Day 14: A Photo I Love

When pondering this question, this photo immediately came to mind.  This is one of my favorite photos ever.  It’s a little blurry, but just ignore that.

I simultaneously love and am totally freaked out by this photo.

I am an only child.

He is not my brother.

He is not my cousin.

He is not my parents’ long lost son.

He is not, in the least bit, related to me.

Joseph is a friend of mine.

But, we undoubtedly look like we could be brother and sister.

It freaks us out.

It freaks our families out.

Joseph has a sister.  She doesn’t look anything like me.

I always wanted an older brother.

I love this photo.

Day 13: My Life Goals

I had trouble writing this post.  At first, I was just going to list my life goals.  The list includes, going to law school, having a happy and lifelong marriage, mothering children, making a difference in the world, being an inspiration to someone….
Then I realized some of these are completely out of my control. I want to make goals that I know are achievable.  Consequently, my life goals are to be content in my circumstances and to trust God.

I have learned over the last year that life can change in an instant.  I have learned that you can go from contentment to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds.  I have learned to appreciate the little things in life.  I have learned that sometimes you can do your best and still feel like you’ve failed. I have learned that I am not in control.

This past year has been full of sadness and struggle.  Not just with the death of my very best friend, but with my parents’ health issues, and my ongoing law school saga.  I’d think my life would make a pretty good soap opera these days.  Just when things start to look up, something else happens and I just can’t seem to get ahead.  It’s been rough.  It’s been devastating.  It’s been full of grief.  It’s been ever changing.  But, the one constant is that

God has been present amidst it all.

I never want to forget that.

I haven’t been happy.  I am ready to let this grief and happiness co-mingle.  I am ready for bright, sunny days – literally and figuratively.  I also haven’t trusted God the way I should.  I have been angry at Him.  Frustrated.  Sad.  Confused. Worried.  But He is still there.

So, my life goal is to be content and to trust in Him.  I have a lot of work to do in this area, but that’s OK.  I am not expected to be there right now.  That’s why it is called a goal and not an accomplishment.

Not THE Answer But It Helps

Dude's death will never make sense.  At times, I feel like I failed.  I know I shouldn't feel that way.  I know it wasn't my fault.  I don't blame myself.  But I do wonder.  I wonder why God did not stop it from happening.  I wonder what Dude was thinking that day.  I wonder at what exact moment he made the decision.  I wonder why none of us closest to him could get through to him and show him life is/was worth living.  I wonder how mental illness and depression can just suck the life out of one of University of Richmond's most eligible bachelors.  How such a bright light in the world can be completely enveloped in darkness - a darkness I hope to never understand. 

Those of us closest to Dude have sat around trying to understand.  We ask questions of each other hoping that someone has the million dollar answer.  We've poured over the reports from the doctors and the autopsy.  We go back and forth, but I liken it to being on a seesaw.  You keep moving up and down, but you never truly go anywhere.  Unfortunately, no matter how hard I/we try, we will never know the real answer.  I am not even sure if Dude would know the true reason he did what he did.  He might, but I won't find out til I get to heaven.  And, at that point, I won't even care!  I'll just be so excited to see him again.

I've done a lot of grief work over the last 14 months.  It's been absolutely essential to my grief journey.  No matter how hard I work, I can't bring him back.  I can't truly understand why this happened.  But, I do have to and want to move forward.  To honor him.  To honor God.  To live the life laid out before me. 

For the most part, I've accepted that this has happened.  I don't like it, but that doesn't change a thing.  I will always struggle with this to some degree.  But, every once and awhile, I find something that provides a little solace. 

“I had tried years earlier to kill myself, and nearly died in the attempt, but did not consider it either a selfish or a not-selfish thing to have done. It was simply the end of what I could bear, the last afternoon of having to imagine waking up the next morning only to start all over again with a thick mind and black imaginings. It was the final outcome of a bad disease, a disease it seemed to me I would never get the better of. No amount of love from or for other people-and there was a lot-could help. No advantage of a caring family and fabulous job was enough to overcome the pain and hopelessness I felt; no passionate or romantic love, however strong, could make a difference. Nothing alive and warm could make its way in through my carapace. I knew my life to be a shambles, and I believed-incontestably-that my family, friends, and patients would be better off without me. There wasn't much of me left anymore, anyway, and I thought my death would free up the wasted energies and well-meant efforts that were being wasted on my behalf." ― Kay Redfield Jamison, Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide

It's not THE answer, but it helps.

I love you and miss you, Dude.

Day 12: I believe

I believe....

• Life is too short and fragile not to laugh and smile every day regardless of the circumstances.

• You should always eat cake on your birthday.  Eat it for breakfast.  Make it a la mode.  However, whenever.  Just do it.

• Using a water bottle or hairbrush as a microphone makes you sound better when singing.      

• Dessert should be eaten at least once a week

•  The beach calms the soul

• Dogs are often the best medicine

• God answers prayers

• In miracles

• Wine and cupcakes make almost anything better

• In treating everyone the way you want to be treated regardless of whether or not they can do anything for you.

• Drinking water while working makes you more effective (this is a little quirk of mine).

• You can never say “I love you” too many times to those who love you back.

• You can learn a great deal from those who are different than you.

• Traveling is not only fun, it is necessary for growth.

• Jesus is the son of God

• In myself

Day 11: A Recent Photo

I don’t take many photos.  That’s mostly because my hands are always occupied with my two canes.  I love photos.  Typically, you will find me bugging the people I am with to “take that. Get this!”  If I do take a photo, I have to be sitting down.  And, even then, the chances of it coming out straight are slim.  My right hand does not turn over all the way, so the camera is never quite balanced.  It is always a little crooked thanks to my disability.  The bottom line is if you want your photo taken, I am not your go to person!  I do, occasionally, get a good shot.  This is one of them.

I took this photo of my parents on the beach in Aruba.  I was laying on a lounge chair contemplating life and they walked up to me after a long walk on the beach.  Since I was laying down, I was able to get this at an angle.  I like it a lot.  I think it really captures my parents’ personalities, their differences, their  relationship, their love.  

Day 10: My Biggest Fear

I always try to be as authentic as possible on this blog.  When you have a disability, you get lots of stares and assumptions from people, so I’ve sort of learned not to pay attention to what other people think about me.  With that said, though, I am human, and it does bother me to some degree.  I am, in no way, completely immune to being affected by what others think of me. I preface that because I am sure some people are going to think my biggest fear is silly, but I’m just keepin’ it real on here.

My biggest fear is never getting married.  I should clarify that to say not being in a happy marriage.  I get proposals from homeless men on the street all the time.  I am sure if I didn’t have high standards and wanted to settle, I could, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to be married for the sake of being married.  I don’t want to be married because it is what I am supposed to do in life.  I want to be married because I want to share that deep love and bond with another person.  Life is meant to be lived and shared and we are meant to be with another.  I want to raise a family.  I want to be my husband’s biggest fan.  I want to love and support him and his family.  I want to experience all of the peaks and valleys with the love of my life, my teammate.   I know what it is like to have a deep connection and unbreakable bond with another person.  I want that again – and then some more.  Like a few kiddos and a dog, too.  It’s my biggest fear because it is somewhat out of my control.  If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it is that God is in control and I am not.  That sounds so simple, but it is easy to forget when times are good.  When deep sorrow and heartache enter the scene, the loss of control stares you dead in the face.  I can certainly do things to help myself find the person I am going to marry, but ultimately, God is the best one to pick out my husband.

I wholeheartedly believe I will be married one day.  But, what if I am wrong?  I don’t want to be wrong.  I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to settle for fear of being alone.  I hope and pray that God brings my husband – and soon. 

I look at my friends’ lives and feel so far behind sometimes.  I know it is not all a bowl of cherries for them.  In some cases, I see couples and think I do not want that.  But, what I do want is a loving, lifelong relationship with the one God created for me.

I pray that is what God wants for me, too. 

Day 9: The Great Steak Dinner

Today, I am supposed to share a photo of my friends.  Given that I have a lot of different groups of friends, I didn’t feel like searching for a bunch of photos only to risk leaving someone important out.  Instead, I want to talk about just one of my friends, my college roommate, Meredith, also known by me as “Hoops” and our great steak dinner.

After being accepted to University of Richmond, I filled out my roommate questionnaire and prayed for a tall roommate.  I wanted a tall roommate because I am so short and can’t reach anything up high.  In the middle of the summer, I received my roommate assignment.  All that was listed on the sheet was her name and where she was from: Meredith from Mt. Laurel, New Jersey.  We talked on the phone to get to know each other a little bit and to divide up who would bring what for our dorm room.  She seemed really nice and I was excited to meet her.  Not once did either one of us ask what the other looked like.  I guess that just wasn’t important. 

On move-in day, this 6’3’’ beautiful woman with the longest legs walked through the threshold of my dorm room.  I prayed for a tall roommate, but tall to me was 5’7’’.  God came through big and gave me a woman taller than my father!!  Not only is she tall, but she loves sports just as much as I do.  She also really enjoyed listening to music and we had a morning ritual of jammin’ out to some tunes while getting ready every morning.  We didn’t have the same classes or the same group of friends, but the two of us became fast friends.  Our late night conversations before bed were often the best part of the day because we had so much to catch each other up on. Hoops was a wonderful roommate.

Sophomore year, we both decided to spread our wings and room with other people.  We quickly realized that we missed being together and decided to room together for the remainder of our years on campus.  We reunited and it felt so good.
At University of Richmond, all the roommates that lived together for four years received a steak dinner at the end of senior year.  Since Meredith and I skipped one year, we were not eligible for the free steak dinner.  We were always kind of bummed about this.  A couple weeks ago, when she was in town, we decided to pretend like it was 2004 and go for our steak dinner.

We each had steak and then walked up to the cupcake place to grab some dessert.

 Nothing tops off a wonderful day better than a cupcake.  Duh!

 
Before we feasted, we hung out in my condo chatting.  As we were about to walk out the door, I realized I should brush my hair to look a little more presentable.  Meredith kindly offered to brush it for me.  This is significant because Meredith would always do my hair for my big sorority functions.  I guarantee you anytime my hair looked nice in college it was thanks to my roommate.  The range of motion in my arm is somewhat limited, so consequently, so are my hairstyles.  Meredith always wanted to make sure I looked my best and did my hair on many occasions.

A day with Meredith in town would not be complete without a little shopping.  My condo is surrounded by shops, so we hopped into a few, purchased some goodies, and she headed on home.

I will always refer to Meredith as “my roommate”.  I haven’t had another one since and would like to keep it that way.