Unconditional love

Over the last year and a half, I have learned what it means to love and be loved unconditionally.  I don't think you realize how much you truly love someone until you are at risk of losing them.  It was around this time last year that Dude's behavior took an odd and troublesome turn.  As I have said to the countless friends who have asked me what happened, in the end, he was not himself.  He was unrecognizable, even.  In one of our last conversations, I remember "yelling", "Who ARE you? I don't even know who I am talking to anymore!" It was sad and frustrating and confusing to watch my best friend, the man who knew me better than anyone else and vice versa, transform into a different person. With that, came some very difficult times. But, it was during this time that I knew how much I loved him and wouldn't be able to stand to lose him.  Regardless of the erratic behavior, I would not walk away.  I would love him unconditionally. Being loved by him in return was such a blessing.

Then the unspeakable, the unthinkable happened. My world was rocked.  My heart was broken.  He was gone.  Forever.

Admittedly, the last 10 months have been quite an adjustment for me.  I have never experienced such pain and been in such a low spot in my life.  I am not the same person I was when Dude was alive and am learning what it means to live with the loss. I am learning that the relationship has transformed, but the love remains.

If I am honest, I have not been the most fun person to be around.  I am not constantly crying, but the spark that I once had (Anyone see The Bachelor this week?  Tierra is quoted saying she has sparkle!) is a little dim.  But, my friends have been amazing.  Many have done what they can to show me how much I am loved and to uncover my sparkle, as Tierra would say.  (This was intended to be a serious post, but Tierra and her uncontrollable eyebrow just fit in perfectly!)  They have invited me to do things with them.  Sometimes I accept the invitation.  Sometimes I decline.  It feels like some people have walked away.  But the ones that are there, are there and I am just so thankful. The roller coaster of emotions that you experience in grief is certainly not fun for the griever, but it can't possibly be a thrill ride for those who have been beside me. However, as a close friend wrote in a birthday card this year, "I'm eager to continue to walk this road with you and to see what God has in store." Can you say amazing? She is not at all related to this tragedy.  Talk about unconditional love.  It is so easy for me to fall into the woe-is-me-all-of-this-is-so-sad territory, but just when I start to choose that path, God slaps me in the face with blessings and love.  That I cannot miss. Unconditional love.  And, it is awesome.

Speaking of God, there have been so many times in the last 10 months that I have been all out angry with Him.  I'm talking fuming type of angry.  Why oh why oh why did any of this happen?  It seems senseless and pointless....and maybe it is.  I believe Dude taking his own life broke God's heart as much as it has broken mine.  But, I also believe that God scooped Dude up into His loving arms and brought him to heaven at the time of his death.  And I believe that as mad as I can get at God at times for all that has happened, He is still there for me and He loves me.   Each time I am tempted to turn away, He is there, listening patiently, crying with me, showing me unconditional love.

So, today is Valentine's Day.  Many people are going to celebrate with the love of their life.  They are so blessed.  I don't have a Valentine this year.  One day, I will.  No valentine, but I am blessed too.  I have learned what it means to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally in return.

One day, my sparkle will return.  But, today, I am celebrating Valentine's Day by getting a haircut.  And, while I'm at it, I should make sure those eyebrows are under control because sparkle with uncontrollable eyebrows is just unacceptable!!  You'd still love me unconditionally, though, wouldn't you? Sorry had to do it.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but it rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7