GPS

I would consider myself navigationally challenged. My sense of direction is terrible. It's so bad you may find me using a GPS in my hometown! I learned to read a map in 5th grade, but with the invention of the GPS, that skill went right out the window! I've been blessed (and cursed) with knowing where I wanted to go in life and what I wanted to do, but the route to get there is sometimes hazy.

Nine weeks ago, my world as I've known it for nearly half my life changed forever. My very best friend, Mike, made the decision to leave the world forever. His absence has now completely altered my world. I live in a new reality. One I never, ever expected to live in. I miss absolutely everything about Mike. His smile. His wink. His laugh. The way he loved. Him devouring his food and then longingly looking at your plate as if to say, "Are you going to eat that?". His terrible fashion sense. Cookie cakes. My Italian lessons. Those who knew Mike, even in passing, know how amazing he was.  But, I knew him in a way many did not, and am so thankful for the blessing God allowed us to be to each other and to our families. Now he is gone. A huge part of me is missing. Sometimes I feel lost.

At times during these last two months, I have been so angry at God. Why did He not stop this from happening? He could have. He had before. This time, He didn't. I will never understand that. It is not a consolation to hear, "God needed another angel in heaven" or "This was all a part of God's plan". I cringe at those responses because I do not believe that to be the case. What I do believe is amidst the most difficult time in my life God is there. God ensured I was surrounded by my small group on that horrific night. A fellow UR classmate who I hadn't spoken to in eight years immediately reached out to me to share her experience with a similar situation. My friends from college have proven to be more loyal and comforting than I knew them to be before. Mike's family and I, together, mourn the loss of someone so special. God is there even when everything around seems strange and meaningless.

I can and will still realize many of the hopes and dreams that Mike and I shared with each other. Now, not by my side, he watches over me. I just don't know how to navigate this new reality. Thankfully, God is in control and He will be the lamp unto my feet and the light unto my path. He is the best GPS. I will (impatiently) wait for Him to show me the way to the happiness He has for me -- God, Please. Soon.

I love you and will miss you forever, Dude.