Monday, January 7, 2013

Thoughts about my upcoming birthday

The truth is I haven’t given it any thought.  Typically, starting January 1, I start proclaiming with great excitement that my birthday is coming up soon.  At least one month before that, I begin putting a plan together for a celebration, numerous celebrations.  Not this year.  I forgot my birthday is  fast approaching until after wishing someone else happy birthday, they replied , “Happy early birthday to you, too!” “Oh yeah, my birthday is coming up, isn’t it? I totally forgot about that!”  I think I forgot on purpose.  I don’t want to remember that I am approaching another year in my life without what I would consider God’s greatest gifts.

When I was younger I used to tell people that I would be married by age 25 and I’d certainly have kids by age 30.  I think I started telling people this when I was six years old.  The proclamation came at such an early age because I experienced my first wedding at age six and I was a junior bridesmaid.  Over the last 25 years, I have been to countless other weddings and my first one is still in  the running for the best one I’ve ever attended!  I wanted the love and the wedding that they had and I told everyone I was going to have exactly that just like they did, at age 25.   When 25 passed, I bumped the age up five years to 30.  That seemed realistic.  After all, my friends were achieving that “goal” so why couldn’t I? The year I turned 30 is now dubbed the worst year of my life.  Most people talk about spending the rest of their life with their best friend.  Well...... In my case, he’s dead.  He died the year I turned 30.  The year I was certain I would achieve that “goal”.

Now, I am about to turn 31.  Still no husband.  No prospects.  No kids.  Not even a dog. (And, no, I can’t just go get a dog. I need help taking care of a dog)  Sure, I’ve been blessed.  I have an amazing condo and am very successful.  I’m not ashamed to admit that.  My success and singleness have afforded me opportunities to travel and to chase after dreams that I might have otherwise had to give up.  But, the thing is I would be willing to give them up.  I would give anything to be a wife and a mother.  Heck, if I had to wait longer for the kids and it was just me, Hubs and the dog that would be such a blessing.  But, no, I guess it is not my turn yet.

I try my best to support my friends in all of their celebrations. Sometimes I go a little overboard for them because I know that as they celebrate their engagements, weddings, and new babies, this is such a special time in their lives and I want to do my part to make it so.  Showers, baby and bridal, are never easy for me.  I feel like I am sitting there staring at the person repeatedly unwrap reminders of things I don’t have.  Facebook makes it hard, too, with photos of happiness strewn all over the page.  One glaring reminder after another of things I want so badly yet don’t have.  Reminders that I feel left out.  I feel selfish even writing this because I am truly happy for my friends.  I would never express my sadness during their big moments because it is not about me.  These are times in their lives that deserve to be shouted from the rooftops and celebrated to the max.  And, I don’t blame them for doing just that.  I absolutely wouldn't miss their celebrations!

But, I want my own celebration, too.  I want to find my teammate, my champion and raise a family with him.

This is a new year and I can’t just sit here and whine about feeling left out.  I have to do something about it.  One friend said to me, “If I had as much money as you do, I’d sign up for every dating site possible.”  I tried not to get too offended.  Just because I can, doesn’t mean I want to.  I have spent hours in years past pouring through online dating profiles and reaching out, only to be rejected.  I once worked with a dating coach who was excited about three prospects for me.  The excitement was fleeting because she found out they were unwilling to date to someone with a disability.  There went that.  Do you know how happy I would be if I didn’t have to spend hours on the computer during the day, then hours on the computer at night just trying to find a date?  Do you know how blessed I would feel if I was introduced to my husband the traditional way?  I know my struggles are not unique, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.

 I have much to look forward to in 2013.  A couple new babies, a wedding in London, and some trips with friends are already on the books.  But, I’d really like a reason to celebrate something more than my birthday.  Next birthday, I’d like to be able to say I am well on my way to having one of God greatest gifts, my husband.  I guess I’ll have to wait and see what God has in store. In the meantime, I should probably do a little something to celebrate thirty-one (  Maybe I'll just have a cupcake, a glass of wine, and call it a day.  A birthday.


  1. Love you! I feel your pain and sadness. It is real and I get it.

  2. I'm personally glad I'll be out of the country for my birthday in March (will be visiting my Ukrainian people where I did Peace Corps) - will be good to not have to worry about making plans and who can come, and blah blah blah. Re: dating sites, just signed up for one and it really stresses me out, but in terms of the response: someone wrote in to Carolyn Hax once and said that she was from West Virginia, and all these jerks would respond to her profile with WV jokes. She asked if she should leave that detail off. Carolyn said NO - that is your FILTER - that is how you can tell (at least some of) the jerks from the rest. (I occasionally feel like my personality is my filter, heh). I think a lot of girls wouldn't want to date a guy who'd draw the line at a disability, but I guess they don't get to find that out about the guy they're dating - but you never know what will happen in life - you want someone who can be in it to win it, not just "happy with exactly how things are right now, no more responsibility please."


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...