My Inheritance

The months after a loved one's death are stressful. In addition to grieving the loss, you find yourself "buried" in paperwork to settle the affairs of the estate. When all is said and done, you've lost a loved one and gained their inheritance. The most basic definition of inheritance is what you leave to your loved one. This can come in many forms; the most common being money, property, clothes and prized possessions. I have a couple ideas of what I would like as a remembrance of Mike, but I would argue that your inheritance does not have to come in a material form. After the affairs are settled, I won't gain Mike's material possessions. Nevertheless, he did leave me an inheritance.

What I inherited:

• A love of the Lord: It has been tempting to just walk away from God and to abandon my faith after such a tragedy. I trusted God to work things out. I trusted God to heal Mike. We had even been praying specific verses that assured us that God would rescue Mike and sustain him with a long life. That didn't happen. Despite the tragic circumstances, Mike fervently loved Jesus. Jesus has clearly been present throughout all of this. So, even though things didn't turn out as I'd prayed they would, God is still there. I will continue to love Him and live out my faith.

• A desire to learn new things: Mike never stopped learning. Whether he was attending an auto mechanic class, brushing up on his Italian, or reading a host of books and newspapers, he had a hunger for knowledge. There are some plans in the works that could potentially put me back in a classroom, but formal education or not, I vow to never stop learning.

• A desire to serve: He was a leader with a servant's heart. He coached youth soccer, started a Bible study (in middle school!), cooked for a lonely, old lady in his apartment building, and was the first one there to help Grams into her wheelchair. My "community service" attitude and activities have been put on the back-burner in recent years. It's time to get serious about service. This could be something as small as helping the wheelchair bound intern in my office or something as large as finally getting that non-profit rolling! Mike and I were working on that together.  Either way, time to serve it up! 

• The travel bug: In addition to discussing a temporary move to London, Mike and I sat down and made an "exploration map", otherwise known as a list of places we'd like to visit. The list contains over 100 destinations. We've always felt it is important to experience people different than us. What better way to do that than to be on their own turf! My grief has kept me close to home, but Mike would want me to get out and explore beyond 22314!  Next destination? (London will have to wait for now.) 

• Caring for others despite your own pain: Towards the end of Mike's life, he was in a great deal of pain. At that same time, I was having major surgery. Before the doctor had even walked away from briefing my parents on the outcome of my surgery, my mom's phone rang. It was Mike checking to see that I made it through without any issues. I also reflect back on our last conversation and now see ways in which he showed me he truly cared. Truthfully, I've found it difficult to care for others amidst my own heartbreak. Mike made an effort. Why shouldn't I?

• A smile: Dude had a smile that could light up the whole world! The last three months, grief has hidden my pearly whites. I'll tuck his smile in my heart and flash mine for the world to see. 

Those of you who know me may say that the things I am claiming as my inheritance were present within me before Mike's death. I don't disagree with you. When you inherit something, it doesn't mean you didn't have something like it before. Typically, you gain more of what you already had. My inheritance from Mike is a rekindling of things already present -- a stronger desire/inclination. If you never had the opportunity to meet Mike, bummer! You missed out on one of the most amazing men the world has ever known! But, thanks to my inheritance, I will carry his spirit inside of me and "introduce" him to you.

It's never too early to start thinking about what you will leave behind to those you love.

Dude, I love you. Thanks for everything.

A Fierce Goodbye

I never dreamed of writing this post. I never wanted to have experience in grieving a suicide. But, unfortunately, on April 3, 2012, I was inducted into the "suicide survivor club". I wish I could turn in my membership card in exchange for my best friend. I can't, so I thought I would use my experience over the last three months to hopefully help others.

Induction into the "suicide survivor club" was the most traumatic and heartbreaking experience of my life. The pain, at times, is unbearable. Initially, I prayed for my heart to continue to beat. I didn't want to die, but thought my heart could not withstand the pain. Through the help of counselors, fellow survivors, and a couple good resources, I have learned that the journey to healing will be long but healing will come. Grieving a suicide is different than grieving a typical death. Accompanied with the loss, is shock, trauma and questions that will never have answers on this earth. I have also learned that I am not alone in this journey. I realize I have readers outside my circle of friends and family, so I wanted to use this blog post to share some of the resources that have been helpful during this difficult time.

Besides prayer and faith that God will bring me through this, a pivotal resource is a book called "Grieving a Suicide by Albert Hsu. Hsu is a suicide survivor and a Christian. He writes from his personal experience, stressing that God is not only with you, but also with your loved one in heaven. I found myself flipping through the pages and identifying with nearly every one!

A few of my favorite passages:

"Because death has struck so close to home, life itself seems uncertain. We don't know if we can go on from day to day. We wonder if we will be consumed by the same despair that claimed our loved one. At the very least, we know that our life will never be the same. [We will go on living] as people who see the world very differently" (Hsu, 10). 

"Suicide carries in its aftermath a level of confusion and devastation that is, for the most part, beyond description". (Hsu, 23)

But just when it seems bleak, there is hope.

 "God doesn't only absorb the pain of grief and loss; he makes a way through it....If God knows suffering and we know suffering, then we can know God even in the midst of our suffering....God's pledge is not that suffering will never afflict us, but that it will never separate us from His love" (Hsu, 130).

  

Hsu also emphasizes that living your life honors your loved one. This sounds easier said than done amidst mourning, but another helpful resource is www.fiercegoodbye.com. This website discusses suicide from a Christian perspective and details what you might experience during the grief process. It  also offers suggestions for going beyond surviving. Whether reading this book or perusing this website, you could probably overhear me saying, "That's me!" over and over. 

If you are a friend of a survivor and are looking for ways to help them, here are some things that have been helpful and hurtful so far in this process.

Helpful to hear:

• "I don't know what you are going through, but I am here with you."
• "Just go with whatever emotion you are feeling and let it pass through.": Don't stifle your anger, tears, fears or even laughter.
• "Take your time."
• "I love you":  It is so important to hear these three words. Sometimes it feels like your loved one abandoned you and didn't love you (even though that's typically not the case). Hearing those words is confirmation that you do matter.
• Let the survivor talk about the loss.  To you, it will probably feel like they are talking in circles. Chances are, that's true, but the loss consumes their thoughts. It takes so much energy to think of something else to talk about. 
• Prayer

Hurtful to hear:

• "You'll get over this." Survivors learn to live with the loss, but will never "get over" the fact that their loved one took their own life.
• "Move on.": This may be the most hurtful. We are well aware that life goes on and we will eventually not feel as bad as we do at this point, but it's a slow process.
• "This was all a part of God's plan" or "He needed another angel in heaven.": God never wants someone to take their own life.       
• Asking a lot of questions or posing possible reasons for the suicide when you were not close to the loved one: Suicide survivors have tons of questions swirling around in their heads. More just feel incredibly overwhelming and almost suffocating.      

 To date, it has been a little over 3 months since I lost Mike. As my counselor says, "Three months is only the first trimester of a pregnancy! You have a long way to go, baby!" I continue to work through this grief and will join a suicide support group. The suggestions I offer here have been helpful to me.  My hope is that they aid someone else. However, I pray that you never have to use them. 

If you suffer from depression, please get help. There is hope for you. If you know someone who suffers from depression, speak up and urge them to get the help they need and deserve. Risk your friendship to save a life. There needn't be anymore members in the "suicide survivor club"!

Fourth of July

You don't have to ask me twice if I'd like to spend Fourth of July on a boat! It's rare that I turn down a relaxing day on the water and that's exactly what this was!

At 9am, we set sail on the beauty second from the right. The boat was docked at Washington Sailing Marina in Old Town. My mom and I accompanied a family friend, Danny, his wife and a bunch of their friends. They had this whole "day on the water" deal down to a science. As soon as we boarded, we were greeted with blueberry french toast for breakfast. Yum!

Dad didn't go because he was afraid of getting seasick, but man, did he miss out!

We leisurely sailed from Old Town down to the Georgetown waterfront. I typically get lost in my thoughts and surroundings when I am near water, but this was a particularly reflective and relaxing time for me.

Along the way, "Captain Danny" noticed these boys out to the right of us. It looked as if their dinghy had stalled, and despite a valiant effort, the engine would not start. We cruised alongside of them to see if they needed any help. I don't know if you can tell, but there are four boys in that boat. The oldest looks about 16 and the other 3 were all under 7. The "future mother" in me kicked in and was concerned that kids so young should not be on the water by themselves. Danny was worried that if we did not help them, they would be stranded! (At least, until the water patrol came by). They finally gave into our offer to help,

and we towed them to their much larger boat along the Georgetown waterfront! Poor kids were trying to go kayaking at Roosevelt Island and never made it!

Feeling like we had done a good deed for the day, we threw some burgers and dogs on the grill and headed back to the dock. Along the way, we saw this

It is a "missing man formation". This is done at military funerals when a pilot dies. It is a stark reminder that even as I am relaxing on America's birthday, brave men and women are out there fighting and sacrificing their lives for the freedom I enjoy on that day and everyday.

Given that the temperatures soared above the century mark on the fourth of July, the day felt like a scorcher just sitting at the dock. We escaped the heat and returned to my parents' house to trade the boat for the pool.

My dad went for his annual dip in the pool. We had to memorialize the moment because it is rare! While his leading ladies and guests continued floating around for a few more hours, he went inside to play bartender.

  Strawberry daiquiris are a must on Fourth of July. As is cake.

It is America's birthday, after all. What is a birthday without cake!?

After cooling off and stuffing our faces with red, white and blue goodies, we returned to the boat for some more relaxing and the perfect view of the fireworks!

I absolutely love fireworks, so I transformed into a little kid at Christmas during the show!

All and all, it was a very relaxing and refreshing day. Thanks to Danny for his hospitality, thanks to all who fight for our freedom, and thanks to God for a day to escape my worries and relax on the water.

For being 236, you look pretty good, America! Happy Birthday! God Bless!

A Reflection to Remember

 I started this blog because I wanted a record of things going on in my life.  I love to write and don't get to do an ounce of it at work. Not to mention, who thinks professional writing is exciting and creative anyway? Not me. Anyway, I digress. I've been doing that a lot these days. I've had a case of ADD that has not shown up in my life before. It's as if my world is spinning in a completely different direction and I am just trying to keep up! I can't tell you the number of things I have neglected to do. Actually, I can. I remember that I need to buy my friends' wedding presents, make a photo book of my family's trip to Thailand, write some thank you notes, organize my kitchen, buy a few more items for my bathroom, write a blog post about Memorial Day (yeah....) Then I never follow through with any of those things.  At least, not yet.

Early on in this year, I wrote about how I felt God was telling me my theme of 2012 was going to be faith and patience. Well, now that could not be more true! God really does know best, doesn't He? Initially, I thought He meant I was to have faith and patience with my situation in life. The last three months have proven that life goes off script. Sometimes WAY off script! I've come to learn that I am not only supposed to have patience with my situation, but patience with myself.

Since October 2011, my world has been rocked. It all started with the major surgery on my foot. I am used to major surgery. It is something I "do well", if I can even say that. It's just that I am used to it and am used to quickly recovering. But, after I survived being chained to a chair for 8 weeks (not literally, but it sure did feel like it!), I expected to skyrocket through the rest of the recovery. The truth is that is not the case. It has been 8 months and I still have occasional swelling and can't yet maneuver my feet into all of my cute shoes. The most disappointing aspect of this recovery is that I cannot walk the blocks in Old Town without my canes like I used to do. I have a new trainer and I desperately want show her how I can motor on those uneven bricks sans canes, but it's not happening just yet. I am not strong and confident enough to do it right now. The goal is for me to be able to scoot around 4 blocks by August. Jen believes I can. I have to believe it and have patience with myself. The trainers remark at how much taller I am walking. I hear what they are saying, but I am listening to the voices in my head that say, "You aren't where you were last summer. You are not going to make your August goal!" But, I can. I know I can. The trainers believe I can. I can.

I must also remember that within the last three months, I have suffered a devastating blow. It's still hard to believe and while it doesn't feel like half of my heart is gone anymore, I can feel a literal hole in it that, no matter what, will never be filled on this earth. Just a few minutes ago, I picked up my phone to call Mike. I should know by now that he won't pick up. All I have been reading (more on that in another post because the resources have been so helpful) says it will take a great deal of time to learn to live with this. Some people have mistakenly advised me to "get over it". Well, just stab me in the heart all over again!  I won't ever "get over" losing someone I loved so deeply, so tragically. It won't be as bad, though. I will one day be able to laugh at memories immeasurably more than I cry. However, it is important for me to remember that I need to have patience with myself through this grieving process. 

This blog isn't just a reminder of my happenings. Sometimes I need to write posts to remind myself of important lessons God is trying to teach me along the way. Over the last 8 months and those that follow, faith and patience resounds like blaring trumpets in my head and heart. I'm hopeful that God will refine me through this process. --- and that my friends will forgive me for their late presents!

James 1:2-6

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

GPS

I would consider myself navigationally challenged. My sense of direction is terrible. It's so bad you may find me using a GPS in my hometown! I learned to read a map in 5th grade, but with the invention of the GPS, that skill went right out the window! I've been blessed (and cursed) with knowing where I wanted to go in life and what I wanted to do, but the route to get there is sometimes hazy.

Nine weeks ago, my world as I've known it for nearly half my life changed forever. My very best friend, Mike, made the decision to leave the world forever. His absence has now completely altered my world. I live in a new reality. One I never, ever expected to live in. I miss absolutely everything about Mike. His smile. His wink. His laugh. The way he loved. Him devouring his food and then longingly looking at your plate as if to say, "Are you going to eat that?". His terrible fashion sense. Cookie cakes. My Italian lessons. Those who knew Mike, even in passing, know how amazing he was.  But, I knew him in a way many did not, and am so thankful for the blessing God allowed us to be to each other and to our families. Now he is gone. A huge part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel lost.

At times during these last two months, I have been so angry at God. Why did He not stop this from happening? He could have. He had before. This time, He didn't. I will never understand that. It is not a consolation to hear, "God needed another angel in heaven" or "This was all a part of God's plan". I cringe at those responses because I do not believe that to be the case. What I do believe is amidst the most difficult time in my life God is there. God ensured I was surrounded by my small group on that horrific night. A fellow UR classmate who I hadn't spoken to in eight years immediately reached out to me to share her experience with a similar situation. My friends from college have proven to be more loyal and comforting than I knew them to be before. Mike's family and I, together, mourn the loss of someone so special. God is there even when everything around seems strange and meaningless.

I can and will still realize many of the hopes and dreams that Mike and I shared with each other. Now, not by my side, he watches over me. I just don't know how to navigate this new reality. Thankfully, God is in control and He will be the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. He is the best GPS. I will (impatiently) wait for Him to show me the way to the happiness He has for me -- God, Please. Soon.

I love you and will miss you forever, Dude.

New York, New York

A few weeks ago,  Kathryn and I escaped life in the big city to head up 95 to an even bigger city. Normally, we take the bus or the train to NYC, but this year, Kathryn was brave and decided that we should drive. I have to say it was a really good decision. I assumed the job of navigator and EasyPass holder as we scooted up the highway on our way to Manhattan.  At least, we thought we were going to Manhattan. One of the items on our agenda was to go see the musical, "Newsies". I had never heard of Newsies, but Kathryn is a true fan. This would be the third time she has seen the show and I was thrilled at the opportunity of seeing something Kathryn loved so much with her. In preparation for our big night at the theatre, the Newsies soundtrack was on endless repeat in the car. Seriously, we probably listened to that soundtrack 6 times on the drive up and back! Several times, the lyrics mention Brooklyn. Since we had a car this time, the two of us thought it would be fun to cross the bridge and spend some time in BK on Sunday. No sooner do we make this decision and my phone rings. On the other end is the hotel saying they overbooked our hotel and are moving us to Brooklyn! Brooklyn? We just wanted to go explore on Sunday before heading out. No need to stay there for the weekend! After going back and forth on the phone for a bit, I lost, and we were redirected to BK. The snag in the plan didn't cramp our style. Off we went...

to eat some serious, finger lickin' good fried chicken and pimiento mac and cheese. My Carolina born and bred Dad would be so proud! I will definitely be returning to Hill Country Chicken. Talk about goodness!

Then we shopped and shopped for some really good bargains. Yes, it is possible to get chic fashion at low prices in NYC. Kathryn and I scored some good finds, but there's no photographic evidence for a reason ;-)!

After a stop at Pinkberry (Yes, we ate again. Kathryn is a girl after my own heart!), we trekked back to our hotel to get ready for the main attraction....

NEWSIES! I wish I was allowed to take photos in the theatre (We got yelled at for trying to sneak a few!) because Kathryn's face was priceless and heartwarming as she watched the show with such delight! As a newcomer to this craze, I wholeheartedly enjoyed the show and would definitely see it again!

After the show, we waited in anticipation for the actors to come out and greet the crowd.

Look at that mayhem! Feeling a little bit like a teeny bopper at a Justin Bieber concert, I not-so-secretly enjoyed pushing my playbill in front of the actors for autographs.

They were so gracious and humble -- except for Crutchie. We were in the subway with him and he blew passed me as I was slowly going down the stairs. The nerve!

On Sunday, we kept our original plan and had brunch in what had been "our 'hood" for the night - Brooklyn! Stuffed from pecan pie french toast (yes, please!) and pancakes, we rolled on home happy. I am so thankful for Kathryn and the fun that we always have together!

Until we see you again, NYC....

Questions

Boy, do I have a lot of questions! That's what happens when you lose the one you love so deeply, so tragically. Unfortunately, I may never have the answers to my questions. The two men who hold all of the answers, Mike and Jesus, are hanging out together in heaven. Without question, though, Mike lived a life that glorified Jesus and I will continue to live my life to glorify God and carry Mike's spirit and smile in my heart forever.

During my blog absence, my friend, Kathryn participated in a little fun going on in the blog world by answering 11 questions presented to her by a fellow blogger. You are supposed to answer them in a vlog. That's a video-blog for those thinking I can't spell. Well, let me tell you, when you have "bags that could carry a month's worth of groceries" under your eyes, tear stained cheeks, and absolutely no energy to carry on a seemingly unnecessary conversation, a vlog ain't happenin'! I do make every effort to smile, though, because Mike had a smile that could light up the whole world and he would want me to smile immeasurably more than I cry.

Ok, back to the questions. So, I am not following the rules Kathryn posted ( See, sometimes I am a rule breaker!), but I did want to have a little fun answering the questions she asked.

Now, my eleven questions aaaaaaaare….

1} Are you a freak morning person or a night owl?

 Hands down, a morning person! I get to work at 6:30am. My brain shuts down around 4pm. I struggle to stay up past 10pm. It's sad....really.....but oh well.

2} What’s the best road trip you’ve ever taken?

 Mike and I drove to Tom's River, NJ to our first annual college reunion. We stopped for Mexican food before we hit the road. Any trip that starts with Mexican food or Chick Fil-A is sure to please no matter what happens after that! We rocked out to some sweet tunes, had never-ending conversation, got lost...in the woods....by a rifle range (Yeah, just don't ask any questions)...went in circles because I am navigationally challenged and we didn't have a GPS, fought a little, quickly made up, ended up at our destination super late but safe, had a blast and came home with many stories to tell!

3} What was your first car?

A 1997 silver Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited. Our good family friend, Paula, worked in the Chrysler lobbying office and all of the employees get company cars to drive. She got to order the cars and asked me about a year before I turned 16 what my dream car would be. I gave her all the specs without knowing she would place an order. One of the employees drove it for awhile and then wanted to turn it in for a new one. Sometimes the company cars will go to a local dealership for sale. That's exactly what happened and guess who zipped around in "The Silver Bullet" until it conked out in the middle of the road 5 years ago!

4} What’s your favorite day of the week, and why?

It used to be Tuesday. It's not anymore for a variety of reasons. I have yet to figure out a replacement. Maybe Saturday, but I really have no reason to claim that day as a favorite. 

5} What bad habit of other people’s is most annoying to you?

Smacking. I.cannot.stand.it. When I express my irritation towards this habit, people tell me their food tastes better if they smack it. I guarantee you it doesn't. And, I promise your loud mouth noises are ruining my dining experience, interfering with my ability to enjoy my food. Can you tell I'm annoyed?

6} If someone made a movie of your life, who would play present-day you?

Let's just go all out and say Halle Berry! A girl can dream, right?

7} What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?

HA! The very first day of my first professional job out of college I received a very important task. Sorting candy. Hershey's miniatures, to be exact. I was asked to sort the Hershey bars, from the Mr. Goodbars, from the Krackle, from the Special Dark and place them in separate bowls. Bags and bags of candy.  I am not kidding. The nickname "Candy Girl" followed me for quite some time. The job eventually got more substantive and was an important step to my success today, but I still cringe when I look at a bag of Hershey's miniatures!

8} Obama or Romney?  Just kidding—don’t answer that. Answer this:Team Gale or Team Peeta?

I am embarrassed to tell you I have no idea how to answer this. I haven't jumped on "The Hunger Games" bandwagon. I haven't even just skipped the books and gone straight to the movie. So, I have no idea. Now, I could answer the question Kathryn said not to answer, but I won't. I will point you to my post on elephants, though, because they're really cool and were the highlight of my trip to Thailand!

9} What would you consider the most important event in your life so far?

Graduating from college. My time spent at University of Richmond prepared me so well for the real world. I am truly a better person because of the experience. I attribute my success to the opportunities I was given in college. The bonds of friendship are also unparallelled and I look forward to continuing to share life with my Spiders. Graduation was a gateway to a life I never dreamed of and am so thankful to have. Of course, I thank God for all of this, so you could say that poignant night in September 1999 on Martha's Vineyard when I understood what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus was the most important too.

10} Do you have any phobias?

Ok, try to control your laughter and not think of me as a total wuss. I am afraid of throwing up. It is called emetophobia. It sounds so silly, but it's real. It's not that I just don't like throwing up. Who does? I shake, I cry, I hyperventilate if I feel nauseous. If someone else tells me they feel nauseous, my palms start getting sweaty, I twitch, I avoid being close to them or offering any comfort to them in an event that they might upchuck. I am too busy trying to "hide". I used to contemplate not getting pregnant because of the possibility of getting morning sickness, but God bless the man/woman who made Zofran!  It's a miracle drug for me!

11} Would you rather…always have a popcorn kernel stuck in your throat OR have Cheeto fingers forever?

This is easy as pie. I would rather have Cheeto fingers forever. Having a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat would probably mean it would be difficult to talk. I can't live without talking. I'll take the Cheeto fingers and buy stock in Bounty paper towels because I would constantly be trying to get the "orange gook" out of everything.

The rules say I am supposed to come up with 11 of my own questions and tag 11 fellow bloggers. I've been a little anti-social these days, so that's just not happenin' either. I did have fun with these, though, and hope you don't think I am total weirdo have a little fun reading them.