Dear God,
All I want for Christmas is an "easy button". Two thousand and twelve has been hard - the hardest and worst year of my life. I am normally not one to shy away from a challenge, but I am tired. I had to fight the first three months of my life just to stay alive. The doctors told my parents I would never walk or talk. I defied those odds. Now, it's hard to get me to shut up and I am learning to walk without my canes. I fought and You were there so I could win the battle. But now I am tired. 2012 has worn me out. I have had to not just punch, but all out battle this year. I am worn out. I am asking for an "easy button" for Christmas. I know everything won't be a cake walk, but I'd really appreciate some blessings on some big things in 2013.
Let's just talk about this for a second. Thailand was the highlight of 2012. The only highlight. I've spent all my energy on the challenges of 2012 - Dude and his death, my surgery and the LSAT. We'll break this down one at a time.
Life with Dude was hard and scary at the end, but the love, joy, laughter, and happiness of the last 12 years outweigh the challenges in the end. In fact, the last week I talked to him may have been the most meaningful. He probably planned it that way. I am so thankful to him for all that he did for me, but sometimes I get really angry about what he did to himself. I don't blame you for that, God. At least not most days. I think your heart breaks for what happened, too. But, I wish you would have stopped it. I pray that I would make sense of what happened.
Dude was my very best friend. It kills me when I hear people talking about spending the rest of their life with their best friend. All I can think when I hear that is "Well, good for you. My best friend didn't just die, he took his own life. You get to marry yours. I got to bury mine." I have lots of ideas to keep Dude's spirit alive, but they are big ideas! There could be many obstacles associated with them. Please clear the way for something really meaningful and wonderful to be done in his memory. Help me to move forward with his spirit in my heart. I fear having to shove half my life in the closet in order to move forward. That's not true, but that's what it seems like. It's certainly challenging to figure out how to handle the situation, what steps need to be taken to move forward, and at what pace to do that. Clarity is requested. Easy button, please.
I never expected to have two surgeries within a year. I had made so much progress with my walking then got slammed with a major surgery. Just when I start to regain strength, the screws start popping out of the bone and it's time to go under the knife again. I haven't been able to recover enough from the first surgery to regain my strength and walking ability back. I am willing to work hard, but am hoping to see some more progress.
I am also tired of my stomach hurting. The doctor says there is nothing he can do for me short of replacing my metabolism. Unfortunately, all of the things in your body that you can replace, you can't trade in your metabolism. Gonna need some divine intervention on that one, thanks.
Lastly, the LSAT. You know it has always been a dream of mine to go to law school. I finally feel like You are guiding me in that direction, but this LSAT business is getting complicated. In the last two days, I have had to present two cases - one for the disability attorney and one for the Department of Justice -- to explain my situation. I never wanted to have to do this, but the schools say I have to in order to get my accommodations for the bar. They also comment on how it is great experience to prepare me for law school. All of this money spent and experience I am getting preparing cases will be wonderful if I actually get into law school. But, if this LSAT craziness bars me from admission, this girl will not be happy. I have worked so hard to study for this test and now I have to prepare these cases and then pray that they are done in time for me to take the February test! Oh, and I probably have to take the February test and miss the rodeo. I wanted to put those books away and head to Texas! This whole thing is so crazy, it's comical. I try to laugh more than I cry, but I am running out of patience.
This may seem kind of whiny and like I want life to be easy. To a certain extent, that's true! The thing is I am not asking for things to just be handed to me, but I am tired of having to fight so hard. The more I fight, the more You are glorified. I get it. But, I am tired. I wasn't going to write all of this down, but I am hoping that one day I will look back on it and see how you have answered with abundant blessings. You say, "..rejoice in our sufferings because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4. I've tried so hard to stay positive and rejoice. But this girl is not singing very loudly. I am tired.
So tired.
Please help me.
Love, Jess
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Friday, December 21, 2012
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Perfectly Human: Skiing
My friend, Amy Julia Becker, asked me to be a guest blogger and write a post for the "Perfectly Human" portion of her blog. "This weekly feature is intended to provide a picture of life with a disability in all its possibilities and limitations, gifts and struggles"(Becker). My first post for Amy Julia sparked my interest in started my own blog. She recently asked me to write a post that detailed my adventures in skiing. In case any of you were interested in more details of my skiing experience, here is what I contributed to the Perfectly Human weekly feature.
For years, I attended a ski trip hosted by a Christian organization. I didn't go skiing. In fact, I never made it to the mountain. But the day after my 29th birthday, I made a list of things I wanted to do before I was 40 (30 seemed far too close) and somehow learning to ski made it close to the top of the list. Many of my friends were discussing ski weekends they were planning for the winter and I didn't want to miss out! I started exploring adaptive ski programs and found one in Killington, VT where my friends had planned to go.
Prior to my trip, I went to Ski Chalet and purchased all of the garments necessary to keep me warm. The morning I woke up to go skiing my friends laughed as I piled on layer upon layer. When I arrived at the lodge, I was greeted by my instructor, John. He handed me goggles, found a helmet to fit my head, and the two of us headed off to get fitted for my ski boots and skis. It was a struggle to finagle my feet into those boots. Once they were on, I had to learn how to walk and balance myself at the same time. I likened the walk in ski boots to that of when I have orthopedic surgery and my doctor requires I wear a cam walker boot. The difficulty walking paled in comparison to the pride I felt that I looked just like every other skier in the lodge. I even had my own skis!
John and I headed out on the snow. I had a couple of options. The first was to have skis on my feet but use outriggers as my ski poles. These outriggers were the same height as my canes and had little skis on the bottom of them. I thought this would work out well because it would be similar to how I walk with canes (just on snow). But it didn't work out as I had hoped. My right leg naturally turns in a little bit causing me to cross my skis. That option was out. A second option was to use this device similar to a walker, but still have normal skis on my feet. Again, crossing my skis prevented this from being the most viable option. The last and best option was a bi-ski. A bi-ski is a sit ski with a bucket seat and two skis that can be used independently and with hand held outriggers. The bi-ski also has a handle at the back, allowing someone to push you down the mountain if necessary. Since my arms are strong but my legs are weak, the bi-ski was the most realistic option.
After getting situated in the bi-ski and adjusting the outriggers, John began to fasten the straps. A strap across my feet, two across my chest, a few across my waist...I wondered how I was going to be able to move, but somehow I could. My arms were free to use the outriggers and although the straps were tight, I was comforted to know that if I fell, I was not going anywhere! John pushed me up to the lift, lifted me on, and up the mountain we went to begin training on the bunny slope. I felt SO cool on the lift. I was a real skier sharing in the same experience everyone was having that day. Just because I had a disability didn't make me different. Yeah, I sat down to ski, but that didn't bother me. Other than that, my experience was the same as my fellow skiers.
We exited the lift and practiced on the bunny slope. I got used to using the outriggers and even wiped out one time. I tipped over but didn't hurt my body at all thanks to the straps! After a morning of practice, I was good enough to head to the green trails. At the mountain top, John guided me (by holding onto the handle of the bi-ski) and yelled instructions on which outrigger to use as we skied down the mountain.
"Sharp left, sharp right, keep your outrigger out and down on the snow," he yelled. I sliced through the powder and made it to the bottom. It felt amazing to have accomplished something I never thought I could do. I was no longer hanging out in the lodge. I was out on the snow with everyone else. I loved it, and by the end of the day, I had made plans to return to the mountain again.
My second trip to Pico, I felt comfortable and confident. I knew that I could ski. This time we went straight to the blue trails. Thankfully, John was guiding me because it was icy and we were smokin' down the mountain! We ran the blue trails all day long. The next day when I returned home, I was sore. SO sore. Every joint and muscle on my left side hurt. My body reeked of menthol. I used up every ounce of hot water in the house, soaking in the tub, trying to ease the aches and pains. But it was all so worth it. While I needed a little assistance to accomplish my goal of learning to ski, I did it. I no longer let my disability confine me to the lodge. My perseverance and determination launched me to the top of the mountain, down, and of course, right back up again!
Prior to my trip, I went to Ski Chalet and purchased all of the garments necessary to keep me warm. The morning I woke up to go skiing my friends laughed as I piled on layer upon layer. When I arrived at the lodge, I was greeted by my instructor, John. He handed me goggles, found a helmet to fit my head, and the two of us headed off to get fitted for my ski boots and skis. It was a struggle to finagle my feet into those boots. Once they were on, I had to learn how to walk and balance myself at the same time. I likened the walk in ski boots to that of when I have orthopedic surgery and my doctor requires I wear a cam walker boot. The difficulty walking paled in comparison to the pride I felt that I looked just like every other skier in the lodge. I even had my own skis!
John and I headed out on the snow. I had a couple of options. The first was to have skis on my feet but use outriggers as my ski poles. These outriggers were the same height as my canes and had little skis on the bottom of them. I thought this would work out well because it would be similar to how I walk with canes (just on snow). But it didn't work out as I had hoped. My right leg naturally turns in a little bit causing me to cross my skis. That option was out. A second option was to use this device similar to a walker, but still have normal skis on my feet. Again, crossing my skis prevented this from being the most viable option. The last and best option was a bi-ski. A bi-ski is a sit ski with a bucket seat and two skis that can be used independently and with hand held outriggers. The bi-ski also has a handle at the back, allowing someone to push you down the mountain if necessary. Since my arms are strong but my legs are weak, the bi-ski was the most realistic option.
After getting situated in the bi-ski and adjusting the outriggers, John began to fasten the straps. A strap across my feet, two across my chest, a few across my waist...I wondered how I was going to be able to move, but somehow I could. My arms were free to use the outriggers and although the straps were tight, I was comforted to know that if I fell, I was not going anywhere! John pushed me up to the lift, lifted me on, and up the mountain we went to begin training on the bunny slope. I felt SO cool on the lift. I was a real skier sharing in the same experience everyone was having that day. Just because I had a disability didn't make me different. Yeah, I sat down to ski, but that didn't bother me. Other than that, my experience was the same as my fellow skiers.
We exited the lift and practiced on the bunny slope. I got used to using the outriggers and even wiped out one time. I tipped over but didn't hurt my body at all thanks to the straps! After a morning of practice, I was good enough to head to the green trails. At the mountain top, John guided me (by holding onto the handle of the bi-ski) and yelled instructions on which outrigger to use as we skied down the mountain.
"Sharp left, sharp right, keep your outrigger out and down on the snow," he yelled. I sliced through the powder and made it to the bottom. It felt amazing to have accomplished something I never thought I could do. I was no longer hanging out in the lodge. I was out on the snow with everyone else. I loved it, and by the end of the day, I had made plans to return to the mountain again.
My second trip to Pico, I felt comfortable and confident. I knew that I could ski. This time we went straight to the blue trails. Thankfully, John was guiding me because it was icy and we were smokin' down the mountain! We ran the blue trails all day long. The next day when I returned home, I was sore. SO sore. Every joint and muscle on my left side hurt. My body reeked of menthol. I used up every ounce of hot water in the house, soaking in the tub, trying to ease the aches and pains. But it was all so worth it. While I needed a little assistance to accomplish my goal of learning to ski, I did it. I no longer let my disability confine me to the lodge. My perseverance and determination launched me to the top of the mountain, down, and of course, right back up again!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Ding
Those of you who know me know that I don't like to be associated with my disability. It's not that I don't believe it is there. I know it is. I know I walk best with my canes. But, I don't like to think of the limits it places on me. I don't like to think of it as a problem. "Glee" coined the term "handicapable" and I really really like that. I am more capable than I am disabled.
While I am grateful to my physical therapists who worked with me for many years to get me in the physical condition I am in today, I am not a fan of physical therapy. You need a prescription to go to physical therapy. The doctor has to decide that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. But, PT is not something everyone can go to. That's the reason I am not a fan of it. I was thrilled the day I "graduated" from physical therapy!
Just because I don't have a doctor's order that specifically discusses the proper course to continue to improve my physical condition, doesn't mean I am excused from physical exercise. Since I am the most unmotivated person you will ever meet if left me to my own devices to work out and since I am not easily able to exercise independently, as much as I was not a fan of PT, I do have to admit that my workout routines are much more effective and beneficial with assistance.
So, now I work out with a personal trainer at Fitness Together in Old Town Alexandria. I.LOVE.IT. My very first trainer there, Tim, paid no attention to my disability, challenged me just as he did his other clients, and pushed me everyday to walk without my canes. Within four months, I was walking 4 blocks of uneven pavement filled with crooked and broken bricks sans canes! It was so exciting because walking outside without my canes was something I never thought I could do! My dad and I continued to practice (We need to get back to that) and I was doing so well that one day we drove home without my canes. We realized about 30 minutes later that we'd left them in a field. Thankfully, when we returned to the scene, they were still there. Who'd want to steal canes anyway? But, hey, you never know!
Tim left and I felt like a revolving door as I got passed from trainer to trainer until a steady replacement could be found. Now, I have Chris. I used to think Tim was tough, but then Chris came. Oh boy! And, let me tell you, I can't "hate" Chris because he is so nice and pushes me to continually improve everyday. Chris also has as much patience as an ocean has water! (He calls it stubbornness) Quite often I will shoot Chris a look that says, "Are you CRAZY?!", but secretly inside I am thankful that he has the confidence in my abilities to challenge me in the way he does. He, like Tim, ignores my disability and treats me just like he does his other clients. I love that about him but it also means my body "hurts so good" the next day.
My workouts are tough. Who would have ever thought I could walk without my canes carrying a 25lb kettle bell in each hand? I walk sooooooo slowly I almost annoy myself to pieces, but when I reach the goal, I pant and rejoice like someone who just won a marathon! A walk outside without a fall or stumble is chalked up as a success. Lifting and lowering my own body weight using the TRX results in difficulty in lifting my arms above my head the next day. Chris sets his blackberry to ding 15 minutes prior to my session's end. Many a day, I wait for the ding! That quick, relatively quiet beep sounds like angels singing the Hallelujah chorus in the midst of a workout with Chris! But, I love it. I am being challenged and improving in ways I haven't been for a long time.
Then there's the cardio...This is a necessary evil. I do not like cardio. It's boring to me. You don't go anywhere. You just keep moving on the same machine with no destination in mind. To distract myself from how much I hate this but how good it is for my love handles and for continued strength and flexibility, I strike up conversations with the other FT members and have made a few good workout buddies.
For the majority of the day today, my arms were sore and my quads were on fire! But, the hurt is good. The hurt means I am working muscles that are weak. The warmer weather not only signals swimsuit season which should be motivation in itself, but it also means Chris and I get more time outside to practice walking! San canes and without physical therapy, I feel so free!
I do, however, thank my PTs for getting me to where I am today and do hold one phyiscal therapist close to my heart.
While I am grateful to my physical therapists who worked with me for many years to get me in the physical condition I am in today, I am not a fan of physical therapy. You need a prescription to go to physical therapy. The doctor has to decide that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. But, PT is not something everyone can go to. That's the reason I am not a fan of it. I was thrilled the day I "graduated" from physical therapy!
Just because I don't have a doctor's order that specifically discusses the proper course to continue to improve my physical condition, doesn't mean I am excused from physical exercise. Since I am the most unmotivated person you will ever meet if left me to my own devices to work out and since I am not easily able to exercise independently, as much as I was not a fan of PT, I do have to admit that my workout routines are much more effective and beneficial with assistance.
So, now I work out with a personal trainer at Fitness Together in Old Town Alexandria. I.LOVE.IT. My very first trainer there, Tim, paid no attention to my disability, challenged me just as he did his other clients, and pushed me everyday to walk without my canes. Within four months, I was walking 4 blocks of uneven pavement filled with crooked and broken bricks sans canes! It was so exciting because walking outside without my canes was something I never thought I could do! My dad and I continued to practice (We need to get back to that) and I was doing so well that one day we drove home without my canes. We realized about 30 minutes later that we'd left them in a field. Thankfully, when we returned to the scene, they were still there. Who'd want to steal canes anyway? But, hey, you never know!
Tim left and I felt like a revolving door as I got passed from trainer to trainer until a steady replacement could be found. Now, I have Chris. I used to think Tim was tough, but then Chris came. Oh boy! And, let me tell you, I can't "hate" Chris because he is so nice and pushes me to continually improve everyday. Chris also has as much patience as an ocean has water! (He calls it stubbornness) Quite often I will shoot Chris a look that says, "Are you CRAZY?!", but secretly inside I am thankful that he has the confidence in my abilities to challenge me in the way he does. He, like Tim, ignores my disability and treats me just like he does his other clients. I love that about him but it also means my body "hurts so good" the next day.
My workouts are tough. Who would have ever thought I could walk without my canes carrying a 25lb kettle bell in each hand? I walk sooooooo slowly I almost annoy myself to pieces, but when I reach the goal, I pant and rejoice like someone who just won a marathon! A walk outside without a fall or stumble is chalked up as a success. Lifting and lowering my own body weight using the TRX results in difficulty in lifting my arms above my head the next day. Chris sets his blackberry to ding 15 minutes prior to my session's end. Many a day, I wait for the ding! That quick, relatively quiet beep sounds like angels singing the Hallelujah chorus in the midst of a workout with Chris! But, I love it. I am being challenged and improving in ways I haven't been for a long time.
Then there's the cardio...This is a necessary evil. I do not like cardio. It's boring to me. You don't go anywhere. You just keep moving on the same machine with no destination in mind. To distract myself from how much I hate this but how good it is for my love handles and for continued strength and flexibility, I strike up conversations with the other FT members and have made a few good workout buddies.
For the majority of the day today, my arms were sore and my quads were on fire! But, the hurt is good. The hurt means I am working muscles that are weak. The warmer weather not only signals swimsuit season which should be motivation in itself, but it also means Chris and I get more time outside to practice walking! San canes and without physical therapy, I feel so free!
I do, however, thank my PTs for getting me to where I am today and do hold one phyiscal therapist close to my heart.
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