No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear – CS Lewis
Anyone who has experienced profound loss knows that this quote rings all too true. The moment death strikes, fear takes a hold of you.
The fear that my life is ruined forever. At the very least, it is marred by this suicide and that will never go away.
The fear that I will not recognize myself at the end of all this. I know I will be forever changed, but what does that look like?
The fear that God has forgotten about me because now I feel left behind.
The fear that I will never find someone who understands me the way Dude did.
The fear that others will forget about Mike or only remember him for how he died.
The fear that I will be forced to forget about Mike and shove half my life in a closet as if it didn’t exist.
The fear that people will distance themselves because they don’t know what to say and I will not feel loved.
But, most fear, although real, is irrational.
If Mike could respond to this, he’d say:
Your life is not ruined forever. I told you I wanted you to be happy and wanted all of your dreams to come true. Keep praying and know that Jesus wants you to be happy and for your dreams to come true, too. His hand is on you and I am watching over you.
How many times have I told you that you are beautiful, amazing, kick-ass and strong? You will always be those things. You will see the world differently, but that’s not bad. Perhaps you will be able to help others through this experience.
God has not forgotten about you. He has you in the palm of His hand. Trust me when I say you need to trust Him. I hang out with Him everyday, He’s got you!
I know you feel a tremendous loss because we were best friends and had so much fun together! But you should see your husband! He is PHENOMENAL. You can thank God (and me because I helped pick him) later.
JB, Remember the song we used to sing with Grams? “Unforgettable, that’s what you are…” It applies to me, too. You can tuck our memories in your heart and move forward. I know you are going to take your time, but you will get there and your life will be even more awesome!
Whenever you feel lonely, look at every note people sent you. Call on Mary. God sent her to you to help you. Remember my last words to you. You are loved.
And God says,
Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the LORD because He cares for you.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
And then it doesn't seem so scary anymore....