Saturday, January 12, 2013

It IS possible

I've really been trying to hard to embrace this "one day at a time approach". Not only is it absolutely necessary in grief, I've decided it is kind of a good way to live life anyways. I tend to jump ahead to things and miss out on what is right in front of me.  I was born three months early.  I don't like waiting.  I started this blog so I could be more aware of things going on around me and record my feelings and events.  Little did I know that I'd have such a major life changing event to record.  But, I am glad that I have written all of this down.  Occasionally, I go back and see some of the progress I've made.  Admittedly, it is not as much as I'd like to have made, but it is progress --

Some days are good days.

Some days it takes all I have to pretend it is a good day.

Some days are bad and I've learned that every once and awhile that is perfectly OK. It takes a lot for me to admit when it is a really bad day, but I am getting better at this and am noticing there are more days and even weeks (!!!) between really bad days.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Dude and what happened, but most days these days the pain is not all consuming and paralyzing like it used to be.

Grief counselors have talked with me about how it is possible for joy and sorrow to mix and mingle with one another. I remember thinking and probably even saying, "Well, that's nice and might be possible for other people, but not for me. FAT CHANCE.  I will be sad forever. I will never be able to be happy again.  It is black and white.  Joy.  Sorrow. But certainly not both."

For once, I am glad to admit that I was wrong.  I have been really intentional about doing things that make me happy these days.  Initially, the good days were tainted with guilt.  The thought that I should be happy when I just lost one of the most important people in my life, and in such a tragic way, was unthinkable.

But, I've been able to do it.

I've cheered loudly at Redskins games.  I've attended baby showers.  I've eaten at a new favorite place with friends and fallen in love with toasted marshmallow milkshakes.  I've been able to have conversations without talking about Mike -- this takes some focus sometimes, but can and has been done.  I've booked travel adventures to see my friends.  I've taken a step to potentially put me on a new path.  I even attended a friend's wedding -- this was a BIG step.  I was very nervous about whether I would just completely lose it!  But, I kept it together and was glad I could be supportive and celebrate a little bit.

This joy mixed with sorrow thing - It IS possible.  This one day at a time business makes me appreciate each and every day and the people God has put in it.

And that is a big step.  And good news.

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