Monday, January 21, 2013

I'm Alive.....

Every January 17th, my parents recall the horrific day in 1982.  We were sitting at my birthday dinner this year and my mom remarked how I entered the world fighting and have been fighting just as hard this year as I did when I was an infant.  You see, the doctors did not expect me to live.  On more than one occasion, they told my parents that "this was it."  But each time, I pulled through and survived.  Once they were confident I'd survive, the doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk.  Obviously, I proved them wrong.  I've had to work really hard and I've had to fight, but I've done it.  My mom was right to compare my initial days and years to this past year of my life.  Ever since Dude died, I've been fighting.  Fighting my grief.  Fighting to keep going.  Fighting to accept the fact that the hopes and dreams I had are not necessarily shattered but are different now. Fighting to adjust to this new normal.  Fighting to get into law school.  There have been days when I would just rather be where he is.  Not because I want to die, I don't want to die, but because I miss him and want to be with him. There were days when I was sure I would die.  I would never take my own life, but I was certain my heart would not withstand the pain.  But just as God allowed me to fight and live when I was first born, He has done the same thing now.  A huge part of me is gone.  I am different because of what has happened to me.  But, I am meant to be here.  God has a plan for me and the plan does not involve meeting up with Dude anytime soon.

I am alive even though a part of me has died -- "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe.

I am now officially older than Dude.  He never made it to age 31.  I have, and although I did not want to celebrate my birthday, I decided that was not the right approach.  Despite the fact that this past year has been saturated with sadness, every year of life God gives me is a gift.  That's something to celebrate!  So, I've had a few birthday celebrations. And, a lot of cake and ice cream!

{ If I can figure out how to use my new Adobe Photoshop, I'd upload the photos and show you.  I will eventually, but for now, I want to be sure to document all of my thoughts and feelings}

The birthday wishes and joy that surrounded me this weekend reminded me that yes, a part of me has died --- but part of me is still here, too.  And, I am supposed to be here.   I wasn't supposed to live when I was born at 26 weeks, but I did.  God has something special for me.  I don't know what His plan is for me.  I thought I knew, but the world as I knew it blew wide open on April 3, 2012.  Dude left, but I'm still here. As I blew out my trick candles on my birthday cake, I made wish after wish each time that flame reignited.  I don't know if the wishes I made will come true.  I certainly hope they do.  But, I do know that God has a plan. And it is good.  It is better than I can imagine.

I'm alive even though a part of me has died
Take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide
 "The Hurt and the Healer" MercyMe.

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