Always Something There to Remind Me

Hey Duuuuuuuude,

{Remember that show on Nickelodeon?}

Not only did I lose my best friend, but I lost my confidant.  I lost the one who knew me better than anyone else.  I've lost the man with whom I shared my hopes, dreams and fears.  Sure, I have my family, friends and coworkers to talk to, but it is not the same.  As one of our friends said, "You and Mike had such a strong connection.  Your bond was evident to everyone who knew you, even if they barely knew you".  That's so true.  We did and sometimes I fear that I won't find that again.  Mary reminds me this is not the case and I have nothing to fear.  God will take care of me. That strong bond is an incredible blessing, but it also means that there is always something there to remind me that you are not physically here anymore.  I miss our conversations.  I miss planning adventures or fantasizing that one day we will fulfill all of our wildest dreams.  I miss talking about everything and anything and nothing.  I miss "the poop icon" on gchat.  I still don't know how to create it.  Italian lessons.  Late night conversations that would put me to sleep because they were calm and peaceful not boring.  I miss reminding you of things you might miss because you were always late or sometimes overbooked yourself.  Chatting about sports, challenges, how much food I can eat, our families, friends, politics, work, school, dogs, my crush on Justin Bieber (100% false), The White House, the list could go on and on.

Lately, there have been so many days I have just wanted you here.  Right here.  Where I can physically see you, end up wrapped up tight in your arms, or at the very least, talk to you on the phone. I talk to you all of the time. Sometimes it is out loud, sometimes through blog posts like this one, sometimes I pray to God and ask Him to give you a message.  At times,  it feels like you are close to me; like you are holding my hand or telling me to "Calm down, Killer" or reminding me that "God's got this!"  It could all be in my head.  I don't know.  I won't know until I get to see you again.  It makes me feel better, so I don't really care.  Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think you are still here.  Then I realize you aren't. That realization is a big bummer when it happens, but I don't erupt into uncontrollable sobs like I used to when I finally woke up from those daydreams.  Progress, Dude, aren't you proud?!  Yes, I knew it.  Of course, you are.    

The trouble with being so close to you is that almost everything reminds me of you.  Frostys at Wendys, DQ Blizzards, cookie cakes, Ironman, the Steelers, the Pirates, the Penguins, anything Pittsburgh -- our weatherman always mentions Pittsburgh when he is delivering the weather forecast.  I am never sure why because it is not like "The 'Burgh" is remotely close to DC. Golf, Subaru Forresters, gchat....

I used to get terribly sad when I would see a car with a Steelers bumper sticker or a Subaru Forrester or when the weatherman would mention Pittsburgh.  Now, those things bring a smile to my face.  You may even hear me shout my nickname for you, Dude.  From my perspective, it's as if you are saying "Hi!"

I was reminded of you at work this afternoon.  I wore my new favorite pair of pants.  They are skinny and red -- bright red.  I was on a mission to find red pants to wear to my Christmas party.  I walked into Ann Taylor Loft and told the sales representative about my desire.  She was a big 'ole mama and brought me to the skinny pants section.  I gave her a puzzled look and said "I'm not sure my butt and thighs will fit into skinny pants!" "I wear them.", she said.  "OK, I'll give them a whirl!"  I had to go up two sizes for them to fit properly, but that just means they are big in the waist and make me feel skinny!! Win-win!

Now you know why they are my favorite pants. ;-) Anyway, so I was wearing them today and one of my colleagues said

"Hey Killer, whatcha doin' in those red pants?"

"What did you call me?"

"I said, Hey Killer"

"My best friend who recently passed away called me that all the time.  That was one of his nicknames for me. "

"Well, it's rather fitting", she smiled.

That little exchange brought a big 'ole grin to my face.

There's always something there to remind me that you are with me.

I miss you.  I love you.  Gonna bust!

xoxo, Killer