A Reminder from an iPhone and Flowers

I had been avoiding updating my iPhone for quite some time. I heard people lost their text messages, photos, and the maps were screwed up, so the idea of upgrading was not at all appealing. There are a few texts and photos I am not ready to let go of, so I put off the upgrade until I was forced to make the change.
That day finally came. My phone went crazy and I knew I was not going to be able to do anything productive with it until I agreed to that upgrade. After getting over my earlier anxiety about what I might lose, I hit the button! Nothing happened. I hit the button again. Still nothing. At this point, frustration sets in. I am trying to do what I don't want to do but know I have to do and now it won't allow me to pull the trigger! So, I read more closely and it told me I do not have enough free memory to complete the process.  Grrrreat. Now, I have to voluntarily get rid of stuff (and still risk losing the photos and texts that I want to keep)! Reluctantly, I start flipping through apps and emails I might be able to delete. I am staying far away from those photos! Then I go to the songs that I never listen to anymore . Gone, without an issue! After deleting everything I would be fine to see go, I check the amount of free memory and there is still not enough to complete the upgrade (I have a ton of songs! The iPhone is a dream come true for a person like me who loves singing and talking!). Not enough memory means I have to go to the forbidden territory -- the photos. Yikes! I take a deep breath and I start the trip down memory lane. About 5 photos in, I come across this:

This is a photo of the last gift/surprise Mike sent to me. He sent these a week after my surgery last October with a note attached (I came across the note later that day - not sure why I kept it and why he signed it. I always laughed because he'd forget to sign his name!) that read:

JB, 

Ain't  nothin' gonna break your stride! Ain't nothin' gonna get you down! Feel better. I'll see you soon. 

MC

The roses were a wonderful surprise and the message was thoughtful and appropriate considering I was banished to sitting in a chair for 8 weeks of no weight bearing. He knew I was upset, but he also knew that I would survive and get through this and wanted to reinforce it with the message. I remember calling him to thank him (and sending him the photo) and he said "I sent them to you a week later because I wanted you to remember the message. You were too drugged up the first few days to comprehend".

I didn't notice it when they first arrived, but over the course of a week, beautiful golden blossoms emerged. A secondary surprise was that the roses were surrounded by Peruvian lilies. 

Mike loved to surprise and I welcomed the surprises as I love to be surprised! However, the ultimate surprise came on April 3rd when he took his own life. While I knew it could be a possibility given how sick he was, I never believed he would ever do it. I was completely surprised, but this time, I did not welcome it. 

 His last and final act has gotten me down. It has broken my stride. 

I will survive. 

Had I not had to clean out my iPhone, and later, clean out my drawer where I found the note, I would not have come across these photos anytime soon.  I believe I was meant to find these again and be reminded of the message Mike wanted to be sure I was able to comprehend. Upon reflecting on the photos tonight, God showed me something else. When I first received the roses, I was so focused on the red blooms that I never even saw the little yellow buds that would soon enhance the bouquet and transform it from beautiful to gorgeous. (The Peruvian lilies really pack some punch, don't they?) 

God showed me that He doesn't want me to settle. He wants to give me life to the fullest. 

 Life these days is certainly not as bright as that bouquet (the bouquet that lasted for 3 weeks!!), but with time, those "golden blossoms" will emerge. I feel better than I did 6.5 months ago and am hopeful and prayerful that time will continue to help me move forward.

Dude's note indicated that he would see me soon. Unfortunately, he started to get really sick by the time I was "released from the wingback chair prison," and we did not get to see or spend time with each other before he died. I will see him soon enough, though. In the meantime, it is important for me to be reminded of his message, to know he is always with me, and to expect a life full of "red roses and Peruvian lilies"!  

PS: I didn't lose anything valuable in the upgrade and my phone is now free from clutter.
{Never mind that I should have been more concerned about losing text messages instead of photos because photos are backed up on my computer. That's what happens when you freak out!}

#17: Just say NO to drugs

This is as much a public service announcement as it is a recap of my seventeenth surgery.

JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS

If I had done this, I would not be laying on the couch in pain right now. Drugs are tricky. They make you feel awesome and take away the pain, but as soon as you start to wean yourself off of them, they can wreak havoc on your body. I'm a prime example. I'll spare you all of the details, but don't take narcotics unless you absolutely need them! Ok, now, I'll get off my soapbox.

    I was dreading this surgery because it was annoyingly simple. All the doctor did was remove one screw from my foot. I tried to negotiate to remove all three, but he is the boss when I am under anesthesia. So, one was all that was removed, and yes, I got to keep it! I added it to my hardware collection. 

Dr. Garrett explained to my parents that the surgery would either take 10 minutes or 45 minutes. It ended up taking 45 minutes because he had trouble getting the screw out. It was in there pretty good. Since the surgery was pretty short, I was asleep, but I must have been in some sort of lala land. The nurses commented that I came out of the operating room talking (Shock a rock!), but wouldn't cooperate when they were trying to get my to do things. I'm normally a good patient, so I don't know what that was all about. Apparently, I wasn't all that cooperative when I was awake either hence this photo:

My parents said I told them to take this picture, but I seem to be protesting! After getting some hives and dizziness under control and receiving my surprising discharge instructions (full weight bearing, no restrictions! This is a change because originally he said no wieght-bearing for a week.), we headed home.
Recovery at home hasn't been so bad thanks to my wonderful friends who know just how to make me smile! I love surprises, and boy, have I been treated to many! Whether it was Julia and Dana coming over to bring me lunch and fresh apple muffins, Dorcey convincing my mom that it really was OK for me to have the pain medicine while she balanced cupcakes, sweet potato chips and cider in her arms, or the many cards, phone calls and messages I received, I am one blessed lady. It is not often that I have surgery at home (normally in Minnesota or California) and y'all make it such a treat for me!
Look at all of the pretties:

A sunshine basket that sweet Jen has been collecting since Mike passed away and thought now would be the perfect time to give it to me! I've had fun with all of those goodies

This cupcake ornament is just one of many things in a big 'ole honking care package from Kerry and Todd! Kerry was the only benefit to having surgery in Minnesota because she lives there. My parents always appreciated the relief she provided them.

My parents friends knew what was up by giving me these socks! I have an unattractive bootlet that will be made prettier with these fancy things on my toes!

And, the dark, uncomfortable times are made that much brighter when you get to sit next to these three beauties! (Friends hand delivered these beauties so that was double the fun!)

Today, I peeled 3/4 of my hair from one side of my head (tip: don't go 5 days without brushing your hair. It WILL stick to the side of your head!), put on some real clothes and went to the doctor. Con: He said I might feel sick for a few more days because of the side effects of the Percocet. PRO: My stitches are out, my bandage is off, and tomorrow I can take a real shower! OH HAPPY DAY!
I'd intended to go back to work on Tuesday, but my drugs had other plans for me. I'm calling it a week and I'll be back to work (and the LSAT) on Monday. I did learn two interesting tidbits of information today: 1. Your brain is not fully developed until you are 25 years of age and 2. There is no silverware in prison. This prisoner said you eat with your hands. Thank you to daytime TV for that new knowledge.

Most of all, THANK YOU to all of you for your kindness. You are wonderful and I cannot adequately express my gratitude for the love and support you have shown me.

I'll be back in two cute shoes soon....

My 6th month report card

When tragedy strikes, I've noticed there are two responses. People jump to surround you or they back away not knowing what to say or do. For the most part, I've experienced the former and cannot be more grateful. I think back to coming home from Dude's service and my mom was remarking how it seemed how I was protected that whole time. I had the opportunity to spend some hours on Davis School Road, to reconnect with people I hadn't seen since college, to meet some of Dude's friends I had always heard about but never seen face to face. They shared stories, condolences, laughter and sentiments. A few college friends and I went to Primanti's (which I thought was gross, but it was the first meal I'd eaten in a week) and we just wanted to be together. Nobody wanted to be alone. My closest friend from college, MSD, flew in to be there with me and to share a hotel room (the honeymoon suite of the Bridgeville, PA Holiday Inn! HA! That has a story in itself). I was in complete shock, in a fog, but in the darkest time in my life, I was not alone. And, I am still not alone. Even when I desperately want to be by myself and process what all of this means, God feels closest and sometimes it feels like Dude is close by, too.
I've experienced a good amount of loss in my life. All of my grandparents have died, my aunt was killed in a drive by shooting when I was 9, my childhood friend died in a house fire,we lost people in our high school (one to suicide), I was even close to death myself a number of times as I fought to stay alive the first three months of my life. But this is different. This hurts more than any of those other losses. This loss is complex and painful and shocking and sudden and confusing and heartbreaking. This loss is one that will leave a hole and questions that cannot be understood until I get to heaven. And, once I get there and I see Jesus and Dude, I probably won't even care to ask the questions that swirl around in my mind now. So, while those other losses are noteworthy, they aren't as profound or as deep as this one. This is whole new territory for me and I'm a terrible navigator.
I mentioned above that I am grateful for the way people have surrounded me during this. And I am. So grateful. But, with all of those people come a host of opinions about what I should do and how I should feel, most from people who have never experienced a loss like this before. I take in every word because I know they say it from a place of compassion even though I may not interpret it as such. But, I do have two people I use as my thermometers to help gauge my progress through this unfamiliar territory.  AJC, a close friend,  lost her mom four years ago somewhat suddenly. The other, MSD, was a psychology major, was good friends with Dude and I and knows me very well.
I remember when I first told AJC the news she brought to the forefront the roller coaster of grief I will experience for (unfortunately) the rest of my life. She said I just want you to remember you will have good days, bad days and sometimes you just won't know what will hit you when. But, she said, it is important to experience all of that, but to do your best to manage it so it doesn't always seem so overwhelming and debilitating. I've clung to those words and throughout this journey, I've tried to do my best to allow myself to experience the pain, but to continue to move forward. I talk to her almost everyday and I've been able to talk about things besides the loss with much more ease lately. Now, I know you're thinking that a lot of posts have been about grief. Yes, that's true because writing helps me sort it all out and I want to remember these feelings. It is also easiest for me to write about grief because there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this. I have other posts they just take more effort and need pictures and I am too drugged up right now to get into all that. AJC also encourages me to continue with the support groups which have been so helpful and echo the ups and downs that she reminds me will be present.
MSD calls and checks on me every week. She offers a different perspective because she spent a lot of time with Dude and I. She also studied psychology and is in the healthcare field, so she tags her professional opinion onto our conversations at times. I mentioned last week that for the first time, I felt like I was making some progress. Her response, "You know, Jess, I agree. I think you are".

MY 6 MONTH REPORT CARD

Toughest times: at night or early in the morning

Most helpful resources: Grieving a suicide by Albert Hsu, grief blogs and support groups, Mary

Treasures: my guardian angel earrings from Alyssa and John; the Lego White House Dude built before he died; photos

Most relaxing: talking to Ava

Biggest challenge: Prayer -- my mind is all over the place so I pray simple prayers

Most thankful: for my friends who surround me even when they aren't physically close, for the LSAT because it helps my mind tremendously and helps me to move forward.

Favorite grief eat: Cupcakes, duh!

Grade: P for Progress -- Not that close to healing, but progress, for sure.

Since I have never been through this before, I am thankful for everyone's support, and particularly the perspectives of AJC and MSD. As AJC reminds me, "You are going to get through this. You will not fall. There are too many people looking out for you and we will not let you fall". Truth.

Signs you're grieving

You know you're grieving when....

1. You have to ask someone to repeat something 5 times because you can't, for the life of you, process what they are saying even if it is a simple as "What is your name?"

2. You find your keys in the refrigerator

3. You try to use your cell phone to turn on the TV. You wonder why that doesn't work, but finally find the remote control. You try to use that, but it doesn't work either. The TV cabinet is closed.

4. You discuss which brand of tissues have the best absorbency

5. You get so caught up in a conversation with a fellow griever, you completely forget to eat dinner.

6. Your friend, who has no relation to the tragedy, sends you an email about GriefShare and you write back "OH MY GOSH! THIS IS AWESOME!"

7. You discuss with your friends how long it's been since you've cried. The person who has gone the longest without tears feels like they've earned some sort of badge of honor.

8. Your non-grieving friends tell you to watch Matthew Perry's new show "Go On" because it's a knee-slapper! You do, and realize you are laughing at yourself!

9. You/your friend sends a sappy text message to Mike's cell phone only to realize later that he didn't get it, but someone else probably did.

10. Your mind is all.over.the.place

But, through it all, you realize how much you are loved and are immensely thankful that your friends and family tolerate your crazy behavior.

Lovin' You Is FUN!

Six months ago, you left the world and broke my heart. Coulda, shoulda, woulda is pointless because it doesn't change anything. So, instead here are some of my favorite memories with you. Remember....

• The "first day" you met me, you pat me on the back, I jumped and spilled my drink ALL over my desk, papers, and maybe even you!
• UR playing in the NCAAs and we missed the bus to my social because we were so into the game. So, we went to Taco Bell and then Barnes and Noble and sat on the floor paging through travel books
• All of our crazy DG and APO socials. And, yes, DGs always will be the "damn gorgeous girls you bring home to your momma"
• Hurricane Isabelle -- you had to call my mom to convince her that I needed to come home, we cruised to the gas station on fumes and rocked out to sweet tunes all the way home -- "One more round of Jose Cuervo"
• Sleep talking. Puhleease, there is no way I said I had a crush on Justin Bieber! And, look who's talkin'! You're famous for "Meanwhile back at the ranch..."
• Going out to dinner with our parents - You ordered the most expensive thing on the menu thinking your dad was going to pick up the tab. My dad grabbed the bill and you are forever known as the "big spender" in my family!
• Our college reunions --  Thanks for saving the sprinklers from ruining our dinner!
• "King James" and "Wear your pants"
• Prior to your law school graduation, I proudly proclaimed to your family that you were going to win "Most Outstanding Student". Nobody believed me and then when you won, they all thought I had some insider knowledge. No way! I just knew you and that there was nobody else more deserving. Your mom was so proud of her "Mikey".
• Surprises!
• Your 29th birthday weekend in Pittsburgh
• The time the Redskins beat the Steelers 
• Praying together for your healing
• Your last words to me.

I've got some big ideas to keep your spirit alive! I can't wait to get to work on them!

Dude,

Lovin' you is fun!

xoxo, JB

Rest in Peace, Ring Dance

I heard about the University of Richmond Ring Dance as a prospective student. Being the girly girl that I am, I looked forward to this event the moment I signed on the dotted line and accepted my admission as a Spider. The opportunity to don a fancy white dress and walk down the stairs of The Jefferson Hotel with my dad then have a big party with my family and classmates was right up my alley!

As junior year approached, my mom and I mapped out all of the stores we would go to in search of the perfect dress. After scouring numerous racks, I settled on two dresses. One was a very inexpensive dress (under $100) and the other could have been worn as a wedding gown, if I so desired one day. Both were white and equally appropriate for the occasion. I couldn't decide which one I liked better, so I brought my dad in to break the tie. I happily paraded around in both dresses, showing off my good side so that my dad could make an informed decision. In the end, he chose the more expensive dress. Anytime he complained about the price, I kindly reminded him that he chose it! I plan to use this same tactic for my wedding gown one day.

 Friday night of the big weekend, my parents checked into The Jefferson Hotel and I decided to stay over with them. I wanted to take a bubble bath (I was tired of dorm showers) and wanted to practice walking down the stairs. Dad and I thought it would be so awesome if I walked down without my canes. We practiced and practiced the night before. The practice paid off and I was able to descend the huge staircase sans canes! 

It was one of the proudest moments of my life! As I walked down the staircase with my dad on my arm and a sterling rose in my hand, my classmates at the bottom cheered loudly for me! At the end of the procession, we all formed the Westhampton "W" (our photo got screwed up) and then went upstairs to party! It was one of my fondest memories of college. The next morning, one of my close friends and her family met my family downstairs for the most delicious brunch.  Then we said goodbye to our families and went back to reality at 28 Westhampton Way.

I realize my experience is one of someone who was privileged to be able to afford to have something so grand. While not everyone is going to be able to have all of that fuss, there is no reason why they cannot have some of it and enjoy the experience as much as I did. This article says that Ring Dance is expensive, a white dress is expensive and "bridal" or "debutante"-ish, not every woman wants to wear white and not everyone has a good relationship with their father so escorts are being done away with, too. I don't disagree with any of these points. While I was not in this position I can understand how they could be concerns. But, I do think there is a way to address the concerns without morphing the tradition into what is being proposed. There is a way to keep the tradition and make it memorable for all involved.

First of all, if you do everything I did for Ring Dance, yes, it can be very  pricey. But, how about creating a fund for women who cannot afford the tickets to the event to get scholarships for themselves and two family members? I believe this may actually already be in existence. Not everyone has to spend the night in The Jefferson. If you want to but can't afford it, chances are, you know someone who is staying there or in the surrounding hotels and can bunk with them. 

Now onto the dress...The dress I ended up wearing was not cheap, but remember I did find one for under $100 and was absolutely willing to wear it! You may not be able to find a white dress in the winter, but you know this is coming the moment you enter as a first-year student, so shop early! Another option would be for the sororities to organize a "dress drive" and the senior women could donate their dresses. Sororities could also organize a fundraiser to pay for tickets for women who could not afford their own. All of the funds raised and dresses donated could be given to the Dean so there is some privacy for those using the funds. Not to mention, the dress is not *required* to be white. There are so many formal dresses lying around in our closets from formals that could be donated, too. Richmond students are big on community service, so why not help out those amongst us? Unfortunately, I cannot donate my dress because it has turned yellow over time, but I would have been happy to if it looked nice. I would also be willing to donate to a fund to help other women have a wonderful Ring Dance! (As for the color white, yes, it is "bridal", but white also symbolizes transition to me and I think this could be one of the intentions as you transition to upper-class-women.

WC'04 Ring Dance was also memorable because we had TLC's Makeover Story film our event. Two women in our class wrote into the show, they liked their story, picked up all the expenses for the event, and came to film the big night! This is unlikely to happen again especially since the show is no longer on the air, but you never know, if another show might not latch onto the idea and help another Westhampton woman or two.

The author also discusses that not all women have a good relationship with their father. Again, no requirement to have your father walk you down the stairs. And, chances are, if you and your dad don't have a good relationship, it probably started long before your junior year of college. Have your mom, boyfriend, uncle, favorite professor, best friend walk you down! Not a show-stopper.

The over-arching issue is about inclusion. Ring Dance is perceived as being exclusive because it is expensive and not everyone wants to participate.  If not participating is a function of cost, I offered suggestions above. If you are championing the inclusion idea because you are concerned it singles out women, I hope you aren't in a sorority. We all know sororities do not champion inclusion as we sit in a room and decide who we want and don't want to call our sisters! And, how much money did you spend on dues, t-shirts, social attire and gifts for your littles during your four years in college? I am not sure how the new proposal is going to solve this problem because the focus seems to be on rings which not everyone buys, and academics, of which not everyone earns some distinction.

 I know this might seem like an over-reaction to be upset about the changes. I am upset because not only was Ring Dance one of the most memorable nights of my life, it was tradition.  I chose to come to UR because, not only did I think it would provide me with a wonderful education, but the school is rooted in tradition. Richmond's strong commitment to tradition is one of the things that sets it apart. If you don't like that about the school, you don't need to participate or you can choose another place to further your education. You could argue that they're not eliminating the tradition, just changing it, and it has had a few changes over time. Yes, that's true. But, they are taking away the crux of Ring Dance - the white dresses, the escorts, the stairs -- the things that make it unique. In an effort to be more inclusive, Richmond is moving away from what made it so special and unique. I'm not saying we shouldn't aim for inclusion. The more the merrier, but be inclusive within the framework of who you are as a school.

My senior year at UR, I took a class with one of the past Presidents of the University, Dr. Richard Morrill. We talked a lot about how institutions have stories and what the UR story is. I am an alumni recruiter and the proudest Spider you will ever meet! I get the opportunity to tell Richmond's story often. What do I say? We are a cutting edge school with a strong commitment to academics, study abroad and community service. But, what sets us apart is that we are grounded in tradition. It is truly special when you reflect on the fact that generations of Spiders have participated in the same experience. I am sad to see this one, as so many of us have known it, go.

WC'04, Thanks for the memories! OH, WHAT A NIGHT!

Are you there?

Ever since you've died, I've become more and more interested in heaven. I've studied Revelation in small group and know that heaven is even more amazing than I can imagine. I certainly wish you were still down here, but I know you must be having a blast up there! After your death, two of my friends gave me the book Heaven is for Real. It is about this 3 year old boy who while having surgery goes to heaven for a short period of time. Months later, he starts recalling all of the details to his parents. His parents are shocked at what they are hearing and verify the details they can in the Bible. The book recounts his visit. I tore through that bad boy in a matter of hours! Your mom read it, too, and sometimes we discuss it together. Now, I know it could all be sensational and I could be a sucker. I won't know til I get to see you again. In the meantime,  it brings me great comfort to imagine you sitting in Jesus' lap, looking down on all of us and watching Jesus answer our prayers.

What's it like to hang out with Jesus? Do you echo my prayers into his ears? If so, I could really use some help with the LSAT. I tell the Big Man everyday, but it'd be nice to have some backup!! And, how 'bout the Nats!! Whoa, Dude! And, the Pirates, too. The Redskins and Steelers could use some divine intervention, Dude. Things aren't going so well and I know how much you loved football.

Do you see me? Can you see me when I cry? Sometimes I start to cry and then all of a sudden stop. I get a little annoyed because I wasn't ready to stop, but I remember you want me to be happy. You used to get such a sad look on your face when I would cry. You loved to smile and loved for me to show my smile, too. Is that you and Jesus halting those tears?

I miss your touch, but sometimes it feels like you are so close. Are you? I like to think you are. My questions won't have definitive answers til I am where you are, but this poem will satisfy for now.

A Gift from Heaven

I am with you always
I live in your heart
I speak to your soul
We are not far apart

When you feel a light breeze
Hear the songs the birds sing
Know that I see every smile
Your kindness can bring

I see you building your dreams
With wisdom and grace
And asking His guidance
With each challenge you face

I am more than a memory
You will feel our love grow
I am forever your angel
Some things you just know

Please tell me your thoughts
Your hopes and your fears
And know that through faith
He will heal all your tears

For today, I can share
That in Heaven above
God has taken my hand
I am complete, I am love.

Your voice is in my head. Your smile in my heart. I know we aren't really that far apart. I wait patiently for the day I will see you again. I've much to do here, but I know you are near.

Hey, look I'm a poet and didn't even know it! HA!  Stay close.