Never Said Goodbye

I listen to the radio all day at work.   It is the only thing that gets me through the day.  I need the music and “noise” to keep me going and to help me be productive.  The day we were informed that we are now required to leave our iPods in the car or a locker was a sad one.  The day I discovered  iheartradio was not blocked by our firewall was a happy one.  I think I may have actually done a dance because I could finally jam out to some tunes even though they weren’t my own.  The fact that I can listen to all genres and stations nationwide is just a bonus. Lately, I’ve been listening to 106.7 in NYC.  It is “soft rock” but not that cheesy elevator music junk.  It is good. I like it. It makes me happy.

Earlier today, I was working away and glanced up to see what tune was playing.  Sometimes I don’t pay attention to what is actually blasting through my speakers.  I just know that there’s a beat and/or a melody. Sometimes I forget that I am at work and bust out singing….ooops…HA!  Anyway, this time, I just glanced up to see what song was playing.  It was Bon Jovi’s “Never Say Goodbye”.

The title of the song caught my attention (after the beat, of course because it was for that reason that I glanced at the title in the first place).  All of a sudden I thought, you know, Dude and I never actually said goodbye.  “Bye” was not how we ended our last conversation with each other.  That seems a bit strange because normally we would say “Good night, sleep well, talk to you tomorrow, bye”….but this last time, we didn’t.

A little bit of me is sad that I never got to say goodbye to him in person.  Some people had the opportunity to visit him when he was in the hospital.  I asked to do that, but didn’t get a response, so I didn’t go up to Pitt. We were not permitted to talk to each other on the phone (although, he would hop on the computer to send me a note when he could), so I figured I wasn’t allowed at the hospital either.  I didn’t push the issue.  After he died, I wished I had, but then again, I remember the last time we saw each other in person was probably the most fun we’ve ever had and he was happy and smiling and excited!  That’s how I want to remember him!  Hospital, shmospital! Maybe the lack of response was actually God’s protection on my memories.

Back to the last conversation -- I don’t remember the date of it.  The whole last year has been much of a blur to me, but I do believe that it was right around this time last year.  It might have actually been a year ago today.  Regardless of the date, it was the night before he left for his brother, Matt’s, bachelor party.  Dude was excited about the camping/river weekend he had planned in North Carolina in celebration of Matt’s single days drawing to a close.  I don’t remember all of the specifics of the conversation.  It was at night and it was pretty long, but that was typical.  Towards the end, he was crunching on Cheerios in my ear and I was falling asleep. Again, him eating, my falling asleep (or talking to him in my sleep), pretty standard. The starkest detail I remember are our last words to each other:

Me: I love you, Dude.

Dude: I love you, too, Jess. Thanks for everything.

Me: Of course. Have fun and remember I love you.

Click.  And that was the end.

We never did say goodbye.  And I kind of like that.  If it had to end, I couldn’t have asked for a better ending.

Life is not as fun without him, but I hope he is having fun up in heaven and does remember that I love him.

Thanks, Bon Jovi, for the reminder.  You made my day.