Zero to 60 in....2 years?

The months, if not the year, before Dude’s death were troublesome.  He was so sick and in and out of the hospital.  And he wanted all of it to be kept a secret.  I still feel bad that many of his close friends did not know what was going on, but I encouraged him over and over to share with them.  He refused, and I had to honor that for him. All of the effort put into making him feel like life was worth living ultimately ended in failure, but I hope that it kept him alive for a little while longer.  Towards the end, he took extremely good care of me despite his own pain.  I didn’t know what was about to happen, but he knew, and I am forever grateful to him for the love he showed me up until the last minute.        

April 4, 2012 – the day I was officially notified of Dude’s death is also the day I hit rock bottom.  Intuitively, I knew he was dead on April 3rd, but my fears weren’t confirmed until the next day.  When I hit rock bottom, I hit it HARD.  I felt like I had just been in ripped in two, like my heart looked like the Grand Canyon, and someone took what was left and was just simultaneously and repeatedly stabbing me with swords and punching me.  My prayers alternated between “Please God. Just keep my heart beating” to “Forget it.  I can’t live like this.  I would rather be with him.  I won’t take my own life, but heaven is where I want to be.  Make it happen. ”  My faith, my family and friends, and some grief counseling carried me, but I was in bad, bad shape.  My world as I’d known it was blown wide open.  Forever changed.  I had to start all over.

Law school has always been in the back of my mind.  My parents encouraged me to attend law school immediately after undergrad. I told them that I was not ready for that. It is a HUGE commitment and I feel you need a good reason to go to law school.  At the time, “my parents think I’d be a good attorney” did not qualify as a good reason, so I said no, and ventured into the workforce.  Dude and I discussed the possibility of my returning to school and a move to London seemed much more appealing.  This relocation never (or hasn’t yet) happened.  As I continue to advance in my career, law school kept popping up and seemed to make more and more sense.  After Dude’s death, the grief counselors encouraged me to get a goal to push me forward into this “new life”.  I told them I wanted to go to law school.  Without missing a beat, they said, “go for it!” So I did.

I told my friends and family of my plan and got some crazy looks.  Some questioned my ability to take on such a huge commitment of studying for the LSAT during a time of such deep grief.  A few encouraged me to go find a husband and have some children instead.  Some thought one masters was enough.  Many didn’t say anything discouraging, but I think they were thinking this was a crisis move.  I tossed around the idea with my bosses and other colleagues to ensure I wasn’t just overreacting to trauma.  The response was overwhelmingly positive, so I continued.

And then I ran into speed bumps…but God being as awesome as He is, gave me a mentor.  And not just any mentor, but one who is ridiculously respected in the legal community across the US.  And then I applied to law school and had nothing but a pile of rejection letters. My mentor believed in me when no one else did and backed me 100% when I told her I was not giving up.

I sued LSAC (the testing board) for violating the American Disabilities Act.  We settled three days before the October exam.  I was sick at the time, but was not going to miss an opportunity that I’d worked so hard for, and I took the exam. My score was much improved, which meant I’d reapply. 

I submitted my applications and said a prayer.  Within 4 days, I received my first admission decision.  It was an ACCEPTANCE to American University Washington College of Law.  At first, I thought it was just a second email acknowledging they’d received my application.  I was annoyed because they’d already notified me that they had my package and earlier that day declined to meet with me.  I opened it up and the first word I see is “CONGRATULATIONS!!” Not used to seeing those words, I keep re-reading it.  They just got my application on Monday and it was Friday.  It had to be a joke.  It had to be a mistake.  But it wasn’t.  I now have the paper letter and a magnet to prove it. It was God’s confirmation that despite all of the tragedy and trouble and crazy looks that have come my way over the last 1.5 -2 years, He has a plan for me.  Dude has left, but I have work left to do on earth.      
A firm believer in needing a reason to go to law school, I now have two interests – government procurement law and disability rights law.  I feel strongly about doing disability rights law pro bono because I can’t bear to have others pay the amount I did to simply get the accommodations they need and are lawfully entitled to have.  In addition to my new interests, I also gained the most amazing mentor who is overwhelmed with joy at the news of my acceptance. Best of all, this man,

the “Most Outstanding Student” of UR Law Class of 2007 watches over me.  

It’s been a slow climb up from rock bottom.  I am still working on it.  Law school brings with it loads of work, but a hope for the future – a new life.  I get sad that Dude is not physically here to be with me on this new adventure, but as two of his friends told me when I shared the news, “Mike knows.  He is very proud and is smiling down on you”  Yes, yes he is. And life is getting much better.

“If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”
- Psalm 34:18, The Message

         "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you - plans to give you hope and a future"  - Jeremiah 29:11

More Determined Than Ever

I don't get this fired up too often, but boy am I smokin'!  Smokin' angry!! I hate the Law School Admission Council.  Yes, hate is a strong word, but it is exactly the word I want to use.  They make no sense.  First, they deny my request for accommodations.  Then they deny the appeal.  Then they deny the disability attorney's appeal.  Why?  Because my GPA is too high!  Just ignore my physical disability completely!  And, while you're at it, downplay my learning disabilities.  Just focus on my GPA.  Focus on the number that was achieved over the course of four years without time constraints.  Yeah, that's a good idea, LSAC.  I'm not in law school yet, but that seems like a pretty fallacious argument to me.  It has nothing to do with anything.  But, you LSAC, seem to think it is valid. Well, guess what!  It's not.  And, you are violating the American Disabilities Act.  And, Department of Justice is going after you for this.  I applaud them - and am tagged onto the case.

You think you are keeping me out of law school, but you don't know me.  You just make me want to work harder.  You make me want to be there even more than I did before.  You've lit a fire that just may push me into disability law.  I WILL get into law school.  I don't know how.  I don't know when.  But I WILL do it.  And, I will fight for justice.

You can knock me down, but you can't knock me out without one heck of a fight!!  The fat lady may be warming up, but she hasn't sung her song.  She's not going to sing.

This devotional showed up in my email this morning, the morning after the ridiculous news:

You see, it’s when we are taking on the tasks that He has called us to do that others, namely the Enemy, will work against us.  And just when our task is about complete, just when we can see the fruits of our labor at hand, they’ll try to distract us.  They’ll threaten us.  They’ll discredit us.

“I am carrying on a great project and cannot go down.”  (Nehemiah 6:3)

source 

Take that, LSAC!  As a dean of one of the law schools told me today, "Stay mad. It is the most motivating factor right now.  Stay hungry." 

Thanks for the fire, LSAC.  You think you've won.  Sorry, you are wrong.  I may need a miracle.  I may need someone to just "do the right thing".  I may need to win the lottery.  But I will resolve this.  And, in the end....

I will win.

It's Just Not In Me

After the man I loved deeply, my best friend, dies by suicide
The amount of strength it takes to keep going is incomprehensible. 
The amount of pain, heartache, devastation, confusion, and overall feeling of fear and failure is indescribable.

How am I ever supposed to move forward and what on earth does that even mean?

It’s just not in me.

After I embark on a “new” path to go to law school, spend thousands of dollars on tutoring because I have always been told I am “a bad test taker” and want to put myself in the best position to nail the LSAT.
After I bomb practice test after practice test and then proceed to spend hundreds of dollars to have educational testing only to discover I have actually had a learning disability my entire life.  One extremely common in people with my physical disability.

How was this not discovered before the age of 30? 

It’s just not in me.

After LSAC denies me the accommodations I need to be successful on the LSAT….twice.
And I bomb it. For real.

How will I ever get into law school?

It’s just not in me.

After talking to my top choice law school and being given the name of a disability attorney to work with in an attempt to get my accommodation denial reversed.
After spending even more money and time to prepare case after case for LSAC and for my prospective law schools.
After learning that Department of Justice has a class action lawsuit against LSAC addressing their repeated denial of accommodations. And then learning this will not help me right now because the suit will likely end up at the Supreme Court and will take years to be resolved.

How will I ever get these accommodations to get a decent score?

It’s just not in me.

After receiving rejection letter after rejection letter.
After being waitlisted at my top choice law school; communicating with them on a regular basis and being told that they are impressed with how I am handling this extremely unfavorable LSAC/LSAT situation.

Will this ever work out? Will I be able to fulfill a dream that I have put on hold for far too long?

It’s just not in me.

After my dad, my hero, was rushed to the hospital, and spent the night in the cardiac unit. After being told he will be having heart surgery soon.

Will he be okay?

It’s just not in me.

It’s just not in me….to give up.
It’s just not in me…to do anything but keep on going.
To live the life laid out before me. To the fullest.

2012: Unbelievable

In reflecting on 2012, I was trying to think of how to sum it up in one word.  The first word that came to mind was horrific. While Mike's death certainly took center stage this year, other things - good and bad - occurred, so horrific didn't quite capture everything. "Unbelievable" seemed most appropriate. The highlights and low-lights of 2012 are truly unbelievable.

Highlights

• Family trip to Thailand (February 11-25): After traveling 24 hours on an airplane, we arrived in Asia for quite an adventure. All of the colors, sounds, and smells were unbelievable. I have traveled a lot of places and have never been to a place like Thailand before. Riding elephants, playing with tigers, getting custom made clothes at the tailor and feeling like a celebrity, eating Thai food at literally every meal, visiting with my friend, Yada, visiting floating markets and floating down many rivers in wooden boats or bamboo rafts --- certainly a trip of a lifetime! 

• Visiting the Beckers (April 30): Spending the whole day with the Beckers in Lawrenceville, NJ before they moved to Washington, CT. I went to lunch with Age and then spent the whole day with William and Marilee at the playground and hanging out with them on campus. At the end of the day, we walked to school to pick up Penny and get hugs just before it was time for me to go home.

• Running outside in the middle of the workday to watch the space shuttle fly by. It was so cool to see the plane flying with the shuttle on it's "back". Unbelievable! (April 17)

• Redskins games especially Monday Night Football. RG3 is UNBELIEVABLE!

• A weekend in NYC with Kathryn. I am so grateful for our friendship. (April 22-24)

• University of Richmond Homecoming 2012. Thank you, Kristen Emerson. (Nov 3)

• Moving back into my condo: Renovating the kitchen and bathroom and getting a new bed were the best decisions I made this year. 

• Summer Olympics in London.  I am an Olympic junkie. My favorite sports were gymnastics (Go Gabby Douglas) and swimming (supposedly Michael Phelps last Olympics)

Low-lights:

• April 3, 2012: My best friend left the world forever. It is still hard to believe and to wrap my mind around. It will probably always seem strange. I will miss you and love you forever, Dude.

• August 14, 2012: My godmother, Linda, went to heaven.

• October 12, 2012: Surgery #17 to remove a screw in my foot. It ended up being easier than expected, though.

• Having to sue LSAC twice

 Reasons to celebrate my friends

• Jason and Angela Ritter, May 11, 2012
• Seth Caplan and Melissa Whitlock, September 2, 2012
• Jen and Chris Hansen, December 22, 2012
• Andy and Yada's engagement
• Dr. Alyssa Dunn published a book
• Kathryn and Tyler Grassmeyer are expecting a baby girl in January 2013
• Sean and Amanda Casey are expecting Baby Casey in February 2013
• Jason and Angela Ritter are expecting a baby girl in May 2013.
• Erin and Tom Buller are expecting a baby girl in June 2013. Great news especially after Noah joined Mike in heaven earlier this year.

Lessons Learned

• You are stronger than you think.
• Your friends truly do love you.
• God is there.
• Never give up no matter how hard it gets.
• Wine is wonderful.

I am definitely ready to say "good riddance" to this unbelievable year. I'm praying that 2013 is full of blessing, hope, and joy.

Easy Button, Please.

Dear God,

All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life.  I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.

Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.

Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.

I never expected to have two surgeries within a year.  I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.

Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar.  They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school.  All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.

This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.

So tired.

Please help me.

Love, Jess

Hallelujah

I made it through the test. I survived. It went just as any practice test. This could be concerning because as I mentioned before my processing disability hinders me from completing half the test. So, I bubble and I try my best. That's what I did. That's all I could do. Trying has got to be worth a little something. At least I gave it a shot. If it is in God's plan for me to get into law school, I sure will. If not, I will adjust. I worked hard, I tried, and oddly enough, I have a strange peace about it. I'm not sure if that's me being in total denial or completely relieved that I finally got to put all of that hard work "to the test" no matter the outcome. Regardless, I am done.

Hallelujah!

After the test, I met up with my friend, Charlie, for a singing of Handel's Messiah. I was thrilled when he invited me because I love that piece and had not sung it since college. Well, let's just say, my rustiness definitely showed. Neither one of us had cash so we were not able to purchase a Messiah songbook. That left us to fend for ourselves when it came to audience participation during the chorus. If you are familiar with Handel's Messiah, you know that the "chorus" is not a repeated refrain. It is different after every song. Every time it was "showtime" for us, Charlie and I fumbled through the words. Even when we finally borrowed someone's songbook, we still struggled. It was rather comical really. We got progressively better as the piece started to come to an end. We had that Hallelujah Chorus down, but nobody will be calling us to join The Metropolitan Chorus anytime soon! As Charlie said, "It was a challenge. Good things come from challenges." Again, we did the best we could and had a grand time laughing at ourselves and our singing follies!

Yes, good things do come from challenges. This seems to be the motto for the day. 

However, at the end of the day, I have a wonderful family, faithful friends, and a God who loves me with a plan that is better than I'd ever imagine!

Hallelujah!