit beat Chicago. We still have to win this game!”  I tore off the tags of my new RG III jersey and settled in to watch the big showdown.  I cheered so loud that I am positive Dude could hear me all the way up in heaven!  I was nervous and excited the whole time.  I stayed up for every minute of the game and watched all of the postgame coverage before finally drifting off to sleep around 1:30am.  Filled with excitement and a heart full of joy, I slept in my jersey.  Four hours later, I was back up at 5:30am for work.  

You might remember this post.  I was frustrated because when the Redskins drafted RG III the city was full of hope and expectation.  Then at the beginning of November, we were 3-6 with a coach who had seemingly given up and dashed playoffs hopes.  Just two months later, we are in the playoffs for the first time in 5 years and NFC East Champions for the first time in 13 years!  During all of the postgame coverage, Shanahan’s comments and our dismal record came up again and again.  Each player interviewed was asked the same two questions: what changed and how did you do it?  Over and over, they repeated the same message: we  took it one game at a time and believed in ourselves.  We prepared and came out to play.  It was patience and belief in themselves that moved them forward.

From the day Dude died, I’ve been encouraged to take it one day at a time.  I’ve explained how difficult this is for me.  I like to think months even years ahead, but grief has not allowed me to do that.  Grief has forced me to take it one day at a time.  When I suspend the belief that it is annoying to be forced to live this way and I just embrace the fact that all I am guaranteed is today, I live more freely and with more appreciation.  I am not always good at remembering this, but Mike’s mom is a champ at reminding me of it.

“One day at a time”, she says. “Just one day at a time."

The Redskins took it one game at a time and currently have a seven game winning streak!

Grief can also steal your self esteem.  Not only did I lose my very best friend, I lost my biggest fan.  For the last eight months, another repetitive message to me has been
“Yes, this is a huge loss, but your life is not over. You are still here, still young, and have a lot to offer”.
At first, this message just bounced off of me and was almost paralyzing.  How was I supposed to move forward?  How would I ever adjust to this?  How would I ever explain this to someone else?  Some people said to not bring it up.  I can’t do that.  Dude was such a huge part of me and this experience is now a part of who I am that to not explain it to the right person at the right time would be a denial of half my life and a huge part of myself.  I trust God to bring me the right person at the right time.  However, I will not get there if I don’t believe that I can.  The Redskins played injured, beat up, and when everyone counted them out.  If they’d given in to those feelings and had given up, we wouldn’t be celebrating today.  But they believed and we cheer like maniacs!!  I may have lost my biggest cheerleader on earth, but I know he is cheering me on from above.  I also have lots of fans still with me, too.  Now, I just have to continue to work on believing in myself and things will turn around.

One of the rookie quarterbacks will probably win “Rookie of the Year”, but honestly, Alfred Morris should be a contender.  He was a 6th round draft pick with very low expectations and has been explosive on our offense!  When thinking about the LSAT and law school I feel like Alfred Morris.  I am pretty sure my LSAT score is not going to be good.  I might end up being a school’s “6th round pick”.  If someone is willing to give me a chance, I am confident I will be a firecracker and excel.

Tomorrow the calendar turns to a new year.  I entered 2012 with much hope and anticipation.  It turned out to be the worst year of my life.  I enter 2013 just as I felt all day yesterday – nervous, excited, scared, and anxious.  The good news is I have survived the worst year of my life.  The events of this year have instilled a physical, emotional and spiritual work ethic in me.  If I carry that work ethic into 2013, focusing on “one day at a time”, believing in myself, and trusting God, I think I’ll be OK.  I hope I can go from surviving to thriving, but at the very least, I know I can survive.

Hail to 2013!

and

HAIL TO THE REDSKINS, HAIL VICTORY!!

Easy Button, Please.

Dear God,

All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life.  I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.

Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.

Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.

I never expected to have two surgeries within a year.  I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.

Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar.  They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school.  All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.

This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.

So tired.

Please help me.

Love, Jess

Faith and Patience

Praying sometimes feels like a one way conversation. I know God is there and listening, but I find it hard to hear Him speak back to me. It is entirely possible that I am too busy talking to take time to listen. It's also feasible that I run my mouth and then move onto the next thing completely missing what He has to say. Sometimes I wish God had Facebook, text messaging or gchat. I rarely miss a message there. But, at the same time, what does that say about me? I pay close attention to technology that often fails me and breeze by the Man who created me and loves me more than any of the people I technologically communicate with ever could.

This past month has been different, however. I hesitate to say I have been a better listener. I don't think I have been, but I have not been able to deny God's voice everyday so far. What does He say, you ask? It's a faint but audible whisper. "Faith and patience". I feel God whispering in my ear especially when the situations of the last month have seemed off-kilter or downright impossible. Everyday, I tell God that I don't understand. And, He constantly responds with the words "Faith and patience".

God, being the Man that He is, also knows that sometimes I need re-enforcements. So, what does He do? Put me in situations where I have to exercise faith and patience - situations where He can knock me on head with the message He wants to get through to me. Of course, I think this is rather comical because I feel like I practiced more than my share of patience during my recovery from surgery, but God obviously thinks I could benefit from more practice.

A couple of obvious examples come to mind. Lately, I haven't been able to sleep very well. I think a lot of it has to do with what is going on at work, so I wake up and daydream at night. (Is that really possible?) And, I just let my mind go. Over the last month, I have dreamed some seemingly impossible dreams. Dreams that I know only God can make come true. Even when my family and friends might dismiss my wild imagination,  God whispers those three pivotal words: faith and patience. With God all things are possible, so here's to those "radical dreams" coming true.

I haven't taken the opportunity to tell all of you that I am doing pretty well with my recovery. My canes are back as my main mode of transportation from here to there with the wheelchair trailing behind "just in case". For this, I am so thankful. (I leave for Thailand in 2.5 weeks so my mobility is particularly important) While I am able to hold my body up and put one foot in front of the other with little difficulty, my strength has still not returned 100%. This has become evident when I am working out with my trainer. Jon will ask me to do something that I have repeatedly done successfully before my surgery and I struggle at even the thought of attempting the exercise. After 45 minutes of exercise, I am panting, sweat drips down my face, and I am on verge of tears thanks to the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion of the workout. It's not attractive and has been a source of discouragement and loss of self-confidence. I get frustrated when I walk slower than a turtle without my canes from one side of the room to the other. Four months ago, I could have walked a whole block in Old Town in the amount of time it took me to get from point A to point B in the gym. There are times during the workout when I just want to collapse on the floor in a pool of tears and give up. But, I hear "faith and patience" and keep going despite the fact that a frustrated expression feels plastered on my face. Today was the first day I have made real noticeable progress, so God's three words to me are clearly at work.

I am confident that God is going to put me in more of these situations. A 24 hour flight to Thailand is an exercise in faith and patience if I've seen one! My hope is that I will continue to pay attention to that whisper. I've asked for an audible message for years, I've got one, and I better pay attention! And, while I had wished it would come in the form of email, Facebook, or gchat (silly, I know), God's voice in my ear is far better. I can hear it anywhere. I don't have to be connected to technology to receive the message.