She's just "Age" to me!

It all started one week in September 1998 on Martha's Vineyard. I attended my first overnight camp with three of my high school friends. I had no idea what to expect, but that week ended up being one of the most memorable of my life! I slept in The Barn, made new friends from all over the country, sang praise and worship songs, gallivanted all over the island, ate "Oh baby" bars, learned what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus and asked Him to come into my heart. As if all of that wasn't enough for five days, God brought a woman named Amy Julia Truesdell into my life. Ever since I understood what siblings were and that being an only child meant I wasn't ever going to have any, I began praying for siblings. I'm convinced that God answered that prayer when He forged my relationship with Amy Julia (AJ/Age).

When my friends and I returned home from camp on the Vineyard, we brought AJ home with us. She stayed for a year with Grace Barnes' family. Throughout that year, my friends and I "Experienced God" with AJ, she and I single-handedly kept Maggie Moos in business, and she sat beside me every day for a week while I was in the hospital getting some painful injections. At the end of the year, we sent her off to become Amy Julia Becker and pioneer the GRAFOCUS region.

Little did I know that just one year later, I would join Age and Peter down in Richmond, Va. It was such a blessing to have someone I was so close to in a place unfamiliar to me. As I embarked on my college journey, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else by my side. During my time as a Spider, I volunteered with GRAFOCUS and continued to strengthen my bond with Age and Peter. We were in the same city for 3 years and that was the last time we would live so close to each other. But, the distance hasn't broken our bond.

When asked who I would consider one of the most influential people in my life, the answer is easy. Amy Julia Becker, of course! She has taught me what it means to have a relationship with Christ and how to live that out in everyday life. She's taught me how to have faith, strength and grace in the face of adversity. I've increased my vocabulary thanks to Age, and have learned the "proper balance" between Diet Coke and water during the day! Just a few months ago, I spent the day with all of the Beckers and learned a little something about parenting that I can hopefully use in a few years. AJ has influenced my past, present and future.

For the last 15 years (and counting), Amy Julia has been such a blessing in my life. I watch and I learn.

Not the most flattering photo as I had just had surgery, but it's our most recent

Now, the rest of the world is in on my secret. Amy Julia Becker was just named "One of the 50 Women to Watch" by Christianity Today!! An accomplished author, blogger, and advocate for people with Downs Syndrome and other disabilities, she is sharing her faith and talent beyond FOCUS and her other spheres of influence. If you are interested in learning more about AJ or in reading her books, go here.

There she is in the top left corner!

I am SO proud of her! But, no matter how famous she becomes, she'll always be Age to me!

The hall pass to grieve

Remember when you were in elementary school and had to not only ask to go to the bathroom, but had to get a hall pass and maybe even a buddy to go with you? In most cases, you were perfectly capable of making it there and back on your own. Still, you were forced to ask permission to do what you needed to do.

Grieving feels that way, at times. People, under the guise of trying to be helpful - and they probably are sincerely trying to be helpful -- throw all of this information and judgment at you. Some will discuss the stages of grief and comment on what stage they think you are at and whether or not it is healthy to be at that stage. Others will put a timeline on your grief based on where they think they would be if they were in your situation and judge you against their hypothetical standard. At times, friends and family have implored me to stop crying...be happy...focus on the good times...remember that he would want you to be happy.

I've heard:

"Do you know how many cupcakes you have had today?"

"You've had a glass of wine EVERY DAY this week!?!?!"

"Maybe instead of what you are doing to help yourself, you should do _____ or _______ or _______ because that helped my friend.

It is human nature to do and say all of those things. I'm confident I have said some combination of those things to another person grieving. It is human nature to try to "stop the bleeding", or at the very least, put a band-aid on the situation. Nobody wants to see someone they care about in so much pain, and they will do what they think is right to stop the pain.

The truth is sometimes the griever does not want to stop the pain. They want to work through the pain. Working through the pain means doing what is right for you, and this is different for every person. It may mean crying, writing, laughing, getting angry, stuffing your face with sweets, individual counseling, group counseling, talking in circles with people who understand the situation best, or just asking a person to sit beside you even if you don't say one word to each other. It takes different forms at different times.

There is no timeline to grief. You can have a really great week and then be slammed with grief and pain for a day or two. One thing you know is that you don't know and there is no definitive end. Unfortunately, grief can resurface years later at a birthday, anniversary or significant event. What I've learned is the key is to work through grief early on so that if it does return, it is not as intense and you know what works to manage it -- to manage it and not stop living your life.

But sometimes you just need the hall pass to grieve.

If we could tell you one thing...

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I wish I didn't have a reason to know that, but I do. As family and friends of Mike, if we could pass on a message in light of what we have experienced, we would tell you this:

Depression/mental illness can affect anyone. It does not discriminate. It is an illness.  It is not your fault. If you found out that you had cancer, you would go to the doctor and get treatment. Please do the same for your depression or mental illness. 

There are two different types of depression - situational and clinical. Situational depression will improve as your situation improves. With clinical depression, this is not the case. Your situation can improve, but you may still feel depressed. Medication and counseling are key to improving and managing your clinical depression. Depression fogs your vision and fills your mind with a bunch of lies. The difficulty comes in separating the lies and the illness from who you really are.

If we could tell you one thing, it would be that there is hope for you if you suffer from depression. You are worth it.  You are worth it in the eyes of God, your family and your friends. We'd also tell you that God, your family, and your friends will stand by you and support you as you embark on the courageous journey to deal with your depression. You are not alone.

As a suicide survivor, I cannot even begin to explain the pain and devastation I have felt in the aftermath of Mike's death. I have experienced a lot of different types of pain and trauma in my life and this is different. I have not felt this pain before. Confusion, anger, abandonment, shock, deep sadness, and relief that he is safe and healthy again are all emotions I have experienced and will continue to experience throughout this journey to healing. However, I also cannot even begin to explain the pain that Mike felt in dealing with his depression on a daily basis. Excruciating, at best, I'd imagine.

I am in an online suicide survivor support group. Each week, the facilitator welcomes new members. Every time she posts a "welcome" message, I can feel myself getting agitated. Nobody wants to be welcomed to this group. We don't want to be a part of it, but are forced to be as a result of what has happened in our lives. I don't want her to have to welcome anymore members, so I leave you with this:

There is hope. Risk a friendship to potentially save a life. Encourage your friends and family to get the help they not only need but deserve. If you suffer from depression, as you seek help, know that you are embarking on a difficult but courageous journey. It is worth it.

You are worth it.

Calm down, Killer

Hey Dude, It's your birthday, we're gonna party like it's your birthday, we're gonna drink Bacardi like it's your birthday, and you know, we don't give a ______ it's not your birthday! It was your birthday yesterday, though. I wouldn't say I partied, but I did make an effort to celebrate you in every way that I could.

I'm not going to lie. The day before and yesterday morning were rough. The intense heartache and sleeplessness returned. I decided to get out of bed Wednesday morning (I didn't really sleep that night), and my heart hurt so badly, I was worried I might get to actually celebrate your birthday with you. Then I heard your voice in my head.

Calm down, Killer. You used to call me Killer (because I have "guns" for arms), but only when you thought I was (dare I say) overreacting. Calm down, Killer didn't come out of your mouth too often over the last 12 years, but when it did, I paid attention and reassessed. All day yesterday, Calm down, Killer resounded in my head as if it was stuck on repeat. You knew I'd be sad to not be able to make a huge deal over your special day, but you wanted me to celebrate you, too. I did my best to maintain normal life while doing things just for you!

I started out the morning by enjoying some chai tea. I know you liked it iced, but I never understood how you drank that stuff cold! I love chai tea and drink it everyday, but I like it hot! So, hot it was! On the way to work, I listened to a few songs in Italian on the Il Divo cd. Every operatic note in a foreign language pained Dad, but he sucked it up for you and I enjoyed every minute. I sang right along, but I was also trying to see how many words I could understand given my Italian lessons from you (and my Spanish major. The languages are similar). Then I got to work and was so busy all day. I had to finish my performance appraisal. Remember when we used to pump each other up during appraisal time because we felt so silly attempting to say "I'm awesome" in professional language? I did the best to write how I awesome I was during the year. I made it sound like I was "King James great"!

My lunch consisted of some Chick-Fil-a and a serving of goldfish. I love that one serving is a whopping 55 pieces! Remember when you ate a whole bag of goldfish for lunch one day?
You had about 12 servings, Dude!!

After work, I went to the gym like I always do. I almost cancelled because I didn't think I would have energy, but then I remembered that Uncle Brian said working out makes you feel better. He's right, so I kept my appointment. Jen was super understanding and we got to do one cane walking OUTSIDE! You know I love walking outside. It's best when I try with no canes, but that's been more difficult since my surgery. One cane was a big step and so fun. You would have been excited to see me go! And, this guy approached us and decided to tell me I walk funny because I got too many flu shots --- that guy was on crack, so I said thank you, and merrily moved along.

I couldn't wait to finish the workout because I knew I had food waiting. Yeah, me and food -- in love. I wanted to celebrate you by going to the Japanese steakhouse. I pigged out there and sucked down a strawberry daiquiri (so I did have some Bacardi like the song says)! So good, Dude. And, the hibachi chef told dumb jokes while he was cooking. "What do you call a cow who visits the Vatican?" "A holy cow!" You'd tell jokes like that so he made me smile and remember you once more. For dessert, I went to the cupcake place right by my condo and got a cupcake. C'mon, you know I'd prefer to not let a day go by without a cupcake, but I especially have to indulge on your birthday! On Wednesday, the bakery gives away free cupcakes, if you know the password. I know the password, so I got mine for nada! I really do carry your spirit around with me. The last 5 months I have been such a bargain shopper! Yup, I knew you'd be proud.

The night wasn't that easy, but our friends have been so good to me that the hard times are made much easier. I know you are watching over me and Jesus is there, too. Although, I did have a thought. Since you died at 30, you will forever be a dashing young man. If I don't die til I'm ninety, you might be greeting a wrinkly old lady at heaven's gate. Keep watching over me. I want you recognize me when I see you again.

Remember me. I will always remember you.


Ti amo, Killer 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUDE!

Happy birthday to the man who

• was loyal, genuine, loving, funny, kind, thoughtful, and creative
• had a smile that could light up the whole world
• mastered the art of winking (he'd laugh at my attempts)
• put others before himself
• had google skills that were a force to be reckoned with -- no wonder he started off as an attorney doing electronic discovery!
• started his workday mornings off with an iced chai
• had a heart for helping the less fortunate
• was the definition of a servant leader
• was fearless and loved the time he went skydiving
• could make a mean Fatigati lasagna, but was known to pass Stauffers off as the family recipe
• was a sleep walker and still has all of us laughing at his late night shenanigans
• had been known to rock out to Katy Perry and the Grease soundtrack (and would kill me if he knew I just divulged that in a public forum!)
• had enviable dance moves
• always got blamed for eating the last of everything because, well, he did!
• never put the toilet seat down
• enjoyed sending surprises
• would never pass up a cannoli, a DQ cookies and cream blizzard, cookie cake or a frosty
• liked parties
• loved camping, kayaking, golf, and bowling
• hated sleeping on air mattresses. the floor was perfectly comfortable to him.
• traveled and studied all over the world
• was never on time
• would just show up in Big Blue -- you could see him coming from miles away!
• bled black and gold
• wouldn't think twice about opening up his wallet and giving money to the poor -- he was always generous in donating to good causes or organizations important to him
• was prom king, class president, and most outstanding student in his law school class. he was most deserving of these titles
• loved anything Italian -- the food, the country, the language, his relatives, his dual citizenship
• influenced so many in his short time here with his love for Jesus, his family and his friends
• was my very best friend and will be missed and loved forever

Michael James Clements

September 5, 1981 - April 3, 2012

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE! 

I love you to heaven and back, JB

Better Luck next time - HTTR!

Thanks to the generosity of my parents' neighbors, my dad and I were in attendance for the big match-up -- Luck vs. RG3, the top two draft picks, the Indianapolis Colts vs the Washington Redskins. As it turns out, a good group of people from my dad's office were also going to the game and invited us to tailgate with them. We had such a blast - and the Skins won!!

We tailgated next to this guy.

 Redskins fans are serious. We have lots of pride. It hurts to be a fan most of the time, but we don't give up!

 Rain or shine, we are out there cheering for the burgundy and gold! And, we sure don't let some rain ruin our tailgate.

 Don invited a Cowboy fan to the game. He said he wanted to take her to see a winning team!  He got a little confused for a moment. HA!

 We all work together. Well, actually they are work in my dad's office and mine is just around the corner. I come and hang out sometimes because their digs are way more fun than mine!

 After filling up on hot dogs, hamburgers, and sausage we went in to watch the game.

Below are the marching band and the "First ladies of football". I think we are the only team with a marching band and I love when they play our fight song!

 A bunch of these guys are about to get cut, including Cooley and Hightower! Disgruntled fan right here! I didn't even get to wear my Hightower jersey yet!

 There he is, ladies and gentleman, the man we hope holds the key to some success!! RG3!!

 Hail to the Redskins, Hail victory!

Braves on the warpath, fight for old DC
Run or pass and score -- we want a lot more!

Beat 'em, Swamp 'em, TOUCHDOWN

Let the points soar!

Fight on, fight on, til you have won

Sons of Washington

Rah, Rah, Rah

Hail to the Redskins!

Hail Victory

Braves on the Warpath

FIGHT for old DC!!

Acceptance and Anticipation

It's been 5 months since I last spoke to Dude on the phone. It's been nearly 5 months since I called the police and 12 hours later received the horrific news. Since April 3rd, I have had what I have dubbed "the triple threat nightmare" only once. To protect Dude, our family and our friends, I won't share the details of "the triple threat nightmare". You'd rather not know, anyway.

I can't count how many times since we've received the news, I've remarked to our family and friends that I feel like we are living a nightmare.

"We are", they reply.

Oh, right. We are. But, we won't wake up from this nightmare. It's reality.

Hate is a strong word, but I think it is appropriate for this situation. I hate that Dude was in so much pain. I hate that he felt that leaving the world forever was the best option. I hate that all of our valiant efforts failed. I hate that this is now a part of my life and will be forever.

I don't blame myself. I did everything I could. I loved him and was there for him. I hate that this is my new reality, but I have to accept it.

Acceptance means I can no longer pretend that he is away and is going to come back. He is dead. Gone and not coming back. Acceptance brings sadness.

I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss our conversations. I miss spending time with him. I miss making realistic plans and pretending that one day we will fulfill our wildest dreams. I miss our "play fights to practice our lawyer skills". Yes, we are kind of nerdy and really did this. He actually still owes me a cupcake because I won the last one. I even miss the bad times. Things weren't perfect. I won't even pretend that they were. Sometimes they were very hard. But, they were real.

Now, this nightmare is real. I live in a new reality and am learning what it means to adjust to that and fully and truly live within it. Part of adjusting is dealing with the anniversaries, birthdays and holidays.

Dude's birthday is one week from today and I am already anticipating how I will feel. The only thing I know for certain is that I will go to the cupcake shop by my condo and get a free cupcake. He would expect me to celebrate with a cupcake and would be so proud of me for getting it for free! 

I've been anticipating his birthday for days, and I've realized anticipation doesn't help anything. Throughout this journey, I've been advised to take it one day at a time. It makes sense. You can only walk one step at a time. Anticipating your steps doesn't get you anywhere! You have to actually take a step to move forward. Anticipation only makes you stuck. Taking steps moves you further than you were before.

I didn't choose this path. I am forced to walk down this road. I don't like it, but I accept it.

I just can't believe I have to.