To sum it all up, 2011 has been a pretty crummy year! There have certainly been some highlights that I will talk about in a feature blog post, but for the most part, thumbs down (or at least sideways!) to this year. I've felt stuck. Every attempt I've made to move forward has been thwarted. I pray feverishly to move forward yet constantly feel like I am being yanked back! God and I have talked about it. A lot. But, I've felt like He wasn't listening. I know He was because He always does, but I haven't felt like I've been heard.
When I start to doubt I stop hoping and dreaming and I start to fear. I fear that despite the fact that my deepest desire is to be married and have a family I will be alone living with 6 cats for the rest of my life. That's so silly. God says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." And, I don't even like cats! So, the chances of that fear actually becoming a reality are slim to none! I also really want to start the foundation for children with disabilities. It seems daunting. I had a friend who was helping and then that support kind of just fizzled away and I felt overwhelmed and set that dream aside for now. But, I want it and know it is going to take a lot of work to make it happen. I also know I have a lot of support from people who actually know what they're doing when it comes to non-profits. So, it's time to "get back on the horse" and get movin'!
Then there's the story of my condo. I wanted to move back in June. I gave my tenant an extension until the end of September. He wrecked the place in that time. I had surgery in October. I haven't been back to the place yet. I've literally been sitting for 9 weeks and am slowly getting back to normal. Needless to say, the three things most important to me right now seem as if they have been removed from my reach.
Yesterday, what I believed to be a random box from Barnes and Noble arrived on my parents' doorstep addressed to me. My mom questioned whether my dad or I had ordered something from there. Recently, I've gone crazy with online shopping, but Barnes and Noble was not a site I visited. I tore opened the box, intrigued by what could be inside. Tucked away in the cardboard was a book from my pastor. The book: "The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears". The note inside indicated he and his wife were thanking me for a donation I had made. I donated because I believed in the mission of the church, never expecting anything in return. But in my days of doubt, an unexpected surprise, this book, arrives.
I think God is trying to tell me something. I better hurry up and read this book all while continuing to trust Him. He's got something wonderful in store.
And, when I am done, I'll let you know how it is. You might want to check it out for yourself.