2012: Unbelievable

In reflecting on 2012, I was trying to think of how to sum it up in one word.  The first word that came to mind was horrific. While Mike's death certainly took center stage this year, other things - good and bad - occurred, so horrific didn't quite capture everything. "Unbelievable" seemed most appropriate. The highlights and low-lights of 2012 are truly unbelievable.

Highlights

• Family trip to Thailand (February 11-25): After traveling 24 hours on an airplane, we arrived in Asia for quite an adventure. All of the colors, sounds, and smells were unbelievable. I have traveled a lot of places and have never been to a place like Thailand before. Riding elephants, playing with tigers, getting custom made clothes at the tailor and feeling like a celebrity, eating Thai food at literally every meal, visiting with my friend, Yada, visiting floating markets and floating down many rivers in wooden boats or bamboo rafts --- certainly a trip of a lifetime! 

• Visiting the Beckers (April 30): Spending the whole day with the Beckers in Lawrenceville, NJ before they moved to Washington, CT. I went to lunch with Age and then spent the whole day with William and Marilee at the playground and hanging out with them on campus. At the end of the day, we walked to school to pick up Penny and get hugs just before it was time for me to go home.

• Running outside in the middle of the workday to watch the space shuttle fly by. It was so cool to see the plane flying with the shuttle on it's "back". Unbelievable! (April 17)

• Redskins games especially Monday Night Football. RG3 is UNBELIEVABLE!

• A weekend in NYC with Kathryn. I am so grateful for our friendship. (April 22-24)

• University of Richmond Homecoming 2012. Thank you, Kristen Emerson. (Nov 3)

• Moving back into my condo: Renovating the kitchen and bathroom and getting a new bed were the best decisions I made this year. 

• Summer Olympics in London.  I am an Olympic junkie. My favorite sports were gymnastics (Go Gabby Douglas) and swimming (supposedly Michael Phelps last Olympics)

Low-lights:

• April 3, 2012: My best friend left the world forever. It is still hard to believe and to wrap my mind around. It will probably always seem strange. I will miss you and love you forever, Dude.

• August 14, 2012: My godmother, Linda, went to heaven.

• October 12, 2012: Surgery #17 to remove a screw in my foot. It ended up being easier than expected, though.

• Having to sue LSAC twice

 Reasons to celebrate my friends

• Jason and Angela Ritter, May 11, 2012
• Seth Caplan and Melissa Whitlock, September 2, 2012
• Jen and Chris Hansen, December 22, 2012
• Andy and Yada's engagement
• Dr. Alyssa Dunn published a book
• Kathryn and Tyler Grassmeyer are expecting a baby girl in January 2013
• Sean and Amanda Casey are expecting Baby Casey in February 2013
• Jason and Angela Ritter are expecting a baby girl in May 2013.
• Erin and Tom Buller are expecting a baby girl in June 2013. Great news especially after Noah joined Mike in heaven earlier this year.

Lessons Learned

• You are stronger than you think.
• Your friends truly do love you.
• God is there.
• Never give up no matter how hard it gets.
• Wine is wonderful.

I am definitely ready to say "good riddance" to this unbelievable year. I'm praying that 2013 is full of blessing, hope, and joy.

Easy Button, Please.

Dear God,

All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life.  I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.

Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.

Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.

I never expected to have two surgeries within a year.  I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.

Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar.  They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school.  All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.

This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.

So tired.

Please help me.

Love, Jess

Faith and Patience

Praying sometimes feels like a one way conversation. I know God is there and listening, but I find it hard to hear Him speak back to me. It is entirely possible that I am too busy talking to take time to listen. It's also feasible that I run my mouth and then move onto the next thing completely missing what He has to say. Sometimes I wish God had Facebook, text messaging or gchat. I rarely miss a message there. But, at the same time, what does that say about me? I pay close attention to technology that often fails me and breeze by the Man who created me and loves me more than any of the people I technologically communicate with ever could.

This past month has been different, however. I hesitate to say I have been a better listener. I don't think I have been, but I have not been able to deny God's voice everyday so far. What does He say, you ask? It's a faint but audible whisper. "Faith and patience". I feel God whispering in my ear especially when the situations of the last month have seemed off-kilter or downright impossible. Everyday, I tell God that I don't understand. And, He constantly responds with the words "Faith and patience".

God, being the Man that He is, also knows that sometimes I need re-enforcements. So, what does He do? Put me in situations where I have to exercise faith and patience - situations where He can knock me on head with the message He wants to get through to me. Of course, I think this is rather comical because I feel like I practiced more than my share of patience during my recovery from surgery, but God obviously thinks I could benefit from more practice.

A couple of obvious examples come to mind. Lately, I haven't been able to sleep very well. I think a lot of it has to do with what is going on at work, so I wake up and daydream at night. (Is that really possible?) And, I just let my mind go. Over the last month, I have dreamed some seemingly impossible dreams. Dreams that I know only God can make come true. Even when my family and friends might dismiss my wild imagination,  God whispers those three pivotal words: faith and patience. With God all things are possible, so here's to those "radical dreams" coming true.

I haven't taken the opportunity to tell all of you that I am doing pretty well with my recovery. My canes are back as my main mode of transportation from here to there with the wheelchair trailing behind "just in case". For this, I am so thankful. (I leave for Thailand in 2.5 weeks so my mobility is particularly important) While I am able to hold my body up and put one foot in front of the other with little difficulty, my strength has still not returned 100%. This has become evident when I am working out with my trainer. Jon will ask me to do something that I have repeatedly done successfully before my surgery and I struggle at even the thought of attempting the exercise. After 45 minutes of exercise, I am panting, sweat drips down my face, and I am on verge of tears thanks to the physical, mental and emotional exhaustion of the workout. It's not attractive and has been a source of discouragement and loss of self-confidence. I get frustrated when I walk slower than a turtle without my canes from one side of the room to the other. Four months ago, I could have walked a whole block in Old Town in the amount of time it took me to get from point A to point B in the gym. There are times during the workout when I just want to collapse on the floor in a pool of tears and give up. But, I hear "faith and patience" and keep going despite the fact that a frustrated expression feels plastered on my face. Today was the first day I have made real noticeable progress, so God's three words to me are clearly at work.

I am confident that God is going to put me in more of these situations. A 24 hour flight to Thailand is an exercise in faith and patience if I've seen one! My hope is that I will continue to pay attention to that whisper. I've asked for an audible message for years, I've got one, and I better pay attention! And, while I had wished it would come in the form of email, Facebook, or gchat (silly, I know), God's voice in my ear is far better. I can hear it anywhere. I don't have to be connected to technology to receive the message.

Unplugged

We're now one week into 2012 and I've been doing some serious thinking about my hopes and dreams - commitments and resolutions - for this new year.  Last week , I posted about those and hope to stay committed to them. But, this week, as I mourned the end of the Christmas season and helped pack away all of the decorations, I felt convicted. One of the most exciting parts of Christmas for me is checking the mail everyday. I love to flip through what fell through the mail slot and find what I think are the Christmas cards! I anxiously rip open the envelopes secretly hoping for a beautiful photo card or one of those long letters that details what seems like every hour of a family's last 365 days. After admiring the photos or the card that housed the annual Christmas letter, the card is placed on the window for all to see. As we get closer and closer to Jesus' birthday, the windows are packed with smiles and cheer that I admire every time I walk into the room.

So, why is it that most people put forth so much effort to send cards during the Christmas season and every other time of the year it is perfectly acceptable to just send some sort of electronic greeting? Now, I must say, I am a bit of a hypocrite in writing this post. I loved receiving all of the cards, but this year I did not personally send any. My family sent cards to people we don't regularly see, but I sat on my butt for over 8 weeks and did not take the time to compose a single Christmas card to any of my friends. Lazy, I know! However, as I was recovering, a few people took the time to send me get well cards. One of my friends sent me a card once a week. I looked forward to this cheer. It made a difference in my day. Don't get me wrong, the electronic greetings were nice too (Thank you!). There's just something about seeing a person's face or their handwriting that seems to make that greeting extra special.

Given these two recent experiences (Christmas and recovery), I am going to be more unplugged this year. I have a love-hate relationship with technology, but still have no intention of abandoning it. But it' s time for me to not use it as a crutch. You know what I am talking about. The thought that passes through your mind, 'Well, I wished her "Happy Birthday" on Facebook that should be enough". Well, this year when it comes to my family and friends, using technology to express such sentiments is personally not enough! I remember the feeling I got when I received a card in the mail.   It's time for me to pay that feeling forward to the people who mean the most to me.

So, friends, check your mailboxes this year! Of course, it'll be full of junk and bills, but every once and awhile, you will get a little surprise from me! If I keep up with my commitment to be more unplugged, I should also be able to wipe number four off of my list!

12 in '12

I'm very good at making lists and then putting them to the side and never looking at them again. I make a list for the sake of making a list, not because I will actually refer to the list later to see if everything on it has been accomplished. So, here we are, the first day of a new year and what am I doing -- making a list! Six things I am looking forward to in 2012; six things I resolve to do in 2012. The hope is that I can't lose this electronic list and more importantly, my blog fans (Do I have any?) will help keep me accountable.

Looking forward to...
1. Being 30! I am so hopeful for my 30th year and this new decade in my life!

2. Thailand. My family and I are vacationing there in February. We have never been to Asia. Despite the 23 hour flight, I am psyched to explore this part of the world.

3. Being with my teammate for life. That's what I call my future husband. Even-numbered years have always been great years for me, so I expect to be in a long-term relationship by the end of the year.

4. Advancing my career. I am not exactly sure what this will look like, but it's time for me to look out for myself professionally.

5. Moving back into my condo. As soon as I am fully recovered from my surgery, back to Old Town I will go!

6. Making improvements in my condo. My tenant did some damage. Instead of being upset, I am looking at it as an opportunity to freshen things up and make it my place again. 


I resolve to...
1. Find a church home. I'm been "church shopping" for a little while now and this year I want to find a place that I can call my church home.

2. Have more consistent quiet times: I love to talk to God, but reading and studying the Bible often gets pushed aside for other less important activities.

3. Do more cardio at the gym. At least 2 times per week

4. Lay the groundwork for my foundation. In 2011, I got some good leads but got really overwhelmed by all that is involved in starting a foundation. In 2012, I resolve to take it one step at a time.
 
5. Be more organized. I hate clutter. I feel like my room at my parents' house and part of my condo is a disaster thanks to clutter. No more.

6. Be more comfortable being alone. I love having my own place, but I am terrible at making time for being by myself. Alone time is just as important as being in community. I can't shy away from it.