Day 14: A Photo I Love

When pondering this question, this photo immediately came to mind.  This is one of my favorite photos ever.  It’s a little blurry, but just ignore that.

I simultaneously love and am totally freaked out by this photo.

I am an only child.

He is not my brother.

He is not my cousin.

He is not my parents’ long lost son.

He is not, in the least bit, related to me.

Joseph is a friend of mine.

But, we undoubtedly look like we could be brother and sister.

It freaks us out.

It freaks our families out.

Joseph has a sister.  She doesn’t look anything like me.

I always wanted an older brother.

I love this photo.

Day 9: The Great Steak Dinner

Today, I am supposed to share a photo of my friends.  Given that I have a lot of different groups of friends, I didn’t feel like searching for a bunch of photos only to risk leaving someone important out.  Instead, I want to talk about just one of my friends, my college roommate, Meredith, also known by me as “Hoops” and our great steak dinner.

After being accepted to University of Richmond, I filled out my roommate questionnaire and prayed for a tall roommate.  I wanted a tall roommate because I am so short and can’t reach anything up high.  In the middle of the summer, I received my roommate assignment.  All that was listed on the sheet was her name and where she was from: Meredith from Mt. Laurel, New Jersey.  We talked on the phone to get to know each other a little bit and to divide up who would bring what for our dorm room.  She seemed really nice and I was excited to meet her.  Not once did either one of us ask what the other looked like.  I guess that just wasn’t important. 

On move-in day, this 6’3’’ beautiful woman with the longest legs walked through the threshold of my dorm room.  I prayed for a tall roommate, but tall to me was 5’7’’.  God came through big and gave me a woman taller than my father!!  Not only is she tall, but she loves sports just as much as I do.  She also really enjoyed listening to music and we had a morning ritual of jammin’ out to some tunes while getting ready every morning.  We didn’t have the same classes or the same group of friends, but the two of us became fast friends.  Our late night conversations before bed were often the best part of the day because we had so much to catch each other up on. Hoops was a wonderful roommate.

Sophomore year, we both decided to spread our wings and room with other people.  We quickly realized that we missed being together and decided to room together for the remainder of our years on campus.  We reunited and it felt so good.
At University of Richmond, all the roommates that lived together for four years received a steak dinner at the end of senior year.  Since Meredith and I skipped one year, we were not eligible for the free steak dinner.  We were always kind of bummed about this.  A couple weeks ago, when she was in town, we decided to pretend like it was 2004 and go for our steak dinner.

We each had steak and then walked up to the cupcake place to grab some dessert.

 Nothing tops off a wonderful day better than a cupcake.  Duh!

 
Before we feasted, we hung out in my condo chatting.  As we were about to walk out the door, I realized I should brush my hair to look a little more presentable.  Meredith kindly offered to brush it for me.  This is significant because Meredith would always do my hair for my big sorority functions.  I guarantee you anytime my hair looked nice in college it was thanks to my roommate.  The range of motion in my arm is somewhat limited, so consequently, so are my hairstyles.  Meredith always wanted to make sure I looked my best and did my hair on many occasions.

A day with Meredith in town would not be complete without a little shopping.  My condo is surrounded by shops, so we hopped into a few, purchased some goodies, and she headed on home.

I will always refer to Meredith as “my roommate”.  I haven’t had another one since and would like to keep it that way.  

" Random" Acts of Comfort And My Earth Angel

After Dude died, I received many, many expressions of sympathy.  Many of the messages came from people I went to college with but hadn't spoken to since we graduated nine years ago.  I dubbed these "random" acts of comfort because they came from kind people who were not our close friends and family. I so appreciated them taking time to express their condolences and share stories of their interactions with Dude, and in some cases, the impact he had on their lives.  I don't know how they knew to reach out to me, but was so touched that they did.

One of the "random" acts of comfort came from someone named Mary.  Truth be told, I think I friended Mary on Facebook because I saw one of her wedding photos and thought they were so pretty I wanted to check out more.  C'mon, you know you've done the same thing. You just might not ever publicly admit it.  Mary and I may have had one class together, but our school was small so everyone knew everyone.  She wasn't really friends with me or Dude, but she had definitely had interactions with both of us throughout our four years on campus.  As I sorted through all the condolences, Mary's stood out.  She said that she wanted to share her story with me because she felt she could help me.  Totally grief stricken and heartbroken, I had no idea how I was going to handle the situation I suddenly found myself in.  If someone, anyone, was willing to offer advice, I was willing to listen.  I could use all of the help I could get.  I asked her how she knew to reach out to me.  Her response was that the bond between Dude and I was evident to everyone who came in contact with us.  My response is God sent her to help me.  That's why I call her my Earth Angel.

Mary lost her best friend seven years ago.   She is six years ahead of me in this grief process.  She's been through those dark, hard moments when you just clutch your pillow, lift you head, and realize the pillow case is sopping wet!  She understands the pain.  The confusion.  The utter sense of loss.  She "gets" me. My situation is rather complicated, but Mary's been in my shoes.  Mary has gone from barely surviving to thriving.  God sent Mary to show me that there is hope and a future after suffering such a devastating blow.

She reminds me of the love Dude and I shared.  That, no matter what, that love is a gift that is mine forever.  The memories are treasures that only I will have.  She assures me that I can move forward without having to pretend Dude never existed.  She begs me not to ever make such a sacrifice.  Mary also sends me surprises.  I love surprises.  Dude used to love to surprise me.  Look what just came in the mail!

That's dark chocolate.  I told you she was an angel!  Accompanying the chocolate was the perfect message:

life is an ocean you must swim across with salt in your eyes and big waves to cross; there are storms and sharks and sunburn to face, but despite the current, you must keep your pace; weak and tired when you reach the beach, yet strength and wisdom the waves of life teach.

One of the most difficult things about grief is no matter how hard I work to get through the pain, I cannot bring Dude back.  But, I sure am glad I have Mary to join me on this difficult road.  She knows it's not easy, but a little dark chocolate makes it more bearable.

A "random" act of comfort led me to my Earth Angel.  So thankful. 

     

Sun In My Belly

You can tell I am slowly adjusting to everything that has happened to me over the last year because I am back to traveling.  In fact, I have been on 3 trips in the last three months.  I love to travel, and while I always imagine DC will be my home base, I can’t stay in the same spot for too long.  I have this insatiable desire to see the world. For the last year, grief has squelched that longing.  Dude would be so upset with me for not jet setting because we both had that travel bug and planned to go many places – and even live in London for a brief stint, which I would still most definitely consider.

I’ve been so busy going places and making new memories that I haven’t blogged about our UR reunion in Atlanta that took place back in February!  My friends from college are some of the most genuine, adventurous, loyal, caring, curious, and intellectually stimulating people I know. We come from all different backgrounds – some are from the North, some from the South and we are in a variety of professions – lawyers, doctors, dentists, professors, managers.  Our differences unite us and our bond is strong. 

Since 2005 (year after we graduated), we have been having an annual reunion.  We are geographically spread out around the United States, so we rotate houses each year.  There are about 10 or 12 of us that try to make reunion.  This year, only 4 of us could make it as it is getting increasingly more difficult with pregnancies and babies.  Eventually, though, I hope and imagine us having family reunions with all of our munchkins running around as if they were “cousins”, and Brad being "Uncle Brad" and spoiling our kids because he doesn’t want any of his own and can’t imagine why the rest of us would think becoming parents is a good idea (love you, B-rad)!!  I guarantee you he will be the one that buys our children the toy that the kid thinks is the absolute greatest yet according to the parents, it is the most annoying.  You know the ones I am talking about -  Ones with the never-ending beeps and sounds.  Yeah, I am in for it, one day. I just know it.

Our 2013 reunion was in Atlanta at John and Alyssa’s house.  I’ll pretty much let the photos speak for themselves. We ate a lot, but I didn’t get many photos of the food.  By the way, you know you are a blogger when you become crazy about taking photos of food.  I mean you just might need to show the rest of the internet how delicious you meal is, right? So, no photos of my meals out of the house, but my favorite place we ate at was this adorable restaurant in Decatur called Sun in my Belly.  I wanted to go every day.  I asked if we could go every day.  I got overruled.  We couldn’t go every day because we had so much more to see and experience.

Decatur, GA.  We had fun doing a little shopping and eating at Sun in My Belly

No Sun in My Belly today.  Homemade crepes instead!!

Hanging around in our jammies!  Just like college -- sort of

We tasted a ton of Coke products.  Inca Cola? GROSS!

Waiting for the Coke movie.  The glasses were much more fun than the movie!

"Uncle Brad"

We would tour by day and laugh the night away with games of Apples to Apples and Mad Libs.  Playing Mad Libs at age 12 and at age 31 is quite different.  If we weren’t laughing, we were engaged in some intellectual debate or stuffing our mouths with the M&Ms that were just left on the table all day that Sydney (their dog) never touched! We were amazed.

UR in Atlanta 2013

What a fun trip with such dear friends!  Sun in my belly, for sure.

What I Need Most From My Friends

Hi Friend,

That’s right!  I’m talking to you.  The one reading this blog.  My parents don’t read this blog.  Maybe I should be offended by that, but I’m not. It’s probably for the best. So, yeah, this is directed at you, my friends (and people I don’t actually know but I’m sure if I met you, we’d be friends in real life and not just in the blog world.)

Let’s just be honest and say the last year has not been easy for either one of us.  My world was blown wide open and I hit rock bottom.  You’ve rushed in to be there for me even though you may not have known how to help.  I certainly haven’t known how to tell you to help me.  It’s been this messy dance of try this, try that, “Is she OK?  “Did I say/do the right thing” from your perspective and “Am I responding in the right way?” from mine. This whole grief thing is tricky.  Tag the word suicide onto the death and things can quickly spiral into totally foreign territory.  What a heartbreaking, life altering experience.

I’m here to tell you, it may be messy, but it’s beautiful - like an oriental rug.  If you actually flip over an oriental rug, you will see there are all sorts of knots. It doesn’t make sense how such a mess can create such beauty on the other side.  It may take me a long time to see the beautiful things that have come from Dude’s death, but there is no question that I have felt loved and supported by you in this darkest and most difficult time.  Thank you for everything – for the phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages, cards, emails, earrings, necklaces, photos, songs, poems, quotes/Bible verses, prayers, hugs, shoulders to cry on, food, cupcakes (those are separate from food because they are just THAT important). I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I may not have been able to tell you what I needed in the beginning, but now that I am a year in, I am better able to articulate my need.  So, what do I need?

I need you to understand that even though it’s been a year, the grief will not disappear. I am learning that this is a very slow and painful process, but from April 4th 2012 on, I have been moving forward with my “new life.”  I may not move forward as fast as you or I would like or in the way either one of thinks is “the right way."  One day at a time, one step at a time, progress is being made.  There will still be days that I am overwhelmed with grief.  With that said, when the intense pain comes, I know I have been here before and will survive. I know how to handle it.  I have also developed the ability to say “no” and to better ask for help.  Before this experience, I said yes to a lot just to make others happy.  Now, I know that I need to take care of myself and that might involve me saying no.  And, I don’t feel guilty about it, which is a big step for me. I have never been afraid to ask for help, but I didn’t know how to ask for help through this experience. That isn’t as much of an issue now. The grief doesn’t consume me as much as it used to, so I can actually have a conversation with you without Dude’s death constantly being in the forefront of my mind.  It’s still important for me to talk about it, but if I want to, I will.

I still need your prayers.

Most importantly, I need you to just be YOU! I loved you for you before this, and this tragedy in my life has not changed my feelings. Yes, I may be sad, but I want to support and celebrate you! It truly does make me happy to see you so happy.  Hopefully, one day, you can celebrate with me, too.  In the meantime, let’s have fun!  Summer is right around the corner!  We’ve got outdoor movies to watch, Nationals games to catch, long strolls that involve window shopping (or real shopping), eating ice cream, and dining outdoors. We’ve got babies to love on, parties to attend, BBQs to have, and margaritas to make a la Casa Bigby.  We’ve got laughs to share and memories to make. I’ve not been up for all of those things for quite some time, but I feel ready now….even if I might need a little prodding at times.  You are a whole lot of fun and I want to spend time with you.

Thank you for your love and support, but most of all, thank you for being YOU.

A Lesson from a Two Year Old

I just spent five days with the Fentons.  I love the Fentons.  Carmen and I became fast friends when we were in Bible study together.  We were randomly selected as prayer partners.  That meant we had to meet outside of our weekly meeting to pray together.  We did that, but always found ourselves spending extra time doing things we enjoyed. We just hit it off!  Four years ago, she and her husband, Jason, moved back to the homeland aka Texas.  While I was sad to see them go, the distance hasn't weakened our friendship.  In fact, it may have strengthened it.  I look forward to my yearly visit to see them.  It is so fun, so easy, full of laughter, sometimes a few tears, and lots of Mexican food! This year, Ella, their daughter, was old enough to hang out and get in on the fun.  I'll do another post on the specifics of my visit and the rodeo, but I wanted to pause and write about a lesson I learned from Ella, age 2.

Ella spends her days at a Christian preschool. At school, right before eating, she repeats this prayer. The prayer goes like this:

"Thank you, thank you God, for our family, friends and food." 

Each time we would eat "Thank you God" needed to be said.  If we picked up our forks without singing the prayer, Ella would remind us that we forgot something.  "Thank you God!  Thank you God!", she insisted.  Oh right, "Thank you God". We dropped our forks, bowed our heads and folded our hands in prayer.  One time, I even caught a glimpse of her singing "Thank you God, hands folded and all, in her car seat.

Ella's insistence on thanking God was a stark reminder to me.  Praying is something I like to do. I love to talk and praying is a form of talking to God.  However, lately my prayers have been: "God fix this." God take this pain away".  "God help".  Rarely do my prayers revolve around thanking God for things He has given me and the blessings I've received even in the darkest time of my life.  I am in the most difficult time of my life thus far, but I still have much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that God is my ever present help in times of trouble.  I am thankful that He provides peace beyond my own understanding.  I am thankful for my family and friends.  And chocolate.  And friends who surprise me with chocolate.  I am thankful for love even though I lost it. I am thankful that I am never truly alone. And I am thankful for all of the Fentons, particularly to Ella for teaching me/reminding me of something so important.

I love this sweet little lady.

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful

Colossians 4:2

Beware: Grief Brain

What is grief brain, you ask?  It is a term I made up (I think).  It basically means my brain is missing and I am just waiting for it to return.  My mind is about as mixed up as my life is right now. I remember in the early days, weeks, and months after Dude died I could not concentrate on anything but the loss. I went to work the day after he died (yes, some people think this is crazy, but I needed something to do. I needed to have a job – no pun intended). I left work when I got the call that he was gone, but didn’t skip a day between the April 4 and April 10 – the day I left for the funeral. Then I went back to work right after the funeral and haven’t taken any vacations since. Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to jet-setting down to Texas on Thursday and then off to Aruba in a few weeks.  The days, weeks and first few months after Dude died were my most productive.  I was a machine.  It was sort of a defense mechanism because if I sat there and thought about what had just happened, I would launch into ugly, gasping for breath sobs and that is just not something anyone should do at work – ever – unless you find out that he died while you are at work – then all bets are off --- yeah….

Anyway, back to grief brain.  Grief brain is a complete lack of productivity. It is full on distraction.  It tends to return at the month anniversaries or important dates.  I don’t welcome it for too long, but do allow it to come because it just is what it is and if I fight it, I’ll pay later. I’ve noticed it’s been particularly bad the last two days. Some of that has to do with all of the confusion going on at work.  I don’t have to focus as hard as I normally would until the dust settles and we all know where we fall.  Did I mention we are going through an agency reorganization and things are all mixed up? Nobody knows where I will end up, but I won’t lose my job so praise God for that. So, things are kind of fluid these days and we have a little breather.  That is good because I can have more flexibility with taking care of my dad.  We work in the same building.  Sometimes it is nice, sometimes it is annoying, but it is working out well because he should not be driving….and when he calls and says he doesn’t feel good and I have to end up taking him home to get Mom before a second trip to the ER, it works out well.  We are still waiting for Dad’s surgery to be scheduled.  For crying out loud, just do it!  We have a trip to Aruba.  We need a beach.

My dad being sick has certainly illuminated the loss of Dude.  I want him here. I know he would be here.  He was really close to my dad.  I know he would say “Calm down, Killer. Everything is going to be OK” And, if he was extra sweet, he would get me a cupcake because he knew a cupcake makes everything better in my book. And, I am sure he is here with me. It’s just that I want hugs and kisses and cupcakes and songs, too.  But, instead I have to “settle” for him watching over us.  And, hopefully, he is asking God to heal my dad just like I am asking God to heal my dad.

I am confident my brain is in Texas. It is thrilling to look at the clothes laid out to be packed.  They are lightweight with lots of stripes. I didn’t realize I liked stripes so much, but apparently I do.  And, I cannot wait to see all four Fentons! I didn’t get to see them last year, so I haven’t met the youngest member of the Fenton family, and I am so excited!  We are going to the rodeo, and shopping, and eating lots of yummy Mexican food….but no snow cones.  It is still “Winter” there so the snow cone stands are closed.

DC is supposed to get “Snowquester” tonight, four to eight inches.  That’s big for us!  I think I’ll catch the flakes as they fall and pack the snow in my suitcase.  I’ll bring it down so we can make homemade snow cones!

….and grief brain will fly away as my plane to Texas ascends into the sky….if not before.

Unconditional love

Over the last year and a half, I have learned what it means to love and be loved unconditionally.  I don't think you realize how much you truly love someone until you are at risk of losing them.  It was around this time last year that Dude's behavior took an odd and troublesome turn.  As I have said to the countless friends who have asked me what happened, in the end, he was not himself.  He was unrecognizable, even.  In one of our last conversations, I remember "yelling", "Who ARE you? I don't even know who I am talking to anymore!" It was sad and frustrating and confusing to watch my best friend, the man who knew me better than anyone else and vice versa, transform into a different person. With that, came some very difficult times. But, it was during this time that I knew how much I loved him and wouldn't be able to stand to lose him.  Regardless of the erratic behavior, I would not walk away.  I would love him unconditionally. Being loved by him in return was such a blessing.

Then the unspeakable, the unthinkable happened. My world was rocked.  My heart was broken.  He was gone.  Forever.

Admittedly, the last 10 months have been quite an adjustment for me.  I have never experienced such pain and been in such a low spot in my life.  I am not the same person I was when Dude was alive and am learning what it means to live with the loss. I am learning that the relationship has transformed, but the love remains.

If I am honest, I have not been the most fun person to be around.  I am not constantly crying, but the spark that I once had (Anyone see The Bachelor this week?  Tierra is quoted saying she has sparkle!) is a little dim.  But, my friends have been amazing.  Many have done what they can to show me how much I am loved and to uncover my sparkle, as Tierra would say.  (This was intended to be a serious post, but Tierra and her uncontrollable eyebrow just fit in perfectly!)  They have invited me to do things with them.  Sometimes I accept the invitation.  Sometimes I decline.  It feels like some people have walked away.  But the ones that are there, are there and I am just so thankful. The roller coaster of emotions that you experience in grief is certainly not fun for the griever, but it can't possibly be a thrill ride for those who have been beside me. However, as a close friend wrote in a birthday card this year, "I'm eager to continue to walk this road with you and to see what God has in store." Can you say amazing? She is not at all related to this tragedy.  Talk about unconditional love.  It is so easy for me to fall into the woe-is-me-all-of-this-is-so-sad territory, but just when I start to choose that path, God slaps me in the face with blessings and love.  That I cannot miss. Unconditional love.  And, it is awesome.

Speaking of God, there have been so many times in the last 10 months that I have been all out angry with Him.  I'm talking fuming type of angry.  Why oh why oh why did any of this happen?  It seems senseless and pointless....and maybe it is.  I believe Dude taking his own life broke God's heart as much as it has broken mine.  But, I also believe that God scooped Dude up into His loving arms and brought him to heaven at the time of his death.  And I believe that as mad as I can get at God at times for all that has happened, He is still there for me and He loves me.   Each time I am tempted to turn away, He is there, listening patiently, crying with me, showing me unconditional love.

So, today is Valentine's Day.  Many people are going to celebrate with the love of their life.  They are so blessed.  I don't have a Valentine this year.  One day, I will.  No valentine, but I am blessed too.  I have learned what it means to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally in return.

One day, my sparkle will return.  But, today, I am celebrating Valentine's Day by getting a haircut.  And, while I'm at it, I should make sure those eyebrows are under control because sparkle with uncontrollable eyebrows is just unacceptable!!  You'd still love me unconditionally, though, wouldn't you? Sorry had to do it.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but it rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7   

A Hoppy Birthday

I wasn't too excited about celebrating my birthday this year.  I didn't have anything planned.  That's quite unusual for me because I love birthdays, but this year I just wasn't into making it anything special.  My friends and family know me much better than that and decided that despite my ho-hum attitude, I deserved something very special.  Here's how it all went down:

These ladies (my small group) always know how to make me smile and completely surprised me with the sweetest birthday card and a s'more cake.

Please excuse the mess. The cake looked bizarre zoomed in.

That's right!  It's what you think it is! One, big s'more!  We actually had s'more dip for dessert that night, so I took this baby home and ate it for breakfast the next morning.  YUM!

On my actual birthday, my parents and I went to a fancy, french restaurant called Le Ferme in Chevy Chase, MD.  We normally only go here once a year, so it was really special.

I had the dover sole, which happened to be the most expensive item on the menu. Ooops! I guess that is what "market price" means.  It was so delicious, though.

 For dessert, the waiter brought me a chocolate souffle and wished me a "hoppy birthday"!!

Even though my parents hate ice cream cake, they also surprised me with a chocolate cake with mint chocolate chip ice cream. 

Mom was funny and put trick candles on the cake.  She said after the year I've had, I'd want to have more than just one wish!  She was right.  I had a lot of fun making many wishes and questioning my lung capacity as those flames continued to reignite over and over.

My third and final celebration was with our family friends.  We just had a quiet dinner at home, but Kim was so sweet to make my favorites.  She made this ceasar salad that is just to die for.  I have never had anything like it before.

Then she also made cookies and cream pie which has now replaced the Baskin Robbins ice cream cake as my favorite.  This pie was amazing!

As for presents, my parents gave me a brand new Spyder ski jacket that I am hoping to get some good use out of this year. Kim, Roy, and Ryan gifted me with two beautiful Lenox crystal votive candle holders as a symbol of bright, new beginnings.

Thank goodness my friends and family didn't listen to my bah humbug birthday mumblings. They all did what they could to make it very special.  A hoppy birthday, indeed.  Thirty-one has started off oh so fun!

A Few Good Men.

In the wake of tragedy, you are keenly aware of what you've lost.  As time distances you from the shock, the impact of the loss sinks in.  You know what you've lost, but may be pleasantly surprised by what you've gained.  I am not talking about an inheritance or the tens of pounds that now show up on my thighs thanks to grief eats. I've mentioned before how I am so thankful that many people swooped in to protect me and support me during the most difficult time of life.  I am not going to specifically call people out  because I know I will miss a few, but one of the best surprises of working towards recovery in this tragedy is the way Mike's guy friends have taken care of me. Talk about a few good men. (Well, really more than just a few, but few sounded good for the title)

It is no surprise that on April 3, 2012 the world lost one of the most amazing men the world has ever known.  People always speak highly of the dead even if it is not necessarily true, but in the case, it is entirely true. I continue to learn the many ways Mike touched lives even if just in passing. I only wish he had realized his impact on this world and made the decision to stay. But he didn't. And calling to tell his friends of his death was....I can't even describe it. Hearing/seeing grown men reduced to a puddle of tears is just so sad. I know I am not being very articulate here, but it is because I truly can't describe it. Many of them were caught by complete surprise because Mike kept his illness very close hold.  I wish this hadn't been the case because I know every single one of those guys would have been there for Mike. But that was his choice and I had to honor that for him. I unwillingly said goodbye to one amazing man whom I loved.....and gained the love and support of his friends.

One of the most helpful things in dealing with all of this is talking about it.  Talking about how I feel.  Mumbling words through tears that feel like they will never end. Yelling at the horror of it all.  Getting angry at Mike, God, the mental health system, doctors, whoever I feel like being mad at the time. All of that has happened.

Now, tell me, what guy wants to willingly listen to a woman cry and talk in circles?

{If she is your wife, OK, that would be the loving thing to do.}

These guys!!

They encourage me to talk about what happened.  They encourage me to write down my feelings and to express them.  They remind me that Mike loved me and wants me to be happy.  They send me inspirational quotes.  And cards that they -- not their wives -- wrote.  I can tell by the handwriting. HA! They have shared stories and jokes that have made me laugh until my sides split.

They have loved and supported me in the spirit of true friendship through all of this. 

And I am so thankful that I know more than just a few good men.

{Y'all know who you are. I am so proud to call you friends.}

When all else falls, love still remains

It’s been a tough year.  Life has been hard on many fronts.  I cannot wait to see 2012 go, hoping that 2013 has some blessing in store.  There’s been sorrow and darkness and my world as I knew it for nearly half my life fell apart.   For many months, I walked around in my hometown and everything seemed unrecognizable, unfamiliar, meaningless.  However, even in the midst of such despair, I always knew there was a reason to go on. It is said that in the midst of tragedy people come together.  We saw it with September 11th, Hurricane Sandy, the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and I have witnessed it first hand in my own life this year.  My world crumbled, but amidst the rubble has been a fortress of love.

I sat down to write my New Years Christmas cards and realized there were so many people I wanted to thank for the love and support they have given me throughout the most difficult year of my life.  The road is long, but so many have helped me to move forward and have stood beside, in front of, or behind me as I’ve tried to navigate this journey I never wanted to be on.  If you know me well, you know how much I am against using technology for personal thank yous (and big events - no evites). But, I only have 27 cards and there are so many more people who have supported me, I have to resort to this. So, in no particular order, here is my measly attempt to thank all of you for your love and support.

God: (Ok, maybe there is a little order) "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. You turn my darkness into light" - Psalm 18:28.  Take care of Dude up there and give him big hugs, kisses and high fives!  I miss him so much.

My family: It hasn’t been an easy road as my parents are grieving the loss, too. They also have no idea what to do sometimes because it is frustrating to not be able to take away my pain. No doubt, they try their best to make sure I have enough space to grieve and encourage me to move forward, too. Thank you for making it possible for me to be in Aruba over the anniversary of Dude's death.  Zoe and Phoebe, our dogs, have been the biggest comfort with a never-ending supply of hugs, kisses, tail wags, and snuggles. Those two always know how to make me smile.

Dude’s family: Thank you for all of your love (and Scramble games) during your time of deep grief. You have adopted me into the family and have been an incredible support.  It has been a huge help for me to talk to you.  Know that Dude will always remain someone so special to me and there will always be a hole in my heart now that he is gone.

My favorite Spiders, you know who you are: You swooped right in and have surrounded me even though many of us are geographically distant.  We’ve bonded through laughter and tears, photos and sweet memories. Thanks for taking care of me. Y’all are as loyal as the day is long.  I hate that we have to go through this, but I am glad we are together.

Mary: You are an angel on this earth that God sent to help me.

Spiders: Although it’s been under horrific circumstances, I’ve really appreciated all of the notes and messages and memories you’ve shared.  I have kept every one and have shared them with Mike’s family.  We are blown away by the impact that he had on so many people and are comforted by all the stories. One Spider and I were talking right after he died and I mentioned to her how much I enjoyed hearing stories of people’s interactions with Mike. Her response was “Well, I suspect you’l l be hearing those for many years to come.” I sure do hope so.  Mike and I used to always joke that between the two of us, we knew the entire school.  I’ve enjoyed getting to meet and befriend many of you I didn’t know before this. Thanks for reaching out.

My small group: I’d never be able to do what I did that night without your help. Thanks for all you have done for me whether it be sitting next to me when I can’t come up with any words, praying for me, bringing me things to make me smile, or driving a long way just for a hug.  I am so blessed to have you ladies in my life.

My friends: It’s not necessary to know the right words or to say anything at all.  Any little thing has made a difference.  I know I haven’t been the most fun, but I hope you understand and know that I appreciate all of your support.  For those of you that never got to meet Dude, when we all get to heaven someday I’ll introduce you.  Until then, I hope you'll get a glimpse of him through me.

Colleagues: You have been patient and do all that you can to make me smile throughout the day. Work isn’t the best place to be, but boy do I have some caring colleagues!!

Bloggers I’ve never met: The fun thing about blogging is that you get a glimpse into people’s lives that you have never met and may never meet. I’ve received notes of support and prayers from many of you. How cool that we can be a community even when we are so far apart and only know each other through our little space on the web?!

Dude:  Even though I have a tendency to get so mad at you for what you did, I am so thankful for the time that we got to spend together.  Thank you for finding ways to take care of me despite your own pain. I will love you and miss you forever.  Stay close.

I’ve learned that this will be a lifelong healing process, but things will get better.  They have gotten better.  I am so blessed to have so much love and support. Thank you for everything and please stay close.

With a grateful heart, I wish each and every one of you a happy new year.  

A Little Christmas Cheer

In honor of my moving back into my condo and my determination to truly celebrate Christmas despite this difficult year, I decided to have a party. It ended up being a more intimate gathering than I anticipated, but it was perfect! I loved being able to spend time with my friends and not feel rushed to try to get around to everyone. I also loved that the food options I chose meant that I could sit on the couch and enjoy the company instead of standing in the kitchen monitoring the oven or the stove. This was purposeful. I'll let the photos (from my phone) do most of the "talking".

 The bar: wine, beer, soda, water, virgin cranberry cocktail and Christmas tea (not pictured)

Good eats: fruit, veggies with spinach and artichoke dip, shrimp, cheese ball and crackers, turkey sandwiches, meatballs, sausage balls, and cookie dough dip with pretzels. I actually made the meatballs, sausage balls and cookie dough dip. Yes, I actually cooked something and it tasted good. The world really might end in a few days! I forgot to take a photo of the cupcakes and cookies. I made the cupcakes too, but they were a bit wimpy! They tasted good, but didn't look that pretty. Next time.

Even better than the food was the company. One fail of the night was that I didn't take pictures of all of the people there, but here are a few. Not pictured are the Caseys and Jessica. I have the best friends in the world. I always knew they were amazing, but the love and support they have given me this past year is indescribable.

 Love those Landers

 Blessed to be able to call people who started out as "Mike's friends" my own now.

 This isn't the best photo, but George makes it adorable. So much fun to see the Guernseys!

 And, finally, my very own Christmas tree! This is my "first" one. My parents bought me a tree two years in a row previously, but then took both of them to use in their house. This one is my very own. I had so much fun decorating it and look forward to increasing my ornament collection over the years.

This little party was a great way to kick off the Christmas season! Thanks to everyone who came to share the love and the joy of the season with me. The only negative: I have a whole bowl of cookie dough dip in my fridge and I live alone. T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

My Pants Don't Fit

If you know me, you know how much I like to eat! It's really kind of embarrassing, but Thanksgiving is a holiday made for me. Food, family, football, thankfulness....I'm there! Apparently, I like Thanksgiving so much, I felt it necessary to celebrate it 5 times this year!

It all started out with my prayer group Thanksgiving. The only Thanksgiving I have photos of.

Kathryn always has the best centerpieces!

 

We had turkey, macaroni and cheese, green bean casserole, stuffing, and mashed potato casserole (code for fattening, but Jen made sure to let us know all of the ingredients used were low fat or fat free! Tasted like full fat to me!)

Yes, it was as delicious as it looks.

For dessert, Julia made a pumpkin pecan cake. It was so "light" and yummy!

Unfortunately, I didn't take a picture of the company, but here we are at my birthday. We missed Ashley because she was on a mission trip in Ethiopia. I am so thankful for all of these ladies.

After prayer group Thanksgiving, the very next day, the cafeteria at work offered Thanksgiving dinner. It wasn't the best, but still good. Then my dad's office had a Thanksgiving potluck. Man, was that delicious! Those people can cook! I wasn't supposed to participate in that one, but Dad knows how much I like to eat, so he snuck me a plate!

By the time, Thursday rolled around, I'd already had three Thanksgiving feasts, but the real deal did not disappoint! Normally, we spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with our friends who are like family, the Collins. Typically, they come to our house for Thanksgiving and we go to Annapolis for Christmas. This year we switched it up and gobbled the feast in Maryland. We had a wonderful time, but like always, there aren't many leftovers, so Mom ordered a Thanksgiving dinner for us to have at home. Last night, I had my fifth and final Thanksgiving of 2012!

I didn't work out all last week thanks to some scheduling conflicts. I am headed to Aruba in April and need to get it in gear now, so I don't have to go crazy to get into shape later. My regular trainer, Jen, will be back this week so I know she will kick my butt!

After five feasts, my pants don't fit, my heart is full, and I am one proud Redskins fan!!




  

Unplugged

We're now one week into 2012 and I've been doing some serious thinking about my hopes and dreams - commitments and resolutions - for this new year.  Last week , I posted about those and hope to stay committed to them. But, this week, as I mourned the end of the Christmas season and helped pack away all of the decorations, I felt convicted. One of the most exciting parts of Christmas for me is checking the mail everyday. I love to flip through what fell through the mail slot and find what I think are the Christmas cards! I anxiously rip open the envelopes secretly hoping for a beautiful photo card or one of those long letters that details what seems like every hour of a family's last 365 days. After admiring the photos or the card that housed the annual Christmas letter, the card is placed on the window for all to see. As we get closer and closer to Jesus' birthday, the windows are packed with smiles and cheer that I admire every time I walk into the room.

So, why is it that most people put forth so much effort to send cards during the Christmas season and every other time of the year it is perfectly acceptable to just send some sort of electronic greeting? Now, I must say, I am a bit of a hypocrite in writing this post. I loved receiving all of the cards, but this year I did not personally send any. My family sent cards to people we don't regularly see, but I sat on my butt for over 8 weeks and did not take the time to compose a single Christmas card to any of my friends. Lazy, I know! However, as I was recovering, a few people took the time to send me get well cards. One of my friends sent me a card once a week. I looked forward to this cheer. It made a difference in my day. Don't get me wrong, the electronic greetings were nice too (Thank you!). There's just something about seeing a person's face or their handwriting that seems to make that greeting extra special.

Given these two recent experiences (Christmas and recovery), I am going to be more unplugged this year. I have a love-hate relationship with technology, but still have no intention of abandoning it. But it' s time for me to not use it as a crutch. You know what I am talking about. The thought that passes through your mind, 'Well, I wished her "Happy Birthday" on Facebook that should be enough". Well, this year when it comes to my family and friends, using technology to express such sentiments is personally not enough! I remember the feeling I got when I received a card in the mail.   It's time for me to pay that feeling forward to the people who mean the most to me.

So, friends, check your mailboxes this year! Of course, it'll be full of junk and bills, but every once and awhile, you will get a little surprise from me! If I keep up with my commitment to be more unplugged, I should also be able to wipe number four off of my list!

Richmond Reflections

Today I received a new University of Richmond t-shirt in the mail. The Alumni Recruitment Committee(ARC) chairs sent it as an expression of appreciation and thanks for the ARC's effort to recruit the Class of 2015. When the UR admissions office asked me to be an ARC member I jumped at the opportunity to promote my school and help shape the incoming classes of future Spiders. Each time I interviewed a prospective student I got a little nostalgic for my years spent at 28 Westhampton Way. Receiving the t-shirt not only brought back that nostalgia and joy, but also reminded me that God truly does know best. University of Richmond started out as the university farthest from my mind and became the school closest to my heart.

Do you remember or shall I rewind? Some of my favorite memories...

- Meeting my roommate for the first time only to discover she is exactly one foot taller than I am! She is just as cool as she is tall. And loves sports just like I do.
-The Jepson School of Leadership Studies. Yeah, call us "Club Jepson" but I befriended some remarkable people and learned some impactful lessons that I still carry with me today. We worked hard, influenced and served others, and had some fun too.  Anyone remember the hot air balloon ride during one of Dr. Couto's classes?
- All things a capella. Perhaps you would call me an Octaves groupie.
- Ring Dance - I will never forget everyone cheering for me as I walked down the stairs of the Jefferson Hotel without my canes.
-Surviving Hurricane Isabelle and enjoying the week long "hurrication" after the natural disaster.
-Marci presenting me with the Westhampton College Leadership Court award.
-Sledding (for the first time in my life) down the hill next to Gray Court.

-Celebration night - all of the seniors around the lake the night before graduation listening to speeches, reflecting on our four years, and enjoying fireworks.
-All things Delta Gamma -- especially my little sister. I knew the moment I met her that she would be a special person in my life :V
-The cats that lived in Annie's ceiling tiles.
-Ukrops!
-Parent's weekend - That meant the lake was clean, the leaves were blown out of the woods, the food was fancier than normal...and the opportunity to eat out at some of the nicest restaurants in Richmond thanks to my parents (and spend time with them, of course)
-Singing and dancing to every single N'Sync song that has ever been composed. Don't judge. My roommate and I had a morning ritual. 
-7-oh-dos
-late night conversations with my roommate and dear friends
  
I am thankful and so proud of the Spiders that I am blessed to call some of my closest friends. It's been 11 years since we all converged on one of the most beautiful campuses in the United States and 7 years since we graduated and spread across the country. Despite the geographical distance between us, we reunite each year to laugh, reflect, and continue to strengthen our bond. I will wear my new Richmond shirt with pride. The shirt is an expression of thanks for my effort for the school. In actuality, I should regularly express gratitude to God, the school, and to my friends for the way they have enriched my life.

Miss ya Spiders. Hope to see you soon.

Grainy photo but almost all of us are there.

Who are your water boys?

What does it mean to be a true friend? This blog post got me thinking. In today's society, we use the term "friend" rather loosely.  At last check, I have 825 friends on Facebook.  My best friend dubs me the unofficial mayor of Alexandria because whenever she and I are out together, without fail, we run into someone I know! But out of all of the connections I have made in my life, how many of those people are true friends?
I am a huge sports fan. And, while not every person you'd call a friend in your life will fit into these two categories, to me, it makes sense. Think of a professional football team playing in a game. Behind every team are the fans. With every team are the water boys.
There are different types of fans. We all know the die hard fans. Some might call them fanatics. They support their team no matter what. In their eyes, their favorite team can do no wrong. Then there are the fair-weather fans. Those who jump on the bandwagon when the team has a winning season, but as soon as the team starts to struggle, they fade away into the background.
Nobody ever really thinks about the water boys. In actuality, they play an important role. The water boys are down on the sidelines with the team. They choose to be there. They are not obligated (they probably don't even get paid. I don't know.) Such a position provides them a unique perspective. The water boys are right beside the players and coaches as they experience the ups and downs of the game. The triumphs, challenges, tears, high fives...the reaction and emotions associated with the outcome of the game. The water boys also provide the most important thing - water. No matter how talented, skilled, or determined a player you are, you will not make it through an entire game without water! Water keeps you going and allows you to play at your best. Yes, each professional player could fill their own water bottle and search for it when he comes off the field, but it is nice and comforting to know that someone is there for them when they need the water most.
A true friend is one that who helps you grow. One who challenges, encourages, enriches and strengthens you. A true friend is with you as you think through something and (to continue with my analogy) play the game called life. This does not mean they always agree with you. A true friend is not a fanatic. S/he is not afraid to confront you when they feel you may be going off course. A true friend is not a fair weather fan either. No need to fear them jumping off the bandwagon when you have a losing season. A true friend is analogous to a "water boy" - One who is with you during the struggles, the triumphs and the plateaus. One who has made the choice to be there no matter how the game is going.

At any professional football game, there are thousands of fans, but only a few water boys. I have 825 friends/"fans" on Facebook, but only a small number of those are "water boys".

Who are the water boys in your life?

*Christians would say that Jesus is the truest friend. As a Christian myself,  I couldn't agree more. It is not often that I (or most people) take time to seriously think about what makes a true friend, a true friend. The qualities of a true friend are also the qualities of Jesus.  When you strive to be a true friend, you become more like Jesus.

PS: Yes, I know the team does not have the same water boys every game.  For the purposes of this analogy, ignore that part.

Been around the world

I decided to start this blog just for me, but I am not gonna lie, it's fun to have followers.  Getting my first comment brought a smile to my face.  As I continue with this blog, I discover more and more people who are reading it.  The fact that my mom sent the link to everyone she knows including people she just chatted up in the elevator (just kidding) might significantly increase the number of readers.  Thanks Mom!  But, I have also been fortunate to travel to a number of places around the world, form friendships and maintain them long after I've left the paradise in which I met my new friends.  So, guess what!  My blog's gone global!  Here are a few of my faithful followers from around the world:

This is my cousin Eric.  My dad is one of ten, so you'd think I'd have a lot of cousins...but I don't.  There are only seven of us.  Eric is the oldest and the only male cousin.  Way to carry on that Bigby name, Eric!  He lives in Germany and before this meeting, I can't remember the last time we got to see each other!  My dad and a couple of my uncles drove down to NC for the day to see Eric and my Aunt Jackie.  We all had a blast.  The day ended with a delicious feast with a whole lotta SOUL graciously cooked by Eric.  I don't think I ate for three days afterward, but I will treasure the memories of that day forever.

Marcel is not a family member by blood, but he is most definitely a part of my family.  We joke that we inherited him when my godfather passed away a number of years ago.  Marcel is from Brussels, Belgium, but he lived in Washington, DC for 40 years working as a hair stylist for all of the "big wigs" of Washington!  One of his clients was Shirley Temple (yes, the REAL Shirley Temple).  They exchange birthday cards.  It's legit.  He has brought us a lot of fun over the years.  We have tons of stories that would make your sides split from laughter.  My family and I are anxiously awaiting his visit this year.  He also has a summer house in St. Tropez, France.  Next summer, we plan to make a third visit to see him there.  My bags are already packed!

I met Jerry and Sandra on my family's trip to Italy in July 2008.  Jerry and Sandra are from Burnaby (Vancouver) British Columbia, Canada.  We had some real characters on our tour, but are forever thankful for Jerry and Sandra and the friendship that has sustained even after we left the land of good food and wine.  Sandra is fluent in Italian and saved our butts numerous times when we would venture off on our own.  Jerry and I were on a gelato tour.  We had to try gelato in each of the 12 cities we visited.  Unfortunately, I am still paying for such an indulgence.  My mom and I were blessed to be able to visit this wonderful couple in Canada last summer.  Dad missed out on the trip, we all had a blast (and even had more gelato), so we will be going again soon!

Gordon and Naomi were my pool buddies on my latest trip to Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.  Naomi was so inspirational because she would get up early and go running on the beach.  She and Gordon are both marathoners.  They are from Saskatchewan in Canada where Gordon holds a political office.  He has eaten dinner with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace.  Yeah...really...it's true!  He and I regularly exchange emails.  It's always a treat to hear his stories and details of travel for work and pleasure.

Rene, Megi, Elise and Emma kept me entertained on the beach during our trip to Punta Cana.  In a very short period of time, I knew this family was going to be special to me.  They live in Rotterdam, Holland and I wished they lived closer.  Thank goodness for Skype though.  Rene speaks English the best of all four of them, but language barriers did not stop Elise (their 4 yr old daughter) and I from having the best conversations and enjoying each other's company.  We didn't speak the same language, but she still managed to tell me what to do! ;-)  I look forward to seeing all of them sometime soon.  Maybe one day my offer to babysit on vacation will be accepted.

Last but not least is my friend Stef who lives in London.  Stef and I met in college and we are not only good friends but sorority sisters too!  Hot damn Delta Gam!  I have been to London to spend a long weekend with Stef and then recently got to see her again on my family trip to the United Kingdom.  I am also jealous of Stef's adventures all over Europe.  Can't wait to go back  and visit her and Santi.

Whew, almost done!  This is a long post, but I wanted to introduce you to some of my friends around the world.  I know there are readers out there who have yet to reveal themselves.  This would not be nearly as fun without you, so I hope you will join in and let me know who you are.  For those of you I haven't met yet, it's nice to "meet" ya!  Thanks for hanging in there!