It's Just Not In Me

After the man I loved deeply, my best friend, dies by suicide
The amount of strength it takes to keep going is incomprehensible. 
The amount of pain, heartache, devastation, confusion, and overall feeling of fear and failure is indescribable.

How am I ever supposed to move forward and what on earth does that even mean?

It’s just not in me.

After I embark on a “new” path to go to law school, spend thousands of dollars on tutoring because I have always been told I am “a bad test taker” and want to put myself in the best position to nail the LSAT.
After I bomb practice test after practice test and then proceed to spend hundreds of dollars to have educational testing only to discover I have actually had a learning disability my entire life.  One extremely common in people with my physical disability.

How was this not discovered before the age of 30? 

It’s just not in me.

After LSAC denies me the accommodations I need to be successful on the LSAT….twice.
And I bomb it. For real.

How will I ever get into law school?

It’s just not in me.

After talking to my top choice law school and being given the name of a disability attorney to work with in an attempt to get my accommodation denial reversed.
After spending even more money and time to prepare case after case for LSAC and for my prospective law schools.
After learning that Department of Justice has a class action lawsuit against LSAC addressing their repeated denial of accommodations. And then learning this will not help me right now because the suit will likely end up at the Supreme Court and will take years to be resolved.

How will I ever get these accommodations to get a decent score?

It’s just not in me.

After receiving rejection letter after rejection letter.
After being waitlisted at my top choice law school; communicating with them on a regular basis and being told that they are impressed with how I am handling this extremely unfavorable LSAC/LSAT situation.

Will this ever work out? Will I be able to fulfill a dream that I have put on hold for far too long?

It’s just not in me.

After my dad, my hero, was rushed to the hospital, and spent the night in the cardiac unit. After being told he will be having heart surgery soon.

Will he be okay?

It’s just not in me.

It’s just not in me….to give up.
It’s just not in me…to do anything but keep on going.
To live the life laid out before me. To the fullest.