I had trouble writing this post. At first, I was just going to list my life goals. The list includes, going to law school, having a happy and lifelong marriage, mothering children, making a difference in the world, being an inspiration to someone….
Then I realized some of these are completely out of my control. I want to make goals that I know are achievable. Consequently, my life goals are to be content in my circumstances and to trust God.
I have learned over the last year that life can change in an instant. I have learned that you can go from contentment to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. I have learned to appreciate the little things in life. I have learned that sometimes you can do your best and still feel like you’ve failed. I have learned that I am not in control.
This past year has been full of sadness and struggle. Not just with the death of my very best friend, but with my parents’ health issues, and my ongoing law school saga. I’d think my life would make a pretty good soap opera these days. Just when things start to look up, something else happens and I just can’t seem to get ahead. It’s been rough. It’s been devastating. It’s been full of grief. It’s been ever changing. But, the one constant is that
God has been present amidst it all.
I never want to forget that.
I haven’t been happy. I am ready to let this grief and happiness co-mingle. I am ready for bright, sunny days – literally and figuratively. I also haven’t trusted God the way I should. I have been angry at Him. Frustrated. Sad. Confused. Worried. But He is still there.
So, my life goal is to be content and to trust in Him. I have a lot of work to do in this area, but that’s OK. I am not expected to be there right now. That’s why it is called a goal and not an accomplishment.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
It's Just Not In Me
After the man I loved deeply, my best friend, dies by suicide
The amount of strength it takes to keep going is incomprehensible.
The amount of pain, heartache, devastation, confusion, and overall feeling of fear and failure is indescribable.
How am I ever supposed to move forward and what on earth does that even mean?
It’s just not in me.
After I embark on a “new” path to go to law school, spend thousands of dollars on tutoring because I have always been told I am “a bad test taker” and want to put myself in the best position to nail the LSAT.
After I bomb practice test after practice test and then proceed to spend hundreds of dollars to have educational testing only to discover I have actually had a learning disability my entire life. One extremely common in people with my physical disability.
How was this not discovered before the age of 30?
It’s just not in me.
After LSAC denies me the accommodations I need to be successful on the LSAT….twice.
And I bomb it. For real.
How will I ever get into law school?
It’s just not in me.
After talking to my top choice law school and being given the name of a disability attorney to work with in an attempt to get my accommodation denial reversed.
After spending even more money and time to prepare case after case for LSAC and for my prospective law schools.
After learning that Department of Justice has a class action lawsuit against LSAC addressing their repeated denial of accommodations. And then learning this will not help me right now because the suit will likely end up at the Supreme Court and will take years to be resolved.
How will I ever get these accommodations to get a decent score?
It’s just not in me.
After receiving rejection letter after rejection letter.
After being waitlisted at my top choice law school; communicating with them on a regular basis and being told that they are impressed with how I am handling this extremely unfavorable LSAC/LSAT situation.
Will this ever work out? Will I be able to fulfill a dream that I have put on hold for far too long?
It’s just not in me.
After my dad, my hero, was rushed to the hospital, and spent the night in the cardiac unit. After being told he will be having heart surgery soon.
Will he be okay?
It’s just not in me.
It’s just not in me….to give up.
It’s just not in me…to do anything but keep on going.
To live the life laid out before me. To the fullest.
The amount of strength it takes to keep going is incomprehensible.
The amount of pain, heartache, devastation, confusion, and overall feeling of fear and failure is indescribable.
How am I ever supposed to move forward and what on earth does that even mean?
It’s just not in me.
After I embark on a “new” path to go to law school, spend thousands of dollars on tutoring because I have always been told I am “a bad test taker” and want to put myself in the best position to nail the LSAT.
After I bomb practice test after practice test and then proceed to spend hundreds of dollars to have educational testing only to discover I have actually had a learning disability my entire life. One extremely common in people with my physical disability.
How was this not discovered before the age of 30?
It’s just not in me.
After LSAC denies me the accommodations I need to be successful on the LSAT….twice.
And I bomb it. For real.
How will I ever get into law school?
It’s just not in me.
After talking to my top choice law school and being given the name of a disability attorney to work with in an attempt to get my accommodation denial reversed.
After spending even more money and time to prepare case after case for LSAC and for my prospective law schools.
After learning that Department of Justice has a class action lawsuit against LSAC addressing their repeated denial of accommodations. And then learning this will not help me right now because the suit will likely end up at the Supreme Court and will take years to be resolved.
How will I ever get these accommodations to get a decent score?
It’s just not in me.
After receiving rejection letter after rejection letter.
After being waitlisted at my top choice law school; communicating with them on a regular basis and being told that they are impressed with how I am handling this extremely unfavorable LSAC/LSAT situation.
Will this ever work out? Will I be able to fulfill a dream that I have put on hold for far too long?
It’s just not in me.
After my dad, my hero, was rushed to the hospital, and spent the night in the cardiac unit. After being told he will be having heart surgery soon.
Will he be okay?
It’s just not in me.
It’s just not in me….to give up.
It’s just not in me…to do anything but keep on going.
To live the life laid out before me. To the fullest.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I Have A Dream
My dad tells fascinating stories about growing up as a black man in the South during the peak of segregation. He has story after story of being discriminated against, being relegated to the "colored" water fountain, outhouse bathroom, or dark, back door entrance to the movie theater. His father, my grandfather who I never had the opportunity to meet, owned a construction business in North Carolina. My grandmother and grandfather were both college educated. My dad is college educated and his nine brothers and sisters are as well. Even with these privileges, my dad actively experienced segregation.
He recalls listening to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech on the Mall so many years ago. Inauguration Day is a day to set aside political bias, to celebrate democracy and freedom in America. It is a day to be proud to be an American. We don't have royalty in this country, but the pomp and circumstance that exists in the ceremonial transition or reinstatement of power is something to be cherished, something to be reflected upon. While President Obama does not necessarily refer to himself as the "first African-American/Black President" as most of us who are bi-racial do not identify with one race over the other, I did find it fitting that his inauguration took place on the federal holiday that celebrates a man who worked so hard to break down the racial boundaries and to allow all of those who have a dream to fulfill it. I can't help but think that Dr. King was smiling down from heaven as he watched the events that unfolded in my hometown. I can't help but think that Dr. King was proud knowing his efforts were surely not in vain.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, but have I ever shared my dream with you? Since I have been a little girl I have dreamed of being the First Lady of the United States. My former boss always gets upset with me when I say this because she feels that I have the capability to be President. I don't dispute that I could hold the highest office in the nation, but I don't want to. I would much rather be First Lady.
If I ever do claim this title, I'm certain I'd be compared to Michelle Obama. That's OK with me. As President Obama said at the Commander in Chief Ball, "Some may dispute the quality of the President, but nobody disputes the quality of the First Lady." We share the same birthday and both have chiseled arms. I love that she is a very active First Lady (not just in the health sense of the word) and an engaging speaker. (She spoke at my MBA graduation) I also like that she blends affordable clothing with a few couture pieces. Unfortunately, her "affordable" threads are starting to be outside my reach. JCrew jacks up the prices every time she makes them famous and hefty price tags are attached to those clothes these days. Ease up JCrew and be thankful for the increased sales. Regardless of politics, she is a strong woman and "Mom in Chief". I wouldn't seek the comparison, but you know how the media is, it would surely be highlighted. I'd have big shoes to fill.
The Obamas' dreams have come true. Dr. King's dream has come/is coming to fruition. I, too, have a dream. But, First Lady of the United States or not, I sure hope my husband loves me as much as President Obama appears to love his wife. I have a dream to be someone's First (and only!) Lady.
I'll keep you posted.....
This is the White House made out of Legos. Dude put this together before he died. I will keep this as a remembrance of him, my dream, and the city/hometown I love. SHHHH don't tell my future husband about my dream to be First Lady!! That's way too much pressure on a man!! If it happens, awesome. If not, life will still be pretty sweet!!
He recalls listening to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech on the Mall so many years ago. Inauguration Day is a day to set aside political bias, to celebrate democracy and freedom in America. It is a day to be proud to be an American. We don't have royalty in this country, but the pomp and circumstance that exists in the ceremonial transition or reinstatement of power is something to be cherished, something to be reflected upon. While President Obama does not necessarily refer to himself as the "first African-American/Black President" as most of us who are bi-racial do not identify with one race over the other, I did find it fitting that his inauguration took place on the federal holiday that celebrates a man who worked so hard to break down the racial boundaries and to allow all of those who have a dream to fulfill it. I can't help but think that Dr. King was smiling down from heaven as he watched the events that unfolded in my hometown. I can't help but think that Dr. King was proud knowing his efforts were surely not in vain.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream, but have I ever shared my dream with you? Since I have been a little girl I have dreamed of being the First Lady of the United States. My former boss always gets upset with me when I say this because she feels that I have the capability to be President. I don't dispute that I could hold the highest office in the nation, but I don't want to. I would much rather be First Lady.
If I ever do claim this title, I'm certain I'd be compared to Michelle Obama. That's OK with me. As President Obama said at the Commander in Chief Ball, "Some may dispute the quality of the President, but nobody disputes the quality of the First Lady." We share the same birthday and both have chiseled arms. I love that she is a very active First Lady (not just in the health sense of the word) and an engaging speaker. (She spoke at my MBA graduation) I also like that she blends affordable clothing with a few couture pieces. Unfortunately, her "affordable" threads are starting to be outside my reach. JCrew jacks up the prices every time she makes them famous and hefty price tags are attached to those clothes these days. Ease up JCrew and be thankful for the increased sales. Regardless of politics, she is a strong woman and "Mom in Chief". I wouldn't seek the comparison, but you know how the media is, it would surely be highlighted. I'd have big shoes to fill.
The Obamas' dreams have come true. Dr. King's dream has come/is coming to fruition. I, too, have a dream. But, First Lady of the United States or not, I sure hope my husband loves me as much as President Obama appears to love his wife. I have a dream to be someone's First (and only!) Lady.
I'll keep you posted.....
Monday, January 21, 2013
I'm Alive.....
Every January 17th, my parents recall the horrific day in 1982. We were sitting at my birthday dinner this year and my mom remarked how I entered the world fighting and have been fighting just as hard this year as I did when I was an infant. You see, the doctors did not expect me to live. On more than one occasion, they told my parents that "this was it." But each time, I pulled through and survived. Once they were confident I'd survive, the doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. Obviously, I proved them wrong. I've had to work really hard and I've had to fight, but I've done it. My mom was right to compare my initial days and years to this past year of my life. Ever since Dude died, I've been fighting. Fighting my grief. Fighting to keep going. Fighting to accept the fact that the hopes and dreams I had are not necessarily shattered but are different now. Fighting to adjust to this new normal. Fighting to get into law school. There have been days when I would just rather be where he is. Not because I want to die, I don't want to die, but because I miss him and want to be with him. There were days when I was sure I would die. I would never take my own life, but I was certain my heart would not withstand the pain. But just as God allowed me to fight and live when I was first born, He has done the same thing now. A huge part of me is gone. I am different because of what has happened to me. But, I am meant to be here. God has a plan for me and the plan does not involve meeting up with Dude anytime soon.
I am alive even though a part of me has died -- "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe.
I am now officially older than Dude. He never made it to age 31. I have, and although I did not want to celebrate my birthday, I decided that was not the right approach. Despite the fact that this past year has been saturated with sadness, every year of life God gives me is a gift. That's something to celebrate! So, I've had a few birthday celebrations. And, a lot of cake and ice cream!
{ If I can figure out how to use my new Adobe Photoshop, I'd upload the photos and show you. I will eventually, but for now, I want to be sure to document all of my thoughts and feelings}
The birthday wishes and joy that surrounded me this weekend reminded me that yes, a part of me has died --- but part of me is still here, too. And, I am supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to live when I was born at 26 weeks, but I did. God has something special for me. I don't know what His plan is for me. I thought I knew, but the world as I knew it blew wide open on April 3, 2012. Dude left, but I'm still here. As I blew out my trick candles on my birthday cake, I made wish after wish each time that flame reignited. I don't know if the wishes I made will come true. I certainly hope they do. But, I do know that God has a plan. And it is good. It is better than I can imagine.
I'm alive even though a part of me has died
Take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide
"The Hurt and the Healer" MercyMe.
I am alive even though a part of me has died -- "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe.
I am now officially older than Dude. He never made it to age 31. I have, and although I did not want to celebrate my birthday, I decided that was not the right approach. Despite the fact that this past year has been saturated with sadness, every year of life God gives me is a gift. That's something to celebrate! So, I've had a few birthday celebrations. And, a lot of cake and ice cream!
{ If I can figure out how to use my new Adobe Photoshop, I'd upload the photos and show you. I will eventually, but for now, I want to be sure to document all of my thoughts and feelings}
The birthday wishes and joy that surrounded me this weekend reminded me that yes, a part of me has died --- but part of me is still here, too. And, I am supposed to be here. I wasn't supposed to live when I was born at 26 weeks, but I did. God has something special for me. I don't know what His plan is for me. I thought I knew, but the world as I knew it blew wide open on April 3, 2012. Dude left, but I'm still here. As I blew out my trick candles on my birthday cake, I made wish after wish each time that flame reignited. I don't know if the wishes I made will come true. I certainly hope they do. But, I do know that God has a plan. And it is good. It is better than I can imagine.
I'm alive even though a part of me has died
Take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide
"The Hurt and the Healer" MercyMe.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
30 in 30
Thirty lessons I've learned in my first 30 years....
1. Believe. In God. In yourself. In others.
2. Develop relationships with people who can give you nothing in return. You will learn a lot from them.
3. Don't live to work. Work to live.
4. You are smart and well educated. Use your brain. Education opens doors.
5. Don't waste opportunities because you're afraid of where they might take you.
6. You can never love a person too much as long as they love you back.
7. There will be people you love or want to be friends with who don't feel the same way for whatever reason. There is a reason even if you don't know what it is. Focus your energy on people who care.
8. Never give up. Ever.
9. There will be hard and dark times in your life. The sorrow makes the joy that much sweeter.
10. A drunk girl is not classy.
11. Diamonds can be worn anytime, anywhere - even in the gym.
12. Say no to drugs - illegal, always; prescription unless absolutely necessary.
13. Coffee is gross but is sometimes your best friend.
14. You should probably try to quit drinking Diet Coke.
15. Be kind and slow to anger. Everyone has something that could bring them to their knees at anytime.
16. Dogs enrich your life in so many ways.
17. Patience may not be your strength but don't use that as an excuse. Be patient with those around you and those you love.
18. Using your credit card for everything allows you to take awesome trips! Rack up those miles!
19. God does answer prayers just not always in the way you expect or want.
20. It is never okay to show your butt crack in public. Ever.
21. Sing, smile, laugh and pray in all circumstances.
22. Always be there for your friends and family even if it seems exhausting and impossible. It will be worth it in the end.
23. Remember the sacrifices your parents have made for you. Be grateful.
24. Do something that scares you. It will either be a growth experience or a good story.
25. Effective communication is one of the most important skills you can learn.
26. Travel. The world does not revolve around you.
27. Just because you don't want to be a stay at home mom doesn't mean you will be a bad mom. Your kids can learn a lot from watching you develop your career as long as you don't put the career in front of your family.
28. Sports make your life a lot of fun! Being a Redskins fan is a lesson in loyalty.
29. Your health is critically important. Go to the doctor and the dentist, even though you hate the dentist. Work out, too!
30. Eat cake for breakfast on your birthday. It's just fun!
1. Believe. In God. In yourself. In others.
2. Develop relationships with people who can give you nothing in return. You will learn a lot from them.
3. Don't live to work. Work to live.
4. You are smart and well educated. Use your brain. Education opens doors.
5. Don't waste opportunities because you're afraid of where they might take you.
6. You can never love a person too much as long as they love you back.
7. There will be people you love or want to be friends with who don't feel the same way for whatever reason. There is a reason even if you don't know what it is. Focus your energy on people who care.
8. Never give up. Ever.
9. There will be hard and dark times in your life. The sorrow makes the joy that much sweeter.
10. A drunk girl is not classy.
11. Diamonds can be worn anytime, anywhere - even in the gym.
12. Say no to drugs - illegal, always; prescription unless absolutely necessary.
13. Coffee is gross but is sometimes your best friend.
14. You should probably try to quit drinking Diet Coke.
15. Be kind and slow to anger. Everyone has something that could bring them to their knees at anytime.
16. Dogs enrich your life in so many ways.
17. Patience may not be your strength but don't use that as an excuse. Be patient with those around you and those you love.
18. Using your credit card for everything allows you to take awesome trips! Rack up those miles!
19. God does answer prayers just not always in the way you expect or want.
20. It is never okay to show your butt crack in public. Ever.
21. Sing, smile, laugh and pray in all circumstances.
22. Always be there for your friends and family even if it seems exhausting and impossible. It will be worth it in the end.
23. Remember the sacrifices your parents have made for you. Be grateful.
24. Do something that scares you. It will either be a growth experience or a good story.
25. Effective communication is one of the most important skills you can learn.
26. Travel. The world does not revolve around you.
27. Just because you don't want to be a stay at home mom doesn't mean you will be a bad mom. Your kids can learn a lot from watching you develop your career as long as you don't put the career in front of your family.
28. Sports make your life a lot of fun! Being a Redskins fan is a lesson in loyalty.
29. Your health is critically important. Go to the doctor and the dentist, even though you hate the dentist. Work out, too!
30. Eat cake for breakfast on your birthday. It's just fun!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Thoughts about my upcoming birthday
The truth is I haven’t given it any thought. Typically, starting January 1, I start proclaiming with great excitement that my birthday is coming up soon. At least one month before that, I begin putting a plan together for a celebration, numerous celebrations. Not this year. I forgot my birthday is fast approaching until after wishing someone else happy birthday, they replied , “Happy early birthday to you, too!” “Oh yeah, my birthday is coming up, isn’t it? I totally forgot about that!” I think I forgot on purpose. I don’t want to remember that I am approaching another year in my life without what I would consider God’s greatest gifts.
When I was younger I used to tell people that I would be married by age 25 and I’d certainly have kids by age 30. I think I started telling people this when I was six years old. The proclamation came at such an early age because I experienced my first wedding at age six and I was a junior bridesmaid. Over the last 25 years, I have been to countless other weddings and my first one is still in the running for the best one I’ve ever attended! I wanted the love and the wedding that they had and I told everyone I was going to have exactly that just like they did, at age 25. When 25 passed, I bumped the age up five years to 30. That seemed realistic. After all, my friends were achieving that “goal” so why couldn’t I? The year I turned 30 is now dubbed the worst year of my life. Most people talk about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. Well...... In my case, he’s dead. He died the year I turned 30. The year I was certain I would achieve that “goal”.
Now, I am about to turn 31. Still no husband. No prospects. No kids. Not even a dog. (And, no, I can’t just go get a dog. I need help taking care of a dog) Sure, I’ve been blessed. I have an amazing condo and am very successful. I’m not ashamed to admit that. My success and singleness have afforded me opportunities to travel and to chase after dreams that I might have otherwise had to give up. But, the thing is I would be willing to give them up. I would give anything to be a wife and a mother. Heck, if I had to wait longer for the kids and it was just me, Hubs and the dog that would be such a blessing. But, no, I guess it is not my turn yet.
I try my best to support my friends in all of their celebrations. Sometimes I go a little overboard for them because I know that as they celebrate their engagements, weddings, and new babies, this is such a special time in their lives and I want to do my part to make it so. Showers, baby and bridal, are never easy for me. I feel like I am sitting there staring at the person repeatedly unwrap reminders of things I don’t have. Facebook makes it hard, too, with photos of happiness strewn all over the page. One glaring reminder after another of things I want so badly yet don’t have. Reminders that I feel left out. I feel selfish even writing this because I am truly happy for my friends. I would never express my sadness during their big moments because it is not about me. These are times in their lives that deserve to be shouted from the rooftops and celebrated to the max. And, I don’t blame them for doing just that. I absolutely wouldn't miss their celebrations!
But, I want my own celebration, too. I want to find my teammate, my champion and raise a family with him.
This is a new year and I can’t just sit here and whine about feeling left out. I have to do something about it. One friend said to me, “If I had as much money as you do, I’d sign up for every dating site possible.” I tried not to get too offended. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I want to. I have spent hours in years past pouring through online dating profiles and reaching out, only to be rejected. I once worked with a dating coach who was excited about three prospects for me. The excitement was fleeting because she found out they were unwilling to date to someone with a disability. There went that. Do you know how happy I would be if I didn’t have to spend hours on the computer during the day, then hours on the computer at night just trying to find a date? Do you know how blessed I would feel if I was introduced to my husband the traditional way? I know my struggles are not unique, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.
I have much to look forward to in 2013. A couple new babies, a wedding in London, and some trips with friends are already on the books. But, I’d really like a reason to celebrate something more than my birthday. Next birthday, I’d like to be able to say I am well on my way to having one of God greatest gifts, my husband. I guess I’ll have to wait and see what God has in store. In the meantime, I should probably do a little something to celebrate thirty-one (oh.my.goodness.). Maybe I'll just have a cupcake, a glass of wine, and call it a day. A birthday.
When I was younger I used to tell people that I would be married by age 25 and I’d certainly have kids by age 30. I think I started telling people this when I was six years old. The proclamation came at such an early age because I experienced my first wedding at age six and I was a junior bridesmaid. Over the last 25 years, I have been to countless other weddings and my first one is still in the running for the best one I’ve ever attended! I wanted the love and the wedding that they had and I told everyone I was going to have exactly that just like they did, at age 25. When 25 passed, I bumped the age up five years to 30. That seemed realistic. After all, my friends were achieving that “goal” so why couldn’t I? The year I turned 30 is now dubbed the worst year of my life. Most people talk about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. Well...... In my case, he’s dead. He died the year I turned 30. The year I was certain I would achieve that “goal”.
Now, I am about to turn 31. Still no husband. No prospects. No kids. Not even a dog. (And, no, I can’t just go get a dog. I need help taking care of a dog) Sure, I’ve been blessed. I have an amazing condo and am very successful. I’m not ashamed to admit that. My success and singleness have afforded me opportunities to travel and to chase after dreams that I might have otherwise had to give up. But, the thing is I would be willing to give them up. I would give anything to be a wife and a mother. Heck, if I had to wait longer for the kids and it was just me, Hubs and the dog that would be such a blessing. But, no, I guess it is not my turn yet.
I try my best to support my friends in all of their celebrations. Sometimes I go a little overboard for them because I know that as they celebrate their engagements, weddings, and new babies, this is such a special time in their lives and I want to do my part to make it so. Showers, baby and bridal, are never easy for me. I feel like I am sitting there staring at the person repeatedly unwrap reminders of things I don’t have. Facebook makes it hard, too, with photos of happiness strewn all over the page. One glaring reminder after another of things I want so badly yet don’t have. Reminders that I feel left out. I feel selfish even writing this because I am truly happy for my friends. I would never express my sadness during their big moments because it is not about me. These are times in their lives that deserve to be shouted from the rooftops and celebrated to the max. And, I don’t blame them for doing just that. I absolutely wouldn't miss their celebrations!
But, I want my own celebration, too. I want to find my teammate, my champion and raise a family with him.
This is a new year and I can’t just sit here and whine about feeling left out. I have to do something about it. One friend said to me, “If I had as much money as you do, I’d sign up for every dating site possible.” I tried not to get too offended. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I want to. I have spent hours in years past pouring through online dating profiles and reaching out, only to be rejected. I once worked with a dating coach who was excited about three prospects for me. The excitement was fleeting because she found out they were unwilling to date to someone with a disability. There went that. Do you know how happy I would be if I didn’t have to spend hours on the computer during the day, then hours on the computer at night just trying to find a date? Do you know how blessed I would feel if I was introduced to my husband the traditional way? I know my struggles are not unique, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.
I have much to look forward to in 2013. A couple new babies, a wedding in London, and some trips with friends are already on the books. But, I’d really like a reason to celebrate something more than my birthday. Next birthday, I’d like to be able to say I am well on my way to having one of God greatest gifts, my husband. I guess I’ll have to wait and see what God has in store. In the meantime, I should probably do a little something to celebrate thirty-one (oh.my.goodness.). Maybe I'll just have a cupcake, a glass of wine, and call it a day. A birthday.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The Rear View Mirror
Happy New Year? The question mark is intentional.
New Year’s Eve is a bit of an illusion. I heard people say (myself included) “I can’t wait for this year to be over!!" or “I don’t want to let this year go it’s been so good”. It’s as if the stroke of midnight erases the year left behind and you are given a brand new start. Somehow, I naively thought when the calendar turned, my new start began and all of the pain and struggle of the last year was behind me.
I woke up on January 1, 2013 and didn’t feel new. I wasn’t all that happy either. I still have a bunch of stuff hanging over my head from 2012. It’s nobody’s fault. It just is. There are things yet to be done; decisions yet to be made. The new start that everyone says arrives with a new year didn’t come without some strings from my past.
We had dinner with some good family friends last night. They encouraged me to not look back and just move forward. On one hand, this is good advice. On the other hand, it is somewhat dangerous.
Imagine driving without your rear view mirror. At times, it is extremely important to be able to see what is behind you. There are things in my past that could sneak up on me and kick me in the butt at any time. If I am not able to glance at them from time to time, this could cause a dangerous collision. The loss of Mike will be with me forever. Will it always be a huge, gaping hole? No. Dealing with it is easier than it was 9 months ago and I will continue to learn to live with the loss, but he will always be missing from my life from now on. Mike would not want me to get stuck in the past. Before he died, he told me he wanted me to move forward. I am and I will continue to do so, but there are lessons to be learned from the past that are important to carry with me as I move along.
One important lesson is to realize that everyone is fighting a hard battle. Many people were completely puzzled by Mike’s death because he was one of happiest, kindest people they’d ever met. This is true, but underneath it all, he was suffering immensely. Having been through this experience, I’ve learned to be more compassionate and kind to those around me. You only see what people are willing to show you and one act of kindness could make a huge difference to someone. Unfortunately, in Mike’s case, one more act of kindness did not save him, but it might save someone else.
I’ve also learned to count my blessings and appreciate even the smallest things. Life can change in an instant. When life does get turned upside down I know I have incredible support. I’ve been reminded that God is near to the brokenhearted, He is an ever present help and strength in times of trouble, He is unchanging, and gives peace that is beyond worldly understanding. I’ve lost some friendships along this journey, but many have been renewed and strengthened beyond belief. Of course, I want to look back and remember all of these things.
What was meant by the advice I received was that you can’t change the past so accept it and move forward. Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned from 2012 is that I am not able to control everything. Pretty much everything that happened this past year was completely out of my control. Let me tell you, that is a harsh and humbling lesson to learn - especially when it involves losing someone you deeply love. I don't believe Mike's death occurred so I could learn the lesson. Absolutely not. But, I learned it nonetheless. Let go, and let God.
My 2013 is not a completely clean slate because some events of 2012 follow me into the new year. There are still things left to complete (like my law school applications which are allllmost done). I’ll continue to move forward, but am giving myself permission to glance in the rear view mirror every once and awhile. It’s necessary for safe “driving”. But, as I embark on the road laid out before me for 2013, Pintrest assisted me with some words to live by:
“Be a lamp or a lifeboat or a ladder”.
So many people have been that to me over the past year; it’s time for me to return the favor.
New Year’s Eve is a bit of an illusion. I heard people say (myself included) “I can’t wait for this year to be over!!" or “I don’t want to let this year go it’s been so good”. It’s as if the stroke of midnight erases the year left behind and you are given a brand new start. Somehow, I naively thought when the calendar turned, my new start began and all of the pain and struggle of the last year was behind me.
I woke up on January 1, 2013 and didn’t feel new. I wasn’t all that happy either. I still have a bunch of stuff hanging over my head from 2012. It’s nobody’s fault. It just is. There are things yet to be done; decisions yet to be made. The new start that everyone says arrives with a new year didn’t come without some strings from my past.
We had dinner with some good family friends last night. They encouraged me to not look back and just move forward. On one hand, this is good advice. On the other hand, it is somewhat dangerous.
Imagine driving without your rear view mirror. At times, it is extremely important to be able to see what is behind you. There are things in my past that could sneak up on me and kick me in the butt at any time. If I am not able to glance at them from time to time, this could cause a dangerous collision. The loss of Mike will be with me forever. Will it always be a huge, gaping hole? No. Dealing with it is easier than it was 9 months ago and I will continue to learn to live with the loss, but he will always be missing from my life from now on. Mike would not want me to get stuck in the past. Before he died, he told me he wanted me to move forward. I am and I will continue to do so, but there are lessons to be learned from the past that are important to carry with me as I move along.
One important lesson is to realize that everyone is fighting a hard battle. Many people were completely puzzled by Mike’s death because he was one of happiest, kindest people they’d ever met. This is true, but underneath it all, he was suffering immensely. Having been through this experience, I’ve learned to be more compassionate and kind to those around me. You only see what people are willing to show you and one act of kindness could make a huge difference to someone. Unfortunately, in Mike’s case, one more act of kindness did not save him, but it might save someone else.
I’ve also learned to count my blessings and appreciate even the smallest things. Life can change in an instant. When life does get turned upside down I know I have incredible support. I’ve been reminded that God is near to the brokenhearted, He is an ever present help and strength in times of trouble, He is unchanging, and gives peace that is beyond worldly understanding. I’ve lost some friendships along this journey, but many have been renewed and strengthened beyond belief. Of course, I want to look back and remember all of these things.
What was meant by the advice I received was that you can’t change the past so accept it and move forward. Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned from 2012 is that I am not able to control everything. Pretty much everything that happened this past year was completely out of my control. Let me tell you, that is a harsh and humbling lesson to learn - especially when it involves losing someone you deeply love. I don't believe Mike's death occurred so I could learn the lesson. Absolutely not. But, I learned it nonetheless. Let go, and let God.
My 2013 is not a completely clean slate because some events of 2012 follow me into the new year. There are still things left to complete (like my law school applications which are allllmost done). I’ll continue to move forward, but am giving myself permission to glance in the rear view mirror every once and awhile. It’s necessary for safe “driving”. But, as I embark on the road laid out before me for 2013, Pintrest assisted me with some words to live by:
“Be a lamp or a lifeboat or a ladder”.
So many people have been that to me over the past year; it’s time for me to return the favor.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
In 2013, I wanna...
I hate making New Year resolutions, but for some reason, I feel compelled to do so every year. I love to make lists, but never go back and look at them. I’m not one for structure. I like to think I am, but in reality, why should one feel the need to stick to a list? Live a little!
Despite my natural tendencies, maybe if I make a list and put it in cyberspace someone will hold me accountable and ask me how I am doing on my resolutions? People joke that nothing’s official until it’s on Facebook. Well, I won’t stick to this list unless it’s on my blog. So, here goes.
In 2013, I wanna –
* Find a way to curb my sweet tooth. It is out of control. Maybe I should start by quitting cake. Thank goodness Mike’s mom is a certified diabetes educator, but I am hoping I never have to use her services. On second thought, maybe I should enlist her now for some prevention techniques.
* Take off all of the weight I’ve gained thanks to grief indulgences and incredible stress. Twenty pounds has to be gone by April. And, no, that is not extreme weight loss. I was 20lbs lighter 4 years ago before a 3 week trip to Italy, numerous weddings, and my obsession with cake.
* Start a foundation and/or something extraordinary in memory of Dude. We had been working on one together but it didn’t too far off the ground. So, I’m revitalizing my desire. Not sure what it will be yet, but he deserves something extraordinary so whatever comes together will be exactly that.
* Take more risks
* Find a church home
* Make 3 new friends
I'll report back, but feel free to hold me accountable.
Despite my natural tendencies, maybe if I make a list and put it in cyberspace someone will hold me accountable and ask me how I am doing on my resolutions? People joke that nothing’s official until it’s on Facebook. Well, I won’t stick to this list unless it’s on my blog. So, here goes.
In 2013, I wanna –
* Find a way to curb my sweet tooth. It is out of control. Maybe I should start by quitting cake. Thank goodness Mike’s mom is a certified diabetes educator, but I am hoping I never have to use her services. On second thought, maybe I should enlist her now for some prevention techniques.
* Take off all of the weight I’ve gained thanks to grief indulgences and incredible stress. Twenty pounds has to be gone by April. And, no, that is not extreme weight loss. I was 20lbs lighter 4 years ago before a 3 week trip to Italy, numerous weddings, and my obsession with cake.
* Start a foundation and/or something extraordinary in memory of Dude. We had been working on one together but it didn’t too far off the ground. So, I’m revitalizing my desire. Not sure what it will be yet, but he deserves something extraordinary so whatever comes together will be exactly that.
* Take more risks
* Find a church home
* Make 3 new friends
I'll report back, but feel free to hold me accountable.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Life Lessons from the Redskins
The city of Washington, DC and the surrounding metropolitan area are electric today! We’ve been rocking since our big win over Dallas last night!! This was HUGE! Not only did we beat our arch-rival in a do or die game, we became NFC East Champions and secured a spot in the playoffs! We haven’t had such success since 1999. The year may turn to 2013 tomorrow, but for now, we are partying like it’s 1999!!
I am very tired today. As Faith Hill sings, “I waited all day for Sunday night”. Sunday, I was anxious, excited, and nervous for this big game. It was as if I was awaiting the arrival of my first child. I watched Chicago beat Detroit and got nervous. Then I watched Minnesota beat the Packers and said “Well, it wouldn’t have mattered if Detroit beat Chicago. We still have to win this game!” I tore off the tags of my new RG III jersey and settled in to watch the big showdown. I cheered so loud that I am positive Dude could hear me all the way up in heaven! I was nervous and excited the whole time. I stayed up for every minute of the game and watched all of the postgame coverage before finally drifting off to sleep around 1:30am. Filled with excitement and a heart full of joy, I slept in my jersey. Four hours later, I was back up at 5:30am for work.
You might remember this post. I was frustrated because when the Redskins drafted RG III the city was full of hope and expectation. Then at the beginning of November, we were 3-6 with a coach who had seemingly given up and dashed playoffs hopes. Just two months later, we are in the playoffs for the first time in 5 years and NFC East Champions for the first time in 13 years! During all of the postgame coverage, Shanahan’s comments and our dismal record came up again and again. Each player interviewed was asked the same two questions: what changed and how did you do it? Over and over, they repeated the same message: we took it one game at a time and believed in ourselves. We prepared and came out to play. It was patience and belief in themselves that moved them forward.
From the day Dude died, I’ve been encouraged to take it one day at a time. I’ve explained how difficult this is for me. I like to think months even years ahead, but grief has not allowed me to do that. Grief has forced me to take it one day at a time. When I suspend the belief that it is annoying to be forced to live this way and I just embrace the fact that all I am guaranteed is today, I live more freely and with more appreciation. I am not always good at remembering this, but Mike’s mom is a champ at reminding me of it.
“One day at a time”, she says. “Just one day at a time."
The Redskins took it one game at a time and currently have a seven game winning streak!
Grief can also steal your self esteem. Not only did I lose my very best friend, I lost my biggest fan. For the last eight months, another repetitive message to me has been
“Yes, this is a huge loss, but your life is not over. You are still here, still young, and have a lot to offer”.
At first, this message just bounced off of me and was almost paralyzing. How was I supposed to move forward? How would I ever adjust to this? How would I ever explain this to someone else? Some people said to not bring it up. I can’t do that. Dude was such a huge part of me and this experience is now a part of who I am that to not explain it to the right person at the right time would be a denial of half my life and a huge part of myself. I trust God to bring me the right person at the right time. However, I will not get there if I don’t believe that I can. The Redskins played injured, beat up, and when everyone counted them out. If they’d given in to those feelings and had given up, we wouldn’t be celebrating today. But they believed and we cheer like maniacs!! I may have lost my biggest cheerleader on earth, but I know he is cheering me on from above. I also have lots of fans still with me, too. Now, I just have to continue to work on believing in myself and things will turn around.
One of the rookie quarterbacks will probably win “Rookie of the Year”, but honestly, Alfred Morris should be a contender. He was a 6th round draft pick with very low expectations and has been explosive on our offense! When thinking about the LSAT and law school I feel like Alfred Morris. I am pretty sure my LSAT score is not going to be good. I might end up being a school’s “6th round pick”. If someone is willing to give me a chance, I am confident I will be a firecracker and excel.
Tomorrow the calendar turns to a new year. I entered 2012 with much hope and anticipation. It turned out to be the worst year of my life. I enter 2013 just as I felt all day yesterday – nervous, excited, scared, and anxious. The good news is I have survived the worst year of my life. The events of this year have instilled a physical, emotional and spiritual work ethic in me. If I carry that work ethic into 2013, focusing on “one day at a time”, believing in myself, and trusting God, I think I’ll be OK. I hope I can go from surviving to thriving, but at the very least, I know I can survive.
Hail to 2013!
and
HAIL TO THE REDSKINS, HAIL VICTORY!!
I am very tired today. As Faith Hill sings, “I waited all day for Sunday night”. Sunday, I was anxious, excited, and nervous for this big game. It was as if I was awaiting the arrival of my first child. I watched Chicago beat Detroit and got nervous. Then I watched Minnesota beat the Packers and said “Well, it wouldn’t have mattered if Detroit beat Chicago. We still have to win this game!” I tore off the tags of my new RG III jersey and settled in to watch the big showdown. I cheered so loud that I am positive Dude could hear me all the way up in heaven! I was nervous and excited the whole time. I stayed up for every minute of the game and watched all of the postgame coverage before finally drifting off to sleep around 1:30am. Filled with excitement and a heart full of joy, I slept in my jersey. Four hours later, I was back up at 5:30am for work.
You might remember this post. I was frustrated because when the Redskins drafted RG III the city was full of hope and expectation. Then at the beginning of November, we were 3-6 with a coach who had seemingly given up and dashed playoffs hopes. Just two months later, we are in the playoffs for the first time in 5 years and NFC East Champions for the first time in 13 years! During all of the postgame coverage, Shanahan’s comments and our dismal record came up again and again. Each player interviewed was asked the same two questions: what changed and how did you do it? Over and over, they repeated the same message: we took it one game at a time and believed in ourselves. We prepared and came out to play. It was patience and belief in themselves that moved them forward.
From the day Dude died, I’ve been encouraged to take it one day at a time. I’ve explained how difficult this is for me. I like to think months even years ahead, but grief has not allowed me to do that. Grief has forced me to take it one day at a time. When I suspend the belief that it is annoying to be forced to live this way and I just embrace the fact that all I am guaranteed is today, I live more freely and with more appreciation. I am not always good at remembering this, but Mike’s mom is a champ at reminding me of it.
“One day at a time”, she says. “Just one day at a time."
The Redskins took it one game at a time and currently have a seven game winning streak!
Grief can also steal your self esteem. Not only did I lose my very best friend, I lost my biggest fan. For the last eight months, another repetitive message to me has been
“Yes, this is a huge loss, but your life is not over. You are still here, still young, and have a lot to offer”.
At first, this message just bounced off of me and was almost paralyzing. How was I supposed to move forward? How would I ever adjust to this? How would I ever explain this to someone else? Some people said to not bring it up. I can’t do that. Dude was such a huge part of me and this experience is now a part of who I am that to not explain it to the right person at the right time would be a denial of half my life and a huge part of myself. I trust God to bring me the right person at the right time. However, I will not get there if I don’t believe that I can. The Redskins played injured, beat up, and when everyone counted them out. If they’d given in to those feelings and had given up, we wouldn’t be celebrating today. But they believed and we cheer like maniacs!! I may have lost my biggest cheerleader on earth, but I know he is cheering me on from above. I also have lots of fans still with me, too. Now, I just have to continue to work on believing in myself and things will turn around.
One of the rookie quarterbacks will probably win “Rookie of the Year”, but honestly, Alfred Morris should be a contender. He was a 6th round draft pick with very low expectations and has been explosive on our offense! When thinking about the LSAT and law school I feel like Alfred Morris. I am pretty sure my LSAT score is not going to be good. I might end up being a school’s “6th round pick”. If someone is willing to give me a chance, I am confident I will be a firecracker and excel.
Tomorrow the calendar turns to a new year. I entered 2012 with much hope and anticipation. It turned out to be the worst year of my life. I enter 2013 just as I felt all day yesterday – nervous, excited, scared, and anxious. The good news is I have survived the worst year of my life. The events of this year have instilled a physical, emotional and spiritual work ethic in me. If I carry that work ethic into 2013, focusing on “one day at a time”, believing in myself, and trusting God, I think I’ll be OK. I hope I can go from surviving to thriving, but at the very least, I know I can survive.
Hail to 2013!
and
HAIL TO THE REDSKINS, HAIL VICTORY!!
Friday, December 21, 2012
Easy Button, Please.
Dear God,
All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life. I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.
Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.
Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.
I never expected to have two surgeries within a year. I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.
Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar. They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school. All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.
This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.
So tired.
Please help me.
Love, Jess
All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life. I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.
Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.
Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.
I never expected to have two surgeries within a year. I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.
Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar. They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school. All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.
This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.
So tired.
Please help me.
Love, Jess
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The Dissonance of the Season
Last night, a couple college friends and I were catching up on the phone. One was Mike’s college roommate and the other was a mutual friend of ours. One had been particularly close to Mike, and the other, while not as close, enjoyed his company and has been affected by his death. We’ve all been pretty good about keeping up with each other in the wake of this tragedy. Well, I probably should say they’ve been excellent at checking in on me and I reciprocate when I can.
Both conversations covered a number of topics - jobs, future educational endeavors, plans for a ski trip, our annual reunion, dog therapy school, and eventually, we got around to the topic of Christmas. Conversations about Christmas consumed the majority of minutes on the phone – decorating the tree, baking delicious and unique cookies, where the actual holiday will be spent. After that banter, we arrived at what, perhaps, used to be the pivotal question: “What do you want for Christmas?” We all independently answered by saying, “I don’t really know. I didn’t really ask for anything this year.”
When my mom asked me to make my list I responded with ambivalence. This year, the material gifts don’t matter. On one hand, my college friends and I are blessed with great jobs and don’t really need anything. On the other hand, we’ve been hit with two tragedies in the last eight months – someone close to us took his own life and another friend lost her 11 month old son in a tragic accident. Many tears have been shed and our grief has bonded us even more than before. We’ve also rejoiced over an engagement, a marriage, a book publishing, and two itsy bitsy Spiders who will make their world debuts next year! Together, this year, we have known deep sorrow and experienced great joy!
Our excitement for this season has been tainted with sadness. A dissonance exists as joy clangs up against grief. Somehow I thought this was contained within our bonds of friendship and was dictated by our circumstances until I received an email from a friend this afternoon. In the email she writes,
"… I'm struck by the discord between the minor key of O Come O Come Emmanuel and the jolly tunes playing as I type this in my local coffee shop. In the past, I've resisted this dissonance, but this year it somehow seems appropriate to me. Advent is all about what theologians call the "already and the not yet." Jesus has already come, and Jesus has not yet come again. The same is true in my life--I can turn to the past and tell story after story of the ways in which Jesus has come in, but I look to the future with hope that I will know more and more of his gracious, patient, and truthful presence. So there is the joy of what has already happened, and the deep longing for what someday will be."
This struck a chord with me and prompted me to write this post. I wouldn’t say that there is joy in the deaths we have experienced this year. Rather, there is joy in the time that we got to spend with those we’ve lost and in the memories that we keep in our hearts. There is joy as our bonds of friendship are strengthened. There is joy in anticipating the arrivals of babies and impending nuptials. There is hope and peace in the prayers that we pray for one another.
Speaking for myself (and hopefully my friends, too), I can say amidst the sadness, there is hope. At the end of 2011, I looked to 2012 with such anticipation and happiness. It turns out this year has been the worst year of my life! Thankfully, Jesus has gone before me, has met me in these times and is preparing me for the hope and joy of the future – “the already and the not yet”.
Christmas feels different this year. I thought it was solely because someone so dear is missing. That’s not entirely the case. This year, our focus has been taken away from the number of presents under the tree. This year, I/we are experiencing the true meaning of Christmas.
Both conversations covered a number of topics - jobs, future educational endeavors, plans for a ski trip, our annual reunion, dog therapy school, and eventually, we got around to the topic of Christmas. Conversations about Christmas consumed the majority of minutes on the phone – decorating the tree, baking delicious and unique cookies, where the actual holiday will be spent. After that banter, we arrived at what, perhaps, used to be the pivotal question: “What do you want for Christmas?” We all independently answered by saying, “I don’t really know. I didn’t really ask for anything this year.”
When my mom asked me to make my list I responded with ambivalence. This year, the material gifts don’t matter. On one hand, my college friends and I are blessed with great jobs and don’t really need anything. On the other hand, we’ve been hit with two tragedies in the last eight months – someone close to us took his own life and another friend lost her 11 month old son in a tragic accident. Many tears have been shed and our grief has bonded us even more than before. We’ve also rejoiced over an engagement, a marriage, a book publishing, and two itsy bitsy Spiders who will make their world debuts next year! Together, this year, we have known deep sorrow and experienced great joy!
Our excitement for this season has been tainted with sadness. A dissonance exists as joy clangs up against grief. Somehow I thought this was contained within our bonds of friendship and was dictated by our circumstances until I received an email from a friend this afternoon. In the email she writes,
"… I'm struck by the discord between the minor key of O Come O Come Emmanuel and the jolly tunes playing as I type this in my local coffee shop. In the past, I've resisted this dissonance, but this year it somehow seems appropriate to me. Advent is all about what theologians call the "already and the not yet." Jesus has already come, and Jesus has not yet come again. The same is true in my life--I can turn to the past and tell story after story of the ways in which Jesus has come in, but I look to the future with hope that I will know more and more of his gracious, patient, and truthful presence. So there is the joy of what has already happened, and the deep longing for what someday will be."
-- Amy Julia Becker
This struck a chord with me and prompted me to write this post. I wouldn’t say that there is joy in the deaths we have experienced this year. Rather, there is joy in the time that we got to spend with those we’ve lost and in the memories that we keep in our hearts. There is joy as our bonds of friendship are strengthened. There is joy in anticipating the arrivals of babies and impending nuptials. There is hope and peace in the prayers that we pray for one another.
Speaking for myself (and hopefully my friends, too), I can say amidst the sadness, there is hope. At the end of 2011, I looked to 2012 with such anticipation and happiness. It turns out this year has been the worst year of my life! Thankfully, Jesus has gone before me, has met me in these times and is preparing me for the hope and joy of the future – “the already and the not yet”.
Christmas feels different this year. I thought it was solely because someone so dear is missing. That’s not entirely the case. This year, our focus has been taken away from the number of presents under the tree. This year, I/we are experiencing the true meaning of Christmas.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
How will this be?
This is a season of preparation. The obvious preparations include getting ready for Christmas - putting up the tree and other decorations, making a list and checking it twice, buying the presents, wrapping the presents, attending parties and giving and receiving gifts. All of that is fun and can be stressful. While all of these preparations seem important and necessary they are not of the utmost importance. Amidst all of the busyness of Christmas, we celebrate the season of Advent. In Advent, we prepare for the arrival of Jesus – for the word made flesh, for a baby born of a virgin to bring the good news!
When an angel told Mary she would give birth to the Son of God she was confused. A virgin giving birth to a baby?! “How will this be?, she asked. A mix of doubt, wonder, and curiosity existed within her question. I have been much like Mary over the last eight months.
On April 3, 2012, my world as I’d known it for nearly half my life shattered! Life went way off script. I thought I knew how life would be. While my stable ground started to get a little shaky in the months prior to Dude’s death, I never expected the ground to crack as it did. On that horrific day, it was as if a bomb went off and blew everything wide open! All that was left behind was a mess – broken dreams, shattered hopes, a broken heart.
I’ve spent the last eight months picking up the pieces. As I collect the pieces I realize that they will never fit together as they did before Dude died. There will always be a crack because one of the most important people in my life is no longer present on this earth. I’ve also realized that just because the puzzle is different than it was before does not mean life will not be beautiful. Light is able to shine through the cracks.
What I don’t know is what the new puzzle will look like. I greet the future with a mix of hope and fear. If someone told me last year that I would have been studying for the LSAT and preparing to go to law school, I would have laughed out loud in their face! Seriously. Sure, going to law school has always been a dream of mine, but I’d pushed it away so many times, it seemed like it would only be a dream. At this point, maybe it will remain a dream, but I’ve taken steps to make it a reality. God is at work on a plan new to me for my life. He is preparing me for something great. As He is at work, I ask a lot of questions about my “new normal”.
How will this be?
When an angel told Mary she would give birth to the Son of God she was confused. A virgin giving birth to a baby?! “How will this be?, she asked. A mix of doubt, wonder, and curiosity existed within her question. I have been much like Mary over the last eight months.
On April 3, 2012, my world as I’d known it for nearly half my life shattered! Life went way off script. I thought I knew how life would be. While my stable ground started to get a little shaky in the months prior to Dude’s death, I never expected the ground to crack as it did. On that horrific day, it was as if a bomb went off and blew everything wide open! All that was left behind was a mess – broken dreams, shattered hopes, a broken heart.
I’ve spent the last eight months picking up the pieces. As I collect the pieces I realize that they will never fit together as they did before Dude died. There will always be a crack because one of the most important people in my life is no longer present on this earth. I’ve also realized that just because the puzzle is different than it was before does not mean life will not be beautiful. Light is able to shine through the cracks.
What I don’t know is what the new puzzle will look like. I greet the future with a mix of hope and fear. If someone told me last year that I would have been studying for the LSAT and preparing to go to law school, I would have laughed out loud in their face! Seriously. Sure, going to law school has always been a dream of mine, but I’d pushed it away so many times, it seemed like it would only be a dream. At this point, maybe it will remain a dream, but I’ve taken steps to make it a reality. God is at work on a plan new to me for my life. He is preparing me for something great. As He is at work, I ask a lot of questions about my “new normal”.
How will this be?
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.
O Little Town of Bethlehem
O Little Town of Bethlehem
Sunday, December 2, 2012
A Special Place
My dad and I have a tradition. I am not quite sure when it started, but it's been going strong for many years now. What is it, you ask? When my mom is out of town he and I have a daddy-daughter date at Fuddruckers. Initially, we picked the place because we both like it and my mom prefers to pass it by. Yeah, I'm not sure what's wrong with her either. So, when she's away, we always plan at least one meal there. She has been in Charlotte this week, so dad and I snagged some time to go today.
I was so excited as we approached the place. You can smell all of the goodness as soon as you walk through the door. We have it all worked out. I like the kid's meal, but if I walked up and ordered it they would laugh in my face! I look younger than 30, I know, but not young enough to get the kid's meal without being questioned or flat out denied -- at least I hope not! As soon as we walk through the door, we split. Dad heads to place the order and I scurry to find a table. My order is the same every time. A kid's meal hamburger, fries and a chocolate shake. It's the perfect size and I get a little bit of everything for $5! Oh, and how can I forget the free cookie! Normally, I forfeit my cookie to my dad because the shake is enough sugar for me, but if I decide to overindulge, then it's a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie to boot!
As I write this post, I'm a little sad. Sad because my meal is over. I don't put anything on the hamburger. It is simply wonderful just as it is. Five Guys is the big and famous hamburger chain around here. I always have to doll up a Five Guys burger. Fosters, Elevation Burger, too. Nothing holds a candle to Fuddrucker's. Those buttery buns that hold the beef patty, man they are terrible for me, but oh so good! And, the fries! No need to dunk those babies in ketchup. They are seasoned perfectly, so why mess with perfection?
I reserve Fuddrucker's for only the most special men in my life. Dad and I go there at least once a year. Dude and I have been there, too.
I've decided that when I get married I am going to request that hubs and I go there for Valentine's Day. I don't believe in spending a lot of money on that "holiday", but it is nice to do a little something fun and special. It's a pain to go out to dinner, though, because the restaurants are packed and the prices are jacked way up! Not at Fuddrucker's. The buns....the fries....the shakes....Spend $5 dollars on a kid's meal for me and he will see my face light up as if he just gave me diamonds! Ok, not quite, but pretty close!
So, if you hear about me and a man going to Fuddrucker's, you know he must be someone special. That may just be the key to my heart.
Don't worry, though, I won't turn down the diamonds!
I was so excited as we approached the place. You can smell all of the goodness as soon as you walk through the door. We have it all worked out. I like the kid's meal, but if I walked up and ordered it they would laugh in my face! I look younger than 30, I know, but not young enough to get the kid's meal without being questioned or flat out denied -- at least I hope not! As soon as we walk through the door, we split. Dad heads to place the order and I scurry to find a table. My order is the same every time. A kid's meal hamburger, fries and a chocolate shake. It's the perfect size and I get a little bit of everything for $5! Oh, and how can I forget the free cookie! Normally, I forfeit my cookie to my dad because the shake is enough sugar for me, but if I decide to overindulge, then it's a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie to boot!
As I write this post, I'm a little sad. Sad because my meal is over. I don't put anything on the hamburger. It is simply wonderful just as it is. Five Guys is the big and famous hamburger chain around here. I always have to doll up a Five Guys burger. Fosters, Elevation Burger, too. Nothing holds a candle to Fuddrucker's. Those buttery buns that hold the beef patty, man they are terrible for me, but oh so good! And, the fries! No need to dunk those babies in ketchup. They are seasoned perfectly, so why mess with perfection?
I reserve Fuddrucker's for only the most special men in my life. Dad and I go there at least once a year. Dude and I have been there, too.
So, if you hear about me and a man going to Fuddrucker's, you know he must be someone special. That may just be the key to my heart.
Don't worry, though, I won't turn down the diamonds!
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