That Moment

They said it would happen, but I couldn't believe them.  The pain consumed me and grief fogged my thoughts.  Death seemed to be right around the corner.  There was simply no way I would survive such a profound loss.

Suicide shatters.

My life and the person I was before Dude's death lay in a million pieces on the floor. There would be no way to rebuild without cracks in this new puzzle.  The new puzzle otherwise known as my life after Dude's death.

At first, it took every breath I had to make it through the day.  The excruciating pain harbored in my heart made me question how many breaths I had left.  People I would now consider my dearest friends rushed to my side.  They wanted to help.  I wanted them there too, but could not articulate the help I needed.  A hug. The freedom to cry. Food I may or may not be able to eat. I begged people -  please, PLEASE do not tell me to be happy or to remember the good times.  Remembering Dude loved me was hard enough.  Now was the time to feel however I wanted to feel, and I hated that I felt like I had to ask permission to express my feelings.  I gravitated towards those who gave me a pass to be who I needed to be no matter how ugly that looked. 

Why was I still here? Why did he leave me behind? What was my purpose? What are my dreams? You have to ask those questions because asking why Dude took his own life or what more I could have done to prevent this is a vicious cycle.  I never believed this could be a reality, but he did.  He took care of me despite his own pain.  I did everything I could to help him and show him how much I loved him.  He was thankful and I'm thankful, too. 

Suicide shatters but God redeems.

God put the right people by my side and in my life.  He awakened a dream I had put to bed many years ago.  He opened my eyes to the small things that bring beauty to life. The last two years have not been without struggle.  Who sues LSAC before going to law school? I do.  Who got rejected from every law school to which she applied?  I did.  But none of that was as bad as Dude's death.  And my support structure remained in tact. Dude had given up (or rather, decided to end the pain).  I couldn't.  I wouldn't.  I had to press on.

My friend has whisked me away to NYC for some fun.  Another planned some wonderful weekends in Texas.  My parents and I have been able to travel.  I thank God every day for my newest mentor and our strong bond.  My acceptance and scholarships to law school. The overwhelming response to Dude's fundraising campaign.  Mary and her wisdom. These blessings and many more are not lost on me.

Every day I think about Dude. This experience is life changing and will not go away.  But... slowly but surely joy mixes in with the pain. They said it would happen, but I couldn't believe them.

I can smile without tears in my eyes (most of the time).  I can laugh without feeling guilty.  I can remember Dude saying he wanted all my dreams to come true and I can chase after those dreams no matter how crazy others think I am.  I can remember that he loved me, love him, and still more forward. 

They said it would happen.  I couldn't believe them. But, they were right.  That moment you realize you are embracing your new life is SWEET.

In a month, I will embark on a new adventure.  One that Dude went on before me.  I could have never predicted my life would be like this.  The last two years have been horrific yet redeeming. 

I'm nervous and scared and excited for what's to come.  But I know God is picking up those pieces and building a new life for me. There will be cracks - but those cracks. They leave room for the love and light of God and Dude to shine through. 

Learning to Dance with the Limp

I am finally feeling the deep grief start to dissipate.  This year kicked off with a lovely invitation from my neighbor who invited me to her annual New Year’s Eve party.  I knew I wouldn’t know many people there, but was thrilled to have been thought of and was excited to go.  Last year, I would have immediately declined the invitation because I couldn’t handle the fact that I was in an unfamiliar situation.  It would have taken far too much energy to fake having a good time.  And, yes, I would have faked it because legitimately celebrating a new year was not possible.  This year, I tried on four different outfits before deciding on the perfect one and happily joined in on the festivities.  Almost everyone I talked to I had just met and the conversation did not feel exhausting as it had in the past.  This party was a big step for me and I knew if I had a good time then 2014 would start off on the right foot!

Just two and a half weeks after that I flew to Texas to celebrate my birthday with my dear friends.  Normally I go to Texas in the summer, but it was Carmen’s idea that I come for my birthday this year and what a brilliant idea that was!  I don’t worry about anything with these friends.  I can completely be myself, whatever that looks like.  Last year, I went to visit, and Carmen and Jason had so many fun things planned.  The Houston Rodeo topped the list!  I cherished every minute with them and appreciated all that they had done for me, but it felt difficult to truly enjoy it all.  I was grateful to be there, but I was anxious. I was sad.  But I was trying.  This year it was a true gift to be able to celebrate – to celebrate my birthday, to celebrate our friendship, and to celebrate the ability to feel joy and recognize it as such.  As Carmen noted, last year I was not myself, I wasn’t all there, but this year, I’m back! I boarded the plane back to DC thanking God for a heartfelt and joyous weekend with such dear friends in which I was able to fully participate.  I’ll post a separate blog on all that I did to usher in 32.

I’m also pretty excited about my upcoming ski trip, some fun weekends ahead, and my family vacation to the Caribbean.  Our trip, of course, purposefully corresponds with the anniversary of Dude’s death, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to enjoy some fun in the sun and sand with a drink in my hand.  It lessens the pain just a little.  Grief counselors told me there would come a time where I could mix joy with pain.  I looked at them like there were nuts and believed that might be the case for other people, but certainly not for me.  Now I see it.  There are still days or moments when I slammed with pain, but I can now recognize and appreciate happy times, too.

Ann Lamott sums it up perfectly:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.  But this is also the good news.  They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up.  And you come through.  It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
 

For me, 2014 is the year to learn to dance with the limp.

What I've Learned From Tragic and Profound Loss

When Dude first died, I thought I'd be in relentless pain forever.  I couldn't imagine living again.  People told me time would not ever take away the pain, but would ease it.  That was hard to believe, but now a little over a year and a half later, I see what they meant.  Time does help.  Through doing my grief work I have learned some other things, too...

1.    God is there even when He seems absent.  Wrestle with Him.  He can take it and you will learn more about yourself and your faith from doing so.

2.    You cannot help yourself alone.  Ask for and accept help provided to you.  Some people will be there for you; some will walk away from you.  Both are okay.

3.    It is okay, and sometimes necessary, to say no

4.    Joy without guilt will eventually creep back into your life.  By moving forward, you are honoring your loved one, not forgetting about them.

5.    Deep grief makes you more thankful – for the little things, for every day, for what you still have

6.    People will encourage you to be happy.  That's mostly because they are uncomfortable with you being sad.  Feel however you need to feel whenever you need to feel it.  Experiencing a wide range of emotions is an important part of the "process".

7. A grieving process?!  That's baloney!

8.    Follow your dreams! Life is too short to wait for a better day.  A better day may not come, so just do it now.

“Grief goes with you every day, whatever you’re doing, when there’s great moments, when there’s hard moments…[but]There’s an empowerment that comes with grief.  At some point, you find it.  It’s very hard, but you will find it.  I think at a certain point you can choose to sort of fall from this or you can choose to rise.  And that’s what I am just trying to do…I know that’s what he would have wanted, to just do my best and hopefully make something positive from where I go in the rest of my life.”

– Lea Michelle (couldn’t have said it better) 

A Prayer for Relief

I've been rather absent from my blog for the last couple months.  That's mostly because I have been trying to stay away from the computer and enjoy the sunshine, time with family and friends, the pool, everything summer has to offer.  I've been trying to look at the lighter side of life even though I feel like life is heavy.

If you didn't know, I am currently in a law suit with LSAC.  That's all I'll say about that because my attorney would probably scold me for discussing the details.  I received the formal complaint that was filed in court the other day and began to read through it.  I got to one point and burst out laughing.  The section where my specific requests are listed is called "Prayer for Relief".

Prayer for Relief, I thought.  Yeah, that sounds about right.  I am in need of a prayer for relief.  

I don't like to whine, but I've had a heavy load lately  Just when I think I'm ahead, I get knocked back a little bit.  I'm not sure why I've had to experience any of the pain of the last year and a half.  Maybe one day I will know.  I might never know.  I have to be OK with it either way.  And, I am thankful for the little ways God shows me that despite all of this, He is still there...

I'm burning the candle at both ends these days.  Dealing with LSAC is a struggle, but if a blind student didn't get accommodations for the LSAT, why should I?!?!?!  Fundraising for Mike's scholarship is hard work.  It's rewarding and he deserves it.  But, it's hard work -- and at times, it just knocks me for a loop.  I can't believe I have a reason to actually do this.  But he deserves it, so I press on.  The weight of grief is not as heavy as it used to be, but it's there.  Moving forward from such a tragedy takes work, too.

God and I need to talk. Two things Dude's family and I have said even since his death are:  God is good - all.the.time & happiness is just around the corner.  I see glimpses, but.... 

 I need a prayer for relief in more than just the legal sense.

Day 13: My Life Goals

I had trouble writing this post.  At first, I was just going to list my life goals.  The list includes, going to law school, having a happy and lifelong marriage, mothering children, making a difference in the world, being an inspiration to someone….
Then I realized some of these are completely out of my control. I want to make goals that I know are achievable.  Consequently, my life goals are to be content in my circumstances and to trust God.

I have learned over the last year that life can change in an instant.  I have learned that you can go from contentment to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds.  I have learned to appreciate the little things in life.  I have learned that sometimes you can do your best and still feel like you’ve failed. I have learned that I am not in control.

This past year has been full of sadness and struggle.  Not just with the death of my very best friend, but with my parents’ health issues, and my ongoing law school saga.  I’d think my life would make a pretty good soap opera these days.  Just when things start to look up, something else happens and I just can’t seem to get ahead.  It’s been rough.  It’s been devastating.  It’s been full of grief.  It’s been ever changing.  But, the one constant is that

God has been present amidst it all.

I never want to forget that.

I haven’t been happy.  I am ready to let this grief and happiness co-mingle.  I am ready for bright, sunny days – literally and figuratively.  I also haven’t trusted God the way I should.  I have been angry at Him.  Frustrated.  Sad.  Confused. Worried.  But He is still there.

So, my life goal is to be content and to trust in Him.  I have a lot of work to do in this area, but that’s OK.  I am not expected to be there right now.  That’s why it is called a goal and not an accomplishment.

Day 12: I believe

I believe....

• Life is too short and fragile not to laugh and smile every day regardless of the circumstances.

• You should always eat cake on your birthday.  Eat it for breakfast.  Make it a la mode.  However, whenever.  Just do it.

• Using a water bottle or hairbrush as a microphone makes you sound better when singing.      

• Dessert should be eaten at least once a week

•  The beach calms the soul

• Dogs are often the best medicine

• God answers prayers

• In miracles

• Wine and cupcakes make almost anything better

• In treating everyone the way you want to be treated regardless of whether or not they can do anything for you.

• Drinking water while working makes you more effective (this is a little quirk of mine).

• You can never say “I love you” too many times to those who love you back.

• You can learn a great deal from those who are different than you.

• Traveling is not only fun, it is necessary for growth.

• Jesus is the son of God

• In myself

Day 10: My Biggest Fear

I always try to be as authentic as possible on this blog.  When you have a disability, you get lots of stares and assumptions from people, so I’ve sort of learned not to pay attention to what other people think about me.  With that said, though, I am human, and it does bother me to some degree.  I am, in no way, completely immune to being affected by what others think of me. I preface that because I am sure some people are going to think my biggest fear is silly, but I’m just keepin’ it real on here.

My biggest fear is never getting married.  I should clarify that to say not being in a happy marriage.  I get proposals from homeless men on the street all the time.  I am sure if I didn’t have high standards and wanted to settle, I could, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to be married for the sake of being married.  I don’t want to be married because it is what I am supposed to do in life.  I want to be married because I want to share that deep love and bond with another person.  Life is meant to be lived and shared and we are meant to be with another.  I want to raise a family.  I want to be my husband’s biggest fan.  I want to love and support him and his family.  I want to experience all of the peaks and valleys with the love of my life, my teammate.   I know what it is like to have a deep connection and unbreakable bond with another person.  I want that again – and then some more.  Like a few kiddos and a dog, too.  It’s my biggest fear because it is somewhat out of my control.  If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it is that God is in control and I am not.  That sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget when times are good.  When deep sorrow and heartache enter the scene, the loss of control stares you dead in the face.  I can certainly do things to help myself find the person I am going to marry, but ultimately, God is the best one to pick out my husband.

I wholeheartedly believe I will be married one day.  But, what if I am wrong?  I don’t want to be wrong.  I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to settle for fear of being alone.  I hope and pray that God brings my husband – and soon. 

I look at my friends’ lives and feel so far behind sometimes.  I know it is not all a bowl of cherries for them.  In some cases, I see couples and think I do not want that.  But, what I do want is a loving, lifelong relationship with the one God created for me.

I pray that is what God wants for me, too. 

All The Single Ladies

I should be ashamed of myself!

Hi Single Ladies,

How you doin’?  If you are anything like me, you are doing your best to be content with your single girl status, but if you are really honest with yourself, you are flat out tired of it!

You have thrown numerous bridal and baby showers and wonder when it will be your turn to be showered. 

You have 10 less than flattering colored dresses hanging in your closet and long to say yes to that white dress!! 

As a side note, does anyone else have a thing about wearing a dress you wore as a bridesmaid to another wedding?  I will NOT do it.  I think it is because I feel like I will look like bridesmaid because well, the last time I wore this dress I was one.  Maybe it’s just me and maybe I am being silly because not all of my bridesmaid dresses have been ugly less than flattering, but everyone has quirks and that’s just one of mine. 

If you are like me, you have had some disastrous dates.  Married people try to encourage you and tell you that dating is fun.  You kindly remind them that dating IS fun when you meet the right person.  They’ve forgotten that part because they have been blessed to be with the right person for a long time. The free dinners, the “good stories that come from the disastrous dates” are not worth it.  The movie “27 dresses” is not all that funny because you feel like you are watching your life play out on the silver screen.
 (It does have a good ending, but still….)

If you are anything like me, you subconsciously observe your married friends’ relationships a lot.  You learn from them.  You might come home and cry your eyes out because you WANT THAT!  You also might see others and think if that is what my life would be like, I’d rather be single.  But, the truth is, you don’t want to be single!!

You want to find your husband, your teammate for life (as I like to refer to him).
 

Dating seems way more complicated than it used to be.  You’re not looking for a “morally causal” relationship.  You want one with Christ in the center; one on solid ground that will withstand the storms of life. 

You want a man that “will like it and put TWO rings on it!”

Today, I was reading this blog and found this.  Jenna is doing an online seminar about dating with intention.  I’ve been out of the dating world for awhile to focus on myself and deal with everything that has happened to me over the last year, but I have to get back in the game.  I don’t want to end up an old maid!!! 

I firmly believe that if God places a desire in your heart, He will fulfill that promise.  I deeply desire to be married with a family.   I was really excited to learn that Jenna is doing this and signed up right away!  It’s on April 22 from 9-10pm EST.  Jenna is talking about dating from a Christian perspective, so if you prefer to be “morally casual” this probably isn’t for you. 

If you are looking for that lifelong commitment with the teammate God’s made for you, sign up!  Spots are limited, so hurry up and do it!  If you do sign up, let me know in the comments.  Maybe we can discuss it afterwards.  All of my friends are married, so I am always looking to meet more awesome single gals….and guys (but this one is just for the ladies!)     

My first VICTORY!!

Responding to the Storms of Life

Ever feel like you are exactly where you need to be?  I rarely feel that way these days, but sitting in church on Sunday, I knew I was supposed to be there, at that specific church, to hear that particular message.  My dad and I were hesitant to go to church on Sunday because we were tired.  I reasoned that we hadn't been there for two weeks because we were in Aruba and we should suck up our sleepiness and go.  So we did.  When we got there, it turns out it was the 210th anniversary of the church and there was going to be a celebration.  Awesome. They are going to take a walk down memory lane and we aren't going to be able to relate to any of this because we've just started going to this church.  We could have slept in, I thought.  Boy, was I wrong!  They did take a little walk down memory lane, but the pastor discussed the storms in life and touched on the storms the church has gone through in its 210 year history.

In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world 

John 16:33    

Ah, yes.  In this world, I will have trouble.  In this world, there will be storms.  How I know that so well.  If you've followed my blog for any amount of time recently, you will know that I've had a lot of trouble.  It might be easiest to break it out into three storms -- the death of my very best friend, my dad's unknown heart condition, and my struggles to get into law school.  The pastor addressed the congregation saying that you are either about to head into a storm, are in the middle of a storm, or are just coming out of a storm.  Uh huh.  Hopefully, we are just coming out of the storm related to my dad's health and I will know by the end of August about law school.  As for the storm of Dude's death, well, that will most likely be an ongoing storm -- not a full blown tornado, but the rain from that will periodically fall for the rest of my life.  Suicide survivors are ripped apart at the core of their very being, but at the same time, are united under a pain that is unlike any other.  It's something I will live with for the rest of my life, but I know that Dude did not realize the devastation and lifelong effects that would result from his decision.  He would want me to move forward and be happy, so I am committed to looking for the rainbows amidst the rain of this lifelong storm.  So, storms.  I know storms.  But what does all of this mean?

The pastor discussed two responses to the storms of life:  FEAR and FAITH.  F-E-A-R stands for "False Expectations Appearing Real" and F-A-I-T-H stands for "Forsaking all, I Trust Him."  Fear is a natural and self-preserving response.  I've written here about how grief can manifest itself into all encompassing fear.  But, as the deep grief dissipates little by little, you come to realize that you are still here -- and you are still here for a purpose.  What my "new life" will look like is totally terrifying at times, but that's when faith becomes the best response.

"Forsaking all" -- Before Dude's death, I held onto him tightly, and honestly, would not have forsaken him at any cost.  But, he ripped himself from me.  I have unwillingly given one of the most important people in the my life. With that, I have given up the life that was comfortable and familiar to me; the life I enjoyed even in the hard times.

Starting April 4, 2012, I began to live a new life -- a life completely unfamiliar and painful and full of fear; a life that did not involve Dude in the way I thought it would.  This "new life" has potentially set me on a path to law school.  That has not been a cake walk.  We'll see what happens with that.  And, to top it all off, this "new life" involved my Dad, my hero, being rushed to the hospital and undergoing heart surgery.  First, my best friend removes himself from my life forever. Then I encounter obstacles in a dream I have put off for too long.  And my dad, my hero, was almost taken from me....

So far, I am not a fan of this "new life".  It's confusing and frustrating and lacks some serious clarity.  However, it is in these times, when I/you truly do surrender all to God -- even if only because I/you just don't know what else to do. 

I am completely out of control.  He is in complete control.

Forsaking all, I trust Him. 

Trust me, and don't be afraid.  Many things feel out of control...Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.  Jesus Calling, April 15.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.  Isaiah 12:2

Easy Button, Please.

Dear God,

All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life.  I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.

Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.

Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.

I never expected to have two surgeries within a year.  I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.

Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar.  They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school.  All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.

This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.

So tired.

Please help me.

Love, Jess

A Different View of the Christmas Tree

Until this year, I’ve never given much thought to the symbolism of the Christmas tree. I just  assumed that it was a custom that started in Germany and caught on across the Atlantic Ocean. It’s bright and beautiful and the Christmas trees are a big deal in my parents’ house --- Such a big deal that each year decorating the trees causes angst and makes me wonder if my parents are going to get divorced at the start of the season. Mom likes thousands of lights and tons of ornaments. Dad doesn’t “fluff” correctly and breaks at least one ornament each year. The advent of the already lit Christmas tree ushered in a little less stress, but the amount of lights that come on the tree is still not enough for Mom. There is nothing to prevent Dad from breaking an ornament so angst still exists. This year I was able to stay in my condo during the time all of the decorating went on at 302 Cambridge. This year I had my own Christmas tree. This year I was removed from the angst and pushed towards reflection.  

One of my favorite things to do this time of year is to sit by the Christmas tree. It is the centerpiece of the room. It’s tall and strong and green – the color of new life. It is bright and beautiful, peaceful and joyous. It radiates enough light to fill an otherwise dark room. Occasionally, I catch myself lost in the magic of the tree. I just sit there and stare in awe of its wonder.

A few carols I deem as favorites; a few I’d be happy to skip. The quiet and sort of repetitive tune of “O Christmas Tree” prompted me to skip it in years past. Its melody rang through the speakers the other day and I paused to listen carefully. For the first time, I was struck by the lyrics:

O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Thy leaves are so unchanging;


O Christmas Tree! 

O Christmas Tree!


Thy leaves are so unchanging;


Not only green when summer's here,


But also when 'tis cold and drear.


O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Thy leaves are so unchanging!



O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Much pleasure thou can'st give me;


O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Much pleasure thou can'st give me;


How often has the Christmas tree


Afforded me the greatest glee!


O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Much pleasure thou can'st give me.



O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Thy candles shine so brightly!


O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Thy candles shine so brightly!


From base to summit, gay and bright,


There's only splendor for the sight.


O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


Thy candles shine so brightly!



O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


How richly God has decked thee!


 O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


How richly God has decked thee!


Thou bidst us true and faithful be,


And trust in God unchangingly

.
O Christmas Tree! O Christmas Tree!


How richly God has decked thee! !"

“That’s Jesus!”, I loudly proclaimed (alone in my apartment). He is unchanging. He is the same in the good times and the bad. He is love. He is joy. He is the light in the darkness.

The recent tragedies at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT and in my own life make this image all the more powerful. Both tragedies are horrible, unspeakable even. My mom was an elementary school teacher. I can't imagine if that had happened at her school. I became a victim of gun violence when I was nine years old and my aunt was killed in a random drive by shooting. I know the heartbreak of losing someone you love so deeply, so suddenly. (Thankfully, I do not know what it is like to lose a child and hope I am forever spared from that pain). I grieve for my own loss and for the horrible loss in Connecticut. I mourn with the rest of the nation.  I have no idea why God did not stop these tragedies from happening. I ask that question on a daily basis. But, what I do know is that God is love and hope and strength and peace. He does not change. He is the light in the darkness.

On more than one occasion over the course of Friday and the days that have followed, I’ve heard “How sad that this happened so close to Christmas!” I agree. The children, families and town are supposed to be experiencing the joy and the magic of the season.  Evil crept in and stole that away from them. But, God overcomes evil. And, reminders of Christ (Christmas trees) are present within our homes and spread throughout the land. God's heart breaks, too, but He has welcomed those no longer here on earth. It may be hard to see, but God is with us in deep grief.

Even in the darkness, He shines the brightest light.

I will turn the darkness into light before them
    and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
    I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

I googled whether the Christmas tree was intended to be a symbol of Christ and there was a bunch of conflicting information. Since having my own realization about this, I will forever think of Christ when I look at the tree regardless of whether that was its intended meaning.

The Dissonance of the Season

Last night, a couple college friends and I were catching up on the phone. One was Mike’s college roommate and the other was a mutual friend of ours. One had been particularly close to Mike, and the other, while not as close, enjoyed his company and has been affected by his death.  We’ve all been pretty good about keeping up with each other in the wake of this tragedy. Well, I probably should say they’ve been excellent at checking in on me and I reciprocate when I can.

Both conversations covered a number of topics - jobs, future educational endeavors, plans for a ski trip, our annual reunion, dog therapy school, and eventually, we got around to the topic of Christmas. Conversations about Christmas consumed the majority of minutes on the phone – decorating the tree, baking delicious and unique cookies, where the actual holiday will be spent. After that banter, we arrived at what, perhaps, used to be the pivotal question: “What do you want for Christmas?” We all independently answered by saying, “I don’t really know. I didn’t really ask for anything this year.”

When my mom asked me to make my list I responded with ambivalence. This year, the material gifts don’t matter.  On one hand, my college friends and I are blessed with great jobs and don’t really need anything. On the other hand, we’ve been hit with two tragedies in the last eight months – someone close to us took his own life and another friend lost her 11 month old son in a tragic accident. Many tears have been shed and our grief has bonded us even more than before. We’ve also rejoiced over an engagement, a marriage, a book publishing, and two itsy bitsy Spiders who will make their world debuts next year! Together, this year, we have known deep sorrow and experienced great joy!

Our excitement for this season has been tainted with sadness. A dissonance exists as joy clangs up against grief.  Somehow I thought this was contained within our bonds of friendship and was dictated by our circumstances until I received an email from a friend this afternoon.  In the email she writes,

"… I'm struck by the discord between the minor key of O Come O Come Emmanuel and the jolly tunes playing as I type this in my local coffee shop. In the past, I've resisted this dissonance, but this year it somehow seems appropriate to me. Advent is all about what theologians call the "already and the not yet." Jesus has already come, and Jesus has not yet come again. The same is true in my life--I can turn to the past and tell story after story of the ways in which Jesus has come in, but I look to the future with hope that I will know more and more of his gracious, patient, and truthful presence. So there is the joy of what has already happened, and the deep longing for what someday will be." 

--  Amy Julia Becker

This struck a chord with me and prompted me to write this post. I wouldn’t say that there is joy in the deaths we have experienced this year. Rather, there is joy in the time that we got to spend with those we’ve lost and in the memories that we keep in our hearts. There is joy as our bonds of friendship are strengthened. There is joy in anticipating the arrivals of babies and impending nuptials. There is hope and peace in the prayers that we pray for one another.

Speaking for myself (and hopefully my friends, too), I can say amidst the sadness, there is hope. At the end of 2011, I looked to 2012 with such anticipation and happiness. It turns out this year has been the worst year of my life! Thankfully, Jesus has gone before me, has met me in these times and is preparing me for the hope and joy of the future – “the already and the not yet”.

Christmas feels different this year. I thought it was solely because someone so dear is missing. That’s not entirely the case. This year, our focus has been taken away from the number of presents under the tree. This year, I/we are experiencing the true meaning of Christmas.

How will this be?

This is a season of preparation. The obvious preparations include getting ready for Christmas - putting up the tree and other decorations, making a list and checking it twice, buying the presents, wrapping the presents, attending parties and giving and receiving gifts. All of that is fun and can be stressful. While all of these preparations seem important and necessary they are not of the utmost importance. Amidst all of the busyness of Christmas, we celebrate the season of Advent. In Advent, we prepare for the arrival of Jesus – for the word made flesh, for a baby born of a virgin to bring the good news!

When an angel told Mary she would give birth to the Son of God she was confused. A virgin giving birth to a baby?! “How will this be?, she asked. A mix of doubt, wonder, and curiosity existed within her question. I have been much like Mary over the last eight months.

On April 3, 2012, my world as I’d known it for nearly half my life shattered! Life went way off script. I thought I knew how life would be. While my stable ground started to get a little shaky in the months prior to Dude’s death, I never expected the ground to crack as it did. On that horrific day, it was as if a bomb went off and blew everything wide open! All that was left behind was a mess – broken dreams, shattered hopes, a broken heart.

I’ve spent the last eight months picking up the pieces. As I collect the pieces I realize that they will never fit together as they did before Dude died. There will always be a crack because one of the most important people in my life is no longer present on this earth. I’ve also realized that just because the puzzle is different than it was before does not mean life will not be beautiful. Light is able to shine through the cracks.

What I don’t know is what the new puzzle will look like. I greet the future with a mix of hope and fear. If someone told me last year that I would have been studying for the LSAT and preparing to go to law school, I would have laughed out loud in their face!  Seriously. Sure, going to law school has always been a dream of mine, but I’d pushed it away so many times, it seemed like it would only be a dream. At this point, maybe it will remain a dream, but I’ve taken steps to make it a reality. God is at work on a plan new to me for my life. He is preparing me for something great. As He is at work, I ask a lot of questions about my “new normal”.

How will this be?

The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.
O Little Town of Bethlehem

The Roller Coaster

We've hit the eight month mark since Dude took his own life and all of us close to him embarked on this grief journey. It's not a journey we ever expected to be on. Not one that we would ever choose. I can say there has been some intense pain, sorrow, anger, thankfulness, blessing and growth all mixed in these eight months. There have been some very dark times and some times when the light shines ever so brightly through the darkness. There are days when it is hard to believe it has been eight months already. Sometimes it feels like it has been a matter of weeks; others, it seems as if years have gone by!

A couple days ago when I started thinking about how I was feeling and what I wanted to capture at the eight month mark, I was excited to say that I finally felt like I was coming alive! And, I would still say that is true. I am starting to come alive and will write another blog post about how it really is true that joy can be mixed with sorrow, light does shine through the darkness, and moving forward with your life is the best way to honor your loved one. When I set out on this journey I heard all of those things, but didn't believe them. They just didn't seem possible - at least not for me. But, I've slowly come to see that they are possible and I am slowly experiencing this joy without guilt.

As I was watching Sunday football, my feelings started to change a little bit. Consequently, I felt I would be lying if I told you I was doing really, really well after 8 months. My feelings began to change when I heard the news of the Kansas City Chiefs player that shot his girlfriend and then took his own life in front of his coaches. Upon hearing the news, I remembered the intense pain that I have experienced and my heart breaks for those families. I know their pain and I never wanted anyone else to experience this pain. The news also made me thankful that nobody but Dude was hurt in his last act. He took his own life, but did not intentionally hurt anyone else.

Many people think suicide is a selfish act. I used to think that before I became a suicide survivor. Having seen the immense pain that Dude was in, I am convinced that he took his own life to end his own pain. I harken back to my own experience after surgery when I typically get this allergic reaction. The itching is so bad that it turns into pain. I start to go crazy and beg the nurses to do anything, anything to stop the pain! I imagine that my pain paled in comparison to his, but the desire to stop it was just the same. He was sick and believed the only way to end his pain was to end his life.  He also did not understand the amount of pain he would leave with those left behind. If he truly understood the magnitude of his decision, he would have never done what he did. He never wanted to hurt anyone.

I feel for the family and friends of the two victims. The pain is unimaginable, unspeakable, devastating and confusing. I remember the days when I was in pain so deep it was hard to see a way out. I watch his teammates moved by emotion and remember Dude's funeral and the days and weeks following when a bunch of grown men just crumbled into a puddle of tears. A sad sight. A sad sight, indeed.

Even though the recent events in Kansas city brought back a little of the initial pain, I was also able to go out and buy a Christmas tree and ornaments this weekend. I was able to do some Christmas shopping and to experience joy.  Joy without guilt, which is huge! The tragic events reminded me of the tragedy in my own life, but my response also served as a measurement for how far I have come in my grief journey.

Losing your best friend SUCKS. It is a life altering experience and I have had to work very hard to get to where I am today. On Thanksgiving, it felt like Dude was missing. Last week, I burst into tears because I desperately wanted to call Dude and tell him something. The realization that I couldn't was heart-wrenching. Some days I get a little angry about all that has happened. But, all in all, I have this incredible sense that he is with me. Always. I have also noticed that there are less days with tears. Not a day goes by that I do not think about what happened. I think about Dude and what his new life with Christ must be like. I imagine that I will always think about him. It's not easy nor wise to forget such an important person that influenced half my life. I also know that even though he is gone, he will continue to influence my life. He and Jesus are always with me.

Thanksgiving is over, but I am still grateful. Grateful for my faith. Grateful that God created me to feel a range of emotions and loves me unconditionally. Grateful that my response to the recent tragedy showed me how far I have come. They aren't kidding when they say grief is a roller coaster. I have always had a love/hate relationship with roller coasters. Many I am scared to get on, but am proud that I did when the ride is over. This grief journey will not end quickly, but I am proud of the progress I am making. It's a growth experience.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever

1 Chronicles 16:34

Hallelujah

I made it through the test. I survived. It went just as any practice test. This could be concerning because as I mentioned before my processing disability hinders me from completing half the test. So, I bubble and I try my best. That's what I did. That's all I could do. Trying has got to be worth a little something. At least I gave it a shot. If it is in God's plan for me to get into law school, I sure will. If not, I will adjust. I worked hard, I tried, and oddly enough, I have a strange peace about it. I'm not sure if that's me being in total denial or completely relieved that I finally got to put all of that hard work "to the test" no matter the outcome. Regardless, I am done.

Hallelujah!

After the test, I met up with my friend, Charlie, for a singing of Handel's Messiah. I was thrilled when he invited me because I love that piece and had not sung it since college. Well, let's just say, my rustiness definitely showed. Neither one of us had cash so we were not able to purchase a Messiah songbook. That left us to fend for ourselves when it came to audience participation during the chorus. If you are familiar with Handel's Messiah, you know that the "chorus" is not a repeated refrain. It is different after every song. Every time it was "showtime" for us, Charlie and I fumbled through the words. Even when we finally borrowed someone's songbook, we still struggled. It was rather comical really. We got progressively better as the piece started to come to an end. We had that Hallelujah Chorus down, but nobody will be calling us to join The Metropolitan Chorus anytime soon! As Charlie said, "It was a challenge. Good things come from challenges." Again, we did the best we could and had a grand time laughing at ourselves and our singing follies!

Yes, good things do come from challenges. This seems to be the motto for the day. 

However, at the end of the day, I have a wonderful family, faithful friends, and a God who loves me with a plan that is better than I'd ever imagine!

Hallelujah! 

A message?

To sum it all up, 2011 has been a pretty crummy year! There have certainly been some highlights that I will talk about in a feature blog post, but for the most part, thumbs down (or at least sideways!) to this year. I've felt stuck. Every attempt I've made to move forward has been thwarted. I pray feverishly to move forward yet constantly feel like I am being yanked back! God and I have talked about it. A lot. But, I've felt like He wasn't listening. I know He was because He always does, but I haven't felt like I've been heard.
When I start to doubt I stop  hoping and dreaming and I start to fear. I fear that despite the fact that my deepest desire is to be married and have a family I will be alone living with 6 cats for the rest of my life. That's so silly. God says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." And, I don't even like cats! So, the chances of that fear actually becoming a reality are slim to none! I also really want to start the foundation for children with disabilities. It seems daunting. I had a friend who was helping and then that support kind of just fizzled away and I felt overwhelmed and set that dream aside for now. But, I want it and know it is going to take a lot of work to make it happen. I also know I have a lot of support from people who actually know what they're doing when it comes to non-profits. So, it's time to "get back on the horse" and get movin'!
Then there's the story of my condo. I wanted to move back in June. I gave my tenant an extension until the end of September. He wrecked the place in that time. I had surgery in October. I haven't been back to the place yet. I've literally been sitting for 9 weeks and am slowly getting back to normal. Needless to say, the three things most important to me right now seem as if they have been removed from my reach.

Yesterday, what I believed to be a random box from Barnes and Noble arrived on my parents' doorstep addressed to me. My mom questioned whether my dad or I had ordered something from there. Recently, I've gone crazy with online shopping, but Barnes and Noble was not a site I visited. I tore opened the box, intrigued by what could be inside. Tucked away in the cardboard was a book from my pastor. The book: "The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears".  The note inside indicated he and his wife were thanking me for a donation I had made. I donated because I believed in the mission of the church, never expecting anything in return. But in my days of doubt, an unexpected surprise, this book, arrives.

I think God is trying to tell me something. I better hurry up and read this book all while continuing to trust Him. He's got something wonderful in store.

And, when I am done, I'll let you know how it is. You might want to check it out for yourself.