2012: Unbelievable

In reflecting on 2012, I was trying to think of how to sum it up in one word.  The first word that came to mind was horrific. While Mike's death certainly took center stage this year, other things - good and bad - occurred, so horrific didn't quite capture everything. "Unbelievable" seemed most appropriate. The highlights and low-lights of 2012 are truly unbelievable.

Highlights

• Family trip to Thailand (February 11-25): After traveling 24 hours on an airplane, we arrived in Asia for quite an adventure. All of the colors, sounds, and smells were unbelievable. I have traveled a lot of places and have never been to a place like Thailand before. Riding elephants, playing with tigers, getting custom made clothes at the tailor and feeling like a celebrity, eating Thai food at literally every meal, visiting with my friend, Yada, visiting floating markets and floating down many rivers in wooden boats or bamboo rafts --- certainly a trip of a lifetime! 

• Visiting the Beckers (April 30): Spending the whole day with the Beckers in Lawrenceville, NJ before they moved to Washington, CT. I went to lunch with Age and then spent the whole day with William and Marilee at the playground and hanging out with them on campus. At the end of the day, we walked to school to pick up Penny and get hugs just before it was time for me to go home.

• Running outside in the middle of the workday to watch the space shuttle fly by. It was so cool to see the plane flying with the shuttle on it's "back". Unbelievable! (April 17)

• Redskins games especially Monday Night Football. RG3 is UNBELIEVABLE!

• A weekend in NYC with Kathryn. I am so grateful for our friendship. (April 22-24)

• University of Richmond Homecoming 2012. Thank you, Kristen Emerson. (Nov 3)

• Moving back into my condo: Renovating the kitchen and bathroom and getting a new bed were the best decisions I made this year. 

• Summer Olympics in London.  I am an Olympic junkie. My favorite sports were gymnastics (Go Gabby Douglas) and swimming (supposedly Michael Phelps last Olympics)

Low-lights:

• April 3, 2012: My best friend left the world forever. It is still hard to believe and to wrap my mind around. It will probably always seem strange. I will miss you and love you forever, Dude.

• August 14, 2012: My godmother, Linda, went to heaven.

• October 12, 2012: Surgery #17 to remove a screw in my foot. It ended up being easier than expected, though.

• Having to sue LSAC twice

 Reasons to celebrate my friends

• Jason and Angela Ritter, May 11, 2012
• Seth Caplan and Melissa Whitlock, September 2, 2012
• Jen and Chris Hansen, December 22, 2012
• Andy and Yada's engagement
• Dr. Alyssa Dunn published a book
• Kathryn and Tyler Grassmeyer are expecting a baby girl in January 2013
• Sean and Amanda Casey are expecting Baby Casey in February 2013
• Jason and Angela Ritter are expecting a baby girl in May 2013.
• Erin and Tom Buller are expecting a baby girl in June 2013. Great news especially after Noah joined Mike in heaven earlier this year.

Lessons Learned

• You are stronger than you think.
• Your friends truly do love you.
• God is there.
• Never give up no matter how hard it gets.
• Wine is wonderful.

I am definitely ready to say "good riddance" to this unbelievable year. I'm praying that 2013 is full of blessing, hope, and joy.

#17: Just say NO to drugs

This is as much a public service announcement as it is a recap of my seventeenth surgery.

JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS

If I had done this, I would not be laying on the couch in pain right now. Drugs are tricky. They make you feel awesome and take away the pain, but as soon as you start to wean yourself off of them, they can wreak havoc on your body. I'm a prime example. I'll spare you all of the details, but don't take narcotics unless you absolutely need them! Ok, now, I'll get off my soapbox.

    I was dreading this surgery because it was annoyingly simple. All the doctor did was remove one screw from my foot. I tried to negotiate to remove all three, but he is the boss when I am under anesthesia. So, one was all that was removed, and yes, I got to keep it! I added it to my hardware collection. 

Dr. Garrett explained to my parents that the surgery would either take 10 minutes or 45 minutes. It ended up taking 45 minutes because he had trouble getting the screw out. It was in there pretty good. Since the surgery was pretty short, I was asleep, but I must have been in some sort of lala land. The nurses commented that I came out of the operating room talking (Shock a rock!), but wouldn't cooperate when they were trying to get my to do things. I'm normally a good patient, so I don't know what that was all about. Apparently, I wasn't all that cooperative when I was awake either hence this photo:

My parents said I told them to take this picture, but I seem to be protesting! After getting some hives and dizziness under control and receiving my surprising discharge instructions (full weight bearing, no restrictions! This is a change because originally he said no wieght-bearing for a week.), we headed home.
Recovery at home hasn't been so bad thanks to my wonderful friends who know just how to make me smile! I love surprises, and boy, have I been treated to many! Whether it was Julia and Dana coming over to bring me lunch and fresh apple muffins, Dorcey convincing my mom that it really was OK for me to have the pain medicine while she balanced cupcakes, sweet potato chips and cider in her arms, or the many cards, phone calls and messages I received, I am one blessed lady. It is not often that I have surgery at home (normally in Minnesota or California) and y'all make it such a treat for me!
Look at all of the pretties:

A sunshine basket that sweet Jen has been collecting since Mike passed away and thought now would be the perfect time to give it to me! I've had fun with all of those goodies

This cupcake ornament is just one of many things in a big 'ole honking care package from Kerry and Todd! Kerry was the only benefit to having surgery in Minnesota because she lives there. My parents always appreciated the relief she provided them.

My parents friends knew what was up by giving me these socks! I have an unattractive bootlet that will be made prettier with these fancy things on my toes!

And, the dark, uncomfortable times are made that much brighter when you get to sit next to these three beauties! (Friends hand delivered these beauties so that was double the fun!)

Today, I peeled 3/4 of my hair from one side of my head (tip: don't go 5 days without brushing your hair. It WILL stick to the side of your head!), put on some real clothes and went to the doctor. Con: He said I might feel sick for a few more days because of the side effects of the Percocet. PRO: My stitches are out, my bandage is off, and tomorrow I can take a real shower! OH HAPPY DAY!
I'd intended to go back to work on Tuesday, but my drugs had other plans for me. I'm calling it a week and I'll be back to work (and the LSAT) on Monday. I did learn two interesting tidbits of information today: 1. Your brain is not fully developed until you are 25 years of age and 2. There is no silverware in prison. This prisoner said you eat with your hands. Thank you to daytime TV for that new knowledge.

Most of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your kindness. You are wonderful and I cannot adequately express my gratitude for the love and support you have shown me.

I'll be back in two cute shoes soon....

Thoughts on my recovery

As of today, I am four weeks into my recovery. The pain is gone. Exhaustion and soreness have set in. The doctor will tell me in another two weeks how long he expects my recovery to be. All I know is that my family and I are booked to go to Thailand in February 2012 and the doctor promises I will be recovered enough to make the trip! So, I know the end is in sight, but the path to get there is still uncertain at this point.

The night before my surgery I was on the phone with a friend expressing my hopes and fears related to my surgery and the long recovery that comes with it. She said, "I think your recovery verse should be Psalm 46:10."

Be still and know that I am God

  

Be still? Ha! Good one! I am not sure if that word is in my vocabulary. I hear people tell me to "be still" a lot, but my uncontrollable startle reflex balks at this command every time! Stillness is not easy and rather uncomfortable for me.  My cast robs me of a full-night's restful sleep. Awake for a few hours, I grab my iPhone and dilly dally through the different apps or turn on the TV and try to pass the time while the rest of the house slumbers in the stillness of the night. Be still? Hmmm.

Now that the pain and drugs have worn off, my mind and body are in a constant battle. My initial recovery period requires no weight-bearing for 6-8 weeks. This means I cannot walk. I cannot go anywhere without the assistance of another person. I am helped into a chair and required to stay there. I must be still. My mind spins with all sorts of things I could be doing if I weren't bound to a chair or bed. I've made a list of places in the world to visit. Planning for my best friend's birthday party is well underway. My mom is calling me "The QVC lady" because the UPS guy has come almost everyday for the last week thanks to online shopping. I want to get out of this chair. I want to explore. But I can't.

It's a big deal in my world these days when my parents take me to movies or to dinner. I can see the outside from the window, but to feel the chilly air hit my face and to hear the crunch of the leaves is honestly, thrilling! As Dad rolls me to the car and then to our destination, a grin is plastered on my face. Afterwards, I am tired. So tired. My mind wants to go, but my body can't handle too much activity.   

So, alas, just as He always is, God is right. I must heed the words of Psalm 46:10: "Be STILL and KNOW that I am GOD". What I know of God is that He is preparing me for something wonderful. I can think of a number of things I would deem "wonderful", but whatever God has in store is better than I can imagine! For now, I will be still and hope and pray for the future.

It's the only thing I can do. It's the right thing to do. 

"Sweet" #16

Surgery is just a part of my life.  That doesn't make it easy, but it is what it is. Most of the time my surgeries are in Minnesota, so to have #16 at Mt. Vernon Hospital close to home was pretty sweet!  Maybe my drugs are making me delirious enough to post unflattering photos of myself, but my surgeries have definitely played a part in who I am.  Here is the story as it unfolded on October 14, 2011:

My arms are wrapped in warm blankets in an attempt to get my veins to pop up for an IV

The nurse got the IV in on the *first* try!

All ready to go! Don't worry, the smile didn't last long!

The first few minutes in my room

My first visitor: Paula

I would fall asleep in the middle of talking or playing with my phone

Kathryn came and saved the day! She fed me my dinner because I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to use the fork and spoon to eat it on my own.

All by myself.  In pain and pitiful.

Sean and Amanda's surprise visit perked me up!

Rough night. My roommate and I were ignored by the nurses for 3 hours. They got into trouble, but I was not a happy camper!

If I can sit up for 1.5 hours, I can go home.

I did it! Home sweet home soon

Jay, the PT, teaching me how to pivot. This is key.

All set to go!

On my way

How I pass the time most days

In the end:
5 screws in my foot
4 Percocets per day
3 pins in my toes
2 Oxycotin per day
1 cast on Thursday

A long road to recovery (8+ weeks), but my days are brightened by flowers, cards, care packages and visitors.

The Water Slide with Sharks

If you have ever been to the Atlantis Hotel in the Bahamas, you know that it has many water slides. One of the water slides is surrounded by a shark tank. You board the slide at the top and along the journey through the tube to the deep water, you zoom passed some sharks! This experience is simultaneously thrilling and unnerving! The last month I feel like I have been on this water slide.

I love the thrills and the speed and the fun that comes with this unique attraction at the largest hotel on Paradise Island. There is no way I can say the last month has not been filled with thrills and speed and fun! I have been traveling almost every weekend to visit friends or to spend the weekend in NYC to see a show, celebrate FOCUS' 50th anniversary, and savor a super expensive but totally worth it brunch at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel. This past weekend I also enjoyed seeing Les Mis at the Kennedy Center and spending some quality time with good family friends. Life has done anything but move in slow motion as I have jam packed my schedule with fun knowing that "house arrest" and a slower pace is just around the corner!

Amidst the thrills and the speed and the fun are the "sharks". When you zoom down this water slide at Atlantis, you intellectually know that you will survive. The sharks are not going to eat you as you zoom by them. But they are there. And you acknowledge them. And emotionally you get a little nervous that the highly unlikely situation of ending up in the mouth of a shark might actually happen. In the end, you do survive and are glad you rode the slide. I am blessed to have been joyfully dancing through life the last month, but the sharks have tried to butt in and break my stride.  And in some cases, have succeeded. 

Health problems have plagued me and my parents. My renter moved out of my condo, but left it a mess. Much has to be cleaned up before I can move back in. Surgery is in a week and I have yet to purchase "my wheels". Work is rapidly changing and I am the only person doing my job. I have been trying to be conscientious about completing as many tasks as possible while also leaving the files organized in such a way that someone can take over if need be. I spend too much time thinking about the things I am not going to be able to do for the 8 weeks that I have to hit the pause button on life as I currently know it. On the flip side, thought is put into the things I feel I can and should accomplish while on "house arrest". The argument in my head over what to do about online dating during this time period resembles a ping-pong match. The "sharks" are there. I know it.  I see them. 

If I reflect on the water slide at The Atlantis, it is the combination of the fun, thrills, speed AND sharks that make the ride what it is. The sharks are present, but they do not kill those who embark on the adventure.  As you exit the tube, you plunge into the pool with joy! The joy overcomes the fear the sharks momentarily aroused in you as you zoomed by.

While I have had variations of my upcoming surgery five times during my lifetime, it seems different this time.  Not only have I not had major surgery in 7 years, life seems more complicated this time around.  Surgery is roughly one week away.  I must remember not be to overcome by the sharks. I'm confident my friends will come and visit me. In fact, I already have some special, out of town guests lined up! I have been and will continue to be surrounded by joy and blessings. My upcoming surgery and recovery seems like a mighty big plunge! But, I am hopeful I will look back on the experience acknowledging the sharks, but being overcome with joy.

There's a whole lotta shakin' going on!

Ever since the news of my impending surgery, my life has felt like an earthquake!  I had big plans for the fall and they are "all shook up!" Trying to juggle moving into my condo (then moving out 13 days later), repairing the damage in my condo, working "two" jobs, dating, and having pain in my ankle that restricts my driving seems unbearable at times. Couple this with not being able to weight bear for 6-8 weeks after my triple joint fusion and I feel completely out of control! The ground as I thought I knew it has been shaken. The plans I had made are now on hold - or will not be executed as I had imagined.

Fast forward two weeks later.....

Yesterday, around 11:30am, I bounced outside to escape my cubicle and the air conditioning to enjoy lunch. It was beautiful outside. Clear, blue skies, 85 degrees, a light wind -- I reluctantly returned to my cube after thirty minutes, longing to stay outside.
About 2:00pm, the floor beneath my desk started to rumble. At first, I thought there was some sort of construction going on. Then a bigger rumble came, the entire building started shaking and the power went out. The building was pitch black! My colleagues and I were stunned and silenced by what had just occurred.  Our first thought was that we were experiencing a terrorist attack. Being in DC and given that we are so close to the 10th anniversary of September 11, sadly, that seemed realistic.

Then the lights came back on.  Our phones were ringing off the hook and we all realized what we had just experienced was an earthquake. While it was scary because I had never been in an earthquake of that magnitude before, I was relieved. It wasn't a terrorist attack. Nobody was hurt. I had survived. I was alive. It wasn't as big of a deal as it had seemed while it was occurring.

My hope is that "the earthquake that is my surgery" will be the same way. Right now, it seems daunting because I have not had a major procedure in seven years. My life is much more complicated than it was when I was growing up and having these surgeries. Without a doubt, this is a *whopper* of a medical procedure! But, I will recover, and I will be better for it in the end.

Right now, the unknowns and uncertainty feel unbearable and suffocating at times. In the end, it will feel like this:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future" -Jeremiah 29:11