Mike's death has not just affected me, but the tragedy has taken a toll on my parents as well. Mike was very much a part of our family. My parents grieve the loss of their golfing buddy and bowling competitor, the loss of the "Italian boy", as he was affectionately known by some members of my family. My parents' grief is complicated because not only do they miss Mike, they grieve for me and what this loss means for me.
I can only imagine that it would be quite difficult to see your child in so much pain especially when she proclaims that she thought dying of heartbreak was just an over-exaggeration, but she was sadly mistaken. It's real. Consequently, parents go immediately into "protect mode". They want the pain to go away. They want to be able to fix it. But, they can't.
While my parents might feel this loss a little differently than some of my close friends, I have noticed the desire to "stop the pain" and to "do something" is quite the same. I was going to call this post "How to Help Someone You Love Through Deep Grief", but that's boring and has been done before. So, seven months into grieving this profound loss, I offer some things I have learned about my own deep grief and hope that they can help you if you are currently grieving or want to know how to help someone who is.
1. Be careful with the language you use. "Move on" sends me through the roof! "Move forward" is much more accepted and embraced by me. "Move on" fires me up because it implies that I have to forget about the person I just lost. I will never forget Dude. I do know that I have to move forward and I'm willing to do what is necessary to adjust to the new normal. "Move forward" implies progress.
2. No pain, no gain. Counselors and others who have suffered profound loss will tell you it is imperative that you let yourself experience the pain. It hurts. A lot. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming you think you will die or you would rather die, but deep down you know there will be better days. I have noticed that there is intense pain, then your body goes into "survival mode" and you almost try to forget what happen to you/deny the loss, and then when you come out of this "bubble", the pain is intense (but sometimes a little less intense) again. Encourage the griever to experience the pain. It will be painful for you to watch the griever go through the necessary emotions, but think of how painful it is for them to keep them inside.
3. Talk about the loss and bring up the person's name: Oftentimes, I hear my parents or friends say, "Don't feel like you have to talk about it" or they shy away from bringing the loss up because it either makes them feel uncomfortable or they are afraid it might make you feel uncomfortable or some combination of both. Let me just be honest with you. Someone who is grieving has not forgotten about the person. In fact, they may be struggling to think of something else to talk about because their thoughts are (at times) consumed with the loss. When someone asks how I am dealing with this or brings up something about Mike, I am so thankful. Not only have you just given me permission to let my mind relax, but you have acknowledged my loss and I very much appreciate that. I especially love to hear stories from people about Mike. I have kept every letter and card and message people have sent me. Talking about Dude keeps his spirit alive and brings a smile to my face (even if tears are falling from my eyes, too). And, if the griever doesn't want to talk about it, believe me, they will have no problem telling you that!
4. Reach out to the griever: Grief is exhausting. The grief counselor told me grief doesn't go to sleep when you do, and she was right. There are so many emotions that the griever goes through, sleepless nights, lack of appetite, physical aches, emotional pain....all of this takes a toll. It is exhausting. The last 7 months, I have barely picked up my phone to call people or to make plans. It is not because I don't want to talk to them or do things with them. I do. I really love it when someone calls or suggests we do something fun. But, I don't have much energy to initiate the contact. I am slowly starting to get better about this, but I would offer that the griever needs you to help them. I have always been one to jump to help others. Not recently. I can't. Reach out to them. They will respond and will be so thankful that you did. I know I am. I feel very loved when someone asks me to do something or takes the time to call and check up. Most of the time I want to do it, but don't have the energy to ask sometimes.
5. Just do it.: Immediately after someone dies, people kindly ask what they can do or how they can help. I remember being graciously asked that question numerous times and my response typically was, "I have NO idea!". I responded that way because it was the truth. I had never experienced anything like this before and couldn't even think of what my name was let alone how someone could help me. I found it most helpful when people would just offer to bring dinner or call or come over and sit with me and give me lots of hugs. Some would send a text message that simply read "I love you" or a song or a poem that they thought I could relate to. Anything and everything, no matter how small, made a difference. I would have never been able to articulate my need for all of the things people did for me, but I clearly needed and appreciate every one!
6. You can't fix it: My parents are the biggest culprits of this one. They want to fix the pain. They want to protect me from the pain. They want all of this to go away. But, they can't, you can't, and it's not good, too. The most helpful thing for me is when someone says "I don't know what you are going through, but I am here for you". Say it and mean it. That will mean the world to the griever.
7. Keep an eye on the griever, but don't smother them: People sincerely try to be helpful with all of their suggestions and I have considered every single one because I know they offer them with a compassionate heart. Some people have offered things that I would have never thought of so I appreciate all of the suggestions. But, it is also important to understand that the griever deeply misses the person they've lost. So, if they start talking about heaven, it doesn't necessarily mean they are planning how to get there. It might (so you should keep an eye just to be sure), but not necessarily. I talk about it not because I want to go there ( I do when God wants me to go), but because I want to know what Mike is doing. It's frustrating because I can't really know, but I do like to think about what his new life with Christ is like.
Since the loss, I have also preferred to be by myself a little bit more. The first few months after the tragedy, it wasn't a good idea for me to be by myself. Just too painful. But, now it is OK, and I welcome the time to process everything and to grieve just the way I need to...or to sing and dance like nobody's watching to one of Dude's favorite songs!
8. Pray for them. This goes without saying, but those in deep grief need lots of prayer. It has been hard for me to pray. My mind can wander at night or in the morning and I sometimes have trouble formulating the words I want to say to God. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit can intercede for me, but any prayers anyone else lifts up is extra protection and a blessing to me.
9. Refrain from asking too many questions: This particularly applies if the death was a suicide. A suicide survivor has so many questions swirling around in their head. Additional ones can just seem incredible overwhelming.
10. Everyone grieves differently: I had always heard this, but never quite understood it until now. All of Mike's family and friends are grieving, but we all do it differently. I love writing my feelings and the lessons I am learning out on "paper. Hence, this post. I have been to counseling, but I don't find that as helpful as others do. I much prefer the support groups and the grief blogs. Some of his family/friends prefer to grieve privately. Some are angry. Some use humor to deal with the pain. Some openly express emotion and others cry in the quiet of their own room.
Before experiencing such a loss, I didn't know how to attempt to help someone who was truly grieving. These are the lessons I am trying to teach my parents (and anyone really) as they struggle to know how to help me (or my godfather). It's just my two cents, but I wanted to document them so I can remember them in the future -- although I doubt I will forget! Hopefully, they are helpful to someone else, too!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Redskins Report
It hurts to be a Redskins fan. Staying on the burgundy and gold bandwagon is a lesson in loyalty. I was full of hope when we drafted RG III and he came out and we put up 40 points against the Saints in the first game! At this point, we didn't know just how much the Saints sanctions would hurt them, but who cares, I don't think the Redskins scored a combined 40 points all season last year!! So, I had hope. And, now, at 3-6, hope has dissolved. Mad props to Robert Griffith III! He is the best thing that has happened to the team and he is not giving up despite the dreary circumstances surrounding the season! He is a class act, speaks well, is mature and just seeing him in that burgundy and gold brings a big 'ole grin to my face! HAIL!
I know a little something about football (and I truly love the sport), but picking a fantasy team would do me in because I'd have to do too much research. Now for the rest of the team. Here is my proposed plan for the future (take it for what it is):
1. Hire a new defensive coach. Haslett has got to go!! Our defense used to be envied and now it is horrendous!
2. Get rid of both of the Shanahans! I was never comfortable with Kyle working for his dad, Mike. And, Head Coach Shanny totally ticked me off in his press conference yesterday when he basically gave up on his team. Yes, we all know the season is probably over, but don't flat out say it when you are supposed to be the leader of the team!! He is now going to evaluate the players when half the season is over....cause that will do a lot of good!
3. Let RG III have input into new coaches and players hiring decisions. That rookie works his butt off and basically plays the game by himself!! He needs to have some say in who he will be leading on the field.
4. Play catch. When I was little I went to occupational therapy for far too long, in my assessment. One of the things we worked on was eye-hand coordination. Throw the ball, catch the ball, repeat. I didn't get paid anything to do this. In fact, my parents paid for me to learn this. Our boys of Fall are getting paid millions to master this valuable skill and they are failing. Eleven dropped balls in the Pittsburgh game is atrocious! Practice the most basic skills....or get rid of the buttered popcorn snack on the sidelines because those boys have butter fingers!
5. Wipe away the whole roster except for RG III, Morris, Garcon, Kerrigan, Fletcher and Orakpo. I know our injuries are catching up with us, but really, we don't have good backups. We need some receivers that RG III can count on....and I've already discussed the defense. It isn't worth another breath!
I am dead last in my pool (when last year, I came in fourth place out of 30). The Redskins have no better a record than they did last year. But, the blow is softened because the Cowboys are 3-5!!
Hail! Here's to better days!
I know a little something about football (and I truly love the sport), but picking a fantasy team would do me in because I'd have to do too much research. Now for the rest of the team. Here is my proposed plan for the future (take it for what it is):
1. Hire a new defensive coach. Haslett has got to go!! Our defense used to be envied and now it is horrendous!
2. Get rid of both of the Shanahans! I was never comfortable with Kyle working for his dad, Mike. And, Head Coach Shanny totally ticked me off in his press conference yesterday when he basically gave up on his team. Yes, we all know the season is probably over, but don't flat out say it when you are supposed to be the leader of the team!! He is now going to evaluate the players when half the season is over....cause that will do a lot of good!
3. Let RG III have input into new coaches and players hiring decisions. That rookie works his butt off and basically plays the game by himself!! He needs to have some say in who he will be leading on the field.
4. Play catch. When I was little I went to occupational therapy for far too long, in my assessment. One of the things we worked on was eye-hand coordination. Throw the ball, catch the ball, repeat. I didn't get paid anything to do this. In fact, my parents paid for me to learn this. Our boys of Fall are getting paid millions to master this valuable skill and they are failing. Eleven dropped balls in the Pittsburgh game is atrocious! Practice the most basic skills....or get rid of the buttered popcorn snack on the sidelines because those boys have butter fingers!
5. Wipe away the whole roster except for RG III, Morris, Garcon, Kerrigan, Fletcher and Orakpo. I know our injuries are catching up with us, but really, we don't have good backups. We need some receivers that RG III can count on....and I've already discussed the defense. It isn't worth another breath!
I am dead last in my pool (when last year, I came in fourth place out of 30). The Redskins have no better a record than they did last year. But, the blow is softened because the Cowboys are 3-5!!
Hail! Here's to better days!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
One Month.
One month from today, I will take another standardized test. I promised myself I was not going back to school, but as my mom's friend said to me shortly after Mike's death, "You know, now's the time to do what you want to do, and I don't really feel like you've put that dream of going to law school to bed". She was right. I earned my Project Management Professional certification because it was a necessity for my job. I earned my MBA because it would help in my job and would help in the foundation I have always wanted to start (and hope to soon). These degrees/certifications have been important to my success today, but the desire to go to law school has never quite died out.
I didn't have any "control/choice" in Mike's death. I didn't know it was going to happen. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see him when he died. I didn't get to see him before he died. Even though I was right there for him every step of the way, and ultimately, made the call that helped find him, I had no "choice" in any of this.
The moment tragedy struck, I had a choice. I could crumble into an emotional mess and treat my life as it was over. I could be just as paralyzed by pain and fear and despair as Mike was. I could throw in the towel. The other option, the best option, was to find something to help me move forward. Through talking with family and friends and grief counselors, it seemed like the right time to pursue the dream I had been shoving aside for so long. I sanity checked my decision with a few people I work with and trust with helping me flesh out my career path and they couldn't have been more encouraging. I had also been praying for about six months prior to Mike's death for God to show me the next step in my career. So, all paths have diverged, and I am taking the LSAT on December 1.
I was supposed to take the test in October when most people do, but as I was practicing, I noticed a huge discrepancy in the number of correct answers when I circled in the book and when I bubbled the answers in on the Scantron sheet. This issue led to a decision to request an alternate answer sheet and extra time on the test like I had throughout high school and college. Well, LSAC doesn't make it easy to request accommodations, so 8 hours of educational tests, an IQ test, and a physical exam later, I submitted my request. In the process of all of these tests, it was discovered that I have a learning disability that is common in people with Cerebral Palsy. I'd been telling my parents and teachers that I have trouble with these tests, but they just told me to use a ruler and calm down. Nope, turns out 30 years later, we discover I have a learning disability. LSAC doesn't think all of that testing is enough, though, so they denied my request and sent me for an eye exam and further explanation of my learning disability. Now, I have more information on myself than I've ever wanted to know! One interesting fact is most people either use both eyes or one dominant eye to read. Not me! I alternate my eyes. The eye doctor was fascinated by this, but I've never done anything the "normal" way so I wasn't surprised! Now, I wait to see if my appeal is accepted. I sure hope so because I had to postpone my test date because of all of this. I wait and see.
Regardless of whether my request is accepted, I have to work really hard to knock out those logical reasoning questions, logic games and reading comprehension. I'm no stranger to hard work and this is something I really want, so I am willing to put in the effort. One month. One more month.
I never thought I'd say I'd be thankful for a standardized test, but studying for this has done wonders for my mind in terms of helping me deal with my grief. It helps to shift some of the focus of what has just happened and gives me something to look forward to. So, I am very thankful for all of this. I am also very hopeful all of this will work out. I don't want to let everyone down. I don't want to let myself down. One month. One month.
In the words of my favorite book as a child, The Little Train that Could, I think I can, I think I can.
I KNOW I CAN!
I didn't have any "control/choice" in Mike's death. I didn't know it was going to happen. I didn't get to say goodbye. I didn't get to see him when he died. I didn't get to see him before he died. Even though I was right there for him every step of the way, and ultimately, made the call that helped find him, I had no "choice" in any of this.
The moment tragedy struck, I had a choice. I could crumble into an emotional mess and treat my life as it was over. I could be just as paralyzed by pain and fear and despair as Mike was. I could throw in the towel. The other option, the best option, was to find something to help me move forward. Through talking with family and friends and grief counselors, it seemed like the right time to pursue the dream I had been shoving aside for so long. I sanity checked my decision with a few people I work with and trust with helping me flesh out my career path and they couldn't have been more encouraging. I had also been praying for about six months prior to Mike's death for God to show me the next step in my career. So, all paths have diverged, and I am taking the LSAT on December 1.
I was supposed to take the test in October when most people do, but as I was practicing, I noticed a huge discrepancy in the number of correct answers when I circled in the book and when I bubbled the answers in on the Scantron sheet. This issue led to a decision to request an alternate answer sheet and extra time on the test like I had throughout high school and college. Well, LSAC doesn't make it easy to request accommodations, so 8 hours of educational tests, an IQ test, and a physical exam later, I submitted my request. In the process of all of these tests, it was discovered that I have a learning disability that is common in people with Cerebral Palsy. I'd been telling my parents and teachers that I have trouble with these tests, but they just told me to use a ruler and calm down. Nope, turns out 30 years later, we discover I have a learning disability. LSAC doesn't think all of that testing is enough, though, so they denied my request and sent me for an eye exam and further explanation of my learning disability. Now, I have more information on myself than I've ever wanted to know! One interesting fact is most people either use both eyes or one dominant eye to read. Not me! I alternate my eyes. The eye doctor was fascinated by this, but I've never done anything the "normal" way so I wasn't surprised! Now, I wait to see if my appeal is accepted. I sure hope so because I had to postpone my test date because of all of this. I wait and see.
Regardless of whether my request is accepted, I have to work really hard to knock out those logical reasoning questions, logic games and reading comprehension. I'm no stranger to hard work and this is something I really want, so I am willing to put in the effort. One month. One more month.
I never thought I'd say I'd be thankful for a standardized test, but studying for this has done wonders for my mind in terms of helping me deal with my grief. It helps to shift some of the focus of what has just happened and gives me something to look forward to. So, I am very thankful for all of this. I am also very hopeful all of this will work out. I don't want to let everyone down. I don't want to let myself down. One month. One month.
In the words of my favorite book as a child, The Little Train that Could, I think I can, I think I can.
I KNOW I CAN!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Wednesday Hodgepodge 10/31/12
1. What creeps you out?
Snakes. I am so afraid of snakes. Dead bodies, too. I am always so nervous when I go to a wake or funeral and the casket is open. I hate the way the person looks all made up, don't want to remember them that way, and think that you should have a closed casket or be cremated.
2. What's your least favorite candy?
Tootsie rolls. Yuck! I am a fan of Tootsie Roll Pops, especially the raspberry ones, but the actual tootsie rolls, gross! The weird part is that when I am eating a Tootsie Roll Pop, three licks and I am biting into the center! The center is a tootsie roll, my least favorite candy. I can't explain it. I think it has to do with my lack of patience!
3. Are you a fan of scary movies? What's the scariest movie you've ever seen?
Absolutely not! I probably should not admit this, but I am afraid of the movie "ET". My parents assure me it is not scary, but I was scared of it when I was little and refuse to watch it to this day. One of my high school friends also said that the back of my parents' house looks exactly like the house used in the "Scream" movies, so that was the end of attempting to watch those. Right after my surgery, my parents and I went on a big outing to the movies. "Alex Cross" is what we saw. One of the actors cuts a woman's fingers off!! I was done! I am totally fascinated and love being scared by haunted houses, but scary movies, I'll pass.
4. What part of life confuses you the most?
Ugh, really, do I have to answer this? I don't. It's my blog, but I will. My dating life has always been so confusing. I don't know whether to tell people about my disability if I am online dating. I don't like online dating. I have trouble meeting men to date, in general. I do have some good stories, but I don't want a good story. I want a teammate. A champion (Eat, Pray, Love...I love the champion idea). God will work it out, but it will be confusing until that happens. And, of course, Mike's death will always be confusing.
5. Pumpkin, sunflower, sesame, poppy...what's your favorite seed?
Poppy but I always get nervous eating those because we are subject to random drug tests at work.
6. Imagine your life ten years from today...what's changed?
The last 6 months has taught me that life isn't always how you imagine it. But if I am dreaming, in ten years, I will be a lawyer, happily married, with 2 or 3 adorable kids. We will be living somewhere that feels like home and we have a dog or two. My friends will have 10 or 12 year old kids, but my kids will probably only be 5 years old or younger. I also hope that I continue to travel, am generously giving to those less fortunate whether in time or money and will have started my foundation. Lastly, I hope my faith is strengthened and I am still excited about serving the Lord. That's a lot for 10 years! Oh, and it would be spectacular if the Redskins won the Super Bowl!
7. What do you a) love the most and b) like the least about the Hodgepodge?
a) I love the questions and that they give me a unique way to chronicle my life and get my thinking.
b) I dislike that I don't participate enough because sometimes I don't know how to answer the questions or don't feel like my answers are good enough. I started this blog for myself, so that really shouldn't matter.
8. Insert your own random thought here.
My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone affected by Sandy. I am thankful that everyone I know is safe and didn't suffer much hardship or damage, but that is certainly not the case for the majority of people affected.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
That day.
I've recently found myself replaying the events of April 3, 2012 over in my head. The day started off with a frightening thought that quickly became reality.
I don't remember what the weather was like that day.
I don't remember what I was wearing.
I specifically remember driving to work with my dad and all of a sudden I said,
"I think Mike is going to die today."
{I had absolutely no reason to say this}
He gave me an are-you-out-of-your-mind look and continued driving. I couldn't get the thought out of my head and spent far too many hours at work dialing his cell phone. It was ringing, so that meant he wasn't in the hospital. About lunch time, I called my dad and asked him to send Mike an email. Maybe he would respond to my dad and my fears could be put to rest. Dad said, "I'll do it because you've asked me to, but I am telling you not to worry." "Just do it", I said and he did. No response.
Later that day, I went to my monthly prayer group. During our prayer request time, I spilled the secret I had been keeping for months. I explained that Mike had been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months because of depression and suicide attempts. Every time Mike was in the hospital, I was sad but grateful. I knew he was safe. When he was out on his own, I worried. Freedom from the hospital confines meant we could talk as much as we wanted, but it also meant he wasn't as protected. If a few days went by and I hadn't heard from him, I worried. It usually meant he was not in a good place and I would receive the news that he was back in the hospital.
I hadn't heard from him for a few days and had this unnerving thought when I awoke that day. I was full of fear and was desperately trying to keep it together.
My prayer group and I prayed together for his healing. In the middle of prayer, I burst out "STOP! I need to check my phone". Again, crazy looks, as I fished my phone from my bag. I looked at my phone and what I hoped not to see was bright as day - a message from Ava asking if I had heard from Mike or if he was with me because she did not know where he was. My worst fear was about to come true.
I called her right away and explained that I hadn't heard from him and the police needed to be called. I left off the part that all day I had been thinking he was going to die. I hung up with her and my gut nudged me to pick up the phone and call the police. So I did.
{Never mind the fact that 911 told me to google the number to the WASHPA police. Thanks for the help, 911. Love ya, too}
After explaining everything to the lady on the phone, she didn't want to believe me. She kept asking me if I was a family member. "My name is not Clements", I said, "but I am close enough to the family to be one, just please listen to me. Ask me any question you want to and I will answer you. There is not a question I cannot give you an answer to, so please just give me a chance." So, she started and it was almost like a game.
Bring it, lady. Hit me with your best shot.
She did, and much to her surprise, I hit all of the balls out of the ballpark. By end of the conversation, she was asking me if I wanted her to call me back with their findings.
"No", I said. "I already know the answer and I don't want to hear confirmation from you. Please just go out and find him and bring him home safely."
They did what I asked. They brought him home safely. Safely in the arms of Lord.
Worst day of my life.
I don't remember what the weather was like that day.
I don't remember what I was wearing.
I specifically remember driving to work with my dad and all of a sudden I said,
"I think Mike is going to die today."
{I had absolutely no reason to say this}
He gave me an are-you-out-of-your-mind look and continued driving. I couldn't get the thought out of my head and spent far too many hours at work dialing his cell phone. It was ringing, so that meant he wasn't in the hospital. About lunch time, I called my dad and asked him to send Mike an email. Maybe he would respond to my dad and my fears could be put to rest. Dad said, "I'll do it because you've asked me to, but I am telling you not to worry." "Just do it", I said and he did. No response.
Later that day, I went to my monthly prayer group. During our prayer request time, I spilled the secret I had been keeping for months. I explained that Mike had been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months because of depression and suicide attempts. Every time Mike was in the hospital, I was sad but grateful. I knew he was safe. When he was out on his own, I worried. Freedom from the hospital confines meant we could talk as much as we wanted, but it also meant he wasn't as protected. If a few days went by and I hadn't heard from him, I worried. It usually meant he was not in a good place and I would receive the news that he was back in the hospital.
I hadn't heard from him for a few days and had this unnerving thought when I awoke that day. I was full of fear and was desperately trying to keep it together.
My prayer group and I prayed together for his healing. In the middle of prayer, I burst out "STOP! I need to check my phone". Again, crazy looks, as I fished my phone from my bag. I looked at my phone and what I hoped not to see was bright as day - a message from Ava asking if I had heard from Mike or if he was with me because she did not know where he was. My worst fear was about to come true.
I called her right away and explained that I hadn't heard from him and the police needed to be called. I left off the part that all day I had been thinking he was going to die. I hung up with her and my gut nudged me to pick up the phone and call the police. So I did.
{Never mind the fact that 911 told me to google the number to the WASHPA police. Thanks for the help, 911. Love ya, too}
After explaining everything to the lady on the phone, she didn't want to believe me. She kept asking me if I was a family member. "My name is not Clements", I said, "but I am close enough to the family to be one, just please listen to me. Ask me any question you want to and I will answer you. There is not a question I cannot give you an answer to, so please just give me a chance." So, she started and it was almost like a game.
Bring it, lady. Hit me with your best shot.
She did, and much to her surprise, I hit all of the balls out of the ballpark. By end of the conversation, she was asking me if I wanted her to call me back with their findings.
"No", I said. "I already know the answer and I don't want to hear confirmation from you. Please just go out and find him and bring him home safely."
They did what I asked. They brought him home safely. Safely in the arms of Lord.
Worst day of my life.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Waitin' on Sandy!
For the last two days, my family has been preparing for this storm. I've decided to stay at their house to avoid being stuck by myself with floods, winds, and power outages. I was at my condo during a tornado warning and that was kind of scary, so I'm avoiding all unnecessary stress and staying over here.
All the preparations and talk of the impending hurricane remind of September 2003 when my friends and I rode out Hurricane Isabelle. It probably wasn't the smartest move the University has ever made to keep us on campus during that storm, but it was one of my most memorable college experiences. I remember hearing that William and Mary had been evacuated and we waited to see if Richmond was next. President Cooper decided staying on campus would be just fine. He obviously had no idea what was coming and what damage Isabelle would do.
Campus awoke to heavy rains and high winds. The power was out when we woke up (I think) so University officials came around to tell us classes were cancelled. But, let's be real, do you think I was actually going to class in that mess?! Fat chance! Facilities came and put sandbags in front of my apartment door to try to prevent the place from flooding. My roommates left to go over to the neighbors to play drinking games and I called my friends to come help me across the street to their apartment. The winds were so bad that two people had to walk me across the street. I was blowing all over the place! Any balance I had was gone with the wind! Thankfully, I made it across the street with the aid of my friends and began what would be one of my most memorable college experiences!
The University officials told us to be sure to eat everything in our refrigerators. Four apartments got together and brought quite a "buffet" over. The guys got the grill going and were cooking up every piece of meat possible out on the patio in a corner shielded from the rain. The girls got all of the vegetables and made one of the best salads I have ever had. Nine years later, I still remember this salad! We also gathered all of the ice cream and just feasted! We played lots of games, drank lots of wine and beer, and watched the crazy people out on the IM fields as they enjoyed their homemade "slip n' slide", and waited out the storm. Periodically, we would glance out the window and comment on the severity of the storm. Nobody was too concerned, though, because we were all together, just having a blast!
Eventually, we crashed and fell asleep all throughout Apt 804. When we woke up, we did not expect all of the destruction that was before us. One of the most beautiful campuses in America lost over 100 trees. Thanks to downed trees, three out of four entrance/exits to campus were blocked. The power was out with no sign of coming back on anytime soon. And, all of our food was gone. Somehow, we received word that President Cooper was handing out sandwiches and water in DHall and decided to close school for a week. We all lined up to get our free food and contemplated our "hurrication" plans. I called my mom to explain I needed to come home and she gave me every reason for why she didn't want me on her doorstep. She offered to pay for a hotel for me and all of my friends, but there were no hotels with power within hours. Finally, Mike was able to convince her that it was a good idea for her to welcome me home and he and I started the journey. The only problem was Mike barely had any gas in his car. There weren't any servicing gas stations within miles of campus. Mike and I prayed and prayed that we would find gas and not get stuck on the side of the road. As we continued to check for a station that was open, we finally found one and cruised to the pump on fumes. Thank the Lord we were able to gas up and continue our adventure. With a full tank of gas, we cruised up 95N, singing all the way home!
My hurrication was nowhere near as exciting as other people's. I kind of regret not doing something totally spontaneous, but I will always remember the night we "survived Hurricane Isabelle".
Hurricane Sandy is quite different. I will be hanging out with my family and studying for the LSAT. Three cheers! (Note the sarcasm). I am thankful the Federal Government made the early call on no work tomorrow and my optimistic nature is cheering for no work on Tuesday, too. We'll see what happens. I thought we were supposed to have heavy rain all day today. So far, nothing too bad. But, we're waiting on a woman, so you know how that can be.
Stay safe, everyone.
All the preparations and talk of the impending hurricane remind of September 2003 when my friends and I rode out Hurricane Isabelle. It probably wasn't the smartest move the University has ever made to keep us on campus during that storm, but it was one of my most memorable college experiences. I remember hearing that William and Mary had been evacuated and we waited to see if Richmond was next. President Cooper decided staying on campus would be just fine. He obviously had no idea what was coming and what damage Isabelle would do.
Campus awoke to heavy rains and high winds. The power was out when we woke up (I think) so University officials came around to tell us classes were cancelled. But, let's be real, do you think I was actually going to class in that mess?! Fat chance! Facilities came and put sandbags in front of my apartment door to try to prevent the place from flooding. My roommates left to go over to the neighbors to play drinking games and I called my friends to come help me across the street to their apartment. The winds were so bad that two people had to walk me across the street. I was blowing all over the place! Any balance I had was gone with the wind! Thankfully, I made it across the street with the aid of my friends and began what would be one of my most memorable college experiences!
The University officials told us to be sure to eat everything in our refrigerators. Four apartments got together and brought quite a "buffet" over. The guys got the grill going and were cooking up every piece of meat possible out on the patio in a corner shielded from the rain. The girls got all of the vegetables and made one of the best salads I have ever had. Nine years later, I still remember this salad! We also gathered all of the ice cream and just feasted! We played lots of games, drank lots of wine and beer, and watched the crazy people out on the IM fields as they enjoyed their homemade "slip n' slide", and waited out the storm. Periodically, we would glance out the window and comment on the severity of the storm. Nobody was too concerned, though, because we were all together, just having a blast!
Eventually, we crashed and fell asleep all throughout Apt 804. When we woke up, we did not expect all of the destruction that was before us. One of the most beautiful campuses in America lost over 100 trees. Thanks to downed trees, three out of four entrance/exits to campus were blocked. The power was out with no sign of coming back on anytime soon. And, all of our food was gone. Somehow, we received word that President Cooper was handing out sandwiches and water in DHall and decided to close school for a week. We all lined up to get our free food and contemplated our "hurrication" plans. I called my mom to explain I needed to come home and she gave me every reason for why she didn't want me on her doorstep. She offered to pay for a hotel for me and all of my friends, but there were no hotels with power within hours. Finally, Mike was able to convince her that it was a good idea for her to welcome me home and he and I started the journey. The only problem was Mike barely had any gas in his car. There weren't any servicing gas stations within miles of campus. Mike and I prayed and prayed that we would find gas and not get stuck on the side of the road. As we continued to check for a station that was open, we finally found one and cruised to the pump on fumes. Thank the Lord we were able to gas up and continue our adventure. With a full tank of gas, we cruised up 95N, singing all the way home!
My hurrication was nowhere near as exciting as other people's. I kind of regret not doing something totally spontaneous, but I will always remember the night we "survived Hurricane Isabelle".
Hurricane Sandy is quite different. I will be hanging out with my family and studying for the LSAT. Three cheers! (Note the sarcasm). I am thankful the Federal Government made the early call on no work tomorrow and my optimistic nature is cheering for no work on Tuesday, too. We'll see what happens. I thought we were supposed to have heavy rain all day today. So far, nothing too bad. But, we're waiting on a woman, so you know how that can be.
Stay safe, everyone.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
My Halloween Costume
The other day a friend asked me what I was going to be for Halloween. Without even thinking, I spouted off, "Well, I have a broken heart, a new scar, and one less screw in my foot. Not to mention, there are still bags under my eyes. That's pretty scary, if you ask me. Do I need another costume?" Suffice it to say, that was not the response she was expecting and it wasn't even the response I intended on giving. It was the first thing that came out of my mouth. She was a little taken aback and I responded with, "Oh, I'm sorry. You probably just wanted to know if I was dressing up".
I haven't been into Halloween since I was no longer allowed to go trick-or-treating. I probably won't get back into it until I have kids of my own and can enjoy it with them. It's probably only the trick-or-treating that will lure me back in. We all know I have a sweet tooth the size of Texas!
The funny thing about grief, especially deep grief, is that it changes you. For many months after April 3rd, even now on bad days, I would walk around feeling like I was completely lost in my hometown. There were all these familiar faces and I had no idea who they were. Who I was. I would stare into the mirror and the reflection back would be someone with red, sunken eyes, tear stained cheeks, agony. Then I'd get dressed, put on a fake smile and move throughout the day. Who was this person? She looked vaguely familiar but not recognizable in this new reality.
Yes, when tragedy strikes you immediately change. You have no choice. You cannot stop it. I'm working through what all of this means. It's a lot of work. It's hard work. At times, I feel like I can't work through it because people have expectations of me. I should be happy. I should be positive. I should not cry and show my grief because it's been nearly 7 months and people might be tired of it. I get tired of it, but it is not going away quickly (the grief counselors say 14 months of really hard work, but there is a lifelong impact) and I have to keep working. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing a costume every single day.
A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor for the first time in a year. The nurse comes in and asks how I am. Then a few minutes later, she repeats the question. I answer, "I'm fine", but in my head, all I am thinking is "Why is she asking the same question so many times? Can she see I have changed? Can she see the hole in my heart?" I continued to smile and prayed she would ask a different question. She did. I survived. I was probably barely convincing that I was fine, but the appointment moved along. I was out the door. I had (un)successfully deceived someone. I just didn't feel like getting into it.
I had to keep going. I have to keep going. Dude wants me to keep going. God will help me to keep going.
I'm starting to look at myself in the mirror and not be so scared by what I see. Glancing at my driver's license is still frightening, but I digress! I see myself changing and am slowly starting to keep the door ajar for the change to peek around the corner. I'm not ready to welcome it, but I'll look through the peep hole and think about letting it in. Really, I have no choice.
The one change I am willing to welcome is that my faith is being strengthened. When the unspeakable happens, when the world is turned upside down, when the man you loved and trusted more than anyone else is gone, you grasp at anything you can.
God, being who He is, has been here the whole time. He is the only constant. He is changing me, and as promised, the result will be a beautiful creation. One day, the sunken eyes, tear stained cheeks and agonizing expression will be gone. One day, I will be able to smile as brightly as Dude did without it feeling fake. One day, I will be able to experience the joy God has for me.
And, maybe one day, I will don a Halloween costume just for the fun of it, not just the candy. But, probably not, I am all about the sweets!
I haven't been into Halloween since I was no longer allowed to go trick-or-treating. I probably won't get back into it until I have kids of my own and can enjoy it with them. It's probably only the trick-or-treating that will lure me back in. We all know I have a sweet tooth the size of Texas!
The funny thing about grief, especially deep grief, is that it changes you. For many months after April 3rd, even now on bad days, I would walk around feeling like I was completely lost in my hometown. There were all these familiar faces and I had no idea who they were. Who I was. I would stare into the mirror and the reflection back would be someone with red, sunken eyes, tear stained cheeks, agony. Then I'd get dressed, put on a fake smile and move throughout the day. Who was this person? She looked vaguely familiar but not recognizable in this new reality.
"If you wake up in a different time, in a different place, could you wake up a different person?" - Chuck Palahniuk
Yes, when tragedy strikes you immediately change. You have no choice. You cannot stop it. I'm working through what all of this means. It's a lot of work. It's hard work. At times, I feel like I can't work through it because people have expectations of me. I should be happy. I should be positive. I should not cry and show my grief because it's been nearly 7 months and people might be tired of it. I get tired of it, but it is not going away quickly (the grief counselors say 14 months of really hard work, but there is a lifelong impact) and I have to keep working. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing a costume every single day.
A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor for the first time in a year. The nurse comes in and asks how I am. Then a few minutes later, she repeats the question. I answer, "I'm fine", but in my head, all I am thinking is "Why is she asking the same question so many times? Can she see I have changed? Can she see the hole in my heart?" I continued to smile and prayed she would ask a different question. She did. I survived. I was probably barely convincing that I was fine, but the appointment moved along. I was out the door. I had (un)successfully deceived someone. I just didn't feel like getting into it.
I had to keep going. I have to keep going. Dude wants me to keep going. God will help me to keep going.
I'm starting to look at myself in the mirror and not be so scared by what I see. Glancing at my driver's license is still frightening, but I digress! I see myself changing and am slowly starting to keep the door ajar for the change to peek around the corner. I'm not ready to welcome it, but I'll look through the peep hole and think about letting it in. Really, I have no choice.
The one change I am willing to welcome is that my faith is being strengthened. When the unspeakable happens, when the world is turned upside down, when the man you loved and trusted more than anyone else is gone, you grasp at anything you can.
God, being who He is, has been here the whole time. He is the only constant. He is changing me, and as promised, the result will be a beautiful creation. One day, the sunken eyes, tear stained cheeks and agonizing expression will be gone. One day, I will be able to smile as brightly as Dude did without it feeling fake. One day, I will be able to experience the joy God has for me.
And, maybe one day, I will don a Halloween costume just for the fun of it, not just the candy. But, probably not, I am all about the sweets!
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