Beware: Grief Brain

What is grief brain, you ask?  It is a term I made up (I think).  It basically means my brain is missing and I am just waiting for it to return.  My mind is about as mixed up as my life is right now. I remember in the early days, weeks, and months after Dude died I could not concentrate on anything but the loss. I went to work the day after he died (yes, some people think this is crazy, but I needed something to do. I needed to have a job – no pun intended). I left work when I got the call that he was gone, but didn’t skip a day between the April 4 and April 10 – the day I left for the funeral. Then I went back to work right after the funeral and haven’t taken any vacations since. Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to jet-setting down to Texas on Thursday and then off to Aruba in a few weeks.  The days, weeks and first few months after Dude died were my most productive.  I was a machine.  It was sort of a defense mechanism because if I sat there and thought about what had just happened, I would launch into ugly, gasping for breath sobs and that is just not something anyone should do at work – ever – unless you find out that he died while you are at work – then all bets are off --- yeah….

Anyway, back to grief brain.  Grief brain is a complete lack of productivity. It is full on distraction.  It tends to return at the month anniversaries or important dates.  I don’t welcome it for too long, but do allow it to come because it just is what it is and if I fight it, I’ll pay later. I’ve noticed it’s been particularly bad the last two days. Some of that has to do with all of the confusion going on at work.  I don’t have to focus as hard as I normally would until the dust settles and we all know where we fall.  Did I mention we are going through an agency reorganization and things are all mixed up? Nobody knows where I will end up, but I won’t lose my job so praise God for that. So, things are kind of fluid these days and we have a little breather.  That is good because I can have more flexibility with taking care of my dad.  We work in the same building.  Sometimes it is nice, sometimes it is annoying, but it is working out well because he should not be driving….and when he calls and says he doesn’t feel good and I have to end up taking him home to get Mom before a second trip to the ER, it works out well.  We are still waiting for Dad’s surgery to be scheduled.  For crying out loud, just do it!  We have a trip to Aruba.  We need a beach.

My dad being sick has certainly illuminated the loss of Dude.  I want him here. I know he would be here.  He was really close to my dad.  I know he would say “Calm down, Killer. Everything is going to be OK” And, if he was extra sweet, he would get me a cupcake because he knew a cupcake makes everything better in my book. And, I am sure he is here with me. It’s just that I want hugs and kisses and cupcakes and songs, too.  But, instead I have to “settle” for him watching over us.  And, hopefully, he is asking God to heal my dad just like I am asking God to heal my dad.

I am confident my brain is in Texas. It is thrilling to look at the clothes laid out to be packed.  They are lightweight with lots of stripes. I didn’t realize I liked stripes so much, but apparently I do.  And, I cannot wait to see all four Fentons! I didn’t get to see them last year, so I haven’t met the youngest member of the Fenton family, and I am so excited!  We are going to the rodeo, and shopping, and eating lots of yummy Mexican food….but no snow cones.  It is still “Winter” there so the snow cone stands are closed.

DC is supposed to get “Snowquester” tonight, four to eight inches.  That’s big for us!  I think I’ll catch the flakes as they fall and pack the snow in my suitcase.  I’ll bring it down so we can make homemade snow cones!

….and grief brain will fly away as my plane to Texas ascends into the sky….if not before.

The Rear View Mirror

Happy New Year? The question mark is intentional.

New Year’s Eve is a bit of an illusion.  I heard people say (myself included) “I can’t wait for this year to be over!!" or “I don’t want to let this year go it’s been so good”.  It’s as if the stroke of midnight erases the year left behind and you are given a brand new start. Somehow, I naively thought when the calendar turned, my new start began and all of the pain and struggle of the last year was behind me.

I woke up on January 1, 2013 and didn’t feel new.  I wasn’t all that happy either.  I still have a bunch of stuff hanging over my head from 2012.  It’s nobody’s fault.  It just is.  There are things yet to be done; decisions yet to be made.  The new start that everyone says arrives with a new year didn’t come without some strings from my past.

We had dinner with some good family friends last night. They encouraged me to not look back and just move forward.  On one hand, this is good advice.  On the other hand, it is somewhat dangerous.

Imagine driving without your rear view mirror.  At times, it is extremely important to be able to see what is behind you.  There are things in my past that could sneak up on me and kick me in the butt at any time.  If I am not able to glance at them from time to time, this could cause a dangerous collision.  The loss of Mike will be with me forever. Will it always be a huge, gaping hole?  No.  Dealing with it is easier than it was 9 months ago and I will continue to learn to live with the loss, but he will always be missing from my life from now on.  Mike would not want me to get stuck in the past. Before he died, he told me he wanted me to move forward.  I am and I will continue to do so, but there are lessons to be learned from the past that are important to carry with me as I move along.

One important lesson is to realize that everyone is fighting a hard battle.  Many people were completely puzzled by Mike’s death because he was one of happiest, kindest people they’d ever met.  This is true, but underneath it all, he was suffering immensely.  Having been through this experience, I’ve learned to be more compassionate and kind to those around me. You only see what people are willing to show you and one act of kindness could make a huge difference to someone.  Unfortunately, in Mike’s case, one more act of kindness did not save him, but it might save someone else. 

I’ve also learned to count my blessings and appreciate even the smallest things.  Life can change in an instant.  When life does get turned upside down I know I have incredible support.  I’ve been reminded that God is near to the brokenhearted, He is an ever present help and strength in times of trouble, He is unchanging, and gives peace that is beyond worldly understanding.  I’ve lost some friendships along this journey, but many have been renewed and strengthened beyond belief.  Of course, I want to look back and remember all of these things.

What was meant by the advice I received was that you can’t change the past so accept it and move forward.  Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned from 2012 is that I am not able to control everything.  Pretty much everything that happened this past year was completely out of my control.  Let me tell you, that is a harsh and humbling lesson to learn - especially when it involves losing someone you deeply love.  I don't believe Mike's death occurred so I could learn the lesson.  Absolutely not.  But, I learned it nonetheless.  Let go, and let God.

My 2013 is not a completely clean slate because some events of 2012 follow me into the new year. There are still things left to complete (like my law school applications which are allllmost done).  I’ll continue to move forward, but am giving myself permission to glance in the rear view mirror every once and awhile.  It’s necessary for safe “driving”.  But, as I embark on the road laid out before me for 2013, Pintrest assisted me with some words to live by:

“Be a lamp or a lifeboat or a ladder”.

So many people have been that to me over the past year; it’s time for me to return the favor.     

2012: Unbelievable

In reflecting on 2012, I was trying to think of how to sum it up in one word.  The first word that came to mind was horrific. While Mike's death certainly took center stage this year, other things - good and bad - occurred, so horrific didn't quite capture everything. "Unbelievable" seemed most appropriate. The highlights and low-lights of 2012 are truly unbelievable.

Highlights

• Family trip to Thailand (February 11-25): After traveling 24 hours on an airplane, we arrived in Asia for quite an adventure. All of the colors, sounds, and smells were unbelievable. I have traveled a lot of places and have never been to a place like Thailand before. Riding elephants, playing with tigers, getting custom made clothes at the tailor and feeling like a celebrity, eating Thai food at literally every meal, visiting with my friend, Yada, visiting floating markets and floating down many rivers in wooden boats or bamboo rafts --- certainly a trip of a lifetime! 

• Visiting the Beckers (April 30): Spending the whole day with the Beckers in Lawrenceville, NJ before they moved to Washington, CT. I went to lunch with Age and then spent the whole day with William and Marilee at the playground and hanging out with them on campus. At the end of the day, we walked to school to pick up Penny and get hugs just before it was time for me to go home.

• Running outside in the middle of the workday to watch the space shuttle fly by. It was so cool to see the plane flying with the shuttle on it's "back". Unbelievable! (April 17)

• Redskins games especially Monday Night Football. RG3 is UNBELIEVABLE!

• A weekend in NYC with Kathryn. I am so grateful for our friendship. (April 22-24)

• University of Richmond Homecoming 2012. Thank you, Kristen Emerson. (Nov 3)

• Moving back into my condo: Renovating the kitchen and bathroom and getting a new bed were the best decisions I made this year. 

• Summer Olympics in London.  I am an Olympic junkie. My favorite sports were gymnastics (Go Gabby Douglas) and swimming (supposedly Michael Phelps last Olympics)

Low-lights:

• April 3, 2012: My best friend left the world forever. It is still hard to believe and to wrap my mind around. It will probably always seem strange. I will miss you and love you forever, Dude.

• August 14, 2012: My godmother, Linda, went to heaven.

• October 12, 2012: Surgery #17 to remove a screw in my foot. It ended up being easier than expected, though.

• Having to sue LSAC twice

 Reasons to celebrate my friends

• Jason and Angela Ritter, May 11, 2012
• Seth Caplan and Melissa Whitlock, September 2, 2012
• Jen and Chris Hansen, December 22, 2012
• Andy and Yada's engagement
• Dr. Alyssa Dunn published a book
• Kathryn and Tyler Grassmeyer are expecting a baby girl in January 2013
• Sean and Amanda Casey are expecting Baby Casey in February 2013
• Jason and Angela Ritter are expecting a baby girl in May 2013.
• Erin and Tom Buller are expecting a baby girl in June 2013. Great news especially after Noah joined Mike in heaven earlier this year.

Lessons Learned

• You are stronger than you think.
• Your friends truly do love you.
• God is there.
• Never give up no matter how hard it gets.
• Wine is wonderful.

I am definitely ready to say "good riddance" to this unbelievable year. I'm praying that 2013 is full of blessing, hope, and joy.

A Special Place

My dad and I have a tradition. I am not quite sure when it started, but it's been going strong for many years now. What is it, you ask? When my mom is out of town he and I have a daddy-daughter date at Fuddruckers. Initially, we picked the place because we both like it and my mom prefers to pass it by. Yeah, I'm not sure what's wrong with her either. So, when she's away, we always plan at least one meal there. She has been in Charlotte this week, so dad and I snagged some time to go today.

I was so excited as we approached the place. You can smell all of the goodness as soon as you walk through the door. We have it all worked out. I like the kid's meal, but if I walked up and ordered it they would laugh in my face! I look younger than 30, I know, but not young enough to get the kid's meal without being questioned or flat out denied -- at least I hope not! As soon as we walk through the door, we split. Dad heads to place the order and I scurry to find a table. My order is the same every time. A kid's meal hamburger, fries and a chocolate shake. It's the perfect size and I get a little bit of everything for $5! Oh, and how can I forget the free cookie! Normally, I forfeit my cookie to my dad because the shake is enough sugar for me, but if I decide to overindulge, then it's a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie to boot!

As I write this post, I'm a little sad. Sad because my meal is over. I don't put anything on the hamburger. It is simply wonderful just as it is. Five Guys is the big and famous hamburger chain around here. I always have to doll up a Five Guys burger. Fosters, Elevation Burger, too. Nothing holds a candle to Fuddrucker's. Those buttery buns that hold the beef patty, man they are terrible for me, but oh so good! And, the fries! No need to dunk those babies in ketchup. They are seasoned perfectly, so why mess with perfection?

I reserve Fuddrucker's for only the most special men in my life. Dad and I go there at least once a year. Dude and I have been there, too.

I've decided that when I get married I am going to request that hubs and I go there for Valentine's Day. I don't believe in spending a lot of money on that "holiday", but it is nice to do a little something fun and special. It's a pain to go out to dinner, though, because the restaurants are packed and the prices are jacked way up! Not at Fuddrucker's. The buns....the fries....the shakes....Spend $5 dollars on a kid's meal for me and he will see my face light up as if he just gave me diamonds! Ok, not quite, but pretty close!

So, if you hear about me and a man going to Fuddrucker's, you know he must be someone special. That may just be the key to my heart.

Don't worry, though, I won't turn down the diamonds!