The city of Washington, DC and the surrounding metropolitan area are electric today! We’ve been rocking since our big win over Dallas last night!! This was HUGE! Not only did we beat our arch-rival in a do or die game, we became NFC East Champions and secured a spot in the playoffs! We haven’t had such success since 1999. The year may turn to 2013 tomorrow, but for now, we are partying like it’s 1999!!
I am very tired today. As Faith Hill sings, “I waited all day for Sunday night”. Sunday, I was anxious, excited, and nervous for this big game. It was as if I was awaiting the arrival of my first child. I watched Chicago beat Detroit and got nervous. Then I watched Minnesota beat the Packers and said “Well, it wouldn’t have mattered if Detroit beat Chicago. We still have to win this game!” I tore off the tags of my new RG III jersey and settled in to watch the big showdown. I cheered so loud that I am positive Dude could hear me all the way up in heaven! I was nervous and excited the whole time. I stayed up for every minute of the game and watched all of the postgame coverage before finally drifting off to sleep around 1:30am. Filled with excitement and a heart full of joy, I slept in my jersey. Four hours later, I was back up at 5:30am for work.
You might remember this post. I was frustrated because when the Redskins drafted RG III the city was full of hope and expectation. Then at the beginning of November, we were 3-6 with a coach who had seemingly given up and dashed playoffs hopes. Just two months later, we are in the playoffs for the first time in 5 years and NFC East Champions for the first time in 13 years! During all of the postgame coverage, Shanahan’s comments and our dismal record came up again and again. Each player interviewed was asked the same two questions: what changed and how did you do it? Over and over, they repeated the same message: we took it one game at a time and believed in ourselves. We prepared and came out to play. It was patience and belief in themselves that moved them forward.
From the day Dude died, I’ve been encouraged to take it one day at a time. I’ve explained how difficult this is for me. I like to think months even years ahead, but grief has not allowed me to do that. Grief has forced me to take it one day at a time. When I suspend the belief that it is annoying to be forced to live this way and I just embrace the fact that all I am guaranteed is today, I live more freely and with more appreciation. I am not always good at remembering this, but Mike’s mom is a champ at reminding me of it.
“One day at a time”, she says. “Just one day at a time."
The Redskins took it one game at a time and currently have a seven game winning streak!
Grief can also steal your self esteem. Not only did I lose my very best friend, I lost my biggest fan. For the last eight months, another repetitive message to me has been
“Yes, this is a huge loss, but your life is not over. You are still here, still young, and have a lot to offer”.
At first, this message just bounced off of me and was almost paralyzing. How was I supposed to move forward? How would I ever adjust to this? How would I ever explain this to someone else? Some people said to not bring it up. I can’t do that. Dude was such a huge part of me and this experience is now a part of who I am that to not explain it to the right person at the right time would be a denial of half my life and a huge part of myself. I trust God to bring me the right person at the right time. However, I will not get there if I don’t believe that I can. The Redskins played injured, beat up, and when everyone counted them out. If they’d given in to those feelings and had given up, we wouldn’t be celebrating today. But they believed and we cheer like maniacs!! I may have lost my biggest cheerleader on earth, but I know he is cheering me on from above. I also have lots of fans still with me, too. Now, I just have to continue to work on believing in myself and things will turn around.
One of the rookie quarterbacks will probably win “Rookie of the Year”, but honestly, Alfred Morris should be a contender. He was a 6th round draft pick with very low expectations and has been explosive on our offense! When thinking about the LSAT and law school I feel like Alfred Morris. I am pretty sure my LSAT score is not going to be good. I might end up being a school’s “6th round pick”. If someone is willing to give me a chance, I am confident I will be a firecracker and excel.
Tomorrow the calendar turns to a new year. I entered 2012 with much hope and anticipation. It turned out to be the worst year of my life. I enter 2013 just as I felt all day yesterday – nervous, excited, scared, and anxious. The good news is I have survived the worst year of my life. The events of this year have instilled a physical, emotional and spiritual work ethic in me. If I carry that work ethic into 2013, focusing on “one day at a time”, believing in myself, and trusting God, I think I’ll be OK. I hope I can go from surviving to thriving, but at the very least, I know I can survive.
Hail to 2013!
and
HAIL TO THE REDSKINS, HAIL VICTORY!!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
2012: Unbelievable
In reflecting on 2012, I was trying to think of how to sum it up in one word. The first word that came to mind was horrific. While Mike's death certainly took center stage this year, other things - good and bad - occurred, so horrific didn't quite capture everything. "Unbelievable" seemed most appropriate. The highlights and low-lights of 2012 are truly unbelievable.
Highlights
Reasons to celebrate my friends
Lessons Learned
I am definitely ready to say "good riddance" to this unbelievable year. I'm praying that 2013 is full of blessing, hope, and joy.
Highlights
- Family trip to Thailand (February 11-25): After traveling 24 hours on an airplane, we arrived in Asia for quite an adventure. All of the colors, sounds, and smells were unbelievable. I have traveled a lot of places and have never been to a place like Thailand before. Riding elephants, playing with tigers, getting custom made clothes at the tailor and feeling like a celebrity, eating Thai food at literally every meal, visiting with my friend, Yada, visiting floating markets and floating down many rivers in wooden boats or bamboo rafts --- certainly a trip of a lifetime!
- Visiting the Beckers (April 30): Spending the whole day with the Beckers in Lawrenceville, NJ before they moved to Washington, CT. I went to lunch with Age and then spent the whole day with William and Marilee at the playground and hanging out with them on campus. At the end of the day, we walked to school to pick up Penny and get hugs just before it was time for me to go home.
- Running outside in the middle of the workday to watch the space shuttle fly by. It was so cool to see the plane flying with the shuttle on it's "back". Unbelievable! (April 17)
- Redskins games especially Monday Night Football. RG3 is UNBELIEVABLE!
- A weekend in NYC with Kathryn. I am so grateful for our friendship. (April 22-24)
- University of Richmond Homecoming 2012. Thank you, Kristen Emerson. (Nov 3)
- Moving back into my condo: Renovating the kitchen and bathroom and getting a new bed were the best decisions I made this year.
- Summer Olympics in London. I am an Olympic junkie. My favorite sports were gymnastics (Go Gabby Douglas) and swimming (supposedly Michael Phelps last Olympics)
- April 3, 2012: My best friend left the world forever. It is still hard to believe and to wrap my mind around. It will probably always seem strange. I will miss you and love you forever, Dude.
- August 14, 2012: My godmother, Linda, went to heaven.
- October 12, 2012: Surgery #17 to remove a screw in my foot. It ended up being easier than expected, though.
- Having to sue LSAC twice
Reasons to celebrate my friends
- Jason and Angela Ritter, May 11, 2012
- Seth Caplan and Melissa Whitlock, September 2, 2012
- Jen and Chris Hansen, December 22, 2012
- Andy and Yada's engagement
- Dr. Alyssa Dunn published a book
- Kathryn and Tyler Grassmeyer are expecting a baby girl in January 2013
- Sean and Amanda Casey are expecting Baby Casey in February 2013
- Jason and Angela Ritter are expecting a baby girl in May 2013.
- Erin and Tom Buller are expecting a baby girl in June 2013. Great news especially after Noah joined Mike in heaven earlier this year.
Lessons Learned
- You are stronger than you think.
- Your friends truly do love you.
- God is there.
- Never give up no matter how hard it gets.
- Wine is wonderful.
I am definitely ready to say "good riddance" to this unbelievable year. I'm praying that 2013 is full of blessing, hope, and joy.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
When all else falls, love still remains
It’s been a tough year. Life has been hard on many fronts. I cannot wait to see 2012 go, hoping that 2013 has some blessing in store. There’s been sorrow and darkness and my world as I knew it for nearly half my life fell apart. For many months, I walked around in my hometown and everything seemed unrecognizable, unfamiliar, meaningless. However, even in the midst of such despair, I always knew there was a reason to go on. It is said that in the midst of tragedy people come together. We saw it with September 11th, Hurricane Sandy, the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre, and I have witnessed it first hand in my own life this year. My world crumbled, but amidst the rubble has been a fortress of love.
I sat down to write myNew Years Christmas cards and realized there were so many people I wanted to thank for the love and support they have given me throughout the most difficult year of my life. The road is long, but so many have helped me to move forward and have stood beside, in front of, or behind me as I’ve tried to navigate this journey I never wanted to be on. If you know me well, you know how much I am against using technology for personal thank yous (and big events - no evites). But, I only have 27 cards and there are so many more people who have supported me, I have to resort to this. So, in no particular order, here is my measly attempt to thank all of you for your love and support.
God: (Ok, maybe there is a little order) "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. You turn my darkness into light" - Psalm 18:28. Take care of Dude up there and give him big hugs, kisses and high fives! I miss him so much.
My family: It hasn’t been an easy road as my parents are grieving the loss, too. They also have no idea what to do sometimes because it is frustrating to not be able to take away my pain. No doubt, they try their best to make sure I have enough space to grieve and encourage me to move forward, too. Thank you for making it possible for me to be in Aruba over the anniversary of Dude's death. Zoe and Phoebe, our dogs, have been the biggest comfort with a never-ending supply of hugs, kisses, tail wags, and snuggles. Those two always know how to make me smile.
Dude’s family: Thank you for all of your love (and Scramble games) during your time of deep grief. You have adopted me into the family and have been an incredible support. It has been a huge help for me to talk to you. Know that Dude will always remain someone so special to me and there will always be a hole in my heart now that he is gone.
My favorite Spiders, you know who you are: You swooped right in and have surrounded me even though many of us are geographically distant. We’ve bonded through laughter and tears, photos and sweet memories. Thanks for taking care of me. Y’all are as loyal as the day is long. I hate that we have to go through this, but I am glad we are together.
Mary: You are an angel on this earth that God sent to help me.
Spiders: Although it’s been under horrific circumstances, I’ve really appreciated all of the notes and messages and memories you’ve shared. I have kept every one and have shared them with Mike’s family. We are blown away by the impact that he had on so many people and are comforted by all the stories. One Spider and I were talking right after he died and I mentioned to her how much I enjoyed hearing stories of people’s interactions with Mike. Her response was “Well, I suspect you’l l be hearing those for many years to come.” I sure do hope so. Mike and I used to always joke that between the two of us, we knew the entire school. I’ve enjoyed getting to meet and befriend many of you I didn’t know before this. Thanks for reaching out.
My small group: I’d never be able to do what I did that night without your help. Thanks for all you have done for me whether it be sitting next to me when I can’t come up with any words, praying for me, bringing me things to make me smile, or driving a long way just for a hug. I am so blessed to have you ladies in my life.
My friends: It’s not necessary to know the right words or to say anything at all. Any little thing has made a difference. I know I haven’t been the most fun, but I hope you understand and know that I appreciate all of your support. For those of you that never got to meet Dude, when we all get to heaven someday I’ll introduce you. Until then, I hope you'll get a glimpse of him through me.
Colleagues: You have been patient and do all that you can to make me smile throughout the day. Work isn’t the best place to be, but boy do I have some caring colleagues!!
Bloggers I’ve never met: The fun thing about blogging is that you get a glimpse into people’s lives that you have never met and may never meet. I’ve received notes of support and prayers from many of you. How cool that we can be a community even when we are so far apart and only know each other through our little space on the web?!
Dude: Even though I have a tendency to get so mad at you for what you did, I am so thankful for the time that we got to spend together. Thank you for finding ways to take care of me despite your own pain. I will love you and miss you forever. Stay close.
I’ve learned that this will be a lifelong healing process, but things will get better. They have gotten better. I am so blessed to have so much love and support. Thank you for everything and please stay close.
With a grateful heart, I wish each and every one of you a happy new year.
I sat down to write my
God: (Ok, maybe there is a little order) "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning. You turn my darkness into light" - Psalm 18:28. Take care of Dude up there and give him big hugs, kisses and high fives! I miss him so much.
My family: It hasn’t been an easy road as my parents are grieving the loss, too. They also have no idea what to do sometimes because it is frustrating to not be able to take away my pain. No doubt, they try their best to make sure I have enough space to grieve and encourage me to move forward, too. Thank you for making it possible for me to be in Aruba over the anniversary of Dude's death. Zoe and Phoebe, our dogs, have been the biggest comfort with a never-ending supply of hugs, kisses, tail wags, and snuggles. Those two always know how to make me smile.
Dude’s family: Thank you for all of your love (and Scramble games) during your time of deep grief. You have adopted me into the family and have been an incredible support. It has been a huge help for me to talk to you. Know that Dude will always remain someone so special to me and there will always be a hole in my heart now that he is gone.
My favorite Spiders, you know who you are: You swooped right in and have surrounded me even though many of us are geographically distant. We’ve bonded through laughter and tears, photos and sweet memories. Thanks for taking care of me. Y’all are as loyal as the day is long. I hate that we have to go through this, but I am glad we are together.
Mary: You are an angel on this earth that God sent to help me.
Spiders: Although it’s been under horrific circumstances, I’ve really appreciated all of the notes and messages and memories you’ve shared. I have kept every one and have shared them with Mike’s family. We are blown away by the impact that he had on so many people and are comforted by all the stories. One Spider and I were talking right after he died and I mentioned to her how much I enjoyed hearing stories of people’s interactions with Mike. Her response was “Well, I suspect you’l l be hearing those for many years to come.” I sure do hope so. Mike and I used to always joke that between the two of us, we knew the entire school. I’ve enjoyed getting to meet and befriend many of you I didn’t know before this. Thanks for reaching out.
My small group: I’d never be able to do what I did that night without your help. Thanks for all you have done for me whether it be sitting next to me when I can’t come up with any words, praying for me, bringing me things to make me smile, or driving a long way just for a hug. I am so blessed to have you ladies in my life.
My friends: It’s not necessary to know the right words or to say anything at all. Any little thing has made a difference. I know I haven’t been the most fun, but I hope you understand and know that I appreciate all of your support. For those of you that never got to meet Dude, when we all get to heaven someday I’ll introduce you. Until then, I hope you'll get a glimpse of him through me.
Colleagues: You have been patient and do all that you can to make me smile throughout the day. Work isn’t the best place to be, but boy do I have some caring colleagues!!
Bloggers I’ve never met: The fun thing about blogging is that you get a glimpse into people’s lives that you have never met and may never meet. I’ve received notes of support and prayers from many of you. How cool that we can be a community even when we are so far apart and only know each other through our little space on the web?!
Dude: Even though I have a tendency to get so mad at you for what you did, I am so thankful for the time that we got to spend together. Thank you for finding ways to take care of me despite your own pain. I will love you and miss you forever. Stay close.
I’ve learned that this will be a lifelong healing process, but things will get better. They have gotten better. I am so blessed to have so much love and support. Thank you for everything and please stay close.
With a grateful heart, I wish each and every one of you a happy new year.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Easy Button, Please.
Dear God,
All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life. I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.
Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.
Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.
I never expected to have two surgeries within a year. I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.
Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar. They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school. All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.
This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.
So tired.
Please help me.
Love, Jess
All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life. I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.
Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.
Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.
I never expected to have two surgeries within a year. I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.
Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar. They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school. All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.
This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.
So tired.
Please help me.
Love, Jess
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Dear Dude
Hey Dude,
It was around this time last year that I started writing you a letter every week. I haven't done that since April and felt now was a good time. So much has happened in a year. Last year, at this time, you were starting to spiral downhill. It was a scary time for all of us close to you, but I had hope. I wanted you to get better. I prayed that you would get better. I was certain you would get better. But you didn't. You uttered your last words to me, "I love you", and went to make your home in heaven. While your death was a possibility, I never expected it to be a reality - at least not until you were an old man and I had to teach you how to use a cane.
One week from Christmas, grief is more pronounced once again. For the last week or so, "grief brain" has come to visit. "Grief brain" feels like I have no brain. I'm distracted, have to ask the same question many times to comprehend what is being asked of me, and I am tired. Really tired. Some of the exhaustion comes from how hard I've worked. Between devoting time everyday to overcome grief, studying for the LSATs and completing my law school applications, I've been in overdrive. My body is calling me to rest.
This is supposed to be a time for celebration. I've been determined to celebrate Christmas just as I would if you were alive. I've done a pretty good job. But amidst the joy and fun of the season is sadness. Not only sadness that this year I can't come up with every reason under the sun for why I should find an autographed photo of Art Monk under the tree from you, sadness that life is now very different without you on this earth, but also sadness for all the people of Newtown, CT. I hurt for them. I know the heartache associated with losing someone you love so deeply, so suddenly. I know intense grief. I also watch your mom, Dude. Nobody should have to lose a child -- ever. Our celebrations have been tainted with sadness.
You always wanted to be a father. Remember when you told me you wanted 6 kids and I looked at you like you had 6 heads?! Well, now, you have 20 new ones who just joined you and I'm sure you've already taken Noah Buller under your wing. Take good care of those kiddos, Dude, and don't teach them all of your bad habits. Teach them strength, love, loyalty, curiosity, patience, generosity and selflessness -- all the things that made you, YOU!
What's it like to celebrate Christmas in heaven? Hanging out with Jesus all the time, does it feel like it is Christmas everyday? I bet so. The Mayans say the world is going to end on Friday. People are freaking out about it. But, God says we won't know the day, so I don't think I'll get to see you that soon. I'll be down here doing my best to live life to the fullest while I patiently wait for the day I will get to see you again.
Take good care of those kids, but watch over all of us, too. You are terribly missed and dearly loved. Always. Forever. I try to encourage everyone to show their smile and zestfully live life the way you did. Not a day goes by that my thoughts don't turn to you. Give Jesus a big hug and ask that He stays close to us. We desperately need Him. Everyone.
Merry Christmas! Thank you for watching over and loving me.
I love you. JB
It was around this time last year that I started writing you a letter every week. I haven't done that since April and felt now was a good time. So much has happened in a year. Last year, at this time, you were starting to spiral downhill. It was a scary time for all of us close to you, but I had hope. I wanted you to get better. I prayed that you would get better. I was certain you would get better. But you didn't. You uttered your last words to me, "I love you", and went to make your home in heaven. While your death was a possibility, I never expected it to be a reality - at least not until you were an old man and I had to teach you how to use a cane.
One week from Christmas, grief is more pronounced once again. For the last week or so, "grief brain" has come to visit. "Grief brain" feels like I have no brain. I'm distracted, have to ask the same question many times to comprehend what is being asked of me, and I am tired. Really tired. Some of the exhaustion comes from how hard I've worked. Between devoting time everyday to overcome grief, studying for the LSATs and completing my law school applications, I've been in overdrive. My body is calling me to rest.
This is supposed to be a time for celebration. I've been determined to celebrate Christmas just as I would if you were alive. I've done a pretty good job. But amidst the joy and fun of the season is sadness. Not only sadness that this year I can't come up with every reason under the sun for why I should find an autographed photo of Art Monk under the tree from you, sadness that life is now very different without you on this earth, but also sadness for all the people of Newtown, CT. I hurt for them. I know the heartache associated with losing someone you love so deeply, so suddenly. I know intense grief. I also watch your mom, Dude. Nobody should have to lose a child -- ever. Our celebrations have been tainted with sadness.
You always wanted to be a father. Remember when you told me you wanted 6 kids and I looked at you like you had 6 heads?! Well, now, you have 20 new ones who just joined you and I'm sure you've already taken Noah Buller under your wing. Take good care of those kiddos, Dude, and don't teach them all of your bad habits. Teach them strength, love, loyalty, curiosity, patience, generosity and selflessness -- all the things that made you, YOU!
What's it like to celebrate Christmas in heaven? Hanging out with Jesus all the time, does it feel like it is Christmas everyday? I bet so. The Mayans say the world is going to end on Friday. People are freaking out about it. But, God says we won't know the day, so I don't think I'll get to see you that soon. I'll be down here doing my best to live life to the fullest while I patiently wait for the day I will get to see you again.
Take good care of those kids, but watch over all of us, too. You are terribly missed and dearly loved. Always. Forever. I try to encourage everyone to show their smile and zestfully live life the way you did. Not a day goes by that my thoughts don't turn to you. Give Jesus a big hug and ask that He stays close to us. We desperately need Him. Everyone.
Merry Christmas! Thank you for watching over and loving me.
I love you. JB
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
A Child's Perspective on Violence -- 21 Years Later
All of the coverage of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre is a double whammy for me. It makes my grief for Mike a little stronger, but it also recalls my experience of losing my aunt to gun violence when I was nine years old. There is talk of hope that the students will forget what happened on December 14, 2012. Sadly, that's idealism. I did not even come close to my aunt's gunman nor did I hear the shots being fired and I will never forget that day in November 1991.
My aunt and uncle had stopped by my parents' house on Halloween to see me in my costume right before I headed out to go trick or treating. Their stay was brief because there was candy to be collected! They stayed for a short time, took some photos, and said their "See ya laters". That was the last time I would see my aunt.
The Friday night after Halloween (I don't remember how many days there were in between), my aunt and uncle were attending their niece's birthday party. The party ran a little late and they were driving home in the wee hours of Saturday morning. As they sped along I-295, minding their own business, Henry James rolled down the window and fired his gun. He said he "just felt like bustin' somebody". The bullet hit my aunt who died instantly.
I remember my Dad getting the phone call early Saturday morning. My parents didn't know what to do, so they tried to pretend that everything was normal when I woke up that morning. Little did they know, I had overheard the whole conversation and knew that my aunt had died. I didn't let them know I was aware. I didn't know what to do, so I just followed their lead and said nothing. I was numb to the news, so I don't exactly remember how I felt. My immediate response wasn't to shed tears, though. I had to pretend I didn't know of the tragedy that had occurred.
My parents spilled the beans when it was time for me to go back to school. The story hit the newspaper. The media caught wind of the tragedy and started interviewing my dad and my uncles. My parents tried to shield me from all that was going on, but it was impossible. You never quite realize how much the media replays a story until you are trying to avoid hearing it. Mom and Dad tried to maintain some sense of normalcy, but it didn't work. My family had been the victims of gun violence and that would change our world forever.
While I didn't initially have a strong response to the news of my aunt's untimely death, the trauma affected me over time. I spent a year in counseling dealing with the trauma and trying to overcome the effects of the tragedy. The trauma manifested in two ways: I had my first migraine ever (I've only had a migraine one other time -- after Mike died) and the biggest issue was that I was afraid to leave my house. My reasoning for staying in had to do with the fact that my aunt and uncle had come to visit, left, and then my aunt never came back. My parents would try to get me to go to sleepovers with my friends, I would go and then "get sick" so I could come home. I couldn't imagine us not being together as a family. In my nine year old mind, if one of us left the family, they would not return. That association took quite some time to break, but eventually, I felt more comfortable leaving my family without fear. I also used to have a nightmare once a year about this tragedy. It's only been about 3 years since I stopped waking up filled with such fear once a year.
As a result of my own family's tragedy, I will never own a gun. I'm not trying to use this post as a platform to express my views on gun ownership. I have many friends who own guns or who think the right to bear arms should be exactly that, a right. What they own is their business as long as they don't use it for harm which I know none of them would. I am just saying I personally will never possess a firearm.
The children of Sandy Hook are much worse off than I am. They were directly affected by this tragedy -- seeing and hearing the massacre unfold. I heard the media say they hope the students will be able to forget what happened. Never. And for those of you trying to shield your children from all of the coverage, that might be impossible. Perhaps, at the right time, it is better to explain what happened and that it is not a common occurrence (at least, let's pray it's not). But, 21 years later, I remember all of those details of my family's own tragedy. I will never forget it; it's a part of me.
Pray for our country and pray for all the members of Newtown, Connecticut. Nobody will ever forget that horrific day.
My aunt and uncle had stopped by my parents' house on Halloween to see me in my costume right before I headed out to go trick or treating. Their stay was brief because there was candy to be collected! They stayed for a short time, took some photos, and said their "See ya laters". That was the last time I would see my aunt.
The Friday night after Halloween (I don't remember how many days there were in between), my aunt and uncle were attending their niece's birthday party. The party ran a little late and they were driving home in the wee hours of Saturday morning. As they sped along I-295, minding their own business, Henry James rolled down the window and fired his gun. He said he "just felt like bustin' somebody". The bullet hit my aunt who died instantly.
I remember my Dad getting the phone call early Saturday morning. My parents didn't know what to do, so they tried to pretend that everything was normal when I woke up that morning. Little did they know, I had overheard the whole conversation and knew that my aunt had died. I didn't let them know I was aware. I didn't know what to do, so I just followed their lead and said nothing. I was numb to the news, so I don't exactly remember how I felt. My immediate response wasn't to shed tears, though. I had to pretend I didn't know of the tragedy that had occurred.
My parents spilled the beans when it was time for me to go back to school. The story hit the newspaper. The media caught wind of the tragedy and started interviewing my dad and my uncles. My parents tried to shield me from all that was going on, but it was impossible. You never quite realize how much the media replays a story until you are trying to avoid hearing it. Mom and Dad tried to maintain some sense of normalcy, but it didn't work. My family had been the victims of gun violence and that would change our world forever.
While I didn't initially have a strong response to the news of my aunt's untimely death, the trauma affected me over time. I spent a year in counseling dealing with the trauma and trying to overcome the effects of the tragedy. The trauma manifested in two ways: I had my first migraine ever (I've only had a migraine one other time -- after Mike died) and the biggest issue was that I was afraid to leave my house. My reasoning for staying in had to do with the fact that my aunt and uncle had come to visit, left, and then my aunt never came back. My parents would try to get me to go to sleepovers with my friends, I would go and then "get sick" so I could come home. I couldn't imagine us not being together as a family. In my nine year old mind, if one of us left the family, they would not return. That association took quite some time to break, but eventually, I felt more comfortable leaving my family without fear. I also used to have a nightmare once a year about this tragedy. It's only been about 3 years since I stopped waking up filled with such fear once a year.
As a result of my own family's tragedy, I will never own a gun. I'm not trying to use this post as a platform to express my views on gun ownership. I have many friends who own guns or who think the right to bear arms should be exactly that, a right. What they own is their business as long as they don't use it for harm which I know none of them would. I am just saying I personally will never possess a firearm.
The children of Sandy Hook are much worse off than I am. They were directly affected by this tragedy -- seeing and hearing the massacre unfold. I heard the media say they hope the students will be able to forget what happened. Never. And for those of you trying to shield your children from all of the coverage, that might be impossible. Perhaps, at the right time, it is better to explain what happened and that it is not a common occurrence (at least, let's pray it's not). But, 21 years later, I remember all of those details of my family's own tragedy. I will never forget it; it's a part of me.
Pray for our country and pray for all the members of Newtown, Connecticut. Nobody will ever forget that horrific day.
Anything Makes A Difference
You've heard me say it on this blog before. Words are not always necessary to show that you care. You don't always have to know what to say or even say anything at all. A hug, a phone call, a note or a prayer let those going through tragedy know you care. When the unspeakable happens many times there are no words. As such, there is a blogger moment of silence today. The majority of us have no relation to the victims' families and will not be close enough to be present with them for hugs or even notes. Yet, despite our distance, both geographically and relationally, many are driven to help. Here is one way you can help.
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| And never underestimate the power of prayer |
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