A Rainy Day

It started raining last night and has been raining off and on all day. It feels like we've had a lot more rain than usual this Fall.  The leaves on the trees seem more brilliant. I heard the sharp hues of red, yellow, and orange are thanks to the rain. Science was never a strength of mine. I have no idea if there is solid proof to back up this theory, but it sounds good to me so I'm going with it. "April showers bring May flowers -- rain way past our due (share) brings a sharper hue" Ok, well, it doesn't really rhyme, but you get the idea!

Now that I am starting to feel better, I am getting anxious. Antsy. Trapped. Not just physically, but emotionally. I want this cast off. I want to be able to move. Even if it is just baby steps. It feels as if someone super-glued me to my current position in life and I am stuck. Recently, my friends have shared with me the wonderful news of engagements, pregnancies, babies or much anticipated trips! Let me tell you, I am SO excited for all of them and am thinking of ways to make them feel special during such important events in their lives! But, on the other hand, their progress is a reminder to me that I am stuck and I am not sure of the next steps that would allow me to progress too.

Then while catching up on my blogroll I come across this:


Not what I needed to see! It certainly resonated with me except I would change it just a bit. I have been somebody's first choice just once. I don't want to be somebody first choice just once or even a few times anymore. To not have to wrack my brain over the best date to take to an upcoming wedding would be so nice. To have a teammate to explore the world with and to ride the waves of life would be a true blessing. I want to be somebody's first choice FOREVER.

It's raining right now. Outside and in my heart. It's a good thing I can't move because I don't know where to go. All I can do is pray. The rain brings brighter colors. Beautiful flowers. Rainbows.

Dear God, please bring my rainbow soon. 

Hodge Podge 11/16/11

1. What song reminds you of a specific time in your life and what is it about that song that makes you remember? 

"I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan is the song a group of us sang at my graduation from high school. Every time I hear this song since then, I think of graduation. I also always wonder what possessed us to choose that song. It sounds like a funeral song. While it was sad to leave my classmates, it wasn't THAT sad!

2. What's something you've given up on?

 

Being artistic. I am just not. I never have been and never will be. I have other talents. I also have lots of artistic friends, so when I need something to look pretty, I enlist them to help.

3. What's something you'll never give up on?

 I will never give up on trying to find a way to ensure physically able people view people with disabilities as handi-capable instead of handicapped. We so desperately want you to see us for who we are and what we can do, not what we can't.

4. If you had to cook something from scratch in the next hour what would it be?

The real question is "Do I know how to cook anything from scratch?"

5. Have you started Christmas shopping? Decorating? Listening to Christmas music?

I bought one thing for my mom yesterday. I've also started making my Christmas list. I won't start the decorating or listening to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving no matter how hard it is to resist the temptation to do so before the feast!

6. What do you know about your parent's wedding?

My dad says he knew the moment he met my mom that he was going to marry her, but he had so much trouble asking her. After 3 years of dating, she told him if he didn't marry her she was moving on because she was getting older (32). He said he had to think about it and came back a day later and asked her over the phone. Actually, he didn't really ask her. She didn't get a ring (She's made up for that now!). They just looked at their calendars and figured out what weekend was open for both of them.  January 6, 1979, they got married in our house, in the living room, in front of the fireplace. My dad never gets sick, but that day he got laryngitis and it was difficult to hear him say his vows. He said them, though, and they have been married for almost 33 years. Dad's never been the most romantic man!

7. I can't believe I am going to be 30 this year...but I am so excited about it!

8. Insert your own random thought here.
 
My colleagues always make me laugh.

Thoughts on my recovery

As of today, I am four weeks into my recovery. The pain is gone. Exhaustion and soreness have set in. The doctor will tell me in another two weeks how long he expects my recovery to be. All I know is that my family and I are booked to go to Thailand in February 2012 and the doctor promises I will be recovered enough to make the trip! So, I know the end is in sight, but the path to get there is still uncertain at this point.

The night before my surgery I was on the phone with a friend expressing my hopes and fears related to my surgery and the long recovery that comes with it. She said, "I think your recovery verse should be Psalm 46:10."

Be still and know that I am God

  

Be still? Ha! Good one! I am not sure if that word is in my vocabulary. I hear people tell me to "be still" a lot, but my uncontrollable startle reflex balks at this command every time! Stillness is not easy and rather uncomfortable for me.  My cast robs me of a full-night's restful sleep. Awake for a few hours, I grab my iPhone and dilly dally through the different apps or turn on the TV and try to pass the time while the rest of the house slumbers in the stillness of the night. Be still? Hmmm.

Now that the pain and drugs have worn off, my mind and body are in a constant battle. My initial recovery period requires no weight-bearing for 6-8 weeks. This means I cannot walk. I cannot go anywhere without the assistance of another person. I am helped into a chair and required to stay there. I must be still. My mind spins with all sorts of things I could be doing if I weren't bound to a chair or bed. I've made a list of places in the world to visit. Planning for my best friend's birthday party is well underway. My mom is calling me "The QVC lady" because the UPS guy has come almost everyday for the last week thanks to online shopping. I want to get out of this chair. I want to explore. But I can't.

It's a big deal in my world these days when my parents take me to movies or to dinner. I can see the outside from the window, but to feel the chilly air hit my face and to hear the crunch of the leaves is honestly, thrilling! As Dad rolls me to the car and then to our destination, a grin is plastered on my face. Afterwards, I am tired. So tired. My mind wants to go, but my body can't handle too much activity.   

So, alas, just as He always is, God is right. I must heed the words of Psalm 46:10: "Be STILL and KNOW that I am GOD". What I know of God is that He is preparing me for something wonderful. I can think of a number of things I would deem "wonderful", but whatever God has in store is better than I can imagine! For now, I will be still and hope and pray for the future.

It's the only thing I can do. It's the right thing to do. 

Wednesday Hodge Podge 11/9

1. Of all the tools and gadgets you own which do you most enjoy using?

I refused to get the iPhone for quite some time. Then, one day, my Samsung Fascinate just went wacky and stopped working. I was going on a trip the next day, so I went into the Verizon store and told them to just give me the iPhone. And they did. Everyone who knows me knows I love to talk, so I have always loved phones. But, I find myself hardly talking on this phone. I am fascinated by all of its capabilities! I can take photos, listen to music, have my texts written out for me, play Words with Friends, not lose my sense of direction which is awesome because I am navigationally challenged, find a new place to eat, check email and Facebook....and Facebook again...and again. The list goes on and on. There are so many things to do other than talk on this phone. Dare I say this gadget might have the ability to make me mute? ;-)

2. When (if ever) is impatience a virtue? 

 

I really wish impatience was a virtue. I have been impatient my whole life. I was born 3.5 months early. See, I don't even have enough patience to stay in the womb! But, I'd like to think that most of my impatience comes when I am excited or want to get a jump start on something. I make an effort to be patient with people. 

God knows patience is hard for me so He makes me practice it a lot. As I type this, I am sitting in the same chair I have been sitting in for the last 3 weeks with at least 3 more weeks to go. My right leg is in a cast and I am not able to walk or do anything for myself. This recovery is certainly humbling and an act of patience and reliance on God. Patience is one of the fruits of the spirit. So, while I would love impatience to be a virtue, in my life, that's a negative.

3. What temperature do you keep your thermostat set to in winter? Do you have another way to heat your house besides a furnace of some type? 

This is a battle my parents and I have had since I can remember. My mom and I are always cold while my dad feels like he is basking in the sun on a tropical island in his own house! An agreeable temperature is 71. At my condo, the thermostat goes up and down like a roller coaster until I get the heating bill! Yikes! I think I might stick with 71 from now on.

4. Do/did you have a close relationship with any of your grandparents?

My closest relationship was with my maternal grandma.  She and her husband Austin, who I called "Grandpa", lived in Houston, TX but would come to visit my family every summer.  We would celebrate my half-birthday, go shopping, go out to eat and chase after bunnies and bugs when I was little. She nick-named me "Killer Jessica" because I loved to kill the bugs that would end up inside the screened in porch. Don't judge! When Grandpa died she moved to Virginia to be close to us. That was a lot of fun because I got to see her almost every day. Grandma loved the color pink and spaghetti. She hated things to be untidy and dirty. She was also the most fashionable and beautiful elderly woman I knew.  We had a lot of fun together!

5. When did you last have a family portrait taken?

I love family portraits, but my parents and I do not share the same sentiments. Our last family portrait was taken in 2000, right after I graduated from high school. I had begged my parents to take a portrait before I went off to school. It just so happens they won a portrait session at my school's auction! So, voila! A "pre-college portrait session" was a must! I've kept my mouth shut about how it has been 11 years since our last official family portrait! (Hear that, Mom!)  I do love looking at my friends' family portraits and dream of many portraits sessions with my own little family in the future. 

We don't take professional portraits, but we are close- knit and take lots of photos together. This will have to do for now:

6. What does the word patriotism mean to you?

This is a tough one. Not because I don't know how to answer it, but because it means SO much. My dad worked for the Federal Government for 40 years. I feared I may have lost him in the attack on the Pentagon on 9/11. Praise the Lord he is still here and was not harmed at all. I now work for the Government. I live just outside of Washington, DC and DC is one of my favorite cities in the whole world. I think about patriotism everyday. The daily view of the Capitol never gets old. I love all of the monuments. I tear up at the National Anthem and sing it proudly ever time I hear it. Oh, random question, is the US the only country that places their hand over their heart when the anthem is being played? I love America. I hate that the city I hold so dear is a terrorist target. Patriotism to me is pride in your country and what we stand for. I see palpable and visual demonstrations of this every anniversary of 9/11. I only pray that it wouldn't be reserved for holidays and the anniversary of such a tragedy, but everyday.

7. Do you like to play cards and if so, what's your favorite card game? 

My grandpa loved to play cards. The summers that he came to visit we would play every night. He was a card shark and poker was his favorite. I never quite grasped poker, but I can play a mean hand of Blackjack or Gin Rummy. I also really like to play Uno. Sadly, I haven't played any of these games in so long, I am rusty at best.  Card games do bring back fun summer memories, though.

8. Insert your own random thought here. 

 

I love cupcakes!