Last week marked 15 months since Dude left the world. Not a day goes by that I do not think about him, what happened, and how this has changed my life – and all of the lives of those who loved him – forever. I/we are different now. One devastatingly tragic moment resulted in gradual change.
It used to be that the physical and emotional pain was palpable and constant. It wouldn’t let up. I thought it would never end. I literally thought I would die. I wanted to die. I would never take my own life, but I didn’t think I’d have to do that. In my mind, there was no possible way I could survive such a tragedy. The expression “Good grief!” would come to mind and all I could think was there is NOTHING good about grief! (I know that’s not what that expression intends but that’s what I would think.)
Now, it is not as bad. There are certainly horrendous things about grief, especially deep grief. There are more awful consequences in dealing with the death as a suicide. It is incomprehensible that Dude would deliberately and intentionally chose to leave the world forever. He definitely wanted to die, and that is just heartbreaking and tragic and all things horrible. I’d be fooling myself if I said one day it would make sense. It won’t, at least not on earth. I’d be deceiving myself if I said the pain and the emptiness will go away. It will always be present to some degree. You can’t just “get over” or recover from the loss of someone you loved so deeply. He will never meet my husband or my children. That makes me sad. But he wants me to be happy. He wants me to move forward. Amidst the pain, there is some goodness in grief.
Grief is an excellent teacher. From the start of this journey, I’ve been advised to live one day at a time. That is so hard for me. I am impatient. I was born 13.5 weeks early. I like to GO! But this attitude means I miss things. It means I rush. I don’t fully appreciate what is in front of me. In grief, it is impossible to speed through life. You.Just.Can’t. Some days, especially early on, it seems like a huge accomplishment to get dressed. I’ve had to slow down. I’ve had to spend time with myself. I’ve had to think about what is really important in life. Who is really important in life. I’ve learned who I can depend on and who I should probably let go. Those are important lessons.
You gain a new perspective on life. I know life can change in an instant. I realize the people who are important are really important. I want to spend time with them, celebrate them, love them, appreciate them because even in the best of times, they could be gone so quickly. I don’t take the days or people in my life for granted as much as I used to before this. The simple things in life have much greater meaning – the beauty of the sunset, the warmth of a sunny day, the gentle breeze that blows through my hair, the snuggles from our dogs are taken in with much deeper gratitude.
There are days that are still hard. Days when I look around and think I can’t believe this happened!! I can’t believe he is gone. He is not gone. Oh, but he is gone. There are days when his friends and family and I cry together. Days when a slight smile is all I can muster. Days when we nearly bust a gut laughing at a memory Dude left with us. Days when a big ‘ole grin is plastered on my face after learning that someone else donated to his scholarship. Someone else remembered him. That is comforting. This is the “new normal” now.
I wish that I could have learned these lessons another way. I wish it wasn’t at the expense of losing Dude. But just as his smile, love and the memories we shared will remain in my heart, so too, will what I have learned from this horrific experience. I guess there is some goodness in grief.
I love you, Dude, and I miss you every day.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Dumping Diet Coke
Diet Coke and I had a serious relationship for many years. I don't know how long, but it was a long time. I loved that silver and red can. I loved listening to the crack as I pulled back the tab to reveal the liquid goodness. I loved the bubbles. The taste. The fact that I could enjoy that beverage without consuming any calories. Zero. It was glorious.
I could sometimes consume two (or three...) a day and not even feel one tinge of guilt....until my mother would witness me consume this beverage. I must have had a bit of an addiction because I would often make a point not to drink Diet Coke when she was around me. I'd keep it at my condo or drink it out with friends, but not in my mom's presence. As I type this, I am thinking that I sound like an alcoholic, but I really was a Diet Coke-aholic. I would wake up and have one first thing in the morning. I claimed it was because I wanted the caffeine. Some people drink coffee. I drank Diet Coke. I think the real reason was because I just really enjoyed the taste and needed my "fix" to start the day off right.
My family and I were on vacation in Aruba in April. We ate every meal together. Every meal I would get a Diet Coke. We were at an all inclusive, which means you can have whatever you want food and drink wise whenever you want. It is a fantastic concept except for the fact that you can gain a lot of weight if you're not careful! To balance out my ridiculous calorie consumption, I drank Diet Coke. But remember my mom was with me. And she loves to get on me about drinking Diet Coke.
"Don't you know that that stuff is known to cause brain tumors?"
"Do you want to die early?"
"They say drinking diet soda makes you actually gain weight."
"No soda is healthy for you, but diet soda is really bad.
"There's something in that soda that makes you hungry" -- My friend from grad school and I used to try to test the "Diet Coke makes you hungrier theory" and sadly, our experiment produced positive results.
Anyway, I had to listen to this every day for a week. My mom is an elementary school teacher. That means she will say the same thing three or four different ways if you don't give her the response she wants! It's annoying. I got tired of it. So, on the airplane ride home, I told her I would quit drinking Diet Coke!
I didn't intend to actually do it. I intended to try to do it.
My boss used to drink at least 4 Diet Cokes a day. I used to know she was in her office in the morning before I even saw her because I would hear the crack of that silver, red, and black can. All of the sudden, when I returned from Aruba, I no longer heard the crack. I asked her if she was still drinking Diet Coke. Her response was "No, I heard something about how it can make you store fat. I don't need any help storing fat, so I quit."
"It's only been two days, but I am trying to quit, too. After what you just told me, true or not, I think I am going to try harder", I said.
Then I started to feel much better. I hated to admit that I was feeling good thanks to no Diet Coke. I wasn't as hungry. And, as time went on, I didn't really miss it. I was shocked at myself!!
This weekend, I went to the movies and split a drink with a friend. She got a Diet Coke. I took one sip and regretted the decision. I was hoping to embrace the soda like a long lost friend. But, I didn't want anything to do with it. It tasted like a science experiment!!
It's been 90 days since I've cracked open a can of Diet Coke. I quit cold turkey and don't miss it at all. We're done. Forever. And, I am not sad. I feel better than ever.
I could sometimes consume two (or three...) a day and not even feel one tinge of guilt....until my mother would witness me consume this beverage. I must have had a bit of an addiction because I would often make a point not to drink Diet Coke when she was around me. I'd keep it at my condo or drink it out with friends, but not in my mom's presence. As I type this, I am thinking that I sound like an alcoholic, but I really was a Diet Coke-aholic. I would wake up and have one first thing in the morning. I claimed it was because I wanted the caffeine. Some people drink coffee. I drank Diet Coke. I think the real reason was because I just really enjoyed the taste and needed my "fix" to start the day off right.
My family and I were on vacation in Aruba in April. We ate every meal together. Every meal I would get a Diet Coke. We were at an all inclusive, which means you can have whatever you want food and drink wise whenever you want. It is a fantastic concept except for the fact that you can gain a lot of weight if you're not careful! To balance out my ridiculous calorie consumption, I drank Diet Coke. But remember my mom was with me. And she loves to get on me about drinking Diet Coke.
"Don't you know that that stuff is known to cause brain tumors?"
"Do you want to die early?"
"They say drinking diet soda makes you actually gain weight."
"No soda is healthy for you, but diet soda is really bad.
"There's something in that soda that makes you hungry" -- My friend from grad school and I used to try to test the "Diet Coke makes you hungrier theory" and sadly, our experiment produced positive results.
Anyway, I had to listen to this every day for a week. My mom is an elementary school teacher. That means she will say the same thing three or four different ways if you don't give her the response she wants! It's annoying. I got tired of it. So, on the airplane ride home, I told her I would quit drinking Diet Coke!
I didn't intend to actually do it. I intended to try to do it.
My boss used to drink at least 4 Diet Cokes a day. I used to know she was in her office in the morning before I even saw her because I would hear the crack of that silver, red, and black can. All of the sudden, when I returned from Aruba, I no longer heard the crack. I asked her if she was still drinking Diet Coke. Her response was "No, I heard something about how it can make you store fat. I don't need any help storing fat, so I quit."
"It's only been two days, but I am trying to quit, too. After what you just told me, true or not, I think I am going to try harder", I said.
Then I started to feel much better. I hated to admit that I was feeling good thanks to no Diet Coke. I wasn't as hungry. And, as time went on, I didn't really miss it. I was shocked at myself!!
This weekend, I went to the movies and split a drink with a friend. She got a Diet Coke. I took one sip and regretted the decision. I was hoping to embrace the soda like a long lost friend. But, I didn't want anything to do with it. It tasted like a science experiment!!
It's been 90 days since I've cracked open a can of Diet Coke. I quit cold turkey and don't miss it at all. We're done. Forever. And, I am not sad. I feel better than ever.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Day 30: What I Love About Life Right Now
Whew! We made it through the challenge. I, unfortunately, did skip 3 days which was unintentional, but this is the most I've blogged consistently and I enjoyed it. Thanks Katie for setting up everything - especially the link up.
Okay, on to the question. Well, if you've been following this blog for awhile you probably know that I am not loving life right now. Dude's death has been the most life altering and tragic event of my entire life. Getting into law school (Not in yet. I'll know in August) has been an unnecessary struggle that has brought out determination, persistence, and perseverance in me that I never knew I had. My parents' health issues have forced me to take control of emergency situations and remain calm and stable. All of these unfortunate situations have brought out a different part of me. More strength. More resilience. More confidence. More determination. More boldness. More persistence and perseverance. More love. More gratitude. More prayer. More support from my friends and my family -- even from my prospective law schools.
Life is not the brightest these days. It's not all that smooth. But... I am learning about myself. I am pushing myself beyond my limits. I am leaning on God. I am determined not to give up on anything. And all of those are good things. Do I love that all of these scary and tragic situations have brought me to this place? Nope. But, I am making the most of them and becoming a better me. That's something to love.
Okay, on to the question. Well, if you've been following this blog for awhile you probably know that I am not loving life right now. Dude's death has been the most life altering and tragic event of my entire life. Getting into law school (Not in yet. I'll know in August) has been an unnecessary struggle that has brought out determination, persistence, and perseverance in me that I never knew I had. My parents' health issues have forced me to take control of emergency situations and remain calm and stable. All of these unfortunate situations have brought out a different part of me. More strength. More resilience. More confidence. More determination. More boldness. More persistence and perseverance. More love. More gratitude. More prayer. More support from my friends and my family -- even from my prospective law schools.
Life is not the brightest these days. It's not all that smooth. But... I am learning about myself. I am pushing myself beyond my limits. I am leaning on God. I am determined not to give up on anything. And all of those are good things. Do I love that all of these scary and tragic situations have brought me to this place? Nope. But, I am making the most of them and becoming a better me. That's something to love.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Day 29: My Favorite Performance or Show
First of all, I apologize for skipping yesterday. We had terrible thunderstorms in DC and the power was knocked out until about an hour ago. It turns out our neighborhood power outage was caused by a tree in my parents' front yard. Ooops! It's technically not our fault because the city is expected to maintain this tree, but anyway, we are real popular in the neighborhood right now. Not!
Anyway, so my picking my favorite show or performance is very difficult. I think the first concert I went to was Celine Dion in seventh grade. But my parents also tell stories of taking me to see orchestras and my pretending to be the conductor throughout the performance. I have always loved music from a very early age.
As a gift to my parents (and myself) I get them a subscription to the Kennedy Center, our main performing arts center in DC. This means we get to see about 6 or 7 shows a year. Just last week in fact, we went to see "Anything Goes". It was really fantastic, but not my favorite show. I think my favorite show might be "Memphis". "Memphis" is based on the story of this white DJ, Dewey, who was one of the first white DJs to play black music in the 1950s. I grew up loving Motown and am the daughter of a white mother and black father, so that might be one reason why I love this show. It did win a Tony for Best Musical in 2010, so obviously, I am not the only one who enjoys this show. I have seen it on Broadway as well as in DC and I'd see it again.
If you get the opportunity, check this out. You won't be disappointed.
Anyway, so my picking my favorite show or performance is very difficult. I think the first concert I went to was Celine Dion in seventh grade. But my parents also tell stories of taking me to see orchestras and my pretending to be the conductor throughout the performance. I have always loved music from a very early age.
As a gift to my parents (and myself) I get them a subscription to the Kennedy Center, our main performing arts center in DC. This means we get to see about 6 or 7 shows a year. Just last week in fact, we went to see "Anything Goes". It was really fantastic, but not my favorite show. I think my favorite show might be "Memphis". "Memphis" is based on the story of this white DJ, Dewey, who was one of the first white DJs to play black music in the 1950s. I grew up loving Motown and am the daughter of a white mother and black father, so that might be one reason why I love this show. It did win a Tony for Best Musical in 2010, so obviously, I am not the only one who enjoys this show. I have seen it on Broadway as well as in DC and I'd see it again.
If you get the opportunity, check this out. You won't be disappointed.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Day 27: My Pets
Sorry to post so late. I am sick and have a headache the size of Texas. Being sick in the summer is really no fun, but I am at my parents' house. That means our dogs are the best nurses.
We have two dogs: a four year old Westie named Zoe and a 2 year old Wired Fox Terrier named Phoebe. Zoe has shown me that I am going to be an overprotective mother. I found Zoe online and had to do all of this research to make sure she was from a legitimate breeder and not a puppy mill. I don't think I've ever done so much research in my life. I felt like I was playing detective trying to find out all of the facts. It turns out she was legit, so I made plans to bring her to DC from Kansas. That was quite a trip in itself!
In order to bring Zoe to the East Coast, I had to purchase a ticket in Pet Class on Delta. She had quite the trip. She left her birth city and drove 3 hours to get to the airport. Then she flew from Kansas City to Dallas. Zoe had a two hour layover in Dallas (I was so nervous they'd forget to put her on the plane!), and then embarked on the last leg to DC. When she got to DC, we met her in baggage claim. One of the airline employees brought her out and she was perfect -- happy, healthy, and clean. We weren't sure what to name her out of three names. Upon presenting the names to the baggage handler, he said "She looks like a Zoe!" He was right and that was her name.
Zoe is a beautiful dog with a laid back personality. I think that's how she survived the plane ride so well.
Phoebe is a different story. Phoebe originally lived across the street from my parents. She was the "daughter" of a gay couple, Mike and Gerardo. Mike flew to Chicago and back in one day to get Phoebe. Mike and Gerardo worked everyday, so my mom would go and get Phoebe to play with Zoe during the day. One day, they didn't call to come and get her and Phoebe stayed at our house for 5 days!! Dad decided to walk her across the street (home) and told them that if they didn't have time to take care of her, we would take her! They thought about it for a day or two and then she officially became ours. This was huge news because my dad's motto was always "One wife. One daughter. One dog. " Now he has two dogs! As far as I know, he doesn't have two wives or daughters. :)
Phoebe is wild and crazy and spunky. She is the opposite of Zoe. The drive each other crazy and are a joy to us. We are so happy to have both of them as a part of our family.
We have two dogs: a four year old Westie named Zoe and a 2 year old Wired Fox Terrier named Phoebe. Zoe has shown me that I am going to be an overprotective mother. I found Zoe online and had to do all of this research to make sure she was from a legitimate breeder and not a puppy mill. I don't think I've ever done so much research in my life. I felt like I was playing detective trying to find out all of the facts. It turns out she was legit, so I made plans to bring her to DC from Kansas. That was quite a trip in itself!
In order to bring Zoe to the East Coast, I had to purchase a ticket in Pet Class on Delta. She had quite the trip. She left her birth city and drove 3 hours to get to the airport. Then she flew from Kansas City to Dallas. Zoe had a two hour layover in Dallas (I was so nervous they'd forget to put her on the plane!), and then embarked on the last leg to DC. When she got to DC, we met her in baggage claim. One of the airline employees brought her out and she was perfect -- happy, healthy, and clean. We weren't sure what to name her out of three names. Upon presenting the names to the baggage handler, he said "She looks like a Zoe!" He was right and that was her name.
Zoe is a beautiful dog with a laid back personality. I think that's how she survived the plane ride so well.
Phoebe is a different story. Phoebe originally lived across the street from my parents. She was the "daughter" of a gay couple, Mike and Gerardo. Mike flew to Chicago and back in one day to get Phoebe. Mike and Gerardo worked everyday, so my mom would go and get Phoebe to play with Zoe during the day. One day, they didn't call to come and get her and Phoebe stayed at our house for 5 days!! Dad decided to walk her across the street (home) and told them that if they didn't have time to take care of her, we would take her! They thought about it for a day or two and then she officially became ours. This was huge news because my dad's motto was always "One wife. One daughter. One dog. " Now he has two dogs! As far as I know, he doesn't have two wives or daughters. :)
Phoebe is wild and crazy and spunky. She is the opposite of Zoe. The drive each other crazy and are a joy to us. We are so happy to have both of them as a part of our family.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Day 25: My Grief Playlist
Dealing with Dude's death has been hard -- unbearable, at times. Music has helped a lot. Oftentimes, songs have said the words that I can't even begin to speak. Here is a list of my favorites:
- I Think Of You - Easton Corbin
- Why - Rascal Flatts
- One Sweet Day - Mariah Carey
- Bye Bye - Mariah Carey
- Never Forget You - Mariah Carey
- I Look To You - Whitney Houston
- I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
- When I Look To The Sky - Train
- Everything Falls Apart - Fee
- Lovin' You Is Fun - Easton Corbin
- The Hurt and the Healer - MercyMe
- Save a Place for Me - Matthew West
- Before the Morning - Josh Wilson
- Over You - Miranda Lambert
- Didn't We Almost Have It All - Whitney Houston
- Long Way Home - Steven Curtis Chapman
- My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion (I used to hate this song. Not anymore.)
- Bridge Over Troubled Waters - Various artists
- See you Again - Carrie Underwood
- Rainin' You - Brad Paisley
- Can't Say Goodbye - Josh Gracin
Monday, June 24, 2013
Day 24: The Town I Live In
I'm not trying to brag, but I honestly feel so blessed to live in the town I live in. I grew up in Alexandria, Virginia and still live here today. Alexandria is about 15 minutes outside of Washington, DC. I think it is one of the best places to raise a family. Alexandria has a small town feel, but it is right outside of the Nation's capital with all of it's history, culture, political power and diversity.
Old Town Alexandria, where I live, is not without history of it's own. It was founded in 1749 and was the home of George Washington and Robert E. Lee, Jim Morrison and Mama Cass. Old Town is on the water and served as one of the ten busiest ports in America trading tobacco. I learned this little fact when I googled interesting facts about Alexandria for this post. But, my how times have changed, because now all of the restaurants in Alexandria are smoke free! Thank goodness!
Old Town is full of restaurants and shops. I can sometimes get in big trouble because I can walk to all of the stores I want to shop at. There are a mix of boutiques and mainstream stores like Loft, Anthropologie, Francesca's, Banana Republic, and Gap. We also have three ice cream shops and three cupcake places. Let's just say I can come home a little heavier with a lighter wallet :)
Being that Old Town is historic, the town is supposedly haunted. We have two ghost tours that you can take while you are here. Apparently, someone found a head in the alley right by my condo many years ago. On Halloween, people go and look for the "ghost" of the head. Weird. Creepy. I don't do it. I've never seen anyone do it. I don't want to know.
If ever in the DC area, you shop hop over the river to Old Town, Alexandria. You'll have a great time. Let me know you're here and I'll stop by to say hi!
I need to take more photos of my town. I don't have any really. I tried to download off of the internet and it wasn't working. But trust me, Old Town is beautiful. DC is beautiful. You should come visit!
Old Town Alexandria, where I live, is not without history of it's own. It was founded in 1749 and was the home of George Washington and Robert E. Lee, Jim Morrison and Mama Cass. Old Town is on the water and served as one of the ten busiest ports in America trading tobacco. I learned this little fact when I googled interesting facts about Alexandria for this post. But, my how times have changed, because now all of the restaurants in Alexandria are smoke free! Thank goodness!
Old Town is full of restaurants and shops. I can sometimes get in big trouble because I can walk to all of the stores I want to shop at. There are a mix of boutiques and mainstream stores like Loft, Anthropologie, Francesca's, Banana Republic, and Gap. We also have three ice cream shops and three cupcake places. Let's just say I can come home a little heavier with a lighter wallet :)
Being that Old Town is historic, the town is supposedly haunted. We have two ghost tours that you can take while you are here. Apparently, someone found a head in the alley right by my condo many years ago. On Halloween, people go and look for the "ghost" of the head. Weird. Creepy. I don't do it. I've never seen anyone do it. I don't want to know.
If ever in the DC area, you shop hop over the river to Old Town, Alexandria. You'll have a great time. Let me know you're here and I'll stop by to say hi!
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